Chapter 16: Someone to Lean On
Addy entered her chambers, tears flowing down her face. She wanted to collapse into her bed fully clothed and escape into a dreamless sleep that would rescue her from the pain and sorrow of the past few hours. But she could still smell Voldemort's sickening stench on her robes and in her hair, and the repulsive sensation of his skin lingered on her hands. She also knew she should attend to the scratches on her head. Earlier, she'd harbored hopes that Snape might help her with them, but that was nothing more than an absurd fantasy now.
She disrobed and stepped into the bathroom, turning the shower jets on as hot as she could take them. She scrubbed at herself vigorously, angrily, hoping to wash away the night. Multi-colored bruises were blooming on her arms where Snape had grabbed her and she childishly scoured at them too. Her tears mixed with the water from the tap, and she howled in anguish, hugging herself.
She breathed in the hot steam that swirled around her face, the sound of Snape's accusations ringing in her ears. No amount of water could rinse that sound from her memory.
Before stepping out of the shower, she reopened the wounds on her head and irrigated them painfully, not wanting to think about what an infection from one of Voldemort's scratches might do. The blood pooled at her feet and she watched in morbid fascination as it swirled down the drain.
She stood transfixed by the sight for a long while, contemplating the release of this blood—this stuff from inside her. She wished there was some way to release everything else from inside her too--the bitterness about the choices that had been foisted on her by her father…the impossible longing for Snape's trust…the self-loathing that drummed away inside her, demanding to be heard. She dreamed of emptying herself of all this torment that coursed through her, until she was a hollow shell, untouched by the convictions and caprices of any other being, and immune, even, to the voices in her own head.
Finally, she snapped out of her trance, turned off the water and stepped out of the shower, avoiding the mirror. Her insides felt like an empty, aching pit, as though something was missing that was supposed to be there. But at least she felt clean again.
For a second, she considered dressing and going down to Snape's chambers, intent on setting the record straight. But she quickly dismissed the thought. 'What's the point?' she thought. 'Why should anyone trust you, least of all Snape? You're Iscarious Jones' daughter, and you always will be. Nothing can change that.'
She put on a set of black linen pajamas and attempted to check the back of her head in the mirror. Retrieving a few ingredients from her cabinet, she mixed a plaster of taro root and unicorn hoof, and applied it roughly to the scratches. Although it smarted badly and she was alone in her bathroom, she would not permit herself to cry any further, or even wince. Then she retrieved her wand and tried to seal each wound with the tip, while repeating the incantation, "Medicorium."
When she was finished, she laid down in her bed, staring out the window into the starlit sky. The moon was three-quarters full, and she remembered that she had wanted to check in on Remus earlier that night.
Sleep would not come, and Addy's eyes remained wide open, her mind flooding with the scenes and sensations of the day. The sight of Snape holding a corner of her robe to his face…Neville offering his fearful explanation to Dumbledore…the memory of her father returning from the Longbottom household…the aroma of Snape as he leaned over her chair…the feel of his thumbs caressing her palms…his soulful expression when she'd said goodbye to him at the gate…the familiar yet melancholy ring of Nagini's voice…the insanity in Voldemort's grin…the glimmer in her father's eyes…and the loathing in Snape's eyes, and his hot breath in her face, as he accused her of betraying him to Voldemort.
The torturous images roiled in her mind, keeping the sweet release of slumber at bay, until Addy thought she might go mad. She sat up abruptly, rubbing her face, then threw on a night robe and grabbed her wand, heading out the door.
She whispered, "Lumos," and her wand emanated a faint glow, enough to light her way through the corridors. Without a destination, she wandered briskly, at times breaking into a run, as though she could out-distance the memories. At length, she found herself at the foot of the stairs that led to the East Tower. She gazed up the dark stairway, wondering if some fresh air could help drive these demons from her mind.
At the top of the stairs she opened the door to the flat roof of the Tower and stepped into the moonlit freshness of the night, extinguishing her wand. She breathed in deeply, trying to fill the emptiness inside her with something good, something pure.
Suddenly, she detected movement ahead of her. In the dim light, she could make out a person leaning on one of the parapets that surrounded the roof, gazing out over the grounds.
"Who's there?" she cried, her wand outstretched.
The figure turned around, and the bluish glow of moonlight illuminated the weary face of Remus Lupin. Addy sighed with relief and pocketed her wand.
"Oh, Remus, it's you. What are you doing out here?"
"Couldn't sleep," Remus said, giving her a sad little smile. "You either?"
"Nope," she replied, joining him at the edge of the roof with a sad shake of her head.
Addy said, "I was thinking about you at dinner. I meant to visit you this evening, but I got called by Voldemort and only returned a short while ago. I figured it was too late to disturb you."
"You should know it's never too late," he responded. "I don't sleep much, especially when the moon is this bright."
Addy looked up at the sky, with it's big, white light shining placidly down on them, and nodded with understanding. "When will you go to the…Shouting Shack, did you call it?"
