Chapter 18

Embracing The Mask

Zekk found himself wandering around a lot more since he and Anakin returned from their trip to Dagobah. He had become the restless one who avoided everyone while Anakin sat in his tent most of the time, silently resolved to lying on his cot.

If Zekk hadn't been wrestling with his own experience in the cave, he would have gone to talk to Anakin. After all Anakin had done a lot for Zekk in taking him to the cave in the first place. It had only served to tell Zekk what he already knew himself.

For the longest time he'd wondered what Jaina had thought of him. Before he'd joined the Second Imperium, Zekk used to lie awake and think of what his friend Jaina was doing. The life she had led was so different from Zekk's, he thought his friends would never see him on the same level. That was what the Second Imperium used to twist Zekk's mind into thinking they were the ones who never noticed that he, Zekk, was force sensitive.

Zekk then thought Jaina must have thought he was dirt, he didn't want to hurt her, but he knew they couldn't be friends. He had to be with the dark side, only they understood what he was and who he could become. Or at least, that's what he'd thought.

It was clear why Jaina was the one with the lightsaber in the cave and not him. Zekk had hurt her so badly by betraying his friend that she was ready to lash out at him. Or maybe that was just what Zekk was afraid of. That Jaina hated him because he'd killed so many people. He hadn't even found the courage to tell her everything about his experience in the Second Imperium. He'd been a dark Jedi, the very thing his friends had been trying to combat.

The very thing that Anakin was shadowed by and almost consumed by. Zekk's heart went out to the younger boy. Anakin had faced only a small amount of what Zekk had but he'd hurt people that were even closer to him. That could only make the guilt worse. It also made telling the people Anakin cared about harder. But the younger Jedi hadn't seen anything in the cave related to the dark side, so Zekk knew Anakin would be fine.

Zekk knew better than anyone what that was like. The fear of being lashed out at. He thought all the time about Jaina suddenly telling him he was a traitor and that he sickened her for the murder he'd committed. How on earth could he possibly tell her? For Jaina's sanity, he couldn't. There was enough going on in her life that adding on the weight of his dark past was just not fair.

Still, the fear was still there. Every moment he put off telling Jaina about his past, Zekk could feel himself growing more and more distant and shut up inside his own mind. Somehow, he had to tell her something. Or at least he had to apologize for the pain he'd caused. Even though she'd forgiven him back then, he still knew he didn't deserve her friendship after that.

There was nothing he deserved more than to be killed like the murderous Yuuzhan Vong who killed like Zekk did… in cold blood. Maybe Anakin was right. Separating himself and finishing his battles on his own was the best choice. Zekk knew he'd have to tell Jaina the truth, then leave before he caused any more damage.

Anakin sat up and went outside. It was dark outside so no one noticed him slip outside of the camp. That was the way Anakin wanted it to be.

Now he had two visions that he had to deal with. The first was the one he'd had when he was delirious and in pain from stabbing himself with his own lightsaber. In the vision Obi-Wan and his grandfather had appeared, telling him he had to embrace his heritage.

At the moment, Anakin wanted anything but that. He just wanted to be a normal child, someone completely oblivious to the force so his name didn't mean a thing. Anakin seethed inwardly at the thought anyone could have had in naming their child after Darth Vader. Even though Anakin Skywalker was a good man, Anakin only knew him as someone who'd lost their humanity long ago. In fact, Darth Vader had given up his humanity because he wanted to kill people. Anakin knew that was the truth.

He carried the name of a person who wanted so badly to be superhuman he was willing to destroy everything he was supposed to protect to achieve his goal.

"Well, Grandpa," Anakin said softly, "You got your wish. You're superhuman and you've given me your name because of it."

Nobody would have remembered Darth Vader if he hadn't become evil. It was the evil that made people notice you. Those who were noticed for good were better off staying hidden because one day someone would try to kill them too.

Anakin fingered his lightsaber, and turned it on. The violet blade flickered in the moonlight. He wondered how many people he had to kill to turn the glowing light crimson.

A voice broke Anakin's reverie.

"Want a duel?" Zekk asked, coming over, as he ignited his own lightsaber. Anakin slowly raised his blade to cross with Zekk's. They clashed and sparks flew. Anakin backed and then struck again, Zekk's blade came up and pushed Anakin's back. Anakin regained his balance then slashed at Zekk's unprotected side, Zekk parried and returned the attack.

Anakin shifted his weight and leapt backwards, landing cleanly on his feet.

"Nice footwork." Zekk complimented without breaking his stride and attacked again. Anakin blocked and flicked Zekk's blade away and cut a hole in the side of Zekk's shirt.

"Thanks." Anakin grinned and renewed his vigor.

Tenel Ka came out to see what the commotion was and saw Zekk and Anakin Solo sparring with their lightsabers. She blinked the sleep from her eyes. Didn't anyone ever get any sleep around here?

Anakin felt the sweat gathering on his forehead and took a deep breath before coming down harder on Zekk's defense. The sparks flew around them as neither one relented on their defense or offense.

Zekk gritted his teeth and Anakin took a stance to hold his ground. Then Zekk lost his footing and Anakin took advantage of the opening and force shoved Zekk over and flicked his blade to Zekk's neck, his declaration of victory.

"Okay, you win." Zekk held up his hands in defeat. He flicked his lightsaber off and clipped it to his belt. Anakin reached out a hand and helped Zekk to his feet.

