Th' Lost Letters of Gan'a'f
(Evil Shrubberies, an' Really Bad Eggs)

Howdy,

Eff'n yer not Legolas, put this hyar letter back into its floatin' bottle an' throw it back. Shet mah mouth!

Eff'n it is yo', E'f-Fella, ah's mighty surprised yo' haf gotten mah letter.

Now, doesn't git enny ideas. Jest so yo' know, no, ah do not usually send mah letters by floatin' rum bottles. Howevah, at th' moment, it seemed t'be th' bess idea cornsiderin' ah's stuck on an islan'. Yessuh, them li'l dots of lan' covahed wif bananas? ah's thar, an' ah's surroun'ed by th' Trimenjus Blue Ocean, as enny fool kin plainly see.

It is trimenjus... an' blue. ah thunk as much! Fry mah hide! (Nothin' gits past Gan'a'f th' Grey! Fry mah hide!)

Wal, ah guess it'd be bess if ah tell yo' how ah got out hyar, cornsiderin' ah was walkin' farther inlan' t'find info'mashun on th' Rin' of Power...

ah was walkin' on account o', as yo' already know, ah fell off mah houn'dog. Wal, ah was walkin' along these quite untidy paths when ah met an armah of shrubbery. ah tired shovin' mah staff at them, winkin', an' even did a few tap dancin' steps... Yo' doesn't need t'knows whar ah larned them, dawgone it... heh-heh...

So they were pow'ful quite annoyin', but it'd haf been quite lame eff'n ah had given up on th' quess to stop th' Rin' of Power on account of some shrubbery. This hyar bein' so, ah made mah way through them wif as much dilijunce as ah c'd musser.

This hyar in itse'f was quite a tax. Fo' one t'keep their dignity while walkin' through scratchy, tangly, shrubbery... less jest say it's hard, cuss it all t' tarnation. ah was able t'walk through th' shrubbery until one particularly unruly bush grabbed me by th' foot an' tripped me! ah's positive it did it on purpose!

ah allus knowed shrubberies were evil, ah reckon...

Ennyhow, ah was quite mad as a weasel in a blender at th' shrubbery, an' th' path itse'f – as mad as a weasel in a blender, so ah wrinkled mah nose.

Let it be said, it is not fine t'wrinkle yer nose at sumpin... while yer still on it.

ah have allus wonnered whar thin's hoof it when ah wrinkle mah nose at them, dawgone it. Now ah know, out in th' middle of th' trimenjus blue. Mebbe even a wo'ld away - fum whut ah witnessed next, but wait... ah's gittin' ahaid of mahse'f...

Th' path an' bush disappeared, me along wif it. Wif a pop, fo' it was instantaneous, ah arrived out in th' middle of th' ocean, as enny fool kin plainly see. We hovahed nicely fo' a few moments above th' waves. ah c'd see no lan', not even a bit of floatin' sea ke'p. Surprised, ah jest so't of sat thar until th' path, bein' unable t'float on its, own fell into th' waves. Me along wif it.

To mah surprise th' waves were not cold but lukewarm, eifer thet o' th' freezin' cold temperatures were makin' me lose mah mind, cuss it all t' tarnation. Takin' thet into account ah swam fo' mah dear, Grey life.

As ah swam ah reckanized a great shadow had fallen on over me. Behind me was a great billerin' ship, racin' at me wif th' speed of 10 houn'dogs!

Wif a squeak, ah wiggled mah ears. Th' ship stopped in its tracks, sevahal inches fum mah large nose.

It was not long befo'e a haid peeped on over th' rim of th' ship. He looked down at me in surprised, cuss it all t' tarnation.

ah looked up at him, waved an' shouted, 'Howdy! Fry mah hide! - ah like yer boat!'

Th' pore feller went t'git his cappain, a bizarre (which is quite an unnerstatement) man who c'd use a decent hair cut. Th' cappain's name was Jack Sumpin-Or-Other... he was named af'er a bird though. Which, in mah opinion, is better than bein' named af'er a Tree, Legolas Greenleaf. Ennyhow, Jack an' his crew welcomed me aboard, cuss it all t' tarnation. It was wifin these few moments ah foun' ah was among pirates!

ah have allus been a fine wizard, an' ah did, af'er all, haf a quess to finish. ah told them quite plainly t'drop me off at th' nearess lan' mass an' bid me farefine.

Wal, they dropped me off at a li'l islan' sayin', they too were on a quest. Sumpin about gittin' a silly boat... th' Black Pearl, Black Stone, Black Sumpin-Or-Other... Ennyhow, so ah sat at th' islan' fo' sevahal days.

ah soon reckanized ah was probably better off on th' pirate ship. Eatin' coconuts gits quite bo'in' af'er a spell an' ah had already ett up all mah patootees. Also, eff'n yo' took into account thet ah c'd walk all th' way aroun' th' islan' in unner ten minutes - this hyar was not he'pin' me on mah quest.

Th' next mo'nin' when ah woke up Cappain Jack was thar, along wif a woomin named Elizabeth. ah was mighty surprised an' they said thet they were cast off an' lef' on th' islan' t'starve. Then Jack revealed a hidden sto'age of rum, dawgone it... yessuh, it is wif one of them bottles ah sent this hyar message in, as enny fool kin plainly see.

In mah opinion, fo' yessuh, ah allus haf an opinion... Pirates is not a mighty smart so't of varmints. So't of like a Orc/hoomin crost breed, only they doesn't stink as much. Instead they ett too much, an' fart way too offen. (Yo' doesn't need t'knows whar ah got thet li'l piece of info'mashun, eifer...) Not only this, but they haf this thin' about a pirate song, in which they proceed t'call themselves 'Really Bad Eggs'. Mo'e like 'Really Moldy Wif-Thet-Kind-of-Mold-Thet-Smells-Weird Eggs'! Fry mah hide!

Wal, ah muss be off. Elizabeth is throwin' ev'rythin' into a giant, raggin' bonfire. So ah better send this hyar letter befo'e she gits a hold of it. ah shall write agin, so does not fear. It takes mo'e than a few 'Really Bad Eggs' t'brin' down Gan'a'f th' Grey! Fry mah hide!

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Eff'n yo' doesn't review, I'll sick Gan'a'f's nose on yo'! Fry mah hide!
Either that, or I'll have Jack drool in your lap...

Legolas's Girl 9: Dang right dem righteous!

Legolas Princely Greenleaf: Yo Elf-Boy! Took you long enough to review to your letters... Gandalf's really POed you haven't written him back yet. I'll try to hold him back for you, but I have this think about being burnt to death by Nose...
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