Part V
-
I sit up and dress with a slight hesitation and reserve. I feel her eyes on me but I refuse to turn, putting on my jeans, white bra and black shoulder-length shirt. I slip on my converses and ruffle my curly messed-up hair.
"Going for the 'just-fucked' look?" Papi grins at me, wrapping the bed-sheets around her naked body.
I smirk and turn "Like it?".
"Love it" she nods. The smile fades and she pauses "I know why you did this".
"No, Papi" I shake my head "You don't... Believe me" I sit on her bed "I'm not looking for a full-blown relationship".
She laughs "Carmen, me neither! Doesn't mean that... We still can't fuck".
"No, it doesn't" I smile down at her and force myself to stand. If I look at her any longer than I'm gonnah start feeling guilty for using her to make me feel better about Shane.
"See you later?" she asks me.
"Sure" I nod and walk for the door.
"Carmen" she calls after me.
I turn and find her sitting up "I'm not gonnah add you to my 'dyke list'... Okay?".
"Okay" I smile and walk out the door. I lean against it and wince. That shouldn't have happened. I sunk to Shane's level to make myself feel better.
Now I was just angry. Pissed. Me and Shane were nothing but I felt like screaming at her for kissing that other girl. Groping her right in front of me.
"Carmen?".
Oh Shit. I open my eyes "Jenny?".
Jenny was standing in front of me, frowning "What..." she glanced at the door "What are you doing standing outside Papi's door?".
I stay silent.
"Carmen" she shakes her head "You didn't do anything, right?".
I wince.
"Carmen!" she sounds angry.
"What?" I cry back.
She grabs my arm and pulls me down the stairs "What are you playing at? Shane's an ass, we get that... But she's Shane... And Papi's nearly as worse as Shane is... She's a player, a heart-breaker... You don't need that...".
"Jenny" I stop her "What is going on with you? One minute you're a stuck-up bitch, the next you're giving me advice and hugs... I don't get you" I fold my arms.
She looks down, quiet "Listen, I know what it's like to have your heart broken".
"You fell for Shane too?" I frown.
"God no!" Jenny shakes her head "It's just... Lately, I've had these feelings for someone who I shouldn't have feelings for and I changed... I know what it's like to get hurt by someone you love".
"Who is it?" okay so I'm dead nosey.
"Carmen" Jenny sighs "Just don't do anything stupid, yeah?".
"School's over, right?" I glance at my watch.
"Course" Jenny states like it's obvious. "Shane's been looking for you... She went back to the dorm after Alice said you weren't feeling well...".
"She went back for me?" I wince. She went looking for me? Can you say: 'aww'...?
Jenny nodded, but something in her eyes kept her from saying something else.
"What?" I feel weird. What was she keeping from me?
"She slept with that girl, Carmen" Jenny whispered.
I just nod. It doesn't surprise me. Hurts like hell but doesn't surprise me. "When?".
"After you left" Jenny continued, looking down "She and the girl went to the toilets... Dana said some girls had walked in on them...".
Shane seems to have a thing for people walking in on her. "Right... Well, no harm done, yeah?".
"Carmen" she takes me hand.
"Don't 'Carmen' me" I pull away "I'm not stupid Jenny... So I was attracted to Shane, it wasn't love, okay? Besides... I'm interested in Papi, not Shane".
Jenny sighs and looks down. At that moment, Shane, Alice and Dana round the corner. Something made Jenny turn red and turn away. Weird.
"Carmen" Shane smiles "I heard you weren't feeling well".
"I just..." I begin "Feel better now".
I saw Jenny take a short look at Alice and Dana, before turning away again "I gotta go" she rushed off down the stairs.
It takes me seconds to figure it out. "No!" I gasp.
"What?" Alice frowns.
"Nothing... Catch you later!" I run after Jenny and catch up to her, short of breath.
"Jenny" I grab her arm "... It's not..." I pause "Is it?".
She looks away.
"I knew it!" I shriek "You love Alice, don't you?".
Jenny goes red and shoves me to the side. "You don't have to put an ad in the paper!" she hisses "And no, I don't..." she pauses "Love her... I just...—".
"Having feelings?" I finish for her.
It takes a while but she nods her head "You say anything—".
"I won't" I cut her off "As long as you don't tell anybody about me and Papi".
"Fine" Jenny sighs. It's kind of ironic. Jenny and Alice seriously dislike each other; borderline hate. Maybe the saying's actually right: Opposites attract.
Me and Papi are not exactly opposite. We're both Latinas, we both speak Spanish and we're both gay... Me and Shane on the other hand... She can't speak Spanish, she dresses like nothing I've ever seen before...
I could go on and on. But I won't. I won't let myself obsess over her. It's not gonnah happen.
"Carmen?" Jenny frowns at me.
"Sorry" I jump out of my thoughts.
"Wanna grab something to eat?" Jenny smiles at me.