"You're a good fighter. Maybe even better than either of your siblings." Zekk dusted the sand off his pants and shirt.

"I doubt that." Anakin said, clipping his own lightsaber to his belt.

"I'm serious. You had me cornered." He grinned, "I was beat. If you'd attacked again, I would have been finished."

"Probably because I've got more anger than Jacen or Jaina." Anakin said, absentmindedly kicking the sand with his foot. He felt a hand on his shoulder. He looked up to see Tenel Ka on his right.

"That is not true. You are not angry. Zekk would not have fought with you if you were."

"Well, that's not entirely true." Zekk mumbled and Tenel Ka glared at him, then returned her attention to Anakin.

"Anyone who says you are an angry hateful person is a fool." Tenel said, folding her arms across her chest. The warrior girl fixed Anakin with a hard stare. "I do not know you as well as I know Jacen or Jaina, but I do know that you do not simply hate people and get angry at them."

"You weren't there when I threw my dad against a wall, Tenel Ka." Anakin replied tartly, "I appreciate your faith in me, but it's a waste of time."

"I thought you said you didn't see anything in the cave that was related to the dark side?" Zekk asked, staring curiously at Anakin.

"I didn't. But I don't need the cave to tell me I'm more like my grandfather than anyone else in my family."

"Anakin-" Zekk began but Anakin had already started off into the desert to vent off some steam. Zekk started after him but Tenel Ka held Zekk back.

"Anakin needs to be alone. I think more is going on with him than what happened in the cave." Tenel Ka watched Anakin's small form disappear over a dune.

Zekk's face creased with worry, "I just hope it doesn't crush him."

Anakin continued walking until his feet hurt, then he stopped and sat down on a dune, his knees drawn up to his chest and his arms wrapped around his legs. The wind blew his bangs to and from his face.

I wonder if Uncle Luke ever felt this helpless when he lived here, Anakin thought. The desert was a friend to those who wanted to wander aimlessly, but to those looking for a distinct path, there was nothing worse.

Anakin felt like a nobody out here. But at the same time, it made him forget who he was. Who his parents were, and what his heritage was. Out here he was free of anything and everything that tied him to the Jedi or the force.

Yet, he couldn't stay out here. When the Sytars went back to help finish the war, Anakin would have to go with them. He was one of their Jedi intermediaries that would negotiate between the Jedi and the Sytar race to formulate a war plan. The whole idea seemed ludicrous. The Sytars alone couldn't help finish the war, not even with the help of the Jedi.

It would take someone who was equally brutal to face the Yuuzhan Vong head on. Anakin shook his head. No, it would take someone just as immune to pain and morality. Someone like me, Anakin thought with a sad smile.

He could just let himself become brutal, be that person to lose himself for the war to end. But if he did that, he couldn't ever face his family or friends again. He'd have to go away and then live alone until he died, so that his damage was minimal.

Anakin felt a deep sorrow sweeping over him. He couldn't ever see his friends ever again. Not after becoming a monster. The younger kids at the Academy would regard him as a hero but at the same time vow never to become like him. Fear his name.

His parents would mourn that they'd never be able to see him again, but feel grief because Anakin wasn't able to avoid being like his namesake.

Then there was Tahiri. Tahiri. The one who had never given up on Anakin no matter what he decided to do. She had never doubted the person Anakin was or would become. She was the rock in Anakin's life. The one thing that gave him confidence to make it from day to day.

His loss of humanity would come as a worse blow to her than if he was dead. But she'd have everyone with her. His parents, Kam and Tionne would be there. Tahiri would never be alone, even if he left she would be fine.

Anakin wasn't entirely sure if this was what Obi-Wan and his grandfather meant. But it somehow made sense. Anakin Skywalker had thought whatever cause he was fighting for was worth losing himself to. Worth losing everything that he'd built.

Anakin knew he wouldn't be destroying anything, he would be protecting his family and friends no matter how lost he got along the way. This was what it meant to be named Anakin: to believe in fighting for something even if it made you lose yourself.

The cave had shown more or less that Anakin wouldn't have time to think much about failure to stay to the light side anyway. If the cave was right, Anakin would be gone by the time his actions were clear. By the time his murder was complete, he'd have died.

Unlike his grandfather, Anakin Solo had no intention of sticking around to see the horrified looks on his family's faces when they realized their son and brother wasn't human anymore.

Or the look that Tahiri had when she realized her best friend had finally given up fighting the dark side and decided to lose himself on purpose.

Maybe they'd look on Anakin with pride or praise and some shame, but in the end, they'd be alive to have that choice. The whole galaxy would be in tact to see itself whole in time, to heal, and to move forward.

Anakin smiled. Dying didn't seem so bad. It just meant that he wouldn't be able to feel and once he was gone, he wouldn't have to worry about the force, about light or dark, because when he was gone, there was only the force.

The mask of Darth Vader was Anakin Solo's to wear, but only in life. He wouldn't break his family's hearts any more than he had to. Only until the last minute would Anakin look through those dark slits and see the world in shades of black.

Then he'd be gone. With the world still finding its way to the light. Anakin's voice spoke confidently, "I'll take the mask, Grandpa. It's no one else's to wear but mine."

A/N- Stay tuned for the sequel story titled "When it Begins Again." Until then, please review on this chapter and others! Thanks! I need more readers!!