It's Beginning to Get to Me
Theme #3: No Promises

---

There was something about Defense Against the Dark Arts that Sirius loathed. It wasn't that he didn't think learning how to fight against dark arts, especially during this bloody war, was a bad idea. It was just that he felt they could be moving a bit faster than they already were, and perhaps learning some entertaining spells to fight with, instead of the usual tripe that he'd been forced to learn since first year.

Remus, however, wasn't quite in as much agreement with the evils as Sirius would have liked. In fact, he felt that their professor was moving at a splendid pace, but Remus usually opted to stay on the professor's side rather than Sirius'.

Today they were working on spells without speaking. Sirius, naturally, felt that this was something they should have learned years ago, not just now in their sixth year. Remus countered his opinion by saying that it was better to master the spells first before trying to perform them without an incantation.

All around them Sirius could hear students muttering when they couldn't successfully summon a spell without speaking. Peter was among them, and looked quite frustrated by it all. Remus looked bemused and patiently waited for Peter to launch an attack at him. Whenever Peter muttered it, he was able to block the spell easily. Remus was having some trouble summoning, too, Sirius soon discovered, which is possibly why Remus felt learning such a thing now in sixth year was more beneficial than, say, fourth year.

James clucked his tongue. "If you'd kindly hurry it up, Padfoot."

Sirius was quick to whip his head around and give James a dirty look before trying to think of a suitable—yet perfectly harmless—spell he could cast on his best friend. James stood before him, the epitome of relaxation and egotism. He smirked at Sirius jauntily while still managing to keep an eye on Lily in the far corner of the classroom.

"Give me a moment," Sirius insisted.

A cry flew from beside them and Peter ducked away as Remus shot out a crooked and completely misspoken spell. Both the boys weren't ready to learn such spells, and Sirius frowned at them, wishing that the could be just a bit more competent at spell launching.

Remus rushed towards his shorter friend. "Are you hurt, Wormtail?"

"He's fine," James insisted with a wave of his hand. "At least you guys are getting some practice in. The slowpoke is making me die of old age over here."

"Hey!" Sirius snapped, turning his attention away from his two friends so that he could send James a self righteous glare. "Shut up. I'm just trying to remember the spell that will turn you into a quiet, vapid woman."

"Like you?" James shot back.

Sirius fumed and happily flipped his middle finger to James. The professor, unfortunately, saw this display and deducted points. Sirius still managed to slip the finger salute when the old bat wasn't looking, just because James still looked too smug.

"Commere, Wormtail," James said airily. "I'll help you. It will be more fun than waiting for Padfoot to actually do something."

He stalked over to the shorter of the four boys and dragged him away, so that he was closer to Lily. The said redhead pointedly ignored him, but that never deterred James in his Quest for Lily's Affection.

Sirius and Remus watched him go before the latter sighed and scratched his cheek. "Um, I guess we're partners now?"

"Seems so," Sirius said evenly and shook his head. "No problem. Let's practice."

"Right," Remus said with a nod of his head and took a couple steps back, nearly tripping over his far-too-large, second-hand robes in the process. Sirius watched him with a critical eye, ready to swoop in and stop the boy from falling on his butt and making a fool of himself.

They practiced for a bit, each one alternating between shooting off the spell and blocking the spell. Sirius could see why Peter was having some problems. Remus was brilliant when it came to reading and studying. When it came to the execution of a spell, however, Remus was average at best. He wasn't a visual learner, it appeared.

"No, no, you're doing it all wrong," Sirius groused. "You're supposed to wave your arm like this." He demonstrated by waving his wandless hand, so as not to accidentally send the hex shooting towards defenseless Remus. "Don't be so jerky when you're waving your wand around."

"All…" the boy began.

"And why in the hell are you sleeping with birds? You're gay," Sirius said suddenly.

"…Right," Remus finished and then stared at Sirius in shock as the words settled in his brain. He blinked his stupid amber eyes at Sirius, not comprehending for a second. "I'm sorry, what did you just say?"

"You heard what I said," Sirius returned, crossing his arms.

"I'm not gay," Remus said, looking curious. "Who said I was?"

Sirius grunted and took a step closer to Remus, so that no eavesdroppers would hear what he had to say. "You did," he said confidently, "You said that you like boys."

"I don't remember ever saying such a thing," Remus said, his eyebrows furrowing without looking angry. He only looked curious. "And who told you I was sleeping with girls, anyway?"

Ignoring the obvious logic in this statement, Sirius continued, "Lily told me."

