Chapter 4

BPOV

I did not want to miss one second of Ireland. We spent several days within sight of it on our way up to Dublin. As soon as land was sighted, I spent as much time as I could outside, just looking at the amazing landscape. We were required to go to more practices now and Edward and I continued practicing. But while we were alone, he fidgeted and was uncomfortable until we were through. I wondered again if we could ever be the same as we were before.

I spent a lot of time with Jacob and Alice. But the nights right before dinner I reserved for the deck. Most of my friends didn't share my love of the fresh air of outside. So I got to be alone almost every night. I still helped Angela every few days. And now I would have the Irish performers to talk to. They would be coming back to America with us, so I could talk to them the whole way back.

Edward kept pushing me and Jacob together which should have been hard since he also avoided both of us as much as possible. It wasn't hard to understand what he was doing. He felt guilty for not returning my feelings and wanted to push me off on Jacob so I wouldn't have those feelings for him anymore.

It was rare that Edward ever relaxed. He worked until he collapsed. However, the Tuesday before we got to Dublin, I found him lounging next to the pool. I decided that now might be a good time to try to be friends again.

"Edward! You interested in a game of air hockey? Alice, Jacob and I are playing today."

"No thanks. I'm just going to lay here and soak up some sun."

"Okay." I bit my lip, wanting to make everything between us okay, but doubting it would happen with one sentence. "I wish we could hang out more. I know things are different now, but I miss you."

"I'll hang out later, I promise." With that, all I could do was leave him to himself, knowing good and well he wasn't joining us later.

EPOV

I knew I was hurting myself and Bella. But I had to stay away from her. I knew I had to. I couldn't risk getting hurt again. And I didn't want to hurt her more. Every single girl I'd dated broke up with me after they knew about the DayStar Children's Center. They were looking for marriage and didn't want to have only part of my attention. They were enthralled by my job on Dream but nothing more.

And Lauren was just an example. She thought I was rich and as soon as she knew about the DS she would leave me alone. She was a distraction and gave me an excuse to push Bella away. Lauren was fun and I knew there would be no chance of me getting serious about her. So later, once Bella was over her little crush, I could show Lauren the DayStar and she'd leave me, neither one of us really hurting.

I ignored how selfish I was being. As considerate as I usually was, and as much as it was hurting me to hurt Bella, I didn't acknowledge my selfishness. I knew that Bella would end up getting more hurt later on when she was pushed aside for the DS. That Jacob was better for Bella because he didn't have things to take his attention from her.

I would feel better when Bella and Jacob were together. Forget that Jacob always avoided discussions about deep things and that he seemed a little preoccupied with appearances. And that he wasn't really good enough for Bella at all. He didn't seem to care about the same things she did. I'd take care of that when Bella was over me. I just couldn't bring myself to hang out with Jacob much. Not with Bella around. Maybe I just hadn't gotten to know him well enough to see how great a guy he really was. And I really didn't want to.

BPOV

When I got to the game room, Jacob was there but Alice hadn't got there yet.

"Guess Alice is going to be late. Ready to play?"

"Why didn't you tell me your birthday is Thursday?" His blunt question threw me off.

"Jacob, I don't tell anyone. I prefer to keep it a secret as far as I am concerned."

"Do you really not like attention? Or is that just an act? You do get on stage. And you are the female lead singer in most performances so I've been told." Was he being serious, or was he just kidding around?

"See, I love to sing. At least on stage the lights keep me from seeing the faces of the audience, and it doesn't feel like that much attention. If there was a way to do it without getting attention, I would. But it is hard not to get noticed, even when you're not right out in front on stage. Just ask Edward and Alice. I prefer the back. Edward put me up front."

"That's right, Jacob. It took a whole school year to convince her to take the lead part. The only reason she is dancing is because it is part of the requirement," Alice came in then.

"Why?" asked Jacob.

"Maybe later. Let's play." All this talking about me was becoming more uncomfortable. Air hockey is my favorite game. I'm not exactly the best at it, or any other game that takes physical skill. But I love it. I can occasionally win against toddlers, but they even beat me sometimes.

After the game, Jacob walked me to my cabin. I hoped he'd forgotten all about the whole I-don't-bring-up-my-birthday-because-I'd-rather-not-have-to-deal-with-it thing. But no, he asked me once again why I avoided attention.

"Jake, can't you just leave it alone? Just accept that I don't like attention and leave it at that?"

"Nope. Because it just doesn't seem like it's just about the whole 'so clumsy almost disabled' thing. It seems like there's more to it than that."

"Okay, fine, argh! Now, remember, you asked. This is not a pity request. Alright. I just don't think I deserve the attention. I am very uncomfortable with lots of people acknowledging my presence. I am completely ordinary in every way and don't see any reason for any attention. There, satisfied?"

