Disclaimer: All Twilight characters belong to Stephenie Meyer.

Chapter 5

EPOV

I never should have let Lauren kiss me. Sure, she was beautiful and attractive and wouldn't leave me alone. But I was upset about Bella and very vulnerable. I almost went over to her when I saw her across the pond. But then Jacob had come up behind her.

I just so happened to have run into Lauren after that and she'd grabbed my hand and walked with me. Pulled me along with her was more like it. And then she pulled me down on that bench almost hidden from the road. She hadn't said anything, just kissed me.

I felt guilty because I thought that maybe I'd kissed her back a little. But I did stop it quickly. Just in time to see the back of Bella's head as she walked past. And my heart twisted inside me because she was with Jacob. Even though I had plans to push them together, it still dropped my heart a few levels when I saw them walking together so close.

What should I do? Now I had the complications of Lauren. After the kiss, she'd told me that she was thinking about extending her seasonal commitment to a full year or longer. And she made sure to make it sound as if she expected it to depend on me.

I guess I did have fun with Lauren. And then a thought struck me. I knew that Bella had seen me in the other port walking with Lauren. And I knew deep down that Bella had seen the kiss. If I were to be dating Lauren, or anyone else, then Bella would move on to Jacob or anyone else. In the meantime I'd have Lauren as a reason to move on and maybe even forget about Bella.

I felt my heart hardened a little as I smiled down at Lauren and scooted a little closer to her. I didn't remember later what I said to her, but Lauren was smiling very big as she kissed me goodnight and skipped off to bed.

BPOV

"Alice, I don't know that I can do this. I can't stay here a year with them. Him, not with Lauren! No, she's, she's, she's."

"She's not nearly as good as you. I don't know what has gotten into Edward. He told me he didn't like her at all. And I know he's tried to avoid her since she started in on him. I honestly don't know what's gotten into him. She is manipulative and a skank whore. She doesn't care about anyone but herself at all."

It really ruined my birthday. I didn't see Edward at all, and I learned that he and Lauren stayed on board all day. That night, Jacob surprised me with flowers. Alice had laid out the lounge dress that I hadn't yet worn. I dressed automatically. I wasn't even looking forward to more time in Ireland. Fortunately, outside, I was able to pretend as though nothing was wrong. And I don't think Jacob even noticed.

The restaurant was beautiful. The flowers were nice too. Jacob was dressed very formally. He looked so mature and handsome in his dress pants and button up shirt. I couldn't blame him for not being Edward. But I had to try really hard to remember that it wasn't his fault. I think I really pulled it off. He continued with his planned evening and speeches.

"Bella, you are a great girl. I have to admit that I have watched you on purpose on the security cameras. Not too often, but one of my friends works in security and I have visited him a couple of times. Don't worry, I wasn't spying. But when I saw you on camera, I watched a little bit." This creeped me out a little, but also flattered me. I'd never been stalked before. It was almost sweet, in a weird way, I guess.

"You are beautiful. Not only on the outside, but your personality is like no one I have ever met. I am usually very selfish, but you challenge me to think about others. And I would love it if we could get to know each other better and try dating." I sighed. He was a nice guy. And I guess I didn't know enough about him to know for sure whether it would work out or not.

"Jacob, I think you are a great guy too. And I think that I would like to get to know you better. However, there are a few boundaries that we need to establish." I also needed to remind him of a few things that he seemed to have forgotten.

"Can't those things wait? I would like to enjoy this evening with you."

"It won't take long, unless we have to discuss things. And I think we should set them now."

"Okay, shoot. I guess we have the whole night for being romantic."

"First thing: I do not want to kiss until I have been in a relationship for a while. It is nothing personal. I decided that a long time ago. I want a relationship based on more than just the physical side. Second: I want to get to know the real you. Not just the very charming man that I have been hanging out with. Third: I won't date anyone I won't marry, and I don't want you to either. Not that I'm expecting to marry you, but I want you to understand that if I see major differences I will break it off. And I want you to do the same." Gosh, was I trying to scare the guy off? Talking about marriage on our first date? Maybe.

