Howdy:) Well here you go. I don't have much to say about this chapter. And about the French. I do not speak French so I used this free translator so to people who actually speak French I'm sure it's weird and wrong. If you know the right way could you tell me? I have translations at the bottom.

I sighed. I remembered where I was. I hate hospitals. Well not hospitals themselves but I hate when I'm admitted in one. That blows. I guess I better talk to Jacob. I opened my eyes and smiled at him.

"Mornin' sunshine," he said smiling. He was still sitting with me holding my hand. He didn't look like he'd slept. Had he been up all night with me?

"Hey. Have you been here all night?" I asked.

"Of course," he replied immediately.

"You didn't have to do that," I said softly.

"Doesn't matter. I wanted to be here with you. You had me really scared you know," he said.

"I'm sorry about that. It was all my fault. I'm so stupid. I should've been taking my pills all this time instead of acting like I knew more than the doctor," I babbled quickly.

"Woah woah woah. Pills? For what?" he asked.

"Uhm anxiety pills," I said embarrassed.

"That was stupid. You could've been hurt really bad," he ranted.

"Again I'm sorry. And hey how'd I get here?"

"Ambulance. Paul called," he said annoyed. Paul? Really? I was going to have to remember to thank him for that. Tickets to some kind of sport game would probably be appreciated.

"Jacob why did you stay here last night?" I asked again.

"I told you last night. I'm here. And I wasn't gonna leave you alone in a hospital who knows what would go wrong. I don't think I can ever leave you alone now," he said.

I smiled and pulled him over kissing him. "Thank you."

He smiled and leaned back in his chair.

"You know my dad used to call me sunshine. Every morning he would say 'Goodmorning sunshine'," I said smiling.

"Isn't that normal?" he asked confused.

"I guess it's a pretty common thing. But I think you've forgotten that my names means 'sun'. It was something special for me," I explained.

"That's nice sunshine," he said laughing.

I rolled my eyes. "And then my family always called me Luna at night. They thought it was so clever," I said laughing.

"Soleil Luna Smith. Hah that's cute," he said smiling. That smile gets me every time.

Wait. "Oh my God did they call my parents!" I shouted.

"Uh I think one of the nurses might have," he said.

Fuck. I got the phone and dialed home.

"Hello, Smith Residence. Who's calling?" my mother asked in her cherry voice. God it's like 8 in the morning over there. I missed hearing her accent though.

"Uh hey mom it's Soleil," I said uncomfortably. I heard something fall. "Mom? Mom are you okay?"

"SHAWN!" she yelled. I heard that loud and clear. My mother and yelling just didn't seem normal though. He yelled something back and I heard them both pick up phones.

"Soleil, le bien-aimé vous est bien ? Qu'est-il arrivé?" my mother said. She always started speaking in French when she was worried. [1]

"Mère je suis bien. Mère rappèle le père n'est pas aisé en Français ," I reminded her. Jacob was looking at me like I was crazy. "Yes I speak French," I whispered to him. [2]

"Désolé désolé," she apologized. [3]

"I'm not exactly sure what your mother just said but Soleil are you alright?" he asked.

"Yes yes I'm fine. Everything's okay," I reassured them.

"The doctor said you had another panic attack," my mom said sadly.

"Yes I did mom."

"Have you been taking your medicine?" my dad asked.

"No but I'm going to start again immediately," I said.

"You better. You had us worried sick," he said.

"We don't know what we would've done if something had happened to you too," mom said.

"Look mom don't think that way alright. I'm fine now. You can stop worrying," I said.

"Alright, but the nurse said there was some boy there with you. Care to tell us about that?" he asked slyly.

"Oh dad I better go. The nurse says I can't be on the phone. Bye. Love you," I lied.

"Bye love you," they said in unison. I quickly hung up. I felt bad but I did not need Dad to start that with Jacob in the room. Way to embarrassing.

"Say something in French again," Jacob said.

"Why?" I asked skeptically.

"It's incredibly sexy," he said in a low voice.

"Shut up!" I shouted throwing my pillow at him. He caught it right before it hit his face and smiled. Damn that smile.

"Please," he begged.

