Chapter 9

The Delusion of Being Self Centered

James wandered around the Academy. He didn't feel he had remotely any connection to what went on around the grounds or in the building. So he simply avoided everyone all together. Since no one knew much about him or seemed to want to know about him for that matter, they didn't bother trying to look for James, which suited him just fine.

He wouldn't know what to say to the Jedi here either. There was no possible way to tell them he'd come from the Peace Brigade and that his job had been to turn Jedi like those at the Academy over to the Yuuzhan Vong. Or to arrest supporters of the Jedi and their cause against the Yuuzhan Vong. James also didn't think they'd sympathize or want to understand that for the most part, the Peace Brigade was his surrogate family.

When his family had died because of a fight that went on between the Yuuzhan Vong and the Jedi plus their allies, James had found himself a prisoner of the Yuuzhan Vong. The Peace Brigade, using a Jedi as a value of trade, managed to free the survivors who'd been captured. The Yuuzhan Vong seemed happier to have the Jedi prisoners than normal humans and other sentient alien races. The majority of the prisoners where young teens like James, who had no family because of the battle that escalated so far that it came into their homes and caused casualties from the air attacks and the Yuuzhan Vong using the inhabitants as shields.

James' house had burned to the ground after a blast from a Yuuzhan Vong ship missed its Jedi target. He wanted that other ship to have been destroyed, instead, the blast hit his house and left it in ruins, and James, unable to remove his family from the smashed house's pieces, ran and was soon captured by the Yuuzhan Vong.

He still had the burns from the explosion too. On his back where a beam from his house fell and hit him. Luckily it pushed him forward rather than trapping him under him, otherwise he'd have been dead, James was told by the Peace Brigade when he relayed his story. James felt everything but lucky. His family was dead because of the so called "luck" he had.

The only ones who were lucky were the Jedi who seemed to get away with everything because someone else was dying in their place. There wasn't a single time when the JedI took a fall for someone else and it didn't cost the galaxy casualties. It wasn't even a fall at that point, it was just avoiding what was coming to them for their faults and mistakes.

James stopped just outside of the great temple. Through the doorway he could see Tahiri in her orange jumpsuit sitting up against a broken piece of stone. James made his way inside the temple and sat down next to her. Tahiri said nothing.

"I don't get you."

She turned her head slightly to face him. "What's that supposed to mean?"

He scowled, "You're always so- so-"

"'So' what?"

"Forgivable." James slumped over and let out a groan of frustration. He had said it, he hated himself all over again for letting himself become a victim of another Jedi trick.

"Forgivable? Who up and made you into the ruler of the galaxy?" She snapped indignantly and smacked him on the side of his head. James rubbed his head.

"Because you're not like the other JedI."

"You mean I'm not responsible for the universe falling apart at its hinges?" She snorted, "Well I've got news for you, Pal, I don't really give a wampa's ass about you forgiving me or not. I'm perfectly capable of deciding whether I'm doing something right or not myself."

James' head turned briefly to the side, "Are you doing things right?"

"How the hell should I know?"

"You just said you knew."

"Shut up." She snapped at him. "You really annoy me, you know that?"

James smirked in a bemused way, "And why's that?"

"You won't shut up."

"You won't either." He grinned from ear to ear. Tahiri sat back, silent, as if to prove James wrong. She could feel her insides boiling.

"Why don't you just leave me alone okay?" She stood up, pacing around as she spat every word at James with intense distaste, "It's bad enough that everyone wants me to be the host of a pity party and invite everyone to send their condolences when I really just don't want to hear it any more! I don't care if your parents were killed by Jedi or if they were killed by Yuuzhan Vong, James, because you know what? They're dead! Like my parents, like Anakin, they're dead! And you blaming everyone unless it benefits you to be sympathetic to them, is sickening." Tahiri breathed heavily because she had yelled every word for the entire temple to hear, then ship scooped up her bag and ran out towards the Academy building, leaving James to sit up against the stone by himself.

For a while, Kirk had stood by the entrance, watching James, even after Tahiri had run past him. He'd gone to find Tahiri so that Master Ikrit could talk to her and overheard her yelling. It didn't take him long to find out where they were with the volume of Tahiri's voice.

"You handled that well," Kirk's voice dripped with sarcasm, "You should just leave her alone for now."

James stood up, his fists clenched, "I don't need to listen to you."

Kirk nodded, "No you don't, but you're being insensitive to Tahiri's feelings."

James rounded on Kirk, "Don't tell me what I'm doing wrong, okay? I know what's going on with her!"

Kirk frowned, "Do you? Just because you lost your parents you get to unlock all the doors to every problem in the galaxy and everyone should just listen to you?"

James froze and didn't face Kirk. "You're arrogant."

"I don't need anyone else telling me what I've done wrong."

Kirk's voice cracked like a whip, "Yes, you do. Because you don't understand what it's like to lose your best friend, it's nothing like losing your parents, which Tahiri has also lost," Kirk's eyes grilled into the back of James' neck, making him shift uncomfortably. "She's lost her family and now the closest semblance to her new family is gone too. I wouldn't ever presume to know what that must feel like because I know I'd be a jerk if I did."

James looked at Kirk. "Really? What do you know about loss?"

Kirk's face remained impassive. "Enough." He then exited the temple and for the second time, James had been lectured and then left alone.

