Th' Lost Letters of Gan'a'f
(Th' Funky Fellership, In Case thet Stoopid Legolas/Gimli gits Them all Killed)

Dear Legolas,

Durin' mah travels wif Jack, ah have finally come t'th' conclushun of Santa. He is a trimenjus, fat, man wif a bard who runs th' No'th Pole. Eff'n ah knowed whar th' No'th Pole was, perhaps I'd hoof it viset him, dawgone it. Jack suggested we brin' milk an' cookies as an offerin' of finewill an' peace. A fo'midable combinashun.

Also, unfo'tunately ah have also helter-skelter into a few difficulties. Fo' one, now Galadriel is travelin' wif us, though not by her own free will, ah reckon. Let me explain, but fust... Jack is, how sh'd ah put this, he is not mighty ejoocayted, cuss it all t' tarnation. We went through th' Elven fo'ess an' met Galadriel. She an' Jack... er... didn't pow'ful hit it off. It went somewhut like this...

Galadriel said in mild, but joyful surprise (or at least as joyful as she c'd git, cornsiderin' she's an e'f. Elves is all party poopers. Eff'n it wasn't fo' their pointy ears, they'd nevah be cornsidered 'right fine'.) , "Gan'a'f th' Grey, we were told yo' were lost in Mo'ia. ah's so glad yer alive."

ah though fo' a moment, "Oh yessuh, Mo'ia... Thet trimenjus, flamin' thin'. Yeah, it was mighty annoyin'. But, of course, ah's a wizard an' so it was only a mino' tax t'defeat it."

As an af'erthunk ah continued, "'Cept fo' th' part when ah fell down th' pit, thet mighty tangled mah bard, cuss it all t' tarnation... took hours fo' it t'comb out."

Galadriel didn't answer, but instead turned t'Jack, "An' who is..."

Jack smiled at her, "Good-day love, mighty nice tree yo' got hyar. A bit breezy though... Yo' muss haf a terrible time wif loggers."

Galadriel's eyes flashed, she echoed, "Love?"

Jack shrugged, "Eff'n yo' doesn't like thet, love, ah c'd call yo' sweetheart... o' pumpkin! Fry mah hide! ah love pumpkins, especially when they're in pies. Do yo' like pies?"

Galadriel turned t'me, "An' this hyar is...?"

Jack interrupped, "ah knowed a Eunuch once, ah reckon he liked pies... Acshully, ah nevah axed him mahse'f..."

ah told Galadriel, "This hyar is Jack Sparrow..."

Jack interjecked, "Cappain Jack Sparrow!"

ah continued, "Yessuh, this hyar is Cappain Jack Sparrow, one of mah noo travelin' companions."

Galadriel wrinkled her nose, probably on account o' Jack was breathin' in her direckshun, "Indeed? Is he part of the... Fellership?"

ah said prompply in a whisper, "Him? Part of th' Fellership? Fry mah hide! Is yo' gone mad, e'f!"

Jack piped up, "Fellership? Not a Eunuch fellership ah hope..."

ah tried desperately t'explain t'Galadriel befo'e she kicked us out, "He's a pirate, kind of mad as a weasel in a blender pow'ful... I've foun' eff'n yo' tune out whut he says he's acshully a quite pleasant feller..."

Jack went on, "Yo' knows whut, pumpkin? Wait! Wait wait! Howsabout doll? Yo' look so't of like a doll, only one of them ha'f-priced ones whose haids is so't of lumpy..."

ah spoke louder, tryin' t'covah his voice, "Yessuh, he's fine wif th' swo'd an' likes... er... six packs..."

Jack said quickly, "ah like weddin's, too."

ah continued frannically, "Ennyway, he's mo'e like one of them quirky side-kicks... Th' kind thet, yo' know, thet ack a bit quirky... it's th' heat – went t'his haid..."

Jack corntinued, "As ah was sayin', doll, ah reckon... ah had this hyar great plan, see? It involved tooth picks... an' sausage, lotsa sausage..."

ah said, "Um, dawgone it... yeah, he so't of jest started follerin' me aroun'... ah have absolute no idea whar he came fum... Nevah met him in mah intire life...!"

Jack stated, "Yo' kin nevah haf 'nuff sausage..."

ah went on, "So, as yo' kin imagine, ah loathed t'brin' him hyar... but he's a... he's a free spirit, pow'ful... an' so... um, dawgone it..." At this hyar point in time Galadriel began t'acshully start lookin' like a ha'f-priced doll, her face flamed red wif anger. She'd put a tomato t'shame.

Jack corntinued, "So yo' stick th' sausages on th' toothpicks, savvy? An' put them on a platter, not a possum platter, doll, but a sausage platter..."

By this hyar time ah was writin' up mah own funeral.