I rolled my eyes. "Jacob, vous êtes aimé." [4]

"What does that mean?" he asked.

"I'm not telling," I said and stuck my tongue at him.

--

The hospital released me a few days ago. They wanted me to go to a psychiatrist. They said she could help with the panic attacks. Yeah I knew the drill. This wasn't my first time dealing with this.

"So when did you see a psychiatrist before?" Doctor Brown asked. She was really nice. Very pretty too. I liked her more than my other doctor already.

"Well back when I was 17 and after everything happened with my twin Grant I started acting really weird. At first I was having a lot of panic attacks. If I saw something that reminded me of him I'd freak out immediately. So my parents sent me to see a doctor.

"They gave me pills to control it. But when I started taking the pills I became extremely depressed. I barely left my bedroom. So they gave me antidepressants. That helped somewhat but I didn't think it was enough. Everything I saw reminded me of him.

"So I decided to go to college on the other side of the country. Things got a little bit better being farther away and I made some friends so that was good. But when I went home last summer I started having attacks again because I'd stopped taking my medicine. So this summer I stayed here. I figured if I stayed away from home I didn't have to take my pills anymore."

"Which pills? Both of them?" she asked.

"Yeah, both," I answered.

"And why don't you want to take them?" she asked.

"Well I hated the way my antidepressants made me feel you know. I didn't feel like me anymore. They were completely changing me so I stopped taking them. But I knew my other medicine would make me depressed so I stopped taking them too. I thought since I was so far away from everything that I'd be fine," I explained.

"And were you?" she inquired.

"Yeah, I was really good. I'd told my best friend Kim about Grant. Then I told my boyfriend and I didn't even freak out that bad. I was doing really well," I answered.

"Well what do you think brought this attack on?" she pressed. My breathing started speeding up again. Dammit not again. I'm getting so sick of this.

"Soleil calm down," she said slowly. "Count with me, in.. two.. Three.., out.. two.. three."

My breaths slowed and my temperature went back to normal. "Jacob was supposed to take me out to lunch. He needed to stop and get something from one of his friends," I explained slowly as she nodded her head.

"We were up on this cliff and he told me to wait and that he'd just be a minute. But it was like 10 minutes later and he wasn't back so I went out to get him. And I saw-"

"It's okay. Take it slow," she said.

"I-I saw him standing on the edge and his friends were saying things to him and he jumped off," I said.

"And how did you feel when he did that?" she asked.

"Mad. Terrified. Helpless."

"Why?"

"I felt mad at him because he did something so stupid. I was scared something was going to happen to him and he was hurt. I felt helpless because I was running towards him and wasn't fast enough," I said. This was enough to make me start crying. She handed me a box of Kleenex.

"Why would that bring on your panic attacks? I thought they were caused by Grant," she pressed.

"W-when he jumped I saw Grant there jumping with him. And then when I would close my eyes I saw Grant's lifeless body hanging in his room. And then I started imagining Grant doing that to himself. And I almost thought Jacob was doing the same thing and I couldn't let that happen again. I couldn't let someone else die right in front of me," I cried.

"So you think Grant's death was your fault?" she asked.

I handed her the letter Grant wrote me. "I know he says that I shouldn't blame myself, but what do you expect. In the letter he says that he was sick of me being better than him. He was sick of being in my shadow. He doesn't mention anyone else in the letter. The only reasons he says are because of me.

"My brother. My best friend killed himself and it was all my fault. It was almost as if I killed him with my own two hands," I cried.

She let me cry for a little while. I was glad for that. My last doctor talked a little too much.

"You know what I think this letter proves? I think it shows how much your brother really does love you. He was going to kill himself and he was still thinking about you. He was still worried about hurting your feeling. He was apologizing to you," she said.

"It's not fair. Why does he get to say sorry? I didn't. I never got to say sorry for the things I did to him. All the stupid fights we had. I never got to apologize for any of those. I never got to tell him how sorry I was that I made him feel this way. I never got to tell him how sorry I was for making him do something like that to himself. Why does he get to say sorry after he's already gone?"

[1]Soleil are you okay? What happened?
[2]Mother I'm fine. Remember father isn't fluent in French.
[3]Sorry Sorry
[4]Jacob, you are loved