"What about your posse?" I smirk.
"We're not joined at the hip" Jenny states.
"Fine" I put my arm around her shoulder and we walk towards the dining hall. "Y'know, if you want Alice to get her to like you, you gotta stop acting like a bitch".
Jenny smiles at me sadly and we walk into the hall. I feel sorry for her. Alice and Dana are inseparable and if that were Shane and anybody else, it would kill me.
Oh god. No. Stop thinking about Shane, god dammit. "Does it get any easier?" I sigh.
Jenny shakes her head and sighs "Not to my recollection".
I can't help but smile at her. Maybe I would survive this place. Just maybe.
-
"Carmen".
Shane's voice makes me look up. I'm sitting with Jenny, eating lunch. Shane, Alice and Dana are standing before us. I see Jenny pretend to look interested in some book she had.
"Yeah?" I force a smile.
"I got all this information for our project" Shane sits down next to me. "We're supposed to fill out this quiz form about each other... Y'know, I ask you questions and vice versa".
"Cool" I nod. "What about the whole important issues in life?" I smile.
Shane shrugs.
"That comes later" Dana in-puts "This is like... Getting to know your partner sort of thing".
I nod again.
"You wanna do it the now?" Shane asks.
"Sure" I silently curse myself.
"That sounds like a great idea" Jenny stands up "I'm gonnah go do that with Jade" she rushes off.
"Weird" Alice sits down "That's the fourth time she's done that whenever we come near her...".
I muse a shrug and see Shane pull out two sheets of paper from her pocket. They've been typed up on computer, probably by Miss Torry... I start to worry what kind of questions will be on the paper...
"We can do ours, Alice" Dana says, pulling the same sheets from her school-bag. They turn away from me and Shane and off into our own little world. I feel a wave of pity for Jenny, whose looking at them like her heart has just been torn apart.
Without Alice or Dana to talk to, I feel a bit nervous around Shane. And guilty. Well, only a little...
I hear Shane ask Dana for two pens as she pushes one of the papers towards me. She gives me the pink pen as she takes the black one. Personally, I think it should be the other way around.
"Question 1" Shane begins "What is your favourite movie?".
I frown. What is my favourite movie? "Mmm... I'd have to say Titanic".
Shane raises her eyebrows and notes it down.
"What?" I smile.
"Nothing" she shrugs.
"And yours?" I ask.
"The Omega Man" she replies.
I write it down and move on to the next question "Question 2, what is the one thing you hate about life?".
"Everything" Shane smiles. I write it down and she looks at me.
"The only certain thing in the world is that nothing is for certain" I reply quietly. I learned that the hard way.
"Question 3" Shane announces "What is your favourite poem?".
My face goes blank and I hold my breath. The painful memory flooded my mind without my consent.
-
Flash-Back
I was stood outside on muddy grass. The ceremony had been long and tiring and the rain wouldn't give up. I watched with silent tears as they lowered her down into the hole in the ground.
The priest said the usual and then members of the family stood up to say something. I was surprised when Bette's mother asked me if I wanted to say something.
I managed a meek smile as I inched closer to her tombstone. I wanted to say something Bette would laugh at, but nothing witty came to mind. Then I remembered. Her favourite poem. She had said that if she ever died before me that she wanted her favourite poem engraved on her tombstone.
I sucked in a breath as the tears rapidly fell:
"Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not here, I do not sleep,
I am in a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints of snow,
I am the sunlight in the ripen grain,
I am the gentle autumn's rain.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there. I did not die".
I felt bad when Bette's mom broke down into new tears as my own suddenly stopped. "Bette's favourite poem" I told the crying crowd. "She wanted it—" my voice broke and I looked up to Kit, who was crying with sadness.
"I'm sorry" I told her grave "It should have been me" I turned and ran from her grave, sobbing hysterically.
End Of Flash-Back
-
"Carmen?" Shane frowns "Carmen?".
"Huh?" I jump out of my thoughts.
"Your favourite poem?" Shane was still frowning.
"Do Not Stand At My Grave And Weep" I reply; my voice raw and throat dry "By Mary Elizabeth Frye".
"Never heard of it before" Shane shrugs "How does it go?".
"Let's just do yours" I avoid her look and wait for her to answer.
"I don't... Really have a favourite poem" Shane shrugs again.
I write it down and move on "Question 4, favourite food?".
"Pizza" Shane breaks into a smile "You?".
"Pasta" I force a smile and swallow the lump in my throat. I look up and see Papi stride into the hall like she owns it. She smirks at me, like Shane does but funnily enough, I don't feel the same melting tingle that I do with Shane.
"Question 5" Shane brings my gaze back to her "If you had a million dollars, what would you do with it?".
"Buy me a house" I grin "And then give some to charity".
"I'd open up my own skate-boarding shop" Shane grins back "And have a practice course like right next to the shop".
