A/N: Sorry, this last one was a long time coming, partly because I didn't remember anything from The End, and also because it's harder to summarize these longer books. Surprisingly enough, they actually are denser. (Also, I'm really lazy.) But anyway, after a long wait, here are the condensed versions of books 7-13!
vii.
Mr. Poe: Don't worry!! This is the safest YET!
Sunny: Doudit.
Elders: (screech)
Crows: (caw)
Hector: (sigh)
Villagers: We got him! We got Count Olaf!
Bauds: Yay!
Jacques: Noooo! (burns at the stake)
Bauds: Fuck.
Quagmires: Hey guys!
Olaf: They did it!
Bauds and Quags: RUN!
Quags and Hector: (in hot air balloon) : Bye!
Bauds: Aw man.
Mr. Poe (far far away) : Huh?
viii.
Volunteer: We sing to sick people!
Bauds: Sweet! (they get in their van and speed away)
Babs: Wanna work long hours for no pay…again?
Bauds: Sure!
Klaus: The Snicket File!
All: Ooooh. Aaahhhhh.
Esmé: I'm baaaaaack!
Bauds: RUN!
Violet: Noooo! (gets captured by Olaf)
Olaf: Let's cut her head off!
Hospital People: Yay!
Hal: There's a fire!
Olaf: They did it!
Violet: Uhh…invention time! (they flee the hospital and go in Olaf's car)
Bauds: Phewf... Wait.
ix.
Olaf: We're going to a carnival!
Violet: Let's disguise ourselves as a two-headed person! That'll be really freakish!
Kevin: Um, I can write with both my hands…
Olivia: I am the mystical Lulu!
Bauds: No you're not.
Olivia: Eh, you're right. V.F.D.!
Bauds: What?
Olaf: Let's throw someone to the lions! You! (points to Violet and Klaus)
Violet and Klaus: No thanks.
Bald Man and Lulu: (fall in)
Olaf: Let's blow this popsicle stand. You can come too, freaks. (grabs Sunny)
On the mountain…
Olaf: Sike I know you the Baudelaires! Mwahahahaha!
Violet and Klaus: NOOO! (fall down the slope)
x.
Violet and Klaus (still) : NOOO!
Violet: Invention time! (saves them)
Both: Phewf.
Carmelita: Told you you'd see me again!
Olaf (to Sunny) : Cook for us, orphan!
Sunny: Good thing I can.
Man With Beard But No Hair and Woman With Hair But No Beard: We are evil and have ridiculously long names.
Quigley: By the way, I'm not dead! V.F.D.!
Violet: I love you Quigley.
Quigley: I love you too!
Violet, Klaus, and Quigley: Yay, we saved Sunny from Olaf!
Sunny: I think I'm just gonna chill here.
Violet, Klaus, and Quigley: Okay…let's go trap Esmé! …No wait, that's kind of mean. (go back to the slope) Give us Sunny!
Olaf: No! We want the sugar bowl!
White Faced Women (leaving) : Peace.
Olaf: I'll get you, Baudelaires!
Bauds and Quigley: RUN! (toboggan away)
xi.
Bauds: Ooh, a submarine!
Klaus: (sees Fiona) Phwoar! (dinging noise)
Captain Widdershins: We're off to a grotto full of deadly mushrooms! V.F.D.!
Bauds: What about it?
Captain Widdershins: Nothing.
Sunny: (is poisoned by the mushrooms)
Olaf: I found you, Baudelaires!
Hook-handed man (to Fiona) : Long-lost sister!
Bauds: WTF? He's mean.
Hook-handed man: No such thing. Olaf is righteous.
Fiona: I found the antidote for Sunny! (suddenly, she's fine)
Klaus: Ooh, a code! It says we have to go to Briny Beach…
Olaf: Stupid poetry.
Violet: See ya!
Mr. Poe: I'm baaaack! Where have you been?
Violet: ...You're not Quigley.
xii.
Kit: V.F.D. hotel!
Bauds: What?
Kit: Nothing. Go figure everything out!
Frank/Ernest: We're identical twins. One of us is good and one is evil. The best part is, we've got a triplet that no one knows about!
Bauds: Shit.
Esmé, Sir, Charles, Nero, Carmelita, Mr. Remora, Mrs. Bass: REMEMBER US?
Klaus: I'd rather not.
Everyone: Are you who I think you are?
Olaf (with harpoon gun) : You're gonna die in onetwothreefourfiveten!
Mr. Poe: Hellooo?
Dewey: (dies)
Olaf: They did it!
Bauds: RUN!
Cigarette Man: Wanna ride?
Bauds: Nah.
Judges: JUSTICE IS BLIND!
Bauds: They're evil!
Everyone: (blindfolded) Wha? (the judges and Olaf get away with the Bauds chasing them)
Olaf: Poison mushrooms!
Sunny: Burn down hotel! (they high five)
They all sail away in the boat.
xiii.
Bauds: Hey! An island!
Olaf: Let me in!
Friday: No. (to Bauds) Want some drugs? (holds up cordial)
Kit (floating out of the water) : Hey guys! I'm still pregnant!
Incredibly Deadly Viper: (randomly pops out of nowhere)
Islanders: Hey, Olaf's bad! (put him in a cage)
Bauds: (jaws drop)
Islanders: Mutiny!
Bauds: V.F.D. information!
Everyone: FINALLY!
Ishmael: (shoots Olaf and unleashes poisonous mushrooms)
Bauds: We can save everyone!
Islanders (dying) : Stupid orphans!
Bauds: (shrug)
Kit: The baby's coming! But I'm dying!
Olaf: Hey, I'm dying!
Kit: Me too! But I love you!
Olaf: Me too! (gross kiss, Olaf dies)
Everyone: PHEWF! Wait…what?
Kit: (gives birth, then dies)
Bauds: We'll raise the baby—Beatrice (named after our mother)!
Lemony: Haha, see, I finally told you!… P.S. Chapter Fourteen.
Readers: Whuh?