"I don't want you to change for me. Please be you. I want to be comfortable with you if we date. Also, one more thing. I have never dated anyone before. I don't really know what to do. You'll have to show me. And since I have killed the mood and while it is dead, is there anything you want to tell me? Any boundaries you want to set?" He looked at me a few beats, smiled slightly, then took my hand. I just knew that I had scared him off. I even kind of hoped that he would be freaked out by me being so up front at the very beginning.

"I just want to say that I will respect those boundaries and any others that you think should be set. I will not do anything to hurt you and I will try to be myself. Though I will have to get comfortable with you first. I understand that you want to take things slowly. And I will do everything I can to teach you how to be in a relationship." He kissed my hand and looked up at me, wicked glint in his eyes after that last sentence.

And it had begun. I found out from Alice that Lauren and Edward were together now. It was confirmed Saturday morning in practice. Most of us were rusty from the three day break from practice. But not Lauren.

She looked great. We tended not to dress up for practice because no one looked glamorous. Lauren dressed up today, though. She had her hair fixed and makeup on and a new warm-up outfit. It was barely an outfit. It was tight and parts of it were made of sheer material. The look was topped by a very big smile. She hung around Edward and made sure to be on the front row for warm-up.

Fortunately for me Mike was better and could sing his parts. I was waiting for the time when I would be replaced as female lead. Surely after all that had happened, Edward wouldn't keep me as the lead. Surely his new girlfriend would be promoted. Lauren was upset that she didn't get it in the first place, but the fact was that she couldn't sing at all. Maybe Edward would remember that. He'd definitely forgotten me.

Fortunately, I was cast as the female lead in the new program as well. Lauren wasn't happy again, but she tried not to show it. I settled into a routine with Jacob and Alice. Edward hung out with Lauren's friends and I only saw him at practices now.

Alice had only signed up for the summer. She was going back to college in August and was looking forward to seeing her boyfriend Jasper Whitlock. I hadn't thought about what would happen when she left if Edward didn't care for me. And now, I was dating Jacob. We had spent very little time so far alone together. Which was actually kind of perfect. I could ignore the fact that he wasn't Edward. That I was supposedly dating a man I knew very little about and who was not the one I really wanted to be with.

Jacob was busy with the crew and I was busy learning the new show. But it wouldn't last long. Things would soon calm down and our schedules would work themselves out. I would be lonely without Alice there and would have to hang out with Jacob alone now. That thought was semi-depressing. And we would have been dating for two months by then. I hoped that we would be better friends by then, at least.

The night before Alice left, Jacob got me alone for a few hours. I had to let him because it was our anniversary. I couldn't believe he'd remembered. I had to stop being so mean to him. He had proven to be a sweet and considerate person. He respected every boundary I set. While I saw no evidence of his interests apart from navigation, I knew from past experience that what matters is the state of the heart, not the outward signs. The little things that still weren't right could change over time.

Later, I collapsed on my couch next to Alice.

"Alice, I don't know. He's nice and everything, but just as a friend. And my heart is numb. It's like I turned off everything I am passionate about to fit in with him. He doesn't read. He seems bored when I talk about my writing. All he talks about is navigation and England. And how much he has grown since knowing me. And how much I have taught him and changed him and him, him, him." Oh yeah, and other surface things about me.

"Oh, today he talked about how beautiful I am and how good I look dancing now and how much I've grown as a dancer."

"Those are good things."

"But if he's not talking about him, he's concentrating on the shallow things about me. It's sweet, but he hasn't listened to me at all. He doesn't care about the real me. There is more to him, I know. Alice, I don't know if I can do this."

"Then don't. Break up with him."

"But if I do, I'll have no one left. Edward ignores me unless he's telling me what to do in practice. You're leaving tomorrow. I can't be alone. This wasn't supposed to be this way."

"I know. But you do have other friends on the Inspiration. I can't figure Edward out. He won't even talk to me about it. I promised you that we'd be friends after him. I promised not to let him come between us. Because you are my best friend in the world. He's just my brother. Jacob isn't the only friend you have left."

"But there's no one close like you and Edward. In a couple more months, I will have three months off. Listen to me. I want to spend your last night having fun. Not moping about a guy I love and one I don't."