Remus gave him a curious look. "Now, why would Lily say such a thing? We don't know each other."

"You're prefects together," Sirius corrected.

"Yes, but she really isn't the one to be savvy about my sexual life, no matter how nonexistent said life may be."

"Whatever, it doesn't matter. No one would care if you're gay. The four of us have been friends since first year, and at this point there's not much that would surprise us. Besides, a lot of people probably already think you're gay because of your mannerisms."

Remus pursed his lips. He looked down at the textbook lying open on the classroom table, reading the incantation again and studying the diagrams displaying the proper way to twitch the wand when firing the particular hex.

"I'm not gay," Remus said again, "I like girls. I've even kissed them a couple times. Not nearly as much as you, granted, but enough. I'm not gay, and I've never slept with anyone, either. I don't know where you get these silly ideas in your head, Padfoot."

Sirius huffed and plucked the book away from Remus, reading over the instructions there even though he didn't have to. He'd been doing this spell since second year. That was just how brilliant he was, though if he were to say that out loud Remus would laugh at him.

"Whatever, so Lily's wrong about the sleeping with girls thing," Sirius muttered and wondered why he'd believed her in the first place. It's not like Remus would tell Lily, or anyone, such a thing in the first place. Also, Lily may have been joking at the time. He never could tell with her. "But don't you dare stand there and pretend you're not gay. We've known each other for too long for you to fool me. Besides, you told me yourself that you like boys. Just last week."

"Give me that book back, Padfoot," Remus said evenly and took the book gently from Sirius' grip. "I want to get this spell right, and it's taking too long for me to do so. And, before you ask, I'm not stalling. I just want to complete this assignment and not have to do it later." He cradled the book in the crook of his elbow whilst reading over the words on the page. He flipped some of his graying hair from his eyes and his fingertips brushed over a small scar above his left eye. He was quiet for a moment before saying lightly, "I never said that I liked blokes, I said that I like you."

Sirius snorted, the weight of this statement completely passing over his head. "Okay, and what am I exactly?"

Remus rolled his eyes and set the book down. He flipped his wand experimentally, shook his head, and looked down at the diagrams.

"So, obviously I'm a bloke," Sirius continued with his logic, determined to make Remus realize that he was being ridiculous, "and if you like me…"

Sirius trailed off and his mouth flopped open. Remus glanced at him curiously when he trailed off. The prefect looked like he was torn between saying something sarcastic and bursting out laughing. He shrugged one shoulder and straightened up, jutting one hip out and giving Sirius a questioning look.

"Holy crap, you like me," Sirius said at last.

Remus looked surprised for a half a second before he shook his head. "You're getting this now? My goodness, Sirius, getting hit by all those hexes and curses must have given you brain damage. It's taken you this long to finally figure it out?"

Sirius didn't answer him, thinking over this new fact. He furrowed his brow and crossed his arms, looking like brain damage was a very real possibility. He hadn't even registered what Remus meant when he'd told him. He'd just shrugged it off and that had been that. There was nothing to it and it was just the same as always. He, in his infinite amounts of wisdom, never once thought that, maybe, Remus meant a non-platonic liking.

Remus gave him a benign smile, and Sirius wasn't sure if the look he saw in his eyes was amusement or fear. It was a strange juxtaposition, but he wouldn't put it past Remus to display both emotions at the same time.

"You're going to have to give me some time to think about this," Sirius said at last when Remus looked like he was about to protest Sirius' untimely silence.

"You don't have to think about it, Padfoot," Remus said kindly, shrugging his shoulders. The smile on his face slipped away and only left a strange, empty shadow on his lips. He hated it when Remus did that. "And you don't have to do anything, either. I didn't tell you because I expected you to do anything about it. Though I am surprised we're talking about this now instead of when I told you."

There were a dozen thoughts running through Sirius' head. This was most atypical of him. Normally, and had his thoughts not been a jumbled mess of stuff, he would debate over whether or not he should be thinking. Sirius Black was not a thinker. He thrived on impulse and spontaneous behavior. Sitting around and thinking was something Remus did.

"I feel like I should," Sirius admitted. "You know, conclusiveness and all that."

Remus smiled that same, empty smile. "No promises, hm?"

Sirius looked at his feet, as if they would give him a stroke of inspiration on how to respond to such a statement. Seeing as how his footwear was not inclined to present to him all the secrets of life, Sirius simply shook his head.

"Just need to think," he said.

