A/N: In King Lear, they didn't get inside the hovel until Scene 6, but I thought it'd be too hard to stage all the interchanges of this scene in the howling winds. It makes things a bit more convoluted when I have to change it from them merely going inside to going somewhere else, but hopefully the trade-off's worth it.
Act III. Scene iv.
"Finally! Your Ravingnness – er, Bowser! We're here!" Kamek turned around and beamed at the delirious King of the Koopas and Kammy, waving his hand towards a dilapidated old shack. "Hurry, go inside!"
"Hmmph, some vacation! You call that a cottage! Pah!" growled Bowser.
"Semantics," said Kamek. "Please, Bowser, we must go inside."
"You go! My ungrateful children decided that I should whether this weather and by Koopa I will! They're hoping it'll kill me, but I'll survive this storm! I'll emerge stronger than before! They shall not find my body, fresh for the picking, but a King mightier than they could ever be put together! Gwa ha ha!"
"Your Stubbornness, please! Listen to him – he's right, we have to get out of the storm!"
"Fine then, you go Whiney!" said Bowser, bending down and shoving Kammy towards the hovel. "Both of you can go inside and get warm, I'll stay outside. You should thank me Kammy, you always say you'd love to spend the night alone with a hunky rockstar!"
"I do not!" sputtered Kammy. "And even if I did – it wouldn't be with him."
"I shudder at the mere thought of it," said Kamek.
"Or right, it's Wendy who's into rockstars. Damn her – I remember her fantasy love life but she can't even bother to consider my feelings about anything! She and Iggy and Larry and Roy and Ludwig and Lemmy and Junior and Morton!"
"Now now, Morton and Ludwig are on our side," said Kammy.
"And we haven't even heard from Lemmy or Junior," added Kamek.
"That's because they've abandoned me! They've left me at the mercy of their cutthroat and selfish siblings! 'Mercy'? Hah! There's no mercy in their black hearts! GO INSIDE NOW!"
"You go and start a fire," muttered Kamek to Kammy. "I'll figure out a way to bring him inside."
"You better," hissed Kammy.
The other Magikoopa smirked at her order, like master, like minion.
"I'm such a horrible, horrible King!" said Bowser suddenly. "I order my minions around like they're pawns in a game of checkers-"
"Pawns are used in chess," corrected Kamek.
"SHUT UP!" Bellowed Bowser, before suddenly turning remorseful again. "You see? All I ever do is shout and flame people, and now that I can't even flame people I still shout at them and it's just as bad! Did I shout at my children? I shouted at Peach… I shouted at the kids, but that's no reason for them to turn on me like this! I HATE THEM!!!"
"Fathom and half, fathom and half! POOR TOM!"
Kamek and Bowser whirled around at the exclamation, which came echoing from inside the cottage. Immediately Kammy appears, racing towards them on her broom, twisting and turning in the wind. "There's something in there!" she cried as she skidded to a halt.
"We heard," said Kamek.
"He calls… himself… Poor Tom!" she said, panting from the ordeal.
"We heard that too," said Kamek.
"Oh, shut up!" snapped Kammy.
"I wanna see!" said Bowser, rushing off towards the shack.
"Wow, nice going, Kam – you got him inside after-all," said Kamek, condescendingly patting his coworker on her back as he followed the King.
The threesome stopped in the doorway and peered at Lemmy as he crouched in the dirt. He had gotten turned around in the storm and only found the shack himself a few minutes before the others came. He knew the only way he could dupe Kammy and Kamek was if he gave the greatest performance of his life. "Away! The foul fiend follows me!"
"'Fowl fiend'?" repeated Bowser. "Are you being terrorized by chickens? They're common in these parts!"
"Pillicock sat on Pillicock Hill. Alow, alow, loo, loo!"
"He's loo loo," said Kamek under his breath to Kammy.
"Did your kids do this to you?" asked Bowser, walking towards Lemmy, who hunched over for fear of being identified. "Did they take everything from you and left you to rave in the storm? That's what happened to me!"
"Who gives anything to Poor Tom? Whom the foul fiend hath led through fire and through flames."
"Oh, that's a great idea!" Bowser turned and pointed to Kamek. "Play 'Through the Fire and the Flames'! We'll forget our sorrows in song! My kids turned on me, fellow, we're kindred spirits!"
"I doubt he has any kids," frowned Kamek.
"Why else would he be out here?" argued Bowser.
"Do Poor Tom some charity, whom the foul fiend vexes. There could I have him now, and there, and there again, and there!" Having realized Bowser was too far-gone to recognize his son, Lemmy sprung up and started grabbing at the air.
