Sorry isn't Good Enough
Theme #11: Bitter honey

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Remus sat at the table in the common room, studying. Sirius stared at his back, trying to summon the proper words.

An uneasy smile bloomed on Sirius' lips. He rubbed his hands nervously, staring at Remus' back. "Do you… need any help?"

"I don't need any help you can give me," Remus said coldly.

Sirius retreated a step, as if Remus had struck him. "Ah… I didn't mean it like that."

"Go away," Remus told his homework, refusing to lift his gaze. He blinked rapidly so he could banish the painful tears collecting in his eyes. "Leave me alone."

The smile wilted off Sirius' face. "Remus… please… If you'd just talk to me."

"Betrayer," Remus said harshly, his eyes clenching shut and his grip on his quill increasing. "Go away."

Sirius stared helplessly at Remus' back, his slate grey eyes impossibly sad. Remus was angry, and Sirius understood why, but that didn't mean he wasn't upset about it. He took a step towards Remus again, stretching out his hand as if he were about to grab the boy. But both boys stilled and a strange silence saturated the air.

"Go away," Remus repeated, sounding broken and unfathomable depressed.

Sirius' hand clenched and he retracted it to his chest. His heart throbbed painfully and he clenched the fabric of his cloak. He ducked his head and clenched his eyes shut.

"I'm sorry," Sirius whispered out brokenly. "If I could take back what I did…"

"You can't," Remus cut him off before a broken whisper of impossibilities could occur. "You can't."

"Remus… I'm so sorry…"

"Sorry isn't good enough anymore, Sirius," Remus said helplessly. He shook his head and clenched his quill tighter. The tip was digging into his palm, but he didn't care, even when he felt it puncture his skin. "Just leave me alone. Please."

Finally Remus lifted his head. His face was a perfectly practiced display of apathy. There was no sign of his pain, of his hurt, of his sorrow. He regarded Sirius blankly, his eyes a dark, bitter honey. Sirius swallowed, feeling his heart shatter into thousands of little pieces and clatter about his chest.

He dropped his hand and sighed feebly. "Okay. I'll leave you alone."

Whatever Remus was expecting Sirius to say, that hadn't been it. There was a crack across his perfectly formed expression. His eyes flashed painfully. His hands clenched and he turned his face away. It was for the better. He knew this.

"I know it doesn't matter anymore," Sirius whispered, sounding tired and defeated. "But I regret what I did. I never wanted to hurt you. I wasn't thinking. It was stupid. I was stupid. And I am so sorry for it."

"Sorry isn't good enough anymore," Remus repeated.

"I know," Sirius responded. He sounded like he would cry. "But it's the truth. I would give anything to have you back."

The quill in Remus' hand snapped and the boy stood up. He glared at Sirius, hating him for making him feel this way. He hated him for putting him in danger, for betraying his secret, for treating him like a mere catalyst for a prank. But he hated Sirius even more for, despite all of this, still loving him, and Remus loving him in return. Over everything else, Remus hated Sirius for still making him care.

"Don't talk to me again," Remus said painfully, blood dripping from the cut in his palm. "Just leave me alone, Sirius. It's too late. Quit trying to manipulate me."

"That's not what I'm doing," Sirius protested, reaching for Remus again.

The other boy retreated abruptly, bumping into his chair and knocking papers to the floor. He gripped the table for support and stared at Sirius with wide, frightened eyes.

"Don't come near me. You betrayed me. How can you expect me to just come back to you with a mere sorry?" Remus demanded.

"How can I prove it to you?" Sirius begged. He so rarely begged.

Remus looked away. "Leave."

"Remus…" Sirius whispered, taking another step towards him. Remus was trapped, pinned between the table, the wall, and Sirius. He stared at him, like an animal facing the hunter. He swallowed and flinched away from Sirius when the boy lifted a hand and cupped his cheek. "Remus, please," Sirius begged, "Look at me. Speak to me."

The hand on his face hurt. It was painful. It was painful having Sirius there. It was painful having somebody who was supposed to love him unconditionally standing there before him, a betrayer.

"Don't," Remus begged, but opened his honey-colored eyes to stare at Sirius. His eyes pleaded. "Please, don't."

A thumb passed over feverish skin. The rough, padded thumb pressed against parted lips. Remus clamped his mouth shut and tried to jerk his head away. Sirius lifted his other hand and cupped both cheeks.

"I don't want to lose you," Sirius confessed.

"Too late," Remus muttered. "Let go of me. What if somebody sees?"

"I don't care," Sirius admitted. "I don't care. I just want… I just want you to look at me."

"I am looking at you," Remus protested.

"Look at me," Sirius said again.

Remus looked at him. He swallowed. He tried to look away, but couldn't break his gaze from the impossibly heartbroken look in the other boy's eyes. He'd seen that look so many times before, but never this intense. Never this frighteningly sad.

"You'll just do it again if I forgive you," Remus whispered. He touched one of Sirius' hands despite himself. "You'll just hurt me again. You play with my feelings all the time. You won't change."

"I'll change for you," Sirius promised.

"You said that last time," Remus said.

Sirius' eyes were smoldering. He looked like he meant it this time. Remus didn't want to give in. Remus didn't want to give him the chance to hurt him again. He tried to jerk his head away. His hands gripped Sirius' wrists and pulled.

Sirius kissed him, because he couldn't think of a way to keep Remus there. He was cold and unresponsive beneath him. The hands on his wrists slackened, but his lips didn't move. Sirius regretfully pulled away, missing his warmth.

The cold, bitter eyes were back. They stared at Sirius feebly. "Get away from me."

"Remus," Sirius began, but couldn't find the words. "… Please."

Remus did the one thing he was perfect at. He pushed Sirius away.

"Not this time."

But it was only a matter of time before Sirius wore him down, and they both knew it.