Th' Lost Letters of Gan'a'f
(Th' Smarty Pants of th' Wo'ld: Monkeys)

Yo ho! Fry mah hide!

Yo ho! Fry mah hide!

ah have not deciphard th' meanin' of this hyar phrase, but ah have foun' it useful t'use it in ev'ry other sentence. It's some so't of pirate code talk. Shet mah mouth! Fo' example Jack'd say, "Yo ho! A pirates life fo' me!" Th' latter was mighty obvious, cornsiderin' th' fack, he is, indeed, a pirate. Howevah, this hyar "Yo ho! Fry mah hide!" business is unknown t'me. Not even th' block-haided elves haf sumpin so block-haided in their language.

Ennyhow, ah's back in Middle earth. Along wif mah own pirate ban'. (Yessuh, they came wif their own trumpets.) At th' moment ah's takin' them t'Vertically Gif'ed John-Boy's camp. ah doubt he will mind a few recruits, an' wif their intellyjunce level, th' pirates will fit right in, as enny fool kin plainly see.

Howevah, as much as ah despise Jack, ah's brin'in' him along wif me on mah quest. Durin' th' ress of mah voyager on th' Trimenjus Blue, ah fought cursed min thet turned into mummah like creato's in moonlight, an' he'ped solve a Aztec curse. (Which ah thunk was extremely intellyjunt of me, cornsiderin' ah have nevah heard of an Aztec befo'e.) To mah surprise, ah foun' Jack t'be quite resourceful an' brave. He also has this hyar piratey flare which gives him style. Th' only real downside t'Jack is thet he's nevah heard of a soap bar an' so th' only thin' thet matches his terrible breath is his serious B.O.

While ah's brin'in' him wif me, ah doubt ah shall evah intrydooce him t'other members of Middle Earth. He'd probably git hisse'f killed by insultin' someone. Like Kin' Arthur o' Merlin, ah still haf no idea whar they went off to.

Ennyhow, ah will soon begin mah quess fo' th' Rin', but now ah muss tell yo' of mah meetin' of th' monkey, who is also named Jack. (Hey, ah can talk t'moths, whut makes yo' reckon ah cain't talk t'monkeys?)

ah said, "Howdy, furry one."

Th' monkey replied, "Beardy, th' name's Jack. Monkey Jack."

ah nodded, 'All right then, Monkey Jack, tell me whut is yo' doin' on a pirate's ship?"

Monkey Jack said, "Whuffo' w'dn't ah be on a pirate's ship?"

ah shrugged, 'Wal, pirates usually haf parrots. It's a unyversal trade mark, yo' know."

Monkey Jack gasped as thunk reckonin' on over it fo' th' fust time, "Pirates sh'dn't haf monkeys?"

ah frowned an' stroked mah bard, "I've nevah met a monkey befo'e, so ah c'dn't tell yo'."

Ponnerin' on this hyar a spell, ah continued, "Acshully, I've nevah even met a parrot."

Cappain Jack walked up behind me, he axed, 'Whut's yo' doin', old man?'

ah replied, annoyed, "Yo ho! Whut in tarnation does it look like ah's doin', li'l fella. Yo! ah's talkin' t'th' monkey. Ho!"

Cappain Jack blinked then axed, "Really? Whut's he sayin'?"

Monkey Jack axed, "Whut's wif th' trimenjus hairy hoomin thet needs a decent haircut?"

ah whispered, 'Thet's whut ah w'd like t'know..."

ah said t'Cappain Jack, "Th' monkey says yer quite... er... charmin'... Yo ho..."

Monkey Jack slapped his fo'ehaid, "Mo'e like giant dope..."

Cappain Jack, evah igno'ant t'thet of monkey ways, said, "Tell th' monkey, 'Thank yo'."

ah turned t'Monkey Jack, "Dummah, hyar, agrees wif yo'."

Monkey Jack thunk on over this hyar fo' a spell, "Amazin', usually hoomins ah insult hoof it into denial."

ah thunk on over this hyar a moment, "So't of like an E'f ah know..."

Monkey Jack frowned, "E'f? Isn't them th' li'l dudes thet wawk fo' Santa?"

ah blinked, "Santa?"

We both shook our haids, "Nevah mind, cuss it all t' tarnation..."

Cappain Jack frowned suddenly an' deman'ed, 'Whut in tarnation's its name?"

ah blinked, "Fust of all, it's not an "it". It's a monkey, an' his name is Jack - Monkey Jack."

Cappain Jack screamed, "Mate! Thet's Barbosta's psycho monkey sidekick! Fry mah hide!"

ah tugged mah bard thunkfully, "Yo' doesn't say..."

Cappain Jack grabbed th' monkey an' tried t'throw him on overboard, cuss it all t' tarnation. But Monkey Jack, bein' th' monkey he was, bit Cappain Jack's fingers an' pooped on his pants. Then he scooted off an' disappeared unner a crack in th' flore. Jack is cornviced th' monkey's plottin' our destruckshun, o' sumpin aroun' them lines... ah reckon thet pirate had gotten a li'l mo'e than too much sun, as enny fool kin plainly see...

Sadly, Monkey Jack c'd not come wif me on mah journey. It was nice t'have finally met someone of mah intellyjunce fo' a change, even eff'n was was a psycho monkey. I've allus foun' this hyar so't of odd, cornsiderin' hoomins evolved fum monkeys. Mo'e like devolved, cuss it all t' tarnation...

Wal, E'f-Fella...

ah muss be movin' on, as enny fool kin plainly see. Jack, th' hoomin Jack, is cravin' a 'six pack'. Which ah have larned is mo'e like a few giant gu'ps. Them giant gu'ps thet make yo' burp one of them burps thet tell yo' whut yo've ett up fo' th' past few days. Then th' pirate usually passes out an' starts sno'in' sumpin dreadful, ah reckon. It's inough t'put enny bar man outta business! So, ah muss move on - so he don't double back into town an' grab a 'small six pack.'

Hope yer havin' fun wifout me...

Which is probably impostible, cornsiderin' we wizards is th' Party Animals of Middle Earth.

Gan'a'f th' Grey

P.S. Th' reason th' pirates came wif me t'Middle Earth was t'other nose accident. One moment ah's quite mad as a weasel in a blender at Jack, then hyar we all is back in Middle Earth. ah only hope ah have not harmed Middle Earth by brin'in' these pirates into th' lan's. Oh yessuh, an' Legolas... who is this hyar one called, cuss it all t' tarnation... Santa?

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This hyar Letter was kind of a set up fo' whut happens next – which means yo' varmints is stuck in suspense! Haha! Fry mah hide! I'll tell yo' this hyar much, though. Th' next Letter has t'do wif lumpy haids. (Yo'll nevah guess it! Fry mah hide!)

Emily: Here you go – I'll update it again soon. The next Letter is one of my favorites.

Yellow Peanutbutter Ruler: Glad you like it! Sorry you laughed your arse off – hope you can find it. ;)

anorethunbound: FRY MAH HIDE FUST!
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