Part XII
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We all stare at the black-haired teacher sitting at the desk. Let's recap, shall we? I had just walked in on Jenny and new girl Becky having sex, and ran away so hard I thought my legs might break.
School was back on, a bit soon I might add but... Now, we're in class, staring at this substitute, who's on her phone. This substitute who has nothing better to do than talk on her phone, leaving us just listening to her sob over her cheating boyfriend.
Hey, it's better than—
Something hits my back and I stop my chain my thought. I glance back; ready to give whoever the fuck did it a slap but I see a crumpled up balled of paper next to my chair leg.
I pick it up, turn around and give the class a glance again and then open it up. It read:
Finished with Player Shane? Come to room 509 for good time.
Great. Dana's grave is barely weeks old and already I'm getting hit on. I turn back and see a dirty blonde grinning—no, smirking—at me. She raises her eyebrows.
I smirk, crumple the paper back up and throw it back to her. It lands on her desk. I see Shane staring at me. "What?" I mouth. She shrugs. We've said so few words to each other since this morning in the bathroom.
What do I get myself into? I mean, really! Shane moves her table over to mine and leans in "Guess you saw them then?" she whispers.
"How could I not?" I whisper back "They were just about to audition for World's Greatest Sluts when I walked out" the last came out bitterly "So much for Jenny the mild".
Shane snorts and pulls back "Was bound to happen sooner or later".
"What?" I frown "Dana is barely—".
"Hi Shane" a blonde turns around from in front of Shane and gives her smirk "Are we still on for tonight?".
My heart plummets. Oh god, I should have seen it coming. I glance at Shane's uneasy smile and then quick nod. Right. Looks like everybody's paired up but me.
Wonderful. I pull a piece of paper from my jotter and scribble down:
You're on
I tossed it to the dirty blonde who had hit on me earlier. She smirked, opened it and flashed me a hungry desiring look. Well then... I guess you could say that me and Shane are no longer; 'me and Shane'.
Shane questions me with her eyes but I just shrug and turn away.
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"Homework done for next week" I mumble to myself, writing down on my school list "Project to be handed in tomorrow... 1000 words essay on emotions..." I walk up the stairs and come to my dorm door. Let's pray Becky and Jenny aren't back. "...World War II report, done..." I smile and open the door.
Oh no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Shit. Shit.
"Carmen" Shane mumbles, covering herself with the bed covers "It's not how it looks...".
My dead eyes flicker from her to the tart beside her, who is also naked. I fold my arms and glare. Why didn't I see this coming? Why did I think she had actually changed?
"Don't let me interrupt you" I walk into the bathroom, looking for my jumper, which is why I came up here anyway. I grab my jumper and walk back "Don't mind me" I fake a sick smile and storm out.
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I see my hand reaching out to knock on door number 509. I see the door open and the blonde standing there is the one from class earlier on.
"Lookie, lookie" she pouts "You couldn't keep away, could you?".
"No talking" I tell her and lean down to kiss her harshly. She grabs her forcefully and pulls me into the room to slam the door shut. She pins against the door and shoves her tongue down my throat. Literally.
Her fingers burst open my shirt and I pull away, panting heavily. "Stop" I gasp.
She leans in and kisses my neck hungrily. "Stop" I push her away. What am I doing!? I'm letting this total stranger ravage me... I don't even know her name... I'm doing it again. Exactly what happened last time. When Shane slept with someone and I went running to Papi.
"Sorry" I start buttoning my shirt back up.
"What are you doing?" she stops me "Were we not just in the middle of something?".
I open the door and turn back to her "Tell me my name and I'll stay".
The blonde shifts from one foot to the other foot and grins sheepishly "... Callie?".
"Wrong" I smile and walk out, slamming the door behind me. My feet walk and I realise I'm heading towards the direction of the dining hall. Coffee. I need coffee.
I get a latte from the kitchen and sit by myself at a table at the back row. How did I get like this? When I first arrived here; I fell for Shane, made friends, settled in... And then it all went wrong. Shane and I hurt each other with people, Dana died, Alice changed, Jenny went back to being a bitch, and then, there was this new person... Called Becky who seemed to be taking over.
I don't exactly know how Alice is taking the news but I don't think it's great.
"You said just friends".
I jerk up and see Shane, sitting across from me. Her tone is a little angry and slightly sad.
"What?" I frown.
