Erinnerungen an einen Unbekannten (make it go away)

Thanks for the reviews! They made work all night long.

It is a strange feeling when even time feels like nothing, like sleeping. And to me, life became a nightmare. I killed serveral people without even knowing them or having a reason to do so. Worlds sunk into the darkness, while I was watching. I wanted to hate myself for it, considering myself dirty and useless, but all I felt was... nothing.

Of course, there was pain, occasionally. It didn't matter, for it never lasted long enought to mean something to me and whoever hurt me died. A slow, sick death, not satisfying me. Not even revenge was sweet anymore.

Everytime, I was send out to a mission, I told my feet to run away. Told my physical heart to stop beating, so I could finally drop dead. And everytime the only answer I got was a faint aching in my chest and the sound of waves in my ears. Blue green masses of shining water, steady like a heartbeat. It almost felt... comfortable, but the moment I realized this, I knew that I didn't deserve such things a comfort.

The only way of getting rid of it was to kill, eliminating everything but the pain in my chest. The hurt I owed for being nothing, trapped between anger and fear. How I hated doing it.

After each of theses missions, Xemnas said I did a good job. When he was not around I asked myself if he would say the same thing to a postman or a carpet just because they improved his life with their existance. Not that there was anything to improve, though. At least, he was the Superior. He never went on dangerous missions, had the biggest room and when number seven joined our little 'family', he even had his very own guard/whore/dog.

I never really talked to Saìx, he was busy kissing Xemnas' ass and I searched the library for a medizine to cure this mysterious pain where my heart used to be. The whole situation didn't get better, when we gained a number eight. The fire. Ego as big as his hair and constantly talking to Xigbar and Xaldin. When they were together, it was like pieces of Dilan and Braig came back. They even laughed sometimes.

These days, I was lonely, spending all of my time reading and researching. Then, I had been in the Organization for about half a year, Xemnas told me I had to destroy a certain world. Darkness, heartless... blabla same as ever. Under Saix' deathglares, I bowed and left him and the superior alone. Said world contained a huge sea and some small islandes, nothing dangerous but strong hearts. Easy as pie.

I prepared to leave and hoped my chest would stop bothering me this time. Walking through the twilight of the portal, I begun calling nobodies and heartless, not wasting time. Back outside, I blinked. The beach I was standing on was.. covered with a thin blanket of snow. I could not trust my eyes and used my nose to reasure me. Salt and snow. And something I knew. My heart missed a beat.

Not far from me sat a small person, shilded from the cold through a warm jacket. I don't know how to describe it, but he smelled the same way my pain did. Sweet and beautiful enought to make me gag. Even watching him was difficult, like a pressure inside of me.

After some time, he turned away from the sea and wispered: ''Damn you Ienzo. Next winter. You said next bloody winter.'' tears covered his face as he spoke and my inexistant heart sunk even more. Then he noticed me. ''Oh. Sorry.'' his weak smile was like a explosion of pain behind my ribs. I felt my knees giving in, hitting the sand. His forced expression felt and he froze on the spot staring at me. ''You?''

Crimson pain took my sight away. Everything inside of me screamed: 'Make it stop!' but I couln't. I had not felt that alive and clear for a long time. This moment I realized two things: He knew me and he was the cause of my suffering. I called the darkness and ordered throught clenched teeth: ''Heartless.'' Whoever hurt me died.

Meanwhile, he was next to me, holding me close as if his life depended on it. ''It is you.'' our bodies shook, mine from pain, his from crying. ''Do you have the slightest idea, how I missed you?!'' I had no chance to answer, because he kissed me square on the lips, not bothering to let me take a breath. Obviously, he had no idea how much my body hurt, for he would not let go of me and I thought I would not either. I don't know where it came from, but I knew it felt right. Somehow it hurt more than everything else, but not in a bad way anymore. It gave me the only feeling I was capable of. I felt. Then it all went dark.

The next thing I know, was that his face turned pale and a glowing heart flew towards the sky. He died in my arms, and with him went my feelings. Shock slowed my movements and messed up my thoughts. I got to my feet and called a portal. The heartless were there so my job was done. And so was I. Maybe I didn't wanted to see his life vanish from his body. Or maybe, it was just too much for my inexistant heart to bear. In each case, I left the now doomed world, searching for a place to hide and think. My chest felt empty and my footsteps pierced the snow.

I felt like leaving home.