There was an awkward silence. The world continued on around them, enjoying their lessons or threatening one another—as the case was with James, who seemed to be turning a strange shade of orange. So Peter had finally gotten the hand of silent spells.

Remus flipped his wand and sparks flew from the tip. The sheer amount of joy on his face was enough for Sirius to forget about the incredibly awkward discussion from before. Almost. He couldn't shake it from his mind.

"You know," Sirius said casually, leaning on the desk and waggling his eyebrows towards where Peter was standing. "I bet we could get him to hang upside down. You know, the bit that James likes to use on Slytherins."

Remus raised his eyebrows, looking quite intrigued by such a statement. "Really, Padfoot, how completely devilish of you."

"Hm," Sirius said and grinned wickedly. He flipped his wand and recited the incantation in his head.

Peter's squeals alerted that Sirius' plan had succeeded, and seeing Peter hanging upside down with his robes around his head was enough to make anyone's day.

Remus only seemed faintly amused, and Sirius wondered if his 'thinking' would harm their relationship. Maybe, if he'd gone on in blissful ignorance of Remus' confession, things would stay fine.

The professor didn't find Sirius' antics at all amusing and assigned him a detention. Remus merely shook his head and Sirius wished that the werewolf would smile for him. Just once.

"You know, Moony," Sirius said casually as the bell rang and students began packing up. He watched Remus stuff his text book into his bag and give Sirius a curious look. "Life kind of sucks."

Remus raised his eyebrows and shrugged one shoulder. "Yeah."

Sirius was slightly surprised by such a statement. "Funny, I always thought you'd be… more optimistic about such things. Aren't you always preaching about the good of all men?"

Remus was still smiling that stupid, bitter smile. It didn't settle well in Sirius' stomach. "I suppose you would think that."

Sirius had no idea what that was supposed to mean, and didn't care to find out.

---

It'd been subtle, because everything Remus did was subtle. At first, Sirius tried to pretend that it was all in his head, but Remus was undoubtedly avoiding him. He didn't like it. He'd been fine when he first told him.

James walked ahead with Peter, and Remus was walking slightly behind Sirius. The said boy frowned thoughtfully and was only half-listening to what James was saying.

"So," James said, loud enough for Sirius to hear but quiet enough for him not to care. "Tonight is the night Lily does her tutoring session. It is time for me to unleash my prowess once again."

Sirius rolled his eyes and glanced over his shoulder, giving Remus a smile that clearly demonstrated his thoughts on how loony James was. Remus returned a tentative smile, but it was dry and empty. Sirius was quick to turn around.

"Sirius, you shall be my wing man!" James announced.

"I was your wing man last time," Sirius moaned and shook his head. "Take Peter this time. No one will bother you if Peter's with you. Last time I helped you with Lily I was bombarded by her friends."

"True," James said with a scrunched up brow. "Fine then. Peter! You shall be my wing man tonight!"

They reached the Fat Lady and after saying the password—"Pig's Spleen"—they entered the common room, where the tutoring session was already underway. Lily was in the far corner, standing in front of a group of fifth years and giving out tips for the incoming O.W.L.S.

James and Peter were already making their way over, wading through some stray students to get to Lily. Sirius watched him go before turning on his heel and heading for the dorms. He always hated tutor night. Girls were always coming up to him and asking him for advice, and while he was a glutton for attention and knew plenty about magical know-how, he hated tutoring.

He set off to reach the dorms' staircase. He took two steps before shooting his arm back and grasping the hood of Remus' hood. The boy choked behind him as Sirius tugged.

"Where do you think you're going?" Sirius asked.

"I was going over there to study," Remus said lightly, pointing his finger in some random direction. He massaged his neck and gave Sirius an indescribable look. "Is that a crime?"

"What are you talking about? You always spend tutor night with me," Sirius said, and fought hard to keep the hurt from his voice. Remus sighed.

"Not when you're James' wing man," Remus pointed out.

Sirius' frown deepened. "But even then you usually hang around with me. Like the third wing man or something."

"Maybe I didn't feel like it this time," Remus said hypothetically and shrugged his shoulders. He'd been shrugging a lot lately, and Sirius didn't like it.

"That's bullshit and you know it," Sirius accused. "You just don't want to spend time with me."

Remus gave him a hurt look and Sirius knew right away that he'd been right. Remus was subtle, but Sirius knew all of Remus' subtle little tricks. He hadn't spent six years around the guy for nothing.

The werewolf, however, tried his best to cover up this fact with a simple, "I don't remember it always being that way, Sirius. I'm sure there are times when I studied down here during tutor night and you were upstairs, or with a bird, or off somewhere else."

