{Disclaimer: The Harry Potter World was created by J.K. Rowling and rights and owned by, but not limited to, Scholastic Books and Warner Brothers. I, therefore, own no parts of this save for Andromeda McGee, Wyvern the cat, and a few random Death Eaters.}

[Quick Author's Note Before We Begin: It has been roughly five years between the writing of this chapter and the previous one. I finally got motivated enough to finish the fic, as I kept getting random reviews telling me to do so. My writing style has probably changed a bit, and the characters might be slightly different though I tried hard to keep them as I had created them through Second Chances and the first 20 chapters of Into The Flames. Thanks to those of you who have read and reviewed this story previously and I hope you all enjoy this chapter.]

Chapter 21

Remorse

**It's crazy, I'm thinking, just knowing that the world is round. I'm here. I'm dancing on the ground. Am I right side up or upside down, and is this real, or am I dreaming? "Crush" Dave Matthews Band**

How exactly she ended up seated on Snape's couch in her pajamas, wrapped up in a blanket, and holding a mug of peppermint tea, Andy was not quite certain, but she did at least know that was where she was, and that she was safe there. Everything that had transpired after meeting Voldemort was rather fuzzy, and she was quite content to keep it that way for the time being.

She glanced around the room, noticing the obvious lack of the apartment's owner and wondered briefly where he had gone. Setting her mug on the end table, Andy turned her attention to her left forearm. The tattoo was still there. It obviously was not a bad dream, as she had hoped. She traced the outlines gently with her finger. Ugly, hideous, disgusting; all it did was make her feel sick and nauseous. It was not something that she could wear proudly like so many people generally did with their tattoos. Even covering it up with a bandage or a long sleeved shirt would not hide how the mark made her feel. She felt like a traitor to herself.

Andy picked up her mug again, taking a sip of the calming beverage. As much as she loved peppermint tea, today it tasted like death. She sighed, unsure of what to do, not that there really was much that she could actually do.

It was all over now and there was nothing that she could do to change what had happened. She was officially a Death Eater. Only dying would remove her from the connection with Voldemort and only Voldemort's death would free her from the curse of being marked. All she could do was take things as they happened, act as she did before she was inducted, and live life the best she could without destroying any connections that she had made, both good and evil.

How did a Gryffindor end up as a Death Eater? Peter had turned to the Dark Side. He was weak though. He was attracted to the power. Maybe he was brave in being able to turn away from the people he had once considered friends, only to betray them all. She couldn't see any other way that he could have been in Gryffindor. Ambition was a Slytherin trait.

Andy consoled herself in that she wasn't truly a Death Eater. She was a good person, disguised as Death Eater so she wouldn't be killed before she was ready to leave this world. The mark didn't matter if she could keep her internal loyalties strong while acting like she was a member of the other side. It still meant that she was traitor.

She wished that everything could just be simple for once. All she wanted to do was live the rest of her days in peace, maybe experimenting with her potions, drinking tea, and petting her cat. That sounded downright pleasant right about now. Life was never as easy or as nice as she hoped it was. It seemed like she got the short end of the stick when whatever higher being was giving all the people of the world their lots in life. First there was the memory loss and Azkaban, then losing her best friends, and now becoming a Death Eater. Who knows what would happen next?

It didn't make to sense to her. Why did she get stuck with everything that had happened to her? What did she do to deserve all the bad things? Was it something she did in a previous life or was she just cursed to be miserably unlucky? Either way, Fate had to have some sort of grudge against her. All she had to do was find a way to survive. She was good at surviving. With everything that seemed to just happen, she had more practice with staying alive than any one person should have. This was just one more pothole in the road of life.

Andy stood up, keeping the blanket wrapped around her shoulders. It dragged on the floor as she wandered to the window. The glass was frosted over with the cold. She could barely see the icy lake and the pristine, snow covered grounds, shrouded in the dark, gloom of night, but lit slightly by the partial moon. It looked so peaceful, undisturbed by any human contact. She wished that her life was like that, but realized it would be a whole lot less interesting that way. What she would give to be completely free again. Somewhere behind her, she heard the door to the apartment open and shut.

