New chapter. I'm kinda supposed to be updating Smile but I couldn't resist. This probably won't get updated next week. :( Sorry
After that my relationship with Jacob could be described as cotton candy and rainbows. We were almost never apart. We were becoming worse than Kim and Jared. Quite honestly it was pitiful and I was in complete bliss.
There was one problem. I had a secret. I was ruining everything. Our relationship couldn't be cotton candy and rainbows until I told him. I just didn't feel right. He'd told me all his secrets and I was still holding this from him.
Everything was so great lately. More than great. It was absolutely amazing. I was finally happy again. I knew it was time to tell him. But I had no idea when. He deserved to know about Grant. He wasn't keeping any secrets from me. Why should I keep such an important one from him?
"Hello Soleil I'm talking to you," Jacob said waving his hand in my face.
I shook my head to come out of my daydream. "Oh sorry about that," I said.
"You seem distant," he said.
He was right. I'd been in lala land all week. I kept trying to decide when to tell him. I couldn't think of the right moment. Guess I was gonna have to leave it up to fate.
"Ready to go?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said. I got up we went to his car. I didn't say a word on the way home. I gave him a quick kiss then ran into the house and flopped on my bed.
I felt completely horrible. I could tell he was feeling sad. Why wouldn't he? I was basically ignoring him. I obviously didn't mean to do it. But it just kept happening. I need to tell him. I need to tell him soon.
--
"What's wrong?" he asked breaking the silence. I tried to avoid him. I really didn't want to discuss this right now. He waited for my answer. I finally stopped staring at the sand and looked at him. He looked so hurt. At that exact moment I could've killed myself.
Wait. Stop. Do not think that way. Count to ten and calm yourself. Now explain why you've been acting this way. "Look Jacob I'm sorry. It's just that these past few days haven't been the greatest for me."
"Well talk to me. Tell me what's going on," he said looking into my eyes.
I couldn't look at him. It's not that I felt my secret was anything major. It's the way it was making me act. It was not only hurting me but it was hurting him too. I couldn't live that way. "Do you really wanna know what's up?" I asked.
"Yes. Please," he begged.
"Well you know how I have an older brother and younger sister?" I asked quietly. I really didn't want to deal with what was about to happen next.
"Yeah," he answered.
"Well I have another brother. His name's Grant and he's my older twin brother," I said. I didn't say anything more. I was waiting to see if he questioned me. He didn't.
"I remember this like it was yesterday. One day when we were fifteen I went to his room. I was gonna ask him if he wanted to go to the movies. When I opened the door I saw that he had hung himself," I choked out. I was crying now. He squeezed my shoulder a little tighter.
I ran upstairs to see if Grant wanted to see the new Harry Potter movie. "Grant!" I shouted up the stairs. I opened the door to see if he was up there.
"You don't have to say anything more," he said softly.
"When I saw him the first thing I did was scream, I started shaking my head and screaming no. My little sister came running in. She saw him and screamed to. I grabbed her and covered her face. She didn't need to see this. No one did."
"AAHHH!" I screamed. What was going on? Grant was in front of me, but he was hanging from the ceiling. There was something around his neck. Oh no. oh no. "AHHH!" I shouted again. My screams kept coming. I was shouting so much and so loud now. It was hurting my ears, but I didn't care. I thought I was dreaming. Maybe if I scream louder I'll wake up.
Cecilia came running into the room. "What are you yelling about?" she stopped and stared. I quickly covered her face. I held her and squeezed her hoping the images would leave my mind. "Soleil what happened?" she asked freighted. I just held her tighter crying into her hair.
"She was crying asking what happened. I was wondering the same thing. Why in the world did he do this? My parents and brother Cain came next. My mother started screaming and crying uncontrollably. My dad pushed us kids out of the room."
Mom and dad ran into the room with Cain. "What?" my mother asked concerned. She gasped and her eyes widened. "What no?" she said. She was breathing heavily. My father and Cain were both silent. "My baby!" she shouted. I tried to go to him but my father held her back.
My father pushed me and Cecilia out of the room and Cain followed behind us.
"I let go of Cecilia and went back inside. I stared at him. It had to be a nightmare right? I could barely think over the screaming and crying. My dad was on the phone with 911. I was standing directly in front of Grant. I knew there was no point. He was dead."
I let go of her. I needed to see him. This was all a dream right? I went back into the room and my mother was crying hysterically in my father's arms. My father was trying to talk over her with the 911 operator. I went over to Grant. I wanted to touch him, to hug him so badly. I could tell he was dead. He'd been that way for a while.
I stopped for a few moments then started up again.
"The next thing I knew there were police and paramedics all around. They made all of us leave the room. I was in complete shock. I couldn't speak at all. I just stood there and watched it all happen. I watched them take my brother's dead body away."
Everything just started blurring together. Before I knew it the paramedics and police had come and gone. They took Grant with them. My brother's dead body. I kept opening and closing my eyes trying to wake up. This has to be a nightmare. There's no way this happened. It didn't work. This was real life, and he was really gone.
"I don't remember much after that. All I know is that I didn't talk for a month. My sister said I was like a zombie. Every single day I thought about doing the same thing he did," he flinched when I said that.
"I didn't want to live the rest of my life like that. I was miserable. My brother, the person who I was closest to, the person who knew me the best was gone. He was never coming back. I didn't want to live with that pain. I saw him dead. I knew that would be in my mind forever."
"We moved around a month later. Once me moved I finally went back to normal. I couldn't be in that house anymore. The house where he died. After about a year everyone was over it. I was back to living a normal life, but I never got over that. I had to relive that nightmare every single night. Over and over."
"Finally I got into college. Thankfully a college on the other side of the country. I just wanted to get away from things that reminded me of him. That's why I stayed with Kim this summer. My family doesn't understand what its been like for me. They think it's been long enough and I need to move on, but I just can't. That's why I wear this necklace," I said squeezing it.
"He gave it to me, and I keep a picture of us in it. It seems like everyone has forgotten him. I wanna move on and get over his death, but I never wanna forget him. I wanna remember all our memories. Good or bad. I just want him here with me," I said.
I opened the locket and ran my finger over the picture. "See," I said holding it up to Jacob. "That's us when we were fourteen. Don't we look alike?" I asked smiling.
"Yeah," he said.
"He was an amazing person and the perfect brother. He was always there for everyone. He was the quiet shy twin, while I was the loud outgoing one. He always knew what to say, and was absolutely hilarious. He was smarter than me too, always got better grades," I said proudly.
"I bet he was amazing," he said quietly.
"Yeah he really was," I agreed.