Gesten und Erinnerungen (bound memories)
this time I got help. . thank you sooo much.
I'm a dreamer. I have always been one and I stayed one, even now. But when I sat on the beach with him, sand sticking to my damp clothes, reality hit me. I had just tried to kill myself. Without thinking, just because I felt like it. The fear and anger I was not able to feel at first washed my happiness away, leaving me feeling guilty and dumb. Why did I do something so stupid? My gaze was fixed on my hands, trembling as if they were ashamed to be a part of me. I clenched them, digging my fingernails into my palms. Normally, I hate pain and try my best to avoid it, but this time it felt good. Alive. If I hadn't made it, what would have become of me? Those hurting hands, my drenched body... floating somewhere, until maybe a couple of schoolgirls found what was left of me. Imagining their frightened screams was enough to make me pierce my hands even more. My thoughts were dark as hell, they made me want to throw up, Where was the beautiful feeling I had half a minute ago? Replaced by depressing questions.
Who would miss a rotten corpse? The answer to this one made me think about swimming. I watched Ienzo, staring at the sea, face covered in slowly fading sunlight. His eyes sparkled, as if he looked at a lover and not just a giant puddle of water. It was the same way he met my first gaze, the same warm expression in them. This small smile that made me miss him, even though he sat so close to me.
I felt too inferior for him to even notice I was there. 'Maybe I should leave...'
As I thought it, I mentally slapped myself. How dare I be emo, when the guy I loved had done his best to rescue me? Didn't that mean I was something to him? No matter how stupid I acted? He deserved my gratefulness for being alive, for being with him. He deserved to know much he meant to me. If I didn't say it now, maybe he'd leave me again, I thought to myself. It was then that I realized a stinging pain running up my arms.
Carefully, I relaxed my hands again, hissing lowly as the salty air made my wounds burn. I still, I wanted to talk to him so, I poked him. Yes, poked. My real plan had been to tap his shoulder lightly and ask him to tell me more about himself, but I didn't have enough control over my aching hand, not to mention how nervous I was, making my plan less romantic and loving as I originally hoped. Ienzo stopped gazing at the horizon and turned his attention towards me, rubbing his now hurting ribs. I grinned sheepishly. 'Nice of you to think of me, but I think you overdid it a little.'' He then
noticed my bloody palms and sighed: ''Can't you stand two minutes without hurting yourself?'' I jerked back. He shook his head, still watching me. ''Good thing I'm here to save you then.'' Ienzo reached out for my hand and stroked the back of it, calming and cooling. I did not pull back, he smiled and I decided the smile was worth the pain. After that, we started talking, my hand in his. My gestures became bigger with every breath I was not able to take, and everything I couldn't say. This caused his smile to brighten up. I noticed a spark in his eyes, similar to the one before but somehow
different; I couldn't put my finger on it. To my surprise, he didn't mind me being almost mute, making me love him even more. In fact, he said he liked me the way I was and for that, I was glad.
The day went by and we had to leave the beach. Oh, how I wanted to tell him that I was grateful for being saved and that he was the most wonderful man in the world. That and around a hundred things more. If I had words, they would have left me that very moment.
He seemed to know it, for he started to walk away without giving me a
chance to express my feelings. No, I had to tell him how I felt. Right now, no
matter how difficult it would be, I had to. Without thinking about it, I reached for his arm, stopping him from leaving me alone in the upcoming dark. Surprise ghosted over his face as he stood facing me.
We watched each other, waiting for someone to take the first step. The
moment I wanted to let him go and just run away and hide, he smiled at me,
shattering my fear. His hand moved and held mine again. I never wanted to
let go.
Some time later, he kissed me, making me believe I was finally at home in the world. This small move made me believe I had a heart, for the first time in my life. I thought he felt the same and that was beautiful but I was wrong. No matter how close we got in the following weeks, to me it vanished when he told me he wanted to leave. There was no doubt it was because of me and my childish self. Maybe he couldn't stand, seeing me suffer as my breathing became more difficult or maybe he just didn't want me. Not that way. But it was okay, as long as he was happy. I still was his, no matter where he would go and what he would learn.
Just one thing bothered me: Ienzo took a train to god knows where and I had
to stay back with my doubts and the fear he wouldn't come back. It tore me apart. After all, he left without as much as a wave the day before. I don't know if he was being honest when he said he would miss me. Of course he would think of me
now and then, but surely not as much as I would.
'I could write a song about you.' I thought. 'And then, one day I'll sing it for you.' That day the sea was stormy again, but I didn't have the slightest desire to swim, for he was not there to save me.