"But you do so much. Even when you think no one is watching. I was in the security camera room the other day and you were picking up trash in the first class deck." I blushed at this, and opened my mouth to say something, but he continued right over me. "And all the maids gush about how well you treat them. Not so demanding as some other performers. It makes the rest of us feel guilty to hear them. You do so much for so many. You are an amazing person."

By then we had reached my stateroom. I had turned my back to my door to say goodnight. My face was still hot with the blush brought on by his words. Jacob put one arm on the wall behind my head and before I could think he leaned in and kissed me.

I was caught off-guard. I didn't know he liked me that much. Sure, Alice had tried to tell me, but I didn't know him that well. Certainly not well enough to know if I wanted to kiss him. I scrambled to get my hand on the doorknob. I found it, pulled back from him as much as I could, said goodnight, and closed the door behind me. I leaned on the door until I heard Jacob walk away. I had no idea what to do.

I knew as many facts about Jacob as I knew about Edward. But I felt like I knew Edward and didn't know Jacob. I guess you don't need to know facts about the past to know someone. Jacob was a really nice guy. But I loved Edward, right?

My situation reminded me about how I thought about guys when I was younger. My interest would move to the guy that seemed to show the most interest in me. It was rare that I would genuinely like a guy. They were always overshadowed by the other guy. Of course, I never really ended up with either guy, so my roaming feelings never hurt anyone.

So now I had to decide. I was almost 21, and it was time to grow up, especially when it came to my thinking about guys. I didn't have a chance at all with Edward. Was I stupid to hold on to hope with him and possibly miss something great with someone else? Or if I went with Jacob, would it just be because he kissed me? My very first kiss, at that? I had told him that I didn't have a lot of experience kissing because I preferred to actually be in a relationship before that step. Since I had never actually been in a relationship, I had never been kissed before. I'd told him all that, but maybe he forgot?

I went to bed with those questions and woke up to the sound of waves on the shore of Dublin. I hadn't set my alarm, but my clock said 5:00 am. The sun was just rising above the ocean horizon. I got dressed quickly and went out on deck, my worries temporarily forgotten.

There were a few early birds up and walking around. Although we weren't quite to the dock, the noises of Dublin drifted on the wind. I breathed in the salty air and softly sang to myself. No matter what was going on in my life, nature was still amazing and awesome. I knew that things would work eventually, but the questions I had were growing from whispers to shouts.

The questions weren't just about Edward and Jacob. They barely touched the shouted questions about my future. Where was the place set aside for me? So many different desires crowded my heart and I couldn't see how they went together. How I fit all the pieces together and what would the puzzle look like?

I stood on deck for the next hour and a half, watching as Dublin's port came closer. Sometimes crowds of people came up to the deck. They stayed a few moments and were replaced by others. At one point, Anderson, one of the Irish performers, joined me.

"I haven't been home in three years," he whispered softly. "Irish culture is so popular now that we are constantly booked. We jumped at the chance to get this booking. Fortunately, Lachlan had worked with Edward before."

"Lachlan knows Edward?"

"Yeah, they're friends. Lachlan helps sometimes at the DayStar Children's Center in Florida. Edward has him there all the time"

I was a bit thrown off. Here was a chance for me to find out something new about Edward's personal life. I had no idea why the DayStar was kept a secret, but there had to be some reason Edward didn't tell me about it. I loved children's center programs. They touched my heart deeply and in a way that I didn't really understand. And Edward worked at one. But I held in my questions and Anderson and I just watched the docking process silently.

I was too excited to eat breakfast. I tried to avoid going, but all staff were required to be at meals and someone would notice me missing. They always knew. I couldn't find Edward or Alice, but Jacob found me so I sat with him and some of the crew. I wanted to avoid him and the subject of the kiss, but I didn't really want to sit alone either.

The crewmembers rarely sat with the rest of the staff, and I discovered that we weren't missing much. They were mostly old men and acted very mature and dignified.

"No wonder you always hang out with us. Those officers are so still and don't seem able or willing to have fun," I said after they'd left.

"They just have a different kind of fun. Very different. Are you finished?"

"Yeah, I'm just going back to my room to get ready for Dublin."

"I'll walk you." I still wasn't ready to discuss the kiss, but Jacob insisted on walking me to my room. I was nervous, but he didn't mention it at all and Alice was waiting for me at my room.

"Thanks for delaying her Jacob." I looked at Alice and then looked at Jacob.

"What?" He said, smiling. Then he walked away.

"Go get your stuff. All you need is your already-packed-by-me backpack. Here you are, now off we go." Alice handed me my pack, linked arms with me, and steered me to top deck.

"Alice, what's going on? Do I have any money in here? Where are we going? Is there money that I can spend in Dublin?" She didn't stop or answer me until we got to the top of the lowered gangway.

"Alright Bella. You are getting an all-expenses-paid dream vacation in County Dublin, Ireland. We have taken care of all the planning. However, because we know you, the whole first part of the first day, and any other time you wish, will be for you alone.

