A/N: This was a fun scene to transcribe. But it was also really long, which is a common theme in King Lear: some scenes are a paragraph or three, others last pages and pages…
Act I. Scene iv.
Under cover of night, Kamek returned to Koopa Castle. He had spent the week since the division of the kingdom traveling across the countryside, spreading a rumour that he had travelled abroad to the Waffle Kingdom. The land was so far removed from Bowser's domain that Kamek was sure no one would bother checking to see if the story was false. He also visited his house in the Beanbean Kingdom, where he altered his appearance so that he could return to Bowser's side. He knew Bowser needed him; he had been like a father to the king all his life, and Kamek wasn't about to turn his back on his old master when he needed him most.
Kamek magically grew his naturally purple hair long again, like when he was a young Magikoopa. He ditched his wizard's cap and let his hair tumble every which way. He replaced his blue robes with tattered black ones, and replaced his glasses with a pair of pink-rimmed monstrosities. He had considered merely dressing himself like an average Magikoopa and altering his voice, but he didn't want to blend in – he wanted to stand out so that he could get close to Bowser. The old king loved rock and roll, and to finish his look, Kamek bought himself a bright blue electric/magic guitar. After flying in through a window, he hurried down to the Entrance Hallway, where he sat on the throne and started picking at the guitar as he waited for Bowser to return.
He did not have to wait long, as the doors soon opened and Bowser came stomping in. "Man am I hungry! Someone go tell the chefs to being me some food! Now!" All of Bowser's company scattered – whether to follow out his orders or simply to escape before he demanded anything more, Kamek couldn't tell. Only King Boo, Petey Piranha and Morton Jr. remained with the king as he approached the throne and caught sight of Kamek. "Who are you? And what are you doing in my throne? Get off!"
"Who am I? I am but a humble musician. What am I doing on your throne? I'm here to ROCK!!!" With that, Kamek leapt to his feet and started hammering on his guitar. Bowser's eyes bugged out of his head as the music was magically amplified by the instrument and filled the Throne Room. Kamek always knew his rebellious teenage years would come in handy some day, but he never imagined it would be because he'd have to put on a one-Koopa rock concert for his increasingly senile king.
"That was AWESOME!" cheered Bowser once Kamek had stopped. "Man, you rock!"
"That I do, your highness," bowed Kamek.
"Bwa ha ha! I like this guy!" said Bowser, beaming at King Boo, Petey and Morton. He looked back at Kamek. "You're in!"
Kamek feigned confusion. "In?"
"In my ranks – my castle! Welcome aboard, dude! Bwa ha ha!" Bowser walked up the steps and sat in his throne, grinning at Kamek. His stomach then rumbled, and his face fell. "Where the Underwhere is dinner?"
"Want me to check?" offered Petey, who was also anxious to get his meal.
"Yeah, and get Kammy while you're at it," said Bowser, waving at Petey to get a move on. At that moment, Toadsworth appeared, having been drawn from the other side of the castle by Kamek's ruckus.
"What's all the commotion, then?" he said, flustered.
"This guy was playing me some music," said Bowser, nodding at Kamek. "Where's Larry? I need to speak to him about some of the laws he's revoked. He's being too lenient, I say, and- HEY! What are you waling away for!? I'm talking to you!" But Toadsworth paid the angry Koopa no mind and tottered out of the room without another word. "Boo! Get him back here!"
"It's King Boo," corrected the specter as he lazily floated towards the doorway.
"I'll call you by whatever name I please," sneered Bowser. He turned to Kamek. "I'm surrounded by idiots."
"Indeed," nodded Kamek.
"They're not usually this bad, though." Commented Morton. "I mean, they've been a bit lackadaisical this week – ever since the great divide, as it were. The Baroque Divide! Ha ha! Not that this has anything to do with the Renaissance and its literature; it'll certainly be an important event in our history, but it has nothing to do with human history. Except their both 'divide's, though you could say that about geography too. That would have even less in common with-"
"Where's Kammy?" interrupted Bowser, who hadn't been paying any attention to his son's ramblings. "And why hasn't dinner been brought yet?"
King Boo suddenly materialized out of thin air next to Morton. "He says Larry's busy."
"Huh?"
King Boo rolled his eyes at Bowser. "Toadsworth says Larry's too busy to talk."
"What the Hell?" said Bowser incredulously.
"Are your underlings usually so impudent?" drawled Kamek.
"No," snorted Bowser.