"The Shrieking Shack. Probably tomorrow night, after dinner. I don't like to take chances."
They sat down on the roof side by side, their backs against the stone battlement, each lost in their own world of thoughtful silence for a while.
"Did you say you'd gone to Voldemort tonight?" Remus asked, his voice a mix of surprise and concern.
"Yes, he called me during my strategy session with Snape." Her voice cracked a bit and Remus looked over at her. He put a hand on her shoulder.
"Are you okay?" he asked.
"Yes, I'm fine. He kept me there for about three hours. My father wanted me to stay longer but Voldemort sent me back." She was staring at the ground in front of her, and he thought he could feel her trembling ever so slightly.
Remus shifted his body so that he faced her and leaned in to get a good look at her face. "Addy, did Voldemort hurt you?"
"No, not really," she replied in a dead voice, still looking down between her knees.
Remus wanted to ask what "not really" meant, but he was unsure how much he should press her. So he just gave her shoulder a little squeeze and said, "Addy, anytime you want to talk…about anything…you can always come see me." Then he gave her a little nudge and said with a sheepish grin, "Well, not for the next few days, of course, unless you've got a deathwish."
Addy looked up at him with pain and confusion in her eyes. "Don't you want to know what Voldemort asked me? What I told him?"
He shrugged. "Only if you want to talk about it." She continued staring at him apprehensively, so he added, "It's ok…I trust you."
Addy searched his eyes for a sign of doubt or skepticism. When she didn't find any, her lower lip began to quiver. She reached out a hand and placed it on his cheek. "Thank you Remus. You have no idea how much that means to me." With that, the tears overtook her and she started to cry, burying her face in her hands.
"Hey…hey…what's wrong now?" he said, his hand still resting on her shaking shoulders.
"Oh, Remus. Will it ever be over?" she cried, looking up at him with bloodshot eyes under wet lashes, her face streaked with tears. She looked so sad and tired.
"Yes, Addy it will. I believe it will," he said, tenderly wiping away the drops running down her cheeks with the backs of his fingers. "We're getting closer every day."
The sobs once again wracked her body, and she curled up, her arms covering her face and her hands covering her head, as if to shield herself from a terrible blow. Remus realized that she must be beyond exhaustion, and tentatively put a comforting arm around her shoulder. Addy took it as an invitation, and leaned in to him, burying her head against his chest.
He immediately tensed up with the memory of his dream, uneasy with her at such close proximity, in such an obviously vulnerable state. He glanced up nervously at the moon.
But she was so clearly in need of compassion and comfort that he couldn't refuse her. He put his arms around her, cautiously at first. But when he felt her respond he soon relaxed into the rhythm of stroking her hair, saying, "That's it. It's all right. You must be exhausted. It's ok. Everything's going to be ok." He rested his chin on top of her head, pressing her to him and rocking her gently. He was overcome with a great desire to protect her from harm, from all bad feelings, from any kind of pain whatsoever.
Soon, Addy stopped shaking and her sobs died down, first to whimpers and then mere sniffles. But she made no move to separate herself from his embrace. Without looking up, she said in a muffled voice, "I'm sorrry, Remus."
"There's nothing to be sorry about," he replied, gently, still stroking her hair.
"You must be sick of coming to my rescue."
Remus chuckled and whispered, "Addy, I'll let you in on a little secret. No man ever gets sick of that. It makes us feel important." The choked, throaty laugh that came from the figure resting in his arms brought a gratified smile to his face.
He looked down at the top of her head, enchanted by the way her curls swirled in random, chaotic patterns. Her hair sparkled, glistening as it caught the moonlight.
But wait…Remus bent down for a closer inspection, and saw that it wasn't just her hair that was shining—there was something wet in it. To his horror, he suddenly realized that it was blood. He held his hand up to the light and saw that it was stained red.
Scrambling backwards away from her, his eyes wild with terror, he said, "Addy, you're bleeding. I…I didn't do anything!"
Addy looked up at him and touched the back of her neck, feeling the sticky wetness there.
"Remus, it's ok. It's from Voldemort. He scratched me. I tried to seal the wounds but they must have opened up."
She wasn't sure if he'd even heard her. He was looking back and forth frantically from his hand to her face, repeating the words, "I didn't do anything!" She crawled over to him and had to lunge at him, grabbing hold of his ankle, when he tried to back further away from her.
"Remus! Of course you didn't do anything! They're scratches from Voldemort!"
"From Voldemort?" he said, her words finally reaching him.
"Yes…he scratched me when I was at The Compound. He was petting my head and scratched me. I tried to seal them myself but the wounds must have opened up again."
"Voldemort did this?" he said, holding up his blood-stained hand. He no longer seemed panicked, but a look of dark fury was brewing behind his eyes.
"He was talking about Harry and got carried away," she said soothingly. Then she added, with a shrug and an sheepish look, "He likes to pet my head. Don't worry, the wounds aren't nearly as bad as they look."