Tenel Ka felt the ship shake, but more than anything what had woken her was the amount of violent feelings coming from Jacen. She got up quickly and threw on her clothes before heading at top speed to the cockpit where she found Jacen shooting wildly at the coral skippers appearing in the frontal viewport.

"Jacen, my friend." She said, "Why did you not tell us you were fighting, we could have helped-"

Jacen's eyes flared as he continued to focus on firing at the coral skippers, "I don't need your help."

His voice was cold and listless, something Tenel Ka had never heard from her friend, even at Jacen's worst moments, he was still light hearted and tried to be positive. Jacen had always strived for a way to connect to all the living part of the galaxy because animals were his specialty. But all of that seemed to have left Jacen's mind at the moment because his thoughts were only focused on the coral skippers and wiping them out one by one. A firm hand on his shoulder followed by a sharp pain brought Jacen's head around to look at Tenel Ka.

"You will not bring your brother back by fighting angrily, Jacen." Her granite colored eyes didn't waver as they stared Jacen down. Jacen said nothing.

"Do you really think that I would not want to help you?" Jacen's eyes went wide. That question surprised him. Tenel Ka wanted to help him destroy the Yuuzhan Vong? A minute ago she was berating him then she was offering to help him?

"You want to help me get revenge?"

"No, Jacen, I want as badly as you do to end this war. But it will not do us any good to do it rashly."

Jacen snorted, "You sound like my uncle."

"At least one of us does. Right now I do not even think I can say you're Jacen Solo."

Jacen scowled more deeply, "What?" His voice became icy.

Tenel Ka could feel his anger but didn't step away. "I want to help you, Jacen, but we should do this the right way. With the force and without anger."

"Easy for you to say, you've never been angry."

Tenel Ka's expression became strained, Jacen's words had hurt her but she wasn't going to give up on trying to get her friend out of his grief. "I have been angry." Her voice was now sharp and had a slight edge, "I am angry because the person I see right now is selfishly seeking revenge."

Jacen's eyes softened a little, her words had finally sunk in. Though somehow he'd already known what he was doing was pointless and ultimately self destructive. He'd let himself be driven by his own pain and his own embittered emotions, and like Tenel Ka had said, he'd been selfish. Anakin wasn't the reason he'd pushed Tenel Ka away, Anakin was just an excuse.

Jacen couldn't look at Tenel Ka now. If anything he wanted her to hit him. He deserved it. He deserved any harsh words she had to offer. His normal self would never had said what he had, and no matter how frustrated he was at his younger brother, he would never use Anakin as an excuse to be destructive.

"I'm sorry." Jacen said, getting up, passing Tenel Ka without looking at her. "I want to be alone." He went to his room and closed the door behind him.

Tahiri found herself once again at the waterfall near the Massassi temple. Despite the long walk, she felt refreshed and a lot calmer once she got there. After blowing up in James' face, she felt she couldn't look at anyone in the Academy without thinking about what she'd said to him. Or rather, screamed at him so everyone could hear.

It was honest, though. That was the worst part. She had meant every word she had yelled at him. That no matter how much either one of them tried to blame someone else they wouldn't bring back their lost friends or family. That she didn't want any more sympathy or understanding from anyone. She just didn't know what she wanted. At the moment, all she wanted was to sit and space out. It was better than trying to cope with what would eventually be a fact for her. Tahiri just didn't want to deal with it, no matter how alone and pathetic it would make her seem, she didn't care.

Tahiri's force sense pricked and she flipped her head around to see a fluffy white creature walking slowly towards her.

"I sent Master Dekim to find you, but it seems that I should have looked myself." Ikrit said as he hopped up onto the stone next to Tahiri's.

"I really don't feel like talking, Master Ikrit." Tahiri told her Master. She felt it was best to be honest with him since he knew better than anyone else what her bond to Anakin had meant.

"Then we shall just sit." The JedI Master replied in his wistful voice. He closed his eyes and began to meditate. Tahiri picked up a stone and skimmed it. Ikrit opened one eye to watch her but said nothing. He was good at making anyone around him relax, no matter where they were or what had been going on in their lives. Maybe that was what a true Jedi Master had the power to do, to simply be near a person and let them relax their tension away.

"Master Ikrit." Tahiri hugged her knees.

"Are we speaking now?" He raised an eyebrow at his student. She had to smile at that.

"Does it go away?"

The Master opened his eyes completely now. "What?" He asked even though he knew what Tahiri was asking already. She had to find it out for herself what she was struggling with, the questions that would lead her to the next step in life, and in the force. Eventually of course.

"The pain and how much I miss him." She looked at her teacher as he once again closed his eyes in thought. Then he reopened them.

"No, it does not. But I think you will find that in itself has a purpose."

"To make things hurt?" She asked sarcastically.

Master Ikrit seemed unfazed by her sarcasm or obviously bitterness towards his comment.

"Somewhat. It is not so much that it makes you hurt as the hurt reminds you why we are Jedi. So we can prevent for however long is possible the same pain for others. Then our own hurt shows us that we cannot forget the part of the force that is gone. That we have the ability to bond. We will always remember the things we lose, Tahiri, but not always the things that are not ours to lose." Master Ikrit stood up and then started away.

"Master Ikrit, wasn't there something you wanted to talk to me about?" She called after him.

He smiled at her, "It seems my student has already begun to talk to herself about it." He replied then went through the jungle and disappeared as was usual of the Master. Tahiri got up and started back to the Academy, this time she decided she'd only come back here if she wanted to go swimming.