Severus entered his rooms quietly, thinking that Andy would be sleeping off the night's revelries, but instead found her gazing out the window. He wasn't quite certain what to say to her. She had been through too much in the past evening that it would be difficult to broach conversation without knowing how she was coping. With Andy, he could never know if she was on the verge of an emotional breakdown or if she was going to take things well. He chose to stay silent and returned to his favorite chair to continue reading the tome that he had been working through earlier.

She stayed at the window a few more moments, before starting to pace restlessly around the room, too many tumultuous thoughts racing through her head to allow her to sit still.

"Sit down, McGee. Pacing is not going to help," Severus looked up from his book, glaring at her, and doing well to hide the pity and remorse that he felt. Women were notoriously difficult. He knew that she would start talking eventually. Everything would all come out then. He just had to be patient and wait for her to finally get to where she could at least ramble mindlessly for a bit.

Andy slumped back on the couch, deciding to fidget with the fringe on the blanket instead of wandering aimless around the room. She watched Snape as he returned to reading his book. Obviously, he was much less affected by the entire situation than she was. That did make sense to her, since it was her induction, and he had been a Death Eater for a long time before that night. "I just don't understand it, Sev," she finally said.

"What don't you understand, McGee?" He looked up from his tome once more, but did not close it fully yet.

"This whole mess. It's like if everything could go wrong, it already did. Voldemort, Azkaban, Sirius and Remus disappearing, and now I am a Death Eater. I'm not supposed to be a Death Eater."

Severus closed his book. This was bound to be more interesting than the newest potions book. "Do you really think that anyone is supposed to be a Death Eater?"

Andy furrowed her brow at him, confused by his question. "Well," she started hesitantly, "Yes. There generally has to be at least two sides to a conflict, if not more. So some people really are supposed to be on the bad side and some on the good. But I am not a bad person; I shouldn't be on the bad side."

"The question is, do the people who are Death Eaters actually consider themselves to be 'bad'?"

"Yes?" she answered hopefully.

"No, McGee, you are wrong."

"But they are evil people! They kill people for no reason, and hurt people, and torture people!"

"You are only partially correct; the Death Eaters do many things akin to what you said, but what you are not considering are their motivations behind those actions. Surprisingly, there are actually reasons behind some of the things that they do."

Andy cocked her head to one side like a befuddled puppy, contemplating what he had said. "You mean that the Death Eaters' actions can all be justified by what motivates them? It doesn't really seem like any motivation can justify killing another human being."

"And that is exactly why you were not in Slytherin," he spoke as if it were a bad thing.

"You mean I actually have moral values?" she shot back at him.

"I meant that your Gryffindor chivalry and stupidity get in the way of understanding how the actual world works."

"I will not have you insulting me after last night," Andy's voice turned to deadly steel. She may have disconnected herself from what had occurred, but it was still an open wound in her mind that would need time to heal.

Snape nodded almost imperceptibly. She seemed to have at least accepted that she could not change what had happened, but needed to work through why it had happened and how things would go on from there. That made the situation much easier. "I apologize," he paused before continuing. "Different people are motivated by different things. Some want power, others want prestige or wealth. Many are willing to go at great lengths to get to what they want. The Death Eaters, the ones who actually want to be Death Eaters, are motivated by what Lord Voldemort promises them. Can you understand that?"

Andy took a deep breath. It was starting to make a little more sense. "I think so." She looked at him curiously. "What made you join them?"

"I wanted power," he said simply. "I wanted the greatness that Voldemort promised. It felt like a good decision at the time, though I now regret it and have learned otherwise."

She agreed thoroughly, "I already regret it and it hasn't even been an entire day."

"Your reasons to join them were better than mine. Your life was at stake and you know which side you are actually on."

"I still feel like a traitor."

"That is a feeling that will never go away until this is over."

The pair lapsed into silence. Snape resumed his reading, assuming that the conversation would be over for a bit while Andy mulled over more of the previous night. He was waiting for the torture aspect to surface. At least she didn't have to murder anyone for her induction as many of the Death Eaters had been forced to do.

Andy took another sip of her tea. It no longer tasted like death, but it had gotten cold during her pacing and the conversation. She finished it off, noticing the horrible tattoo on her arm once more as she set the empty mug on the table. She studied it yet again, fully realizing the depths of what she had gone through to get it. Ignoring those thoughts in favor of more tea, she walked mindlessly to the kitchen to make a fresh pot of something decaffeinated, for neither had slept yet. Returning to the sitting room, she handed one mug to Severus and kept one for herself.