She had managed to crawl up next to him, the way they'd been before, and took hold of his arm, draping it over her shoulder to show him that she was not afraid of him.
He sighed and gave her an embarrassed look. "I'm sorry I panicked. It's just that I saw the blood and I… I…" his voice trailed off.
"How are things with you, Remus?" she asked, peering at him through narrowed eyes.
"I'm fine, Addy. Fine," he said, sounding noticeably relieved and more like himself again. "It's just that, believe it or not, I really don't care for the sight of blood. Isn't that a joke?" he said, with a tight laugh, trying to lighten the mood.
She leaned her head against him and laced her fingers in the hand that was around her shoulder, sitting quietly for a few minutes. When she sensed that they had both relaxed again, she said, "You know, this friendship things works two ways. You allow me to sit here, bawling like a baby in your arms, and every time I'm about to fall apart you help put me back together again. Yet you won't even return the favor by telling me what's bothering you. That's not very friendly, you know."
He looked away and rubbed the stubble on his jaw. "I've been having nightmares. How do you like that? I'm the stuff of nightmares, but they still get to me."
"Remus, you are NOT the stuff of nightmares."
He looked down at her fondly. "You really should have Poppy look at those scratches, you know," he said, avoiding the point she'd been making. What could he tell her, anyway? That he desperately wanted to kiss her but was afraid he would rip her to shreds? Hardly.
"I can't," she replied, looking up at him. "She'll ask me how I got them, and I can't tell her."
Remus nodded with comprehension. "Well, if you want, I can take a look at them. As you might guess, I've got quite a bit of experience with healing scratches." He smiled sadly.
She studied him carefully for a few moments, and then said, "And here I am, asking you when this will all be over. When will it be over for you, Remus?"
He shrugged and looked away again, staring off into the night sky. "Severus seems to be making good progress on the curative potion. If anyone can do it, he can."
Addy simply said, "Mmmmm."
"It's just that it gets lonely, sometimes. I don't relish the thought of spending another moon in that decrepit old hut. Thank Merlin I've got Sirius to keep me company, but still…it's difficult…it makes it difficult to get close to people."
"Well, we're here now. And I'll be here when you return," she said, giving his hand a little squeeze.
"I'm glad I'll be back in time for the next staff meeting. I'd hate to think I couldn't hold up my end of things," he said with determination in his voice.
"I wish I could visit you in the Shrieking Shack," she sighed, already wondering what she'd do with him gone.
"Don't even think about it, Addy," he replied sternly, wagging a finger in her face. "But thank you," he said, his voice softening, as he tightened his arm around her.
"If there's ever anything I can do…" she said, returning his gaze.
"You've done it, Addy. You're doing it right now.
She smiled at him, her eyelids starting to droop, and then a sudden yawn overcame her. He said, "I've got some dreamless draught in my quarters. Why don't we go take a look at those wounds, and then let's see if we can't get you at least a few hours of sleep before your first day of classes?"
She nodded and they stood up. They walked back down the tower steps and through the hallways to Remus' room. He beckoned her into a chair and gently ran his hands through her hair, inspecting the scratches.
"What's this stuff on them?" he asked.
"That's one of my homemade remedies. Taro root and unicorn hoof."
"Taro root? Never heard of it."
"It's like a potato. It helps draw out toxins. The Muggles use it in India."
"Interesting…" he noted.
He tenderly wiped away the fresh blood and then took out his wand, performing the same "Medicorium" incantation as Addy had earlier. Thanks to his vantage point, though, he was able to seal the wounds more effectively.
"They shouldn't give you anymore trouble, but if they do, we should go see Snape about them. I'd feel better if Poppy looked at them, but I guess that's out of the question. Has Severus seen them yet?"
Addy nodded, avoiding his eyes. "Yes, I showed them to him," she responded truthfully.
"And what did he say?" Remus inquired.
"Nothing," she replied.
Remus frowned, but shrugged it off. Snape must not have thought they were very serious. "Well, now for some dreamless draught for both of us." He rummaged around a cabinet for a few seconds and pulled out two vials of a transparent, cobalt liquid. "I'll walk you back to your room and then you can take this."
"Oh, Remus, that's awfully nice of you, but I can find the way on my own. You probably want to try to get some sleep yourself," Addy said.
"Nonsense. We don't need you running into Peeves all by yourself tonight. I've seen the way he leers at you," he said, with a wink.
Addy smiled and they set off for her room. When they got to her door, she turned to face him, and he handed her the vial.
"I've only been here three days, and already I owe you so much. How can I ever repay you for all you've done for me?"
He smiled warmly at her and started to say, "Is that all it's been? Three days?" when she cut him off by throwing her arms around him and giving him a tight hug. He stopped talking and returned the embrace, burying his face in her hair. It felt so good.
"Good night, Remus," she whispered into his hair, and, placing her right hand softly on the side of his face, she gave him a long kiss on the other cheek.
Then she withdrew, and, with a little wave, disappeared behind her door.
Remus watched the door close, then turned and walked back to his own room.
To be continued…