"Well, they're being quite impudent today, King Dad," grinned Morton. "They're not treating you like a king at all, that's for sure. It's like what I was saying before – before you interrupted, er, not that there's anything wrong with that: oh no, if anyone can interrupt me, it's the King. I'm not gonna be belligerent and say 'be quiet and listen', though I guess I don't really tell anyone to be quiet and listen. I often get the feeling that I should, though, since no one ever-"
"Where's Kammy?" said Bowser, looking to King Boo and thoroughly ignoring Morton's musings.
"How should I know?" said the ghost, rolling his eyes again.
Bowser growled. "Just go and get Larry – now!"
With a final roll of his eyes, King Boo vanished.
"And you," growled Bowser, pointing a clawed finger at Morton. "Make yourself useful and find Kammy."
"Okay. I think she's in the Observatory, or maybe her spell room, or maybe the library. Though she could be in the lav-"
"Why don't you try searching those places instead of talking about them?" sighed Bowser.
"Okay," chirped Morton, starting off towards the door (which King Boo had magicked open, and which the lazy guards hadn't bothered closing), talking as he went. "But I think it makes sense to do some pre-meditation. It's a big castle and if I don't already have an idea of where to look I could be at it for hours and hours and hours and hours…" Bowser sighed in relief as Morton's voice faded away down the hall. But his peace was short lived, as Toadsworth soon reappeared.
"You!" growled Bowser. "Who do you think you are? Walking out on me when I was talking to you. Who do you think I am?"
"My masters' father," responded Toadsworth, tottering across the hallway. Kamek narrowed his eyes; the old Toad was obviously just passing through on his way to the kitchens, as they were the only things located on the other side of the hall. Kamek hated him; Toads were long-lived, but Toadsworth had surely run his course, and yet here he was, as spry as he was twenty years ago. Kamek didn't see the justice in an old fool like him living it up in his sunset years, while a king as great and powerful as Bowser was rapidly declining in mental health at a mere eighty years of age. Dragon-Koopas were supposed to live well into their hundreds; Kamek suspected it was all his years of battling Mario catching up to him, though the bloody Star Spirits could easily be partitioning Bowser's years off to Toadsworth…
"'You masters' father'? I'm the freaking KING, buddy! What part of that don't you understand!?" bellowed Bowser.
Toadsworth looked like he was going to ignore the outburst, so Kamek dashed down the steps and blocked his path, a scowl upon his face. "You better learn some respect, old man." Kamek was as old as Toadsworth and Bowser combined, and the irony of his insult was not lost on him. He was actually nearing the end of his life, but like Toads and most Dragon-Koopas, Magikoopas aged gracefully, especially with the advent of Youth Potions. Kamek had downed a whole bottle before returning, for his rebellious, young rockstar disguise probably wouldn't go over well if he still had liver-spotted scales, gnarled hands and a bad back.
Toadsworth was taken aback by Kamek's display. "And you better mind you elders, my boy!"
Again with the irony, Kamek smirked. "Only if you mind your manners."
"You're the one cutting me off!"
"You're the one ignoring the King's questions."
"Oh ho! 'Questions' you say? More like accusations!"
"If the shoe fits."
"I say, I don't need to listen to this nonsense!"
"Where do you think you're going?" growled Bowser, who had made his way over the squabbling pair and gripped Toadsworth's mushroom cap as he made to step around Kamek and continue on his way.
"I SAY! Let me go!" Toadsworth then smacked Bowser's hand with his staff.
"Ow! Why you little!" Bowser belched a fireball at Toadsworth. It wasn't very large, though, and Toadsworth managed to jump out of the way. To make up for it, Kamek stuck out his foot and tripped the old Toad.
"Nice!" whooped Bowser as Toadsworth landed on the carpet with a thud. "Let's get him!"
"By my grandfather's margarine! I say! I say! Get away! Oh, ho! Help! Ho!" Toadsworth scrambled to his feet and ran out of the room as Kamek and Bowser cackled triumphantly.
"Man, you're the best! Here's your first payment as my loyal servant! Get yourself something nice," as Bowser flipped Kamek a gold coin, Kammy entered the hallway behind them. Even from behind, she recognized Kamek, and her eyes went wide behind her glasses.
She shuffled forward and held out her hat to Kamek. "One coin? Your Stinginess, please, it's no wonder your servants are rebelling! Here, take my hat, fellow – I wouldn't want another prospective servant scared away by the King's frugality and it's worth a few coins at the market, at least."