"I didn't kill anyone, did I, Sev?" she asked in a small voice. All the details of the revel blurred together to where she was not certain as to what exactly happened beyond the rush of adrenaline that kept her functioning through her task to torture the two men. The outcome and other events were not as clear.

Here we go, he thought to himself. He would not get any more reading done tonight. He shook his head, "No, you did not."

"That's good. At least they have the chance of still being alive," she took a sip of the tea. If she could force herself to be optimistic, maybe things will turn out better than expected. Sadly, being optimistic given the current situation was rather difficult. "Unless Voldemort will kill them any way."

"He might. He might not," Snape shrugged. "It depends on who they were and what purpose they served him."

"Do you know who they were?"

"Lord Voldemort does not share all information with his followers. They could have been anyone."

'They could have been people that I know."

"That is quite possible, though implausible."

"I still feel guilty for what I did to them," Andy stared remorsefully into her cup of tea. There were no answers there.

"If you are human, guilt is quite a normal emotion for what you had to do."

"Yeah….but they probably had family and friends and lives! Now they are locked away in cells, in agony because of me."

"One of them is completely whole. The other simply has many broken bones that are easily repairable and the cuts will heal, especially since they were well cleaned. They are at least better off than if one of the other Death Eaters had been forced to make them talk."

That was most likely true. The actual Death Eaters would have been less considerate about their treatment to the prisoners. At least Andy had the decency to clean the wounds with strong alcohol, no matter that it hurt to all hell in the process. Effective in torture, but almost a hidden sense of caring about what happened to the people even if she did not know who they were.

The room went silent again, as Andy contemplated more of the previous night. "Sirius and Remus would kill me if they knew I was a Death Eater."

"Most likely." Sirius Black and Remus Lupin were not subjects that Snape wanted to discuss. He resumed his reading, hoping to drown out whatever she had to say about his least favorite Gryffindors.

"Well, Sirius would try to kill me at least. Remus might listen,' she trailed off for a moment. "I miss them."

"I don't," Severus replied.

A tear rolled down Andy's cheek as she realized that the ache from losing her best friends was still there and just as strong as it had ever been. It hurt her to think that they might be gone for good, but she refused to accept that as a fact until more evidence was found. Soon, the single tear turned into full, blown out sobs, not only for Sirius and Remus, but for the people she tortured, and what she had to go through only a few hours earlier. She had tried to hold it in the best that she could, to be brave like the Gryffindor that she was, but there was only so much of a façade that she could hold together after having such a short time to mentally digest everything.

Snape watched her cry, waiting to see if she was going to stop the nonsense anytime soon. Deciding that she was set on having an outburst, he pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket and moved to sit next to her on the couch. Gently drying her tears with one corner, he offered the slightly soggy cloth to her. Andy took it gratefully, as she continued to bawl. She scooted closed to him, wanting the warmth of another human being as support. Severus put an awkward arm around her shoulders in comfort, and as she snuggled to his chest, her tears began to slow.

He knew that he shouldn't get this close to her, but seeing her cry after knowing what she had gone through made him feel the need to comfort her. What they had as a working relationship, almost friendly at times, was not something that he wanted to break, especially now that she was a Death Eater too. Close relationships only complicate things more. Part of him wanted to hold her and kiss her again and tell her that it would be alright, but that part was swiftly squashed by the more logical part of his brain.

Andy felt much better after allowing herself to cry and mourn. It was still a dull ache in her heart, but she could deal with what happened. It would take a long time to internalize that she was a Death Eater, but the shock from the revel and the importance of her position as a double agent kept her from emotionally overreacting. She wiped the remaining tears from her face. "Thanks, Sev."

"You are welcome, McGee."

"You can have your handkerchief back now," she offered it to him.

He glanced in slight disgust at the sodden, green square. "Keep it, at least until one of the House Elves cleans it."

She deposited it on the table, next to her tea mug. "May I stay here tonight?"

Severus was mildly confused as to why she would ever want to willingly stay in his rooms. The only times she had done so was when she couldn't remember who she was or when she had been badly injured. "Why would you want to stay with me? You have your own rooms."

Andy looked up at him from her comfortable spot on his chest. "Because I feel safe when I am with you."