And it was a fun night. And I didn't cry when Jacob and I said goodbye to Alice the next day. Edward stood on an upper deck and waved goodbye to her. He'd said bye to her at breakfast. The next two and a half months weren't too bad. As far as I knew Jacob never suspected that I didn't really want to date him. It became a comfortable thing. It was easy to laugh with him about his interests and see how important they were to him. It also fit into my observations about love.

I was pulled into Jacob's world of crew members. And I was bored out of my mind. Now, don't get me wrong. You are probably wondering why, with all of my ideas of love and my knowledge about my feelings towards Jacob, I continued to date him. I'm not so dense as to only date so that I wouldn't be alone. At the time, I wasn't so aware of the depth of my feelings.

As far as I knew, it was just the comparison between Jacob and Edward that left me cold. I was determined then to get to know Jacob for him and not compared to Edward. With Alice there, it was easy to continue to hold on to the comparison. But once Alice was gone, and Edward was gone, I had to get to know Jacob. And he was a nice guy. Very stable and intelligent. And he didn't keep secrets, I knew all about his past and what he wanted for his future.

So we were friends, I guess. He was the closest friend I had at the time since Alice was at college or at home.

Angela still needed our talks. I still had practices, and was still the female lead in the shows. And we were constantly learning new shows. We always had to have themed shows to go along with the special performers for each port of call.

Edward's birthday was in October and I sent him a copy of a book that he'd been looking for for many years. I'd found it in one of the ports we stopped in and saved it for his birthday. I sent it to him anonymously and he didn't send a reply. I hoped he would know it was me but then I also hoped he wouldn't. Would he accept it from me?

I got more anxious as the end of the season came closer. Jacob had helped me figure out my driving plans. A perk of dating a navigator. I would be able to get to go to all the places I really wanted to see. Museums and historical and literary landmarks. I would get to visit a few of my friends that had already graduated from college and in December there were more friends that I would get to see during the break. I would also see my parents, although it took some rearranging. And I would spend the last two weeks in Chicago with Alice.

There was also the big ball at the end of the season. The Holiday cruise was for Dream employees only and rotated ships every year. It was a weeklong cruise and it was very relaxing. This year it was on the Dream Inspiration so we would have to clean the ship and help with the cruise. But most of the cruise would be taken care of by the company managers and guest staff so we could relax and have fun.

The very last night of the cruise there was a big Holiday Ball. It was extremely formal. All the women rented or bought ball gowns and the men wore tuxedos. I missed Alice and her fashion sense. This was her area, not mine. In spite of everything that had happened, I hoped that I could get at least one dance with Edward.

It was my first Holiday Cruise because I was always at school. Tyler, the CD, wanted us to perform two nights so that he could show off. But the rest of the week there was a guest band to let everyone dance. I wasn't as busy as before, but Jacob was just as busy. He was required to be on his best professional behavior and had to work twelve hours a day. That left very little time for us. And when we were together, he was grouchy and very flirty. He kept trying to be physical and wouldn't leave me alone.

"Jacob, if you try to kiss me one more time, then you can go to the Ball by yourself."

"Oh, I may not be going with you, but I promise I won't go by myself." He boasted.

"What? Goodnight, Jacob. I don't think you are at your best. Call me tomorrow if you're okay then." I thought that he might be drunk. And I had no idea why he was drunk. I didn't know he drank. And then there was his comment about not going alone. We were sitting outside by the pool and I got up and walked back to my room.

He didn't follow me, but as I had hoped, he called me the next day and apologized.

"I'm really sorry, Bella. I've just been really stressed and I have been missing you so much. The captain has been razing us about being perfect. Corporate decided to review us this week. I just need some time to just be with you." I felt very guilty. Maybe he hadn't been drunk. Jacob should be with someone who noticed when he was stressing out. Someone who cared about him as more than just a friend. He hadn't made the same decision about kissing as I had, and he deserved to be with someone who was more like him. But, maybe I could be more of what he needed, since he seemed to want me.

"I know, baby. It's okay. Tell you what; everything will be okay after the cruise. How bout I cut out two weeks on my trip and spend some time with you in Florida?"