"Idiot Kammy. This guy doesn't want your lame hat: he's too cool. Check out his guitar!" Bowser was too busy making fun of Kammy to notice the cheeky grin Kamek flashed Kammy, and he was too busy admitting the instrument to notice the old witch's disapproving frown. Kammy was never one for taking risks.
"Yes, well. You need all the help you can get now, Your Solitaryness, seeing as you've parceled off all your influence to the Koopalings. I can count the number of guards in this castle who still answer to you directly (and not by way of Roy and Larry). And by 'way of', I mean, they answer to them, and not you at all, Your Redundantness. And don't get me started on Peach-"
"Yeah, yeah, and don't get me started on you, Haggy. I haven't eaten dinner yet so I'm not my usual, forgiving self at the moment, and you're starting to get on my nerves-"
"I'm just filling this guy in on what's up, Your Deludedness. If you get mad at me for speaking the truth, what's next? Will you thank your enemies for lying?"
"No, I'll get madder at them," grinned Bowser.
"Fair enough, Your Rightness."
"That's more like it," said Bowser smugly.
Kammy looked at Kamek's guitar, and a thought occurred to her. She needed a way to distract Bowser from the discontent brewing in the castle; trouble was coming, and the more time Bowser had to brood on his empty stomach and his lukewarm reception, the messier it would be. "Hey, would you like to hear a little poem I just read in the library."
"So you were in the library – Morton was right after all." Evidently. Bowser had not totally ignored his son's speeches. "Is he the one who sent you? Where's he at?"
"He's looking something up, Your Paternalness," said Kammy. "I believe it's about human literature, or something to do with canyons… Anyway, so would you like to hear the speech? He can play along on his guitar to make it more interesting for you, since I know poetry's not your thing-"
"What are you talking about, I love haikus!" said Bowser.
"This isn't a haiku."
"Oh," the king sounded a little disappointed. "Bah, whatever. I've got nothing else to do." He settled himself into his throne and waited as Kammy muttered to Kamek about what sort of tune he should play. She desperately wanted to find out why he had returned and chew him out for not talking to her about it first, but she knew it would be too risky with Bowser right there.
"Mark it, nuncle!" she said, sweeping her hands out to indicate the start of the performance. As she spoke, Kamek noodled on the guitar, and the music didn't fit with the words at all.
"Have more than thou showest,
Speak less than thou knowest,
Lend less than thou owest,
Ride more than thou goest,
Learn more than thou trowest,
Set less then thou throwest;
Leave thy drink and thy whore,
And keep in-a-door,
And thou shalt have more
Than two tens to a score."
"You're so uncool, Kammy, you make the cool guy's music un-epic," snorted Bowser.
"It's Shakespeareguy – a classic!" protested Kammy.
"A classic bore," chucked Bowser. "You're such a fool!"
"This from the Koopa who just gave away the kingdoms he spent his entire life trying to conquer!"
"Hey! It wasn't my entire life!" huffed Bowser. "I conquered them over a decade ago!"
"Your hard-earned victory thrown away after a measly ten years," sighed Kammy.
"And before that," continued Bowser, choosing to ignore Kammy's last comment, "I didn't even really care about Sarasaland – it was more like a… a bonus! Two countries for the price of one! Bwa ha ha!"
"And now no countries for the price of nothing."
"Nothing comes of nothing," said Bowser automatically.
"So you agree with me," said Kammy with a smirk.
"What? No! I was just quoting something I read… somewhere. Or maybe I heard it, it's like someone's motto or something," Bowser frowned, trying to remember the source for a moment, before giving up. "Pah! It doesn't matter where it's from, what matters is that you of all people should appreciate a quote."
"Quotation," corrected Kammy.
"Whatever!"
"Want to hear another one?"
"Another what?"
Kammy face-palmed. "Another quotation!"
"Ugh," grunted Bowser. "Okay, but only if he plays."
"But of course," said Kamek, starting to strum on the guitar immediately. Seeing as it didn't work so well when Kammy tried to tell him to play along to her, he decided that they should try it the other way around.
Kammy scowled at his efforts, but began her speech nonetheless:
"That lord that counseled thee
To give away thy land,
Come place him here by me-
Do thou for him stand.
The sweet and bitter fool
Will presently appear;
The one in motley here,
The other found out there."
"'Here' and 'there' don't rhyme," complained Bowser. "And you can't carry a beat, Kammy."