"Here's an information guide and a map. Here is a cell phone with all the numbers you may need already programmed in." Alice pointed to a point circled in red.

"Meet me here at three o'clock. If you want one of us sooner, you can call. Enjoy it. We have the rest of your time all planned out. And don't worry about spoiling anything. You won't be able to do anything we have planned by yourself. Or at least you won't do it. See you at three if not sooner."

She pushed me onto the gangway and I followed orders. I found a bench to sit on and figured out what I was going to do next. I almost cried because of my friends. I never knew that I was so loved. Alice knew me too well. I was looking forward to Ireland, but was trying to figure out how to be alone sometime. And she took care of it.

I wondered around downtown Dublin, but I couldn't enjoy it. Something had been nagging be since Jacob kissed me. It had just been the night before. We hadn't talked about it. I didn't want to talk about it. I hoped that Jacob would never bring it up or try to kiss me again. Because I didn't enjoy it.

I knew I had told Jacob that I didn't want to kiss anyone until I was in a relationship. I knew it. He knew my plans and kissed me anyway. I figured that was why he'd looked sheepish and hadn't brought it up. Walking me to my room from breakfast he hadn't spoken much and seemed to be waiting for me to speak.

I sat there a few minutes longer, rethinking things I'd already realized. In the two weeks I had known Jacob, I had learned more about him than I knew about Edward. But as I realized earlier, they were only superficial facts. The superficial things that only seem important when they fit together to form a whole.

I knew almost no facts about Edward, but I felt that I knew the whole, regardless of the information about the DayStar Children's Center I had just learned. I realized that if I wasn't already in love with Edward, I was very close. And that wouldn't be easy to change. I could never make myself love Jacob. I somehow knew that we were too different and that we were headed in two different directions.

I loved Dream, but it wasn't what I wanted to do forever. Dream was a temporary job. Dream was Jacob's career. At most it would end up being a seasonal thing and a long distant relationship for the rest of the year. That is, after this one year was over. It wouldn't be fair to either of us.

Before I knew it, I had wasted four hours sitting on a bench. I found a food stand and bought something for lunch. I sat on the ground next to a semi-secluded pond and ate.

As I was finishing, I felt someone looking at me. I looked up and Edward was staring at me from across the pond. I tried to wave him over, but he shook his head no and faded into a crowd of passers-by.

"Darn you Edward. Why won't you let me love you?"

"Talking to someone?" I looked up to see Jacob standing over me. I started and blushed, hoping he hadn't heard my muttering.

"No, just myself." I hoped that the disappointment I felt didn't show up on my face.

"Do you mind if I join you?" I moved over to leave room for him to sit down. "Isn't Dublin beautiful?" I nodded, afraid to speak. Afraid that I would blurt out something that would hurt him. I didn't want to hurt him. I needed to get to know him better. See what was deeper inside. Really see if what I felt was true. Maybe all this stuff I felt was because my feelings for Edward were keeping me from something just as great, if not greater than, whatever I could have had with Edward.

"God must love the color green," he said. "Ireland is so green and beautiful. In London we didn't get to see much natural beauty. It was all architecture and manmade beauty. I like to sit outside on the deck and drink in the stars."

I was caught off guard by this. It was as if he'd read my mind my need to know a piece of his heart.

Just as he was about to say something else, the cell phone rang.

"Hello?…Yeah, its okay…..I was just finished lunch and was about to call you to meet up…..Okay…..See you there in five minutes. Bye. C'mon. We're gonna meet up with Alice." Jacob looked disappointed, but I was relieved. I'd never been kissed before and didn't know how to act. I knew that if we sat there talking in that imposed intimacy it would lead to talking about the kiss. The forced intimacy would lead deeper than I was ready to go only having known him a week. I had no idea how a relationship worked, the natural progression from acquaintances to dating. I still wasn't ready to talk about it.

We were walking to the fountain to meet Alice when I spotted Edward and Lauren. They were sitting on a bench set back under an arbor, almost hidden. I saw them, and turned quickly away.

But not before I saw them kiss.

My heart broke into a million pieces and I almost started crying right then. By the time I got to Alice, I couldn't even enjoy the Riverdance show that Alice had planned. I couldn't even eat the Irish meal they ordered for me.

"Bella, are you okay?" Jacob asked.

"Actually, Jacob, I'm feeling pretty sick. It happens the first day in a new port. Alice, can we just go back to my room? Sorry Jacob."

"It's okay. I have plans for you later." I squeezed my eyes shut to keep from crying again. I said goodnight and got up, taking for granted that Alice followed me.

I walked straight to my room and closed the door. I barely waited for it to close behind Alice before I burst out crying the tears I'd been holding back. It really was rare that I cried very much. I usually let a few tears escape and then sucked it up. But it was hours before I could breathe without sobbing.

"Now, Bells, tell me what's wrong."

"I saw Edward kissing Lauren," I said around stuttering sobs. And there was nothing left to be said.