Meredith looked back. Derek wasn't behind her. She wasn't really wanting to deal with it at the moment. She figured he was just going to sulk and go back to the hospital. She realized that he did show up. He did try. But she was still upset. Still irritated. She was beginning to feel like she couldn't count on him, and it was the worst feeling in the world.
It was late and she quickly got Anna to bed. She was more than willing, as she was exhausted from their busy day. Meredith kept listening for a sign of Derek. There was none. That seemed to make her even angrier. Now he wasn't going to show up? He couldn't win either way, and she could admit that. She was out to get him. The minute Anna laid down in her bed, she was out.
Meredith slipped into her own room and changed into a tank top and shorts. She washed her face and brushed her teeth like she always did. She began to walk out of her empty bathroom into her empty bedroom. She looked up to see him standing in the doorway. He was leaning up against the door frame with a regretful look on his face. Their eyes met and neither moved.
She wanted to cry. Just looking at him, she felt the need to bawl. She knew that things weren't going this way because he wanted them to. She could see the sadness in his eyes. She knew how the hospital worked. They owned you.
How can I tell you that I love you, I love you
But I can't think of right words to say
I long to tell you that I'm always thinking of you
I'm always thinking of you, but my words
Just blow away, just blow away
There she stood. She froze like a deer in the headlights. She was glowing. She looked radiant. Her small baby bump was peeking out of her tight tank top. His children were in there. His babies. And he wasn't even around for it. I scared him. If he couldn't be around now, how would it change? But he was working on that, and it had to work out.
It always ends up to one thing, honey
And I can't think of right words to say
Wherever I am girl, I'm always walking with you
I'm always walking with you, but I look and you're not there
Meredith crossed the room in several large strides. She couldn't stay away. She couldn't stay mad at him. All she wanted was him. A small smile crept onto his face as she crashed into him, her head laying against his chest. She felt his fingers run through her hair. His lips pressed against his head. She wrapped her arms around him softly and clung for her life.
"Meredith..." He started.
"No." She said as she pulled him tighter. "Just be quiet. Let me enjoy this..." She said as she laid against him. These moments were what she lived for. When he was actually and she could touch him.
Whoever I'm with, I'm always, always talking to you
I'm always talking to you,
and I'm sad that you can't hear, sad that you can't hear
It always ends up to one thing, honey,
When I look and you're not there
She could hear his heart beat. Before, she would have sworn their hearts beat as one. But now it didn't feel that way, the small amount of time was taking it's toll. Finally she pulled away and walked to her side of the bed. She pulled the blankets back and threw the extra pillows onto the chair. She slowly laid down on the bed and closed her eyes. After a few minutes, she felt his body lie down next to his.
"Meredith, I'm sorry." He said softly as he spooned up against her. "I'm sorry." He reiterated.
I need to know you, need to feel my arms around you
Feel my arms around you, like a sea around a shore
And - each night and day I pray, in hope
That I might find you, in hope that I might
Find you, because heart's can do no more
"I can't do this. I can't function this way. And I don't want to. I love you, I do. That's what makes it so hard. I have had you to lean on and shelter me for so long. I needed you. And the last two weeks, you haven't been around. I'm trying to stand on my own. Not because I want to, because I have to." Meredith said softly as she curled up tighter.
"I know. And I want to be around. I want to be here with you and Anna. And the babies." He explained as he held her a little tighter. His hand rested on her bump.
"I know you do, Derek. But it's not enough. You promised you would be here for me. And actions speak louder than words." Meredith said as she turned around and looked into his eyes.
It always ends up to one thing honey,
Still I kneel upon the floor
How can I tell you that I love you, I love you
But I can't think of right words to say
"Mer--" He said as his eyes began to burn. The tears were threatening to come out. Her words were true. He couldn't deny that. And it hurt like dagger to the heart.
"I had to tell my mother that I was pregnant tonight. When I needed you, you weren't there. You said you would be here. I'm scared, Derek. I am going to have babies. Two babies. And I can't do it on my own. And I am so scared that you won't be here." She said frankly. There were no tears. She felt strongly. It had been something that had been threatening for the last two weeks.
"You don't trust me?" He asked with hurt.
"I do trust you. I trust you more than anyone. You love your job, and I don't want you to quit. You can't help that your job does this to you. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. It doesn't mean that I don't cry myself to sleep when your side of the bed it empty, once again. It doesn't mean that I'm not sad when I play with Anna, by myself everyday. The lonely dinners, burned breakfast. It doesn't mean that I don't feel like I've been stabbed by a knife when our daughter calls you a jerk. Glances in the hallway at work aren't enough. I know you're busy. But I miss you, your family misses you. And I don't know what to do. I can't do it alone." She said as she looked straight into his eyes. That's when she saw the tears start to fall.
I long to tell you that I'm always thinking of you
I'm always thinking of you...
It always ends up to one thing honey
And I can't think of right words to say
"Meredith, something has to change. It will change. I miss you. I miss you so much. And I love you. I can't even put it into words. I love you so much it causes me pain. I want to be here. I want to be with you." He said sadly.
