Meredith held Derek's hand as they walked towards the small building. He was nervous. She could tell he was nervous. She had never seen him like this. He wasn't talking. He always talked to her. No words were being formed. Nothing was passing his lips. His hand was tense as it held hers. She felt bad. Really bad. Maybe it was a bad idea. Maybe she shouldn't have pressured him. They took their seat in the lobby. Meredith looked around at the other people. She wondered if they felt how she and Derek did. She looked over at him. Derek looked straight forward.
"I'm sure it will be fine." Meredith said softly as she squeezed his hand.
He didn't acknowledge her comment. It made her feel even worse. She wasn't even able to comfort him. She heard them call his name. They made their way down the hallway, hand in hand. They both sat on the plush leather chairs in front of the large desk. She heard the woman mumble something about him being right in.
"Derek. It's no big deal." Meredith said as she looked at him. He looked over at her. His face showed how offended he was.
"No big deal? You do realize that in a few moments I may learn that I can't make a child with you." He said sadly as he ran his fingers through his hair. "Every time you took a test and it was negative, I felt it too. I felt guilty. It could be me, Mer. It could be me..."
Meredith didn't know what to say. He was right. It could be him. It was always in the back of her head that it could be him. If it was, then what? If her is sterile, they are done. There was definitely no fixing that. She heard the door open behind them. They both turned around to see the older grey haired man walk in. He introduced himself. The air in the room was thick. There was so much tension.
"So how are you, Dr. Shepherd?" Dr. Finch asked as he sat down in his chair. He looked happy, pleased almost. Meredith tried to read him. Maybe she could prepare herself. Then it would be better. Maybe not. It was inevitable.
"I think I will know after you tell me what that paper says." Derek said quickly with a fake smile.
"Oh yes." Dr. Finch said as he glanced at the sheet. "Um. Well-" He paused.
Derek and Meredith both gripped their seats. They were waiting for the news, either way it was bad. One of them was to blame.
"I have to be blunt here." He said as he looked up. "Dr. Shepherd, with your sperm count, I think you could impregnate a tree." He said with a chuckle. Derek looked at him wide-eyed.
"Seriously?" Derek asked. Dr. Finch nodded his head yes. There was a huge wave of relief that ran over him. It wasn't him. Nope not him. He was not to blame here. His joy quickly disappeared. There was only one other person in the room it could be. He looked over at her. This wasn't good.
Meredith couldn't believe it. It was her. All of this was on her. Her stupid empty uterus and retarded eggs. She felt like she was being eaten alive from the inside out. The emotional turmoil inside of her was immense. She felt sick. She felt like she was dying. How could this be? He could impregnate a tree? Ha ha, so funny... She was less fertile than a tree... She couldn't take it. But she wasn't going to cry.
She was lost in thought. She felt Derek touch her arm. Dr. Finch was standing up. Derek was standing up. And there she sat. She sat like she had a cinder block in her pants. She looked up and used all of the force she could muster. She quickly stood up. She followed Derek to the car. The moment they reached the parking lot, it all came up. She hurled in the bushes. She wiped her mouth and Derek wrapped his arm around her, leading her to the car. They rode in silence for a few minutes.
"I am less fertile that a tree..." She muttered. Derek looked over at her and his face dropped. He felt guilty. He had been feeling so sorry for himself. He hadn't thought about what good news for him, meant for her.
"Mer..." Derek said as he grabbed her hand.
"Derek. There is nothing you can say right now to make me feel better." She said honestly. It was how she felt. And she didn't want the comfort. "Just drive..." She said with a sigh. She looked out the window, letting a few silent tears run down.
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Meredith had dragged through her day. She had been dragging for the last few days. The Shepherd house was somber. She could barely function. Life was being more cruel to her than usual. Derek tried to make her feel better, but it was impossible. Nothing could soothe her at the moment. She was in that dark place. The place where tequila took over until there was more of it in her bloodstream than blood. That was all she wanted. She wanted to drink tequila until everything went black. Maybe when she woke up, life would be different. She quickly snapped back to reality when her phone rang.
"Hello?" She said as she sat on the bench outside the hospital. She had no idea how she had gotten there. Wandering aimlessly, no doubt. Swarms of people walked by as she sat, staring at the sidewalk.
"Dr. Shepherd?" The voice asked.
"This is." Meredith returned dryly into the phone. She didn't care who it was. She didn't care about anything.
"This is Betty from Dr. Karon's office. We got the results back fro you recent tests." Betty said quickly. She was in a hurry. She was busy. This was just another call to her.
"Oh." Was all Meredith could get out. Oh great. Just telling me what I already know. I'm dried up.
"Dr. Karon needs to speak with you immediately." Betty said with haste. She made it clear that this was urgent. She almost sounded worried. Why would she care? This had nothing to do with her.
"Um. Okay." Meredith said. "Should I be worried?" Meredith asked. She knew she couldn't answer. She knew it was confidential.