Sirius' eyes narrowed. "No, it's always been this way. We decided we'd always do hang out together on tutor night while James was making a fool out of himself."

"I don't remember promising that," Remus said and looked away, a dark look in his eyes.

Sirius crossed his arms and glared at a first year when he came too close to them. The small child made a small peeping sound and ran away quickly in the opposite direction. All of Gryffindor house knew of Sirius' temper. "Why are you avoiding me, Moony?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," Remus said evasively.

"You're avoiding me," Sirius said confidently, though he wished he were lying. He gave Remus a desperate look, wishing Remus would stop trying to avoid it. "Why?"

Instead of answering, Remus seemed to go off on a tangent, "You know, when I first told you that I liked you, you only said, 'okay.' And it was fine. Everything was the same and there was a big weight off my chest because you knew my secret and you didn't care. But then you finally realized what I said to you during class and you've been all nervous around me ever since."

"I'm just thinking about what you said," Sirius protested.

"And I told you, Sirius, you don't have to," Remus said evenly. His eyebrows twitched like he wanted to scowl but was avoiding the facial expression. "I don't expect you to promise me anything, and I don't expect you to do anything about my fancying you. I just felt that you should know."

"Why did you tell me if you didn't think I'd do anything about it?" Sirius demanded.

Remus shrugged. The conversation was getting too intense for him and he wished he could slowly sink into the ground. "It doesn't matter. I just wanted you to know. I'm going to the library."

"No you're not," Sirius hissed and grabbed Remus' hand. He dragged him up the stairs to the dormitory easily, despite Remus' protests. "We're talking about this, and you're not getting the hell away from me. I guarantee you that."

Remus frowned at Sirius' back and let the boy drag him forward, wishing that he were in the library or James' wing man instead of Peter. Hopefully James wouldn't be successful tonight and come join the two boys before they could do anything drastic alone. Sirius looked angry.

"So what's with you?" Sirius demanded once he'd slammed and locked the door.

"Like I said," Remus said, tight-lipped and realizing he couldn't get out of this situation without hexing Sirius, "I told you and you didn't care. You just kept walking to class and it was cool between us. Then you found out what I meant and you got all weird. You freaked out."

"I did not freak out," Sirius accused. "I hung Peter upside down by his ankle and I got a detention. This is standard of me and you. Only, you did not talk the professor out of said detention for me."

Remus looked away and crossed his arms. "You know what I mean."

"Besides," Sirius continued, as if he hadn't heard Remus, "Any person would be a bit freaked in that situation, Remus. It's not every day that one of your best mate's admits that he likes you."

"You were fine before."

"I just don't know what to do, okay? And it doesn't help that I have no fucking clue what's going on inside your head. You've hardly looked at me, and it's been weeks, Moony. What do you want me to do?"

"I told you," Remus stressed, "I don't want you to do anything. I don't expect you to do anything. I know you won't do anything."

"Then why did you tell me?"

"I didn't want secrets," Remus said miserably. "I felt that we knew each other well enough to share these things. You already know my deepest secret, what does one more, littler one make a difference?"

"I'm still thinking," Sirius confessed.

"Well, don't," Remus said with a shrug. "I told you because I told you."

"Maybe you shouldn't have told me," Sirius accused.

Remus smiled sadly, and it didn't quite reach his eyes.

"Goodnight, Sirius," he said miserably.

"It's too early and you're still dressed," Sirius said with a frown.

Remus moved towards his curtains and brushed aside the curtains. He didn't say anything right away. Instead, he took in a deep breath and gave Sirius an indescribable look. He didn't have to say anything for Sirius to know what Remus was saying to him.

"Moony…"

"Goodnight, Sirius," Remus said sadly and climbed into his bed. Sirius stared at him, his lips thin and his eyes dulled.

He took a step forward and tugged the curtains aside. Remus sat, his legs to his chest, staring at the foot of his bed. He didn't turn to look at Sirius, and both boys suspected this would happen. Sirius climbed onto the bed in front of Remus and mimicked his movements. They didn't meet each other's eyes for the longest time.

"I'm still thinking," Sirius whispered, "But I think I know what my answer will be."

"Oh," Remus said passively, revealing nothing in his eyes.

Sirius nodded gravely.

No more words passed between them for another long interval. But this silence was somehow lighter, and not as ominous.

"I will never hate you, Moony," Sirius whispered, the shadow of a hesitant smile on his lips. "I promise."