"And I want you to..." She replied as she pulled him close. She could feel his tears on her skin, and it hurt.
"What do you mean, Anna called me a jerk?" He finally said with a hurt tone.
"Apparently you are on her shit-list." Meredith said with a chuckle. "Don't worry, I got after her." Meredith looked at Derek's face. He was obviously upset. She had never planned on telling him, it just slipped out. And now she wished it hadn't.
"She called me a jerk..." Derek muttered. That hurt. His daughter thinking he was a jerk. That one really stung.
Meredith woke up during the night. She had to make sure he was still there. He never took his arms off of her. She was sure he had to have gotten uncomfortable, but he never moved, and she had never felt so good. She needed him. She needed to feel his embrace. She needed to know he was there for her no matter what. She opened her green eyes to meet his blue. His lips formed a faint smile.
"Hey." She said softly.
"Hey." He returned as he continued to look at her.
"What are you doing?" She muttered sleepily.
"Watching you." He returned softly. He hadn't seen her sleep in far to long.
"You should sleep. You need to sleep." She told him.
"I'd rather watch you sleep." He said frankly.
"Well, I am going to sleep because I have pre-rounds." She said groggily as she closed her eyes. She slowly rolled over onto her side and he spooned up against her. She felt his hand rest on her abdomen, and a smile formed on her face. He had his own smile plastered on his own face.
-------------
Meredith moaned when she heard her alarm go off. Her hand reached over and pounded it heavily. She wanted to lay there with Derek all day. She needed to take advantage of every available second with him. She slowly rolled away from his grasp, she knew she had to get moving whether she wanted to or not.
Meredith quickly got dressed. She had to wear something somewhat concealing. She was hoping that they would be able to tell their friends soon. She wanted to do it with him, not alone. Not alone, like she did the night before with her mother. She glanced over at him in the bed. He was now sprawled out and sleeping soundly. She smiled at him and headed downstairs.
Meredith opened the refrigerator, and grabbed the orange juice. No coffee. She craved coffee. She needed coffee, but apparently the twins didn't. She looked through the cupboards. Nothing sounded good. It wasn't morning sickness. She had been fortunate enough to lose that fairly early on. She just had absolutely no appetite. She finally settled on a piece of toast. Not ideal, by any means. In fact, she knew Derek would jump down her throat. She was supposed to have a balanced meal full of protein. She told herself she would eat a good lunch.
She was getting ready to carry her plate to the table when she heard buzzing. She glanced over to see Derek's cellphone jumping around on the countertop. She sat her plate down and grabbed the phone. She didn't see his pager, and figured she should check it in case it was an emergency. She flipped the phone open to see he had a voicemail. She couldn't check it, but she could see what the number was. She pushed the button and was shocked. Frannie. Who the hell was Frannie? She snapped the phone shut and tossed it on the counter. She couldn't eat. She had definitely lost her appetite.
She always told herself she wouldn't be one of them. Those being the wives that freak out for no good reason. She trusted him. She really trusted him. He would never cheat on her, and she knew that. But that didn't make her feel much better. She quickly tossed her toast in the trash can. She looked over at his date book. She knew it was wrong, but she needed to see it. She needed to reassure herself. Besides, it's not like it was his journal. Plus she really should make sure he doesn't have surgery scheduled this morning. She flipped it open. She smiled when she saw a perfectly planned out schedule. She started to shut it, but a piece of paper was in the way of the zipper. She quickly flipped it back open and grabbed the pink piece of paper.
Derek-
Looking forward to lunch.
I'll be at "our" spot.
-Franceasca.
There was a small heart by her name. It was gag-able. Meredith quickly shoved the paper back into the planner. She hastily zipped it up and made her way to the bathroom. She was sick.
What is this? It can't be what it seems. Derek is not a cheater. He loves me. He is not a cheater. But then again he promised he would be there for me. And he hasn't been around. It's obvious where he's been. No, he's not like that. You're just hormonal...
She retched. She felt like her insides were turning out. She couldn't believe this was happening. She was going crazy. She had to quit this. She just needed to ask him. That's what she would do. She would just ask. She glanced down at her watch. She had to get to work. She rinsed her mouth and made her way to the garage. She was going to talk to him. Not now. She didn't want to wake him up for this. She didn't want to make a mountain out of a molehill. Although she was sure that molehill had just knocked her on her ass.
Meredith drove slowly. She didn't know she drove slowly. Because she was separate from time at the moment. She was suspended in air. She wasn't there. Cars honked and zoomed around her. She never heard them. All she heard was her own crazy thoughts battling. He's a cheater. No he's not. He's a cheater. No he's not. He had been off, there was no question about that. And that's what worried her.
She was in a cloud during rounds. She had gotten in on an amazing cardio surgery. A cardio surgery that she wasn't there for. Not mentally at least. If Cristina knew that she wasn't even enjoying the surgery, she would most likely get her ass kicked. But she wasn't. There was no enjoyment. She had looked on the board. Derek wasn't scheduled. He wasn't there. He's probably on a lunch date with his Italian whore. The Italian whore who had five foot long legs, perky breasts, and a perfect face. She most likely great hair, too. Great hair to match his. She couldn't stop thinking, and it was tearing her up.