"Really? Okay, but I have a better idea. How about I join you for a couple of weeks?"

"Sounds good. We'll set the day later. Now, what are you doing today?"

"Spending it with my girlfriend." I had made a decision to give him another chance. Dream wasn't the best place to get to know someone if you didn't work in the same department. Different schedules and requirements made it hard to spend time together. And so I spent that whole day with him. He actually got the day off. I actually had a good time.

Friday came soon after that. The Holiday Ball combined three holidays. The food was Thanksgiving, the decorations were Christmas, and at midnight there was a New Year's Eve party. It was extremely formal and it was fun to see every one dressed up, though I hated to dress up myself.

I had rented a beautiful green ball gown and had bought some green jewelry in Ireland to go with it. Alice had approved of it when I sent her the pictures over e-mail. I had been letting my hair grow out and my friend Angela fixed it. Another friend of mine that worked as a make-up artist in Hollywood in the off-season fixed my make-up. The whole point was not to look like you. You could be anyone you wanted to be. And I wanted to be the perfect girl for Jacob.

He was a good friend and a good person. He may talk about himself a lot, but he did a lot more for other people. Although I knew I wasn't the one for him, I wanted to be because he deserved it.

"Wow, Bella. I'm speechless. You take my breath away." I blushed, pleased with his reaction.

But I couldn't stop a wish that it was Edward standing at my door to pick me up. And later when we were dancing, my eyes closed themselves and I saw Edward instead of Jacob.

After two dances, I had to sit down. An old knee injury was making me regret the heels I had borrowed.

"Jacob, I'm really sorry, but I have to sit down."

"Poor baby, is it your knee? C'mon. We'll sit down over here." He didn't stay seated very long. One of the girls from security asked him to dance.

"Go on, no sense in you sitting down when I'm the one hurt."

"Okay, just one dance."

One hour later, I was still waiting for him to come back from his "one dance." I didn't know whether I was more or less relieved that I saw him dance with more than just that one girl. I occasionally glimpsed Lauren and Edward. It seemed they danced every dance together. She was not going to let any other girl dance with him.

I lost sight of them for a moment and then the thing I'd been wishing for happened. Edward sat down beside me at my table. God he looked good, but not quite like himself. Bronze hair gelled into straight spikes that were so different from his normal messy behead. His tux was definitely tailored. I wondered if his new appearance had something to do with Lauren. Maybe we both were trying to be people we weren't.

"How are you?" I asked.

"Okay, your knee hurting? I saw you only danced two dances." He'd remembered about my knee!

"Yeah, it was but Jacob hasn't been back to ask me. And no one else has either."

"Well, then, would you dance with me?" I nodded and he led me to the floor, hyperventilating the whole time.

"You mean Lauren is okay with you dancing with me?"

"She's dancing with the first mate." He pointed to her. She was very pretty that night. Her long silvery blonde hair was in an up-do and her dress was silver and white.

Edward and I danced a while without saying anything.

"Thank you for the book." He said, once again shocking me. He hadn't said anything about that.

"You're welcome."

"I was shocked. After the way I treated you, you still remembered my birthday."

"I still care about you no matter what you did. And no matter what Lauren does. I found it in Jerusalem."

"That's after I, um." He paused and I spoke.

"Yeah, I wasn't sure if you would accept it from me after, um." I paused a bit.

"How are you and Lauren doing?"

"Fine. She extended her contract to a year. And she's going to spend a few weeks in Florida during the off-season. You still driving around the country?"

"Yeah, Jacob helped me figure out the best route. If I don't run out of money I should be able to see everything I wanted. The most important thing is that I get the time alone to decide some things."

"Jacob's not going with you?" He asked, a little too curious for what he'd become—an acquaintance.

"He'll join me for a little while. I need time away from him to think. I didn't mean that the way it sounded. I need time away from everyone. Nothing has really changed."

"Bella, everything has changed." The song was about to end and I saw Lauren and Jacob both heading our way from opposite sides of the dance floor. I took the opportunity to whisper what I'd been feeling lately.