"Maybe he's here because he's crazy," said Kammy, a little miffed that Bowser would try to comfort a crazed hobo more than he would his loyal advisor. "Anyone who wanders in this kind of weather is crazy."
"You see? We're all kindred spirits! We're all crazy! Bwa ha ha!"
"That's not a good thing, Your Daffyness," frowned Kammy.
"Take heed o' the foul fiend; obey thy parents-"
"See I told you he was double-crossed by his kids!" said Bowser, pointing at Lemmy, who kept ranting.
"-Keep thy word's justice; swear not-"
"I think he's just rattling off advice," said Kammy.
"-Commit not with man's sworn spouse-"
"You never agree with me!" whined Bowser.
"-set not thy sweet heart on proud array," finished Lemmy, before shivering through his Pionpi cloak. "Poor Tom's acold."
"Say," said Bowser, peering at Lemmy, "he sounds like he's quoting Shakeguy-"
"For Koopa's sake it's 'Shakespeareguy'!" cried Kammy.
"Hey, no, nonny," chirped Lemmy. He was worried any original ramblings he came up with would be too recognizable, so he decided to quote little snippets of Shakespeareguy instead – if that wasn't crazy, what was? With a grin, he then started to sing:
"Swithold footed thrice the 'old;
He met the nightmare, and her nine fold;
Bit her alight
And her troth plight,
And aroint thee, witch, arount thee!"
"That's totally Shakeguy! Hey, Wrinkles, you and this guy should get together! You have so much in common!"
"Your Matchmakingness, you're embarrassing yourself," moaned Kammy.
"More like embarrassing you," smirked Kamek.
"You both sound like choking Spinies when you sing! Heh heh, thrown in Rock-Man's awesome guitar and my witty commentary and we could be the next Spinal Rap!" continued Bowser.
Kamek opened his mouth to correct the King, when Ludwig appeared in the doorway, a bottle of glowing shielding potion in his hand. "Fazzer!" he cried.
"This is the foul Flibbertigbbet," said Lemmy, cowering from Ludwig's sharp eyes.
"Ha ha! You're a Flibberti-what's-is," chuckled Bowser, pointing at Ludwig.
The Koopaling paid the comment no mind, and only spared Lemmy a passing glance as he strode into the cottage and addressed his father. "I've been looking everyvere for you, I've been vorried."
"Peace, Smulkin! Peace, thou fiend!" said Lemmy, scurrying away from the group so that Ludwig's potion didn't shine too much light on his less-than-perfect disguise.
"Who is zat?" said Ludwig, finally turning his full attention to Lemmy, who inwardly cursed himself for speaking up.
"Oh, that's Poor Tom, Kammy's new boyfriend!" grinned Bowser.
"He is not!" said Kammy.
"Modo he's called, and Mahu," growled Lemmy from the shadows. "…Poor Tom's acold…"
The eldest Koopaling merely shrugged and turned back to Bowser. "Zis shack von't last long in zee storm. It vas only abandoned a few days ago and zee Pionpis have been cannibalizing zee material to build a new storage hut closer to zee town. You can see zee holes in zee roof and zee valls – like over by your friend."
Ludwig nodded his head in Lemmy's direction, and the younger Koopaling's sing-song voice floated back:
"Mousers and ratooies, and such small deer,
Have been Poor Tom's food for many a year."
"Then we'll stay here in the middle where it's dry," said Bowser.
Ludwig shook his head. "You don't understand – zee hut's liable to cave-in at any moment. Can't you hear it creaking?"
"I can," said Kammy.
"You sure that's not the creaking of your own bones, Old-Face?"
"I can hear it too," said Kamek, and Bowser's cruel smile faded.
"Oh… I see… Or should I say, I hear, Gwa ha ha!"
"Zere's a guard station just outside zee castle's outer vall," said Ludwig. "I have enough shielding potion to get us zere. It's much varmer and much safer zan zis place, and zere's food too."
"Great!" said Bowser, who hadn't eaten in a while. "Let's go – but we're taking him too."
"Poor Tom's acold," whimpered Lemmy in response.
"Fine, but vee have to go now," insisted Ludwig, waiting impatiently as Lemmy crawled forwards to Bowser, who crouched down to talk to him.
"Oh great philosopher, what makes thunder?"
"The fiend," said Lemmy, keeping his face turned partially away from his companions.
"What's your field of study?"
"The fiend," repeated Lemmy.
"Really? And what-"
"Fazzer! Vee have to go!"
"All right! All right! We'll talk more later," he said to Lemmy as he stood up straight and followed Ludwig to the door. "Come on!" he called to his three followers.
Kammy and Kamek went without a word, but Lemmy made one more (misquoted) rhyme as he went:
"Fee, fie, foh, fum!
I smell the vim of a Mushroomian!"