---------------
Meredith plopped down in a chair at the lunch table. Her feet and back hurt her. She hadn't seen him all day. And that promise she made to eat a healthy lunch...out the window. She couldn't eat. She knew it would fly back out faster than she could make it to the bathroom. So there she sat, in an incredibly sour mood. All of the interns looked at her, not daring to speak. They took turns making faces, each daring the other to start a conversation. Finally Cristina spoke up.
"So what the hell is your problem?" Cristina snapped loudly. Meredith gave her the look of death.
"Whoa, the Mrs. is pisses." Alex said. They all gave him what-a-stupid-thing-to-say looks. He shrugged.
"Seriously, Mer what is wrong. You look like you have a stick up your ass." Izzie said quickly. George shot her an oh-no-you-didn't look.
"Maybe because I do. At least I freaking feel like I do. My feet hurt. My back hurts, my stomach hurts. And you dumb-asses are riding me. So why don't you just shut your damn mouths!" She yelled. They were all taken aback. She quickly started crying hysterically.
"Oh my god, Mer! Are you okay? I'm sorry!" Izzie said quickly.
"I think it's obvious she's not okay, Barbie!" Cristina spat as she looked at Meredith.
"No, she's freaking nuts." Alex said, making Meredith cry harder.
"Mer, are you okay?" George asked as he walked over to her. She looked at him sadly. His heart melted. He quickly pulled her close. His eyes got wide as he felt the bump. He knew. And everyone else would soon enough. Why not just say it?
"I'm just pregnant and hormonal." She wailed. He held her closer. Everyone looked at her in shock.
"That explains a lot." Cristina muttered.
"Oh my god! Congratulations!" Izzie shouted as she jumped up and hugged her. She sat there, with her friends holding her for awhile.
"I'm okay." She finally said with a sigh as she sat back. "I'm okay."
"So how far along are you?" Izzie asked with a stupid giggle.
"Twelve weeks." Meredith said with a faint smile. Derek was still dancing in her head, and not the way she wanted him to. Generally he danced naked. Today he danced naked with his Italian mistress. She shuddered at the thought.
"Wow. Why didn't you tell us?" George asked.
"I was waiting for Derek." She said quickly. "But he has been so busy."
"Do you know what you're having?" Izzie asked.
"Well, no. Twins. But we don't know the sexes, Derek's been too busy." She explained.
"Wow. Two!" Izzie said happily.
"I am not touching those things." Cristina muttered. Meredith ignored her comment. She halfheartedly listened to them talk about the babies. She would mutter an answer every now and then. But something else was in her head. Finally she asked.
"Hey guys. If you found a note in your husband's planner and it talked about having lunch, and was signed with a heart, what does that mean?" Meredith asked quickly.
"Uh, that he's cheating." Cristina said matter-of-factly. She rolled her eyes.
"But it was obvious. I mean it wasn't really hidden. Totally accessible." Meredith said quickly. "And a missed call, but her number was in the phone. That's too obvious, right. I mean, he would try to hide it, right?" Meredith asked nervously.
"It's not Derek, is it?" Izzie asked with a worried tone.
"Of course not. No. It's-- Um-- You remember Megan, my friend..." She said. "Well, she called me. She thinks Jake is cheating." A total lie. And hopefully they wouldn't see through it.
"Oh.. Well...no. I think if he were cheating, he would try to hide it. And he wouldn't have her number in his phone." Izzie explained.
"She's right. A man would get all nervous and sneaky." Cristina told her.
"No he wouldn't." Alex said with a laugh.
"What?" Meredith asked quickly. Her head whipped around. She had a faint look of shock on her face.
"Not a smart one. A smooth cheater, he wouldn't hide it. Especially if he's cocky and arrogant. See, this is why men are smarter than women. We would make it obvious. You guys are sitting here debating. And that is why it would work. Usually the truth is right there..." Alex said confidently.
"What do you think George?" Izzie asked.
"I think Alex is right." George reluctantly agreed.
"Oh...I guess I'll have to tell her." Meredith muttered. They all realized they had to go. So did Meredith, but she couldn't. She was frozen. George paused.
"You should talk to him." He whispered. The others had walked away.
"What?" Meredith said in confusion.
"You should talk to him. Derek isn't a cheater." He said as he walked away. Meredith sat there. She wished she could just turn into a puddle of goo. Because that was how she felt. After a while she mustered up the strength to move her body. She was shocked to see Derek sitting at a table with Chief Webber. She quickly walked over.
"WhoisFranceasca?" She said in a lump. It was inaudible. No one could make out what she said, no matter how hard they tried. It sounded like some foreign mess.
"What?" Derek said in shock. Chief Webber had his own confused look on his face.
"Franceasca?" Meredith asked loudly. "Who the hell is she?"
"I have no idea what you're talking about." He said with a strange look on his face. At that moment, Meredith's pager went off. It was 911. She dropped her head and ran off. Her happiness was running through her fingers like sand.
Oh no! Maybe...just maybe Derek has an excuse. I guess we'll have to see.