Jack began t'speak agin so ah wrinkled mah nose outta desperashun. ah was hopin' t'transpo't Jack back t'th' Caribbean – ah had dastd not does so befo'e, on account o', while ah may be a great wizard, mah corntrol on over th' decishuns of mah nose is far fum great.

To mah ho'ro', Galadriel disappeared wif a puff of smoke.

Jack went on, "An' so yo' put th' sausages of th' sausage platter, but yo' poison 'em fust, see? Doll? Doll?... Oh, fine ennyway, so they're poisoned an'..."

ah was in shock, "Oh mah bardy! ah killed Galadriel, th' Lady of th' Wood!"

Jack corntinued, "So when th' bad guys, these Orc fellers, ett th' sausages they start t'foam at th' mouth, like them walruses wif rabbis. An' then, as enny fool kin plainly see..."

A soun' came fum our feet, "Ribbit!" An outraged lookin' frog hopped at our feet.

Jack looked down an' picked it up, "Wal, this hyar is a ha'f-priced frog it ah evah sar one... Good hevvins!" Jack dropped th' frog, while ah thunk, how odd'd it be fo' a frog t'be in th' middle of th' woods in a tree... eff'n postible, mah beard went whiter. Unless th' frog was...

Jack said quite plainly, "Wal, now yo've done it, Gan'a'f! Yo've gone right up an' turned Doll, hyar, into a ho'ny toad, cuss it all t' tarnation."

ah said, "Oopsy."

ah bent down an' told Galadriel, "ah was aimin' fo' th' pirate."

Galadriel said, "Croak!"

ah stood up an' scratched mah haid. Someone'd sartinly notice thet Galadriel had turned into a toad.

Especially her fella-friend, Lo'd Celeborn an' raised.

ah gasped, "Lo'd Celeborn an' raised! He'll kill us eff'n he finds out we turned Galadriel into a toad! Fry mah hide!"

Jack said, annoyed, "We? Hey, yo' got me into this, savvy? An' besides thet, mate, she's a ho'ny toad, cuss it all t' tarnation."

ah paced, makin' sho'nuff not t'step on th' Lady of th' Wood. Eff'n ah used mah nose agin, ah might turn Jack into a toad. ah doubted Galadriel'd care fo' his compenny.

A voice shouted, "Ahh! Wizard Gan'a'f!'

ah gasped, "Lo'd Celebron!"

Jack sighed, "Yo' know, ah's beginnin' t'reckon all elves is Eunuchs... it's th' only explanashun..."

Jack picked up Galadriel an' stuck her in his pocket, "In yo' go, doll, ah reckon. Or sh'd ah call yo' toady, o' mebbe froggy? Hey, whut about Frogger!"

Lo'd Celeborn an' raised seemed t'float up t'us. Jack whispered, "He ain't one of them cursed daid ones, is he?"

ah turned t'him an' whispered, "Silence, yo' insane pirate, keep yer tongue in yer mouth whar it belongs an' mebbe we shall keep our haids."

As an af'erthunk ah added wif cornvickshun, "Yo ho! Fry mah hide!"

Celebron said, "Gan'a'f, ah's so glad t'see yo' in fine health. We were told yo' had fallen in Mo'ia."

ah echoed, "Fallen? Wal, mo'e o' less aroun' them lines."

Celebron looked aroun', "But whar is th' Lady Galadriel? Was she not hyar t'greet yo'?"

Jack said, "Yessuh, charmin' e'f pow'ful... She so't of went..."

ah bust out, "She went away!"

Celebron blinked at mah out bust, "Away?"

ah confirmed, "Away... hey, yo' knows whut! We need t'be gittin' away, also! It was so nice t'see yo' agin, but yo' know... kin't spare one second! Got t'destroy thet Evil Rin' of Power! Goo'bye!"

ah dragged Jack along wif me, an' we exited th' fo'ess as fast as we c'd. Jack reminded me, "Mate, this hyar Galadriel Lady's still in mah pocket..."

ah said, "ah know! Fry mah hide!"

Jack went on, "An' she's still a toad..."

ah said, "Fry mah hide! ah know!"

An' thet is how th' Lady of th' Ho'ny Toads joined us on our quess to he'p destroy th' Rin' of Power.

Gan'a'f th' Wo'ried, Grey

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Oh come on, ah knows yo' all wanted t'see Galadriel git turned into a toad!
This hyar was about the dawgoned-est hilarious Letter ah reckon I've writ yet... ah jest kin't wait fo' yo' guys t'meet th' Frenchguy whose acshully Spanish... (Oh course ah's not a-gonna tell yo' who he is!)

Teha: Haha! I'm glad you like! Hope you don't get into too much trouble in the library.

Mystic Archer Horse: I hope these live up to your expectations:)
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