The old witch put her hands on her hips. "Let's see you do better when you have to accompany his Star-awful music."
"You just don't appreciate a good tune when you hear it," smirked Kamek.
"I do so!"
"Also," interjected Bowser, "I don't like being preached to. And that quote-"
"Quotation!"
"-that quote," growled Bowser, "seemed on topic-"
"The last one was on-topic too."
"If you interrupt me again, I'll flame you into next week!" barked Bowser. "Your last speech made no sense. This one hardly made any sense either, but it sounded like you were saying I was the fool. And I'm no fool."
"Not from where I'm standing, Your Foolishness," grinned Kammy, rubbing it in as much as she could.
"I already kicked Kamek out, you wanna join him?"
"Of course not!" exclaimed Kammy. "Here, you wanna hear a song?"
"Another Shakeguy quote?"
"Another Shakespeareguy quotation." Kammy turned to Kamek, "play something in the tune of A."
"Do you even know what that means?" said Kamek.
"Of course," huffed Kammy. As Kamek started to play a blues demo, Kammy belted out an upbeat little tune:
"Fools had ne'er less grace in a year,
For wise men are grown foppish;
And know not how their wits to wear,
Their manners are so apish.
"Then they for sudden joy did weep,
And I for sorrow sung,
That such a king should play bo-peep
And go the fools among."
"At least I'm only hanging out with fools this time," observed Bowser. "Because it's so true! Bwa ha ha!" At this point, Larry finally made an entrance. "It's about time!" growled Bowser, before noticing the frown on Larry's face. "What's the matter?"
"I remember when you didn't give a Ratooey's rear about how your kids were feeling, but now you're at their mercy, aren't you, Your Dependantness? If they're unhappy, your royal treatment may go wanting – like it is now, mweh heh heh." Kammy chuckled bitterly at Bowser's predicament as Larry glared daggers at her. "You don't agree with what I'm saying? Or do you not want me to speak the truth either. In that case…" Kammy flicked her hand at Kamek, who obediently started playing his guitar to accompany her latest quotation:
"Mum, mum!
He that keeps nor crust nor crumb,
Weary of all, shall want some. –
That's a shelled peapod!"
Kammy had pointed at Bowser for the last line. He arched his eyebrows in confusion. "Huh? Was that a riddle or something?"
"Kammy here is the reason I'm unhappy, King Dad…" said Larry, before the riddler could respond. "And your other minions too… They're all insolent… As if the fact that they answer directly to you puts them above the ones that answer to Roy and I."
"It does," shrugged Bowser.
"No, it doesn't," insisted Larry, in a rare bout of forcefulness. "I used to think there was just a problem with your minions…But it seems that you're the real root of their behavior… I just want an orderly castle, and your minions are making that difficult… If you won't control them… I will."
"The hedge-sparrow fed the cuckoo so long
That it had its head bit off by its young."
"Shut up, Kammy," snapped Bowser, turning back from the musical Magikoopas to his dissenting son. "Who do you think you are?"
"You should ask yourself that… You're really moody these days… Maybe you should try acting your age before you try to put me in my place – not that I'm not already there."
"This looks like a case of the cart pulling the horse, doesn't it, Your Equineness?" Kammy grinned mischievously and then warbled out a single song line: "Whoop, Jug, I love thee!"
"How was that even remotely on-topic?" said Bowser incredulously.
"Which part? The observation or the song?"
"The song, I- Wait! No, I won't get off-topic on account of your off-topic song! Was that your plan all along, to distract me? I- Koopa! I'm getting distracted again!" Bowser shook his head in frustration. He then held out his arms. "What's the matter with you people! Don't your know who I am? I must not be Bowser – I must not be the king or you wouldn't be so sassy, so lippy, so infuriatingly disobedient! It's maddening! Well in that case, please, tell me who I am! – Who you think I am!"
"Bowser's shadow, Your Shadyness," offered Kammy.
"Ha! Maybe I am – because the way I've been treated is certainly not the way a king such as the real Bowser should be treated!"
"Bowser's the Real McCoy!" joked Kammy.
"That I am!" said Bowser, puffing out his chest before glowering at Larry. "And yet you're lot have been treating me like I'm not. Like I'm not the King – like I'm not your father! Koopa, it's like I don't have children, it's so bad!"
"Don't worry, Your Parentalness," soothed Kammy. "They'll make an obedient father of you yet."