"You need to come in as soon as possible." Betty said. She has and opening at 10:30am." Meredith looked at her watch. That was in a half an hour. How the hell would she make it?
"Okay. I'll be there." Meredith said quickly.
She was in a panic. This was bad. She knew how this worked. If her results were negative, they would just be worried. This was bad. They would just set up and appointment, and then talk about it. Tell her that she was unable to bear children. They would explain the options. This was bad. They were urgent. They wouldn't insist that she come in right away, unless their was a problem. They wanted to speak to her immediately. Cancer. That was all that went through her head. My god, I have cancer.
Meredith talked to Dr. Bailey and she let her leave right away. Meredith didn't explain, but Miranda could see her distress. Meredith didn't even change. He mind wasn't there. She wasn't even sure how she drove to her car. Cancer. She was sure. This was the end. She was dying. She wouldn't see Anna go to prom. Or graduate. Cancer. She was going to be dead soon. She quickly drove to the office. It was far. This was a good thing. She wouldn't have to sit a stew in the office. And yet she was stewing, in her car, as she drove. Her heart sank as she thought about leaving Derek alone. Because she was going to die. She was sure of it.
Meredith walked into the office like a zombie. Anything could be happening around her. Anything. Her mind wasn't there. She heard voices. She was able to listen. To follow their directions. But she was on autopilot. She followed the nurse to an office. There were baby pictures all over the wall. Successful cases, no doubt. But that wasn't even on her mind. It didn't matter, she wouldn't be around. She came back to reality as Dr. Karon sat in front of her.
"How are you today, Meredith?" She asked nicely. Meredith was about to be sick.
"Um. Worried..." She said quickly. "Okay, I am scared to death." She admitted as she shook in her seat. She was literally quivering. All she wanted right now was Derek.
"I assure you there is nothing to worry about." Dr. Karon said with a smile. Meredith studied her perfect teeth. Her perfect hair. There was no question everything was perfect in her world. Unlike her own, which was a mess.
"I'm not dying?" Meredith said as she let out all of the breath she had been holding.
"Heavens no!" Dr. Karon said with a chuckle. Meredith sighed. She wasn't dying.
"Oh thank god." Meredith said happily. She felt like a complete and utter fool.
"But we do have a problem." She said with a serious face. That was all it took. The knot that was releasing, back to tightening. Okay, I'm not dying. But I'm sterile. Yep, this is a damn cruel world.
"Okay." Meredith said as the tears began to form.
"We got the results from the tests. We ran a simple blood test, along with several others. I have to say, you are definitely going to have trouble getting pregnant." Dr. Karon said. Meredith wanted to attack her. Just like that. Oh, you're definitely going to have a problem. Like it was no big deal.
"Um, okay. Why, I guess?" Meredith asked. What else was there to say?
"Because, Meredith. You are already pregnant!" Dr. Karon said with a huge smile on her face. Meredith stopped breathing. Did she just say that? All her hopes, all their worrying were now going to be long gone.
"What?" Meredith asked in shock. "I could swear you just said I was pregnant." Meredith told her as she looked into her dark brown eyes.
"I did. And you are!" The doctor replied.
"I can't be. I mean- I took a test. I took a pregnancy test. It was negative. I can't be pregnant because it was negative. And I don't feel pregnant." Meredith rambled quickly.
"I assure you, you are indeed pregnant." Dr. Karon confirmed as she looked back down at papers in front of her. "So, I guess you won't need me."
"No. I guess not..." Meredith said as she sat there and stared in space. She was pregnant. She couldn't believe it. All this time, and she didn't even know.
"Would you like be to refer you to an obstetrician?" Dr. Karon asked.
"Um...Well I guess I will go to Addison..." Meredith muttered. She couldn't get over it.
"Oh. Dr. Montgomery? I didn't realize she was taking patients. I thought she just took "problem" cases." Dr. Karon said with surprise.
"She's a good friend." Meredith said softly.
"Oh. Well she is the best... I have to say, I am truly happy that you didn't need our services." Dr. Karon said as she stood up from behind her desk and put out her hand. Meredith shook it.
"Thank you. Thank you so much." Meredith said as she stood. She looked around the office. All the baby pictures, they didn't break her heart anymore. She was going to have her own.
She walked out of the office and straight to her car. It was unbelievable. It was everything that they had been hoping for. This was what they wanted, but she was numb. Completely numb. She sat there in her car and stared. They had been fighting so long, and now that the battle was over, she didn't know what to do. She leaned back and placed her hand on her stomach.
"Hello, baby." She said as she rubbed her abdomen. "I'm sorry mommy didn't know you were here..." She whispered as she closed her eyes.
She had no idea how she was going to tell Derek. He would be elated, she knew that. But she didn't want to just spit it out. She wanted it to be special. She wanted him to remember this forever. Not that he wouldn't. They have conceived their first child, and that was a miracle on it's own.