"You have a secret passion huh, Shane?" I smile, tilting my head. Oh hell no. Stop this, Carmen! You're flirting.
"There's lots of things you don't know about me" Shane smirks back.
I look away. The anger I had felt earlier on was surfacing. I think I know her pretty well. Player. Heart-breaker... But then again, so was Papi.
Was I just getting myself into more bother with something and someone I knew nothing about.
"Carmen?" Shane shakes me "That's like the millionth time you've blanked out... You sure you're feeling better?".
Thank-you, Shane. You don't know what you've done but thank-you.
"Actually no" I shake my head "I feel a little sick... I think I'm gonnah go lie down...".
She nods "We could fill these out later on or—".
"Make it up" I interrupt her "It's just some stupid form, right?" I force a smile and stand up, my face falling with pain as I walk away from her. This is exactly what I shouldn't do. Fall for her. Spend time with her.
"Carmen" Papi follows me up the stairs.
"Yeah?" I reply, distracted.
"My dorm's free and..." she trails off, smirking.
"No" I shake my head.
"No?" Papi frowns.
"Look Papi..." I begin "You're a lovely girl but—".
"Don't give me the speech" Papi interrupts, folding her arms "I'm not stupid, you're totally into Shane and its fine... You know where I'll be when you want me..." she turns and walks back downstairs.
Huh. That went better than I thought. I make my way up to my dorm and sigh happily when I fall into my bed. I glance around. Nobody's here which means...
My hand snakes out and I pull out my file from under my mattress. I can now officially get a chance to read it. Without the looks or questions.
I flip through the pages and frown. None of these things add up to anything: That's not my birthday, my father wasn't a drug-dealer and as far as I know, my mother wasn't white.
My frown intensifies when I read that I'm supposedly an only child and that I've lived in an orphanage my whole life. Wrong. Something in me clicks and I look up, shaking my head.
That bitch.
-
"What is this!?" I slam my file down in front of Papi. I stormed back into the dining hall and found her sitting when her friends. Her whole table looks up as I glare at her.
"Carmen" Papi stands up "What are you talking about?".
"You knew" I advance on her "You knew that I would want to know about my family, you used that against me".
"Carmen" Papi struggles "I don't get—".
"Bull-shit!" I shriek "You met me that day and you didn't like it that I turned you down, so you lied and told me you broke into Causley's office to get your phone back but you never! That night, you forged a file and went down early to plant it. When I got there, you were standing outside, playing the innocent..." I laugh bitterly "All you had to do was wait until—".
"Whoa, back it up" Papi interrupts "Number one, I ain't got nothing to do with those files! Secondly, don't flatter yourself and third, if I wanted you that bad—".
"You wanted me because I was the first one who had the guts to tell you I didn't wanna sleep with you!" I glare at her. Shane, Alice, Dana and Jenny have come up beside me.
"Except you did, didn't you Carmen?" Papi smirks and leans into me "What was it earlier on? You came happily to my dorm and practically begged me to fuck you!".
I close my eyes and wince. Shane looks emotionless but her eyes say something else. Oh god. I feel like dying right now.
"Come on, Carmen" Jenny takes my arm and pulls me away from the hall.
"Going to fuck someone else, now!?" Papi shrieks after me "Don't worry, Jenny! She likes it rough!".
I turn in time to see Shane throw the first punch. Papi lands on her ass, her nose bleeding.
"Shane!" I cry, rushing back. Papi gets up and lunges for Shane but gets me instead. She pushes me into the wall and I gasp.
Shane tackles Papi to the ground and starts punching her. My back hurts like hell but I jump in and grab Shane by the waist. She's very light but nothing will stop her attack on Papi.
Papi rolls on top of her and starts her own attack. Oh god. Could this get any worse? Apparently so... With renewed anger, Shane rolled back over and started punching her again.
"Alice!" I cry, tears falling out.
Alice races forwards and screams at Shane to stop but Shane ignores her. A crowd have gathered around us and not even Papi's friends want to help her.
"Shane, stop!" I manage to push her away. Papi was lying there, half-conscious. She had a bloody nose, and several cuts all over her face.
"Papi" my voice breaks. I glance back at Shane, who has a cut eyebrow and lip. "Shane" I whisper "What were you trying to do, kill her?".
"I'll get Causley" one of Papi's friends announce.
"No!" Papi struggles to get up "No" she insists "I just need..." she nearly falls but I reach out and hold her up.
"I'll clean her up" I tell her friends and help her to the stairs. I so desperately wanna shout at Shane... And kiss her and take her right there on that stupid table—
"Carmen" Papi leans on my shoulder.
"What?" I manage. When she opens her mouth to answer, I shush her. We'll talk later. When she's not covered in blood. I think me and Shane need to talk as well.
A/N:
I didn't wanna update like twice in one day but I was hit with this need to write more lol Anyway, let me know what you think...
Love & Hugs
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