Bowser had half a mind to kill Kammy for that, but he directed his anger at Larry instead. "Well, we've established who I am – King Bowser! And since you're obviously not Bowser's son – seeing as how poorly you're treating me – please tell me, sir, what's your name?"
"Very funny, King Dad…" Larry scowled. "You're overreacting… I'm not treating you poorly – certainly not enough to mock-disown me – I'm just trying to be reasonable… A castle cannot function when its soldiers and servants are split between two masters… You do not need them at your back and call alone, for our servants will tend to you, and our soldiers will defend you… If your minions weren't so disorderly – you should see what Petey Piranha's done to the kitchen – if they weren't so misbehaved, the other inhabitants of this castle would be much more welcoming to you, King Dad… If you would relinquish your sole influence on them… and allow Roy and I to keep them in order for you… why, the entire castle would be at your beck and call! …And ours too, and isn't that what you wanted? Us to run the place while you enjoy a- a vacation? …Can't you see that it's not working out like you had planned?"
"NO!" bellowed Bowser, pushing himself out of the throne and towering over Larry, who was still at the foot of the steps. "I WILL NOT! You're asking me to become a guest in my own castle! I am the KING! It's my castle! If the loyalties are divided, then have them all answer to me!"
"But you won't control the Koopas that follow you! …If I give you the rest of the servants and the soldiers, the castle will go to pot! …To the Underwhere in a hand-basket!"
"The castle was fine under my sole command for years- for decades."
"But not anymore! You knew the strains of leading the land for so long were finally creeping up on you, Kind Dad… That's why you divided your kingdom in the first place… You've taken care of everything for so long, now let us take care of you."
"Flattery will get you nowhere! I'm leaving! Surely Iggy and Wendy and the rest of them won't treat me like an infirm old man who can't take care of himself and a few measly minions!"
"I call it like I see it," said Larry, unappologetically.
"You brat! You ungrateful wretch! You're no son of mine! You bastard!"
"Whoa! Whoa! What's all dis screamin' about?" Roy ran into the hallway and skidded to a halt beside Larry, staring at Bowser as he stormed down the steps in a blaze of anger.
"Et tu, Roy? You'd have me controlled? I am the King! Prepare my Koopa Cruiser! I'm leaving!"
"Listen, Pa, I don't know what Larry did ta ya, but-"
"But nothing! I gave you everything! And you repay me by asking for more?! After all I've done for you, you betray me! You're just like Peach, and I won't stand for it anymore! I've been insulted and mistreated and I won't stand for it! You hear me?! I WON'T!"
"I didn't do notin', Pa!" beseeched Roy, though the majority of Bowser's choler was already directed at Larry.
"I hope you never find a mate and never have children!" railed Bowser. "You're such a horrible son, I know you'll be a horrible father too!"
"Like you?" quipped Larry.
"GRAAAAAHHHH!!!" Bowser lunged at his second-youngest son, who jumped behind Roy for protection. Even Roy took a step back from his father's rage, and fortunately for him, Bowser didn't advance any further. "I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!" He screeched, venomous spit flying from his mouth and spattering Roy's face and glasses. He turned and charged out of the room, bellowing for the Koopa Cruiser to be fired up. Kammy and Kamek summoned their broomsticks and followed their king without another word to his stunned children.
"What da hell did you do ta him?" admonished Roy, spinning around to face the cowering Larry.
"I put him in his place… That's all you need to know," said Larry.
"'All I need ta know'? I'm da head o' dis household too, ya know! You just alienated Pa against me, and I damn well wanna know why!"
Toadsworth then entered, and Larry seized upon the distraction, lest he had to answer to Roy. "Did you send Iggy my message?"
"Yes, sire," nodded the old Toad.
"Good, now take a plane to Mushroom Castle. I'm sure that's where King Dad is headed next, and Iggy must know what happened. I'll come myself as soon as I can, but in the meantime, you must be my eyes, ears and tongue."
"Yes, sire." Toadsworth turned and scuttled out of the room as Larry turned to Roy.
"King Dad's out of control, and we must help him… Tough love is the only thing that'll stop the madness… We can't afford to take him lying down anymore… We need to fight fire with fire."
Roy shook his head. "I don't know what yer tinkin', but I don't like it."
"I'm only doing what I must to help the kingdom."
"I'm not so sure, but until I know more, I guess I have no choice but ta trust yer judgement." Roy sighed, wondering why he even chose Larry as his partner in crime.
"No choice at all," grinned Larry sadistically as his brother stormed away.