"Edward, nothing has changed. Except that I realized that I didn't really like you. I love you." I let go of him and turned to intercept Jacob. I didn't look back at Edward and Jacob bowed to me and asked for the next dance.

I was flushed and energized by my dance with Edward so I didn't have to pretend to enjoy the rest of the night with Jacob. At midnight, there was the countdown and Jacob tried to kiss me. I turned my face so that he kissed my cheek and saw Lauren kiss Edward full on the mouth. I was very glad it was time to leave.

The next day everyone was busy packing and cleaning. We pulled into port at five and the other employees began leaving. The staff of Dream Inspiration had to stay another day. We had a staff meeting at six that night. Tyler and the captain gave short speeches similar to the beginning of the season. They were pep talks really. Meant to encourage as many as possible to return in February.

"This has been a terrific season. They just seem to get better every year. Thank you to everyone who made this summer a success. Now here is Tyler to hand out the awards."

"This season was so hard to decide. As most of you know, the main requirement for the seasonal awards is that the person work the entire season. Unfortunately that excludes a lot of people who can only work for the summer months. Hopefully it will encourage those of you who only work one or two months to work a whole season or more."

Ah, the awards ceremony. Most pros don't care about the awards. They work Dream because of the relationships, the travel, and the ocean. Newbies get really excited until they find out that the trophies aren't everything they hoped for. However, there was one award that even the pros work for.

The Employee of the Season award went to the one person that did everything right. They obeyed every rule and performed their job exactly right. Or at least they didn't get caught if they did break the rules. But they also did extra things. They helped out everywhere, they had their hand in everything, and they went the extra mile for guests and other staff. The captain himself chooses the winner from nominations from all over the ship. Everyone who knows about the award actively works for it. The award also has a certain cash prize of 1000 not to mention special privileges.

I knew about the award, and just knew that it described Edward in every way. Even though after he started dating Lauren he didn't help as much, he was still into everything. I was hoping so much for Edward to win that I at first didn't hear them call my name.

"Isabella Swan? Is she here?"

"Bella, that's you! Go on up!" I was shocked. But was even more so when everyone in the audience and the upper management on stage gave me a standing ovation. When it was over, I got all kinds of congratulations and pats on the back and "you deserve it"s.

"Wow. I can't believe this. Jacob, I don't think I deserve it. There are so many others-."

"Others who don't do half as much as you do. I guess I talk about you more than I thought. The captain said that they started watching you after they heard so much about you. They were leaning towards someone else until then."

"But that other person might deserve it more than I do."

"No, they don't. It's time you realize how much you do. Now, not another word. Tomorrow is our last day together and I would like to get up early."

"I know, but I promised to help clean."

"Nope. You get the day off because of that award. Captain's orders," the captain himself said that. He had come up behind us as we were walking the outside decks.

"Anyone who does so much deserves a day off. According to the maids, you clean almost as much as they do. Only Edward Cullen does as much and he's a full-timer. Goodnight dear." And he walked off, whistling.

And I knew who the other person up for the award was. I had beat out Edward for the trophy and the 1000 prize. Wow. Maybe this was a little revenge for his total 180 degree turn since making out with Lauren?

"Here is your room. And I say goodnight and I will see you in the morning, baby." Pet names really made me uncomfortable. But I had let one slip that week when I wasn't thinking. So Jacob picked it up himself and I really couldn't say anything since I had done it first.

I changed clothes and went out on deck, not really sleepy yet. The stars were shining in spite of us being so close to the city. It was very late and the only people out were the night fishermen. They were coming in from the ocean and some were drunkenly singing. But it was barely background noise for me. All I heard was the waves and some seagulls stirred up by the fishermen.

"Okay, I did it. In order to keep my heart from hardening. I told him I love him. I trusted him with my feelings for him. Now I have to figure out how I really feel about Jacob. Sometimes I don't want to be near him at all. The very thought of him makes me want to cry because he isn't Edward. And then other times I remember how great a person he is and I feel guilty that he has me instead of someone who loves him. Please help me, God. Jacob and I both deserve to be happy. But I will be happy just finding out what to do with my life. That's what these three months are for." I whispered to the ocean and stars and then went back to my cabin and fell asleep.