Before she knew it, she was back in the hospital parking lot. Back to reality. She felt different as she walked into the front doors. She had a secret inside of her. The ride in the elevator was quiet. It was empty. Thank god. The secret she was holding was a big one. A life changing one. Meredith looked down the hallway to see Dr. Bailey standing there. She walked up with a smile on her face.
"Why are you so happy?" Bailey spat as Meredith walked up.
"No reason." Meredith answered, the cheesy grin covering her whole face.
"Well, you look like a damn fool." Miranda said as she shook her head.
"What do you need me to do?" Meredith asked. She wanted to jump and run and skip. Anything to get rid of the energy that was building up inside of her.
"Why don't you go watch Shepherd's surgery in the gallery? It was yours, but you left. Nothing else is going on for the moment. If I need you, I'll page." Miranda said nicely. Meredith was surprised, she wasn't nice. Usually she would shove her off on charts or rectal examines. Something. Anything. But not today...and she didn't care. She was too happy to care.
"Okay." Meredith said as she turned around and quickly made her way to the gallery.
The gallery was packed. She took a seat in the back, out of view. She watched the monitor in the corner of the room. Derek's movement's were meticulous, as always. That was Derek. Things had to be just so. She sat there thinking about all the ways she could tell him. She was deep in thought as the room started to clear. She looked down at the OR. Derek was closing the patient up. She walked up to the glass and looked down. He looked up and she caught his eye. She mouthed "I love you." And a smile grew on his face.
The surgery went well. Derek had requested Meredith. He was shocked when Dr. Bailey told him that she had left. She never left. And she certainly didn't leave without letting him know. There had been no messages on his phone. A small part of him was worried. Throughout the whole surgery, he thought about her. As it finished, he was secretly grateful that it was. He needed to find out what was going on. As he started to close up, he glanced at the gallery. It was empty, all except for one person. He looked up and their eyes locked. She looked different. Over the last few days she had been depressed. She had looked like the life had been literally sucked out of her. Not today. Today she looked happy. He watched her mouth "I love you." Something was definitely different.
She couldn't take it. The joy she was feeling wanted out. It wanted out of her now. She wanted to share it with him. She wanted him to know that after trying so hard. After so much heartache. They had finally created a life, and she was holding it inside of her. This child was everything she had ever wanted. This child was a piece of someone she loved more than life itself. She watched him cock his head at her. She couldn't take it. It didn't matter how he found out. He just needed to know. "You're going to be a dad." She mouthed. He looked at her with a puzzled look. "What?" He mouthed back. "I'm pregnant." She mouthed with a smile. He wasn't getting it. He was getting frustrated, so was she. Finally, she pointed at them both, she moved her hand over her abdomen, motioning an exaggerated baby bump.
Derek looked up at the gallery. He had no idea what she was saying. But he could tell by the look on her face that it was important, and she was happy. Then he saw it. She pointed at herself and him. She ran her hand over her belly. He knew what that meant. His heart stopped. He had been stitching. Now his tools laid there. He had dropped his tools. He had never dropped his tools. She was pregnant. They were going to be parents again. He was going to be a dad.
"Can you close?" He asked as he started to walk away. Everyone looked at him like he was crazy. He was working, and then he wasn't.
"Uh...okay." The scrub nurse said with confusion.
He was going to be a dad. A father. He already was. Anna was wonderful. But this baby. They wanted it so bad. He ripped his surgical garb off as quickly as he could. His arms were scrubbed until the skin was off. He went to open the door, and it opened. They looked at each other. She collapsed into his arms.
"I'm going to be a father?" He asked as she pulled her close.
"You, Derek Shepherd, are going to be a father." She told him as she looked up. She could see the tears rimming his eyes.
"How?" He asked in shock as he looked at her.
"When a man and woman-" She started with a laugh.
"Not how. How?" He asked as he looked at her face. How had he not seen it? She was glowing.
"I don't know. I don't care. Derek- It's- It's amazing. A piece of you and I is in here right now." She said as she rubbed her stomach. "I can't even believe how it feels. We're going to be parents again. We are going to have a child with your eyes. There is a piece of you inside of me. I just--- God, I love you." She said as she looked into his eyes. He pulled her in for a soft kiss.
"The test--" He said quickly with a confused face.
"It was wrong, I guess. I don't know. I just know that I am." She said with a stupid giggle. She felt stupid. Stupidly happy. Giddy. Completely foolish. Derek got down on his knees and pulled up her scrub shirt. She looked down with tears in her eyes. She saw tears in his.
"Hello, baby. It's your daddy. You have made mommy and I so happy. We can't wait to see you. We already love you so much." He said as he kissed her stomach. "Wow." Derek muttered in shock.
"Yeah." Meredith said as she looked down at him. "We're having a baby."
I've been busy...sorry this wasn't up yesterday!