"In the bathroom" Shane replies quickly "You said friends. Just friends, remember? No flirting, no dating, no anything that friends shouldn't be doing, ring any bells?".
"Yeah" I nod coldly "I walked in on you semi-naked and you didn't let me leave... Does that sound like just friends?".
"Oh give it up Carmen" Shane leans in to hiss "You confuse me so much, you'd know that? First, you like me, then you shag Papi, then you flirt with me again, then we have that date-fair thing, then you push me away, then you flirt with me again, then you tell me we shouldn't flirt, that we should just be friends, then you walk in on me and Jo and storm out! You're so confusing, sometimes! Just say one thing and stick to it".
"Everytime I even try to close to you, I get hurt!" I replied angrily "That's what it's about! Everytime I open myself up to you, try to get close to you, you pull away faster than the speed of light and shag some random Jo!".
"Oh!" Shane pulls back, laughing bitterly "What was Papi then? And what about that girl in class this morning!? Don't tell me you didn't storm away to her like you did with Papi".
I look away.
"See?" Shane nods "I know you better then you know yourself".
"You don't know anything about me" I bite back "Yes, I went to..." shit, her name... "...Room 509 and yes, I kissed... Her but nothing else happened".
Shane smirks and shakes her head.
"Nothing happened!" I insist "Beside, what'd you care? And as you so kindly pointed out, we're just friends! Remember?".
Shane stands and looks at me expressionless "We're all having a movie night tonight... Becky's borrowing the television from Causley's office... You in?".
I raise my eyebrows "Borrowing, huh?".
Shane represses a smirk "Yes, borrowing... She's also gonnah borrow some videos, like I said... You in?".
"Sure" I rub my forehead tiredly "Will Jo be joining us?" there's bitterness to my tone.
"No" Shane snaps sharply "She won't" she turns and marches away. I watch her go, not realising my hand is practically burning up from holding the latte cup.
I pull it away, hissing.
Great. My day couldn't get any worse.
Ha.
Famous last words.
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I'm sitting on a bench outside the school, gazing out at the field, the lake and Dana's grave. God, that was horrible. Talking to Shane, telling her how I felt, how I feel... That hurt.
"Hello Carmen" a voice announces itself and then a figure sat down next to me. I jump up when I realise who it is. This can't be happening... This isn't real.
"Bette" I whisper. Sure as day, she's right in front of me, her brown locks running down her back, wearing an orange summer dress and white sandals.
"Since when do you feel sorry for yourself?" she asks me.
"What are you—" I choke out "How is this—".
"Oh you are stubborn" Bette cuts me off, smiling "I take it my message didn't get through to you?".
I stay silent.
"Come on" she takes my hand and leads me across the field, and eventually to the lake and Dana's grave. "You blame yourself for my death, and you blame yourself for Dana's death... You couldn't have saved us, Carmen... Understand that".
Tears well to the surface and when I look at Dana's tombstone, my blood runs cold. I step back in shock and look up at Bette's sad face.
"What is this?" I hiss out.
"This is life without you" Bette replies.
I stare back at the tombstone, shivers going down my spine. The tombstone reads:
R.I.P
Carmen De La Pica Morales
1973 – 1990
Beloved Daughter, Sister and Friend
Bette points over to the lake and suddenly the scene plays over in my head like last time. Cal in front of me and Dana, him shouting, the gun gets clicked into place and suddenly, the gun gets raised.
Oh no. Shit. God.
I duck in front of Dana and suddenly, it's me on the ground, bleeding to death. Dana cries, cradles my body, screams as Cal drops the gun and runs away.
Screams til her throat goes raw and I have to turn and run away. It gets too much. And then the tears come.
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"Let me get this straight, you're an angel coming to show me what my life would be like if I was dead..?" I'm walking along aside Bette in the school halls.
"Along those lines" Bette nods back "Sort of like A Wonderful Life but... Not so wonderful".
"You're more cryptic now than you were alive!" I mutter, shaking my head.
Bette turns a corner and suddenly stops. I follow her gaze and frown as a covered body is pulled out from my dorm room on a stretcher.
I glance to Bette and frown. It's like no-one can see us. Like we're just invisible ghost looking on at a scene.
"When you died, everything fell apart" Bette explains "Everybody fell apart. Shane couldn't take it. One night, she got some pills and over-dosed".
I stop breathing.
"She died" Bette continued, watching the stretcher get wheeled away.
I see a tear-streaked Alice and Dana by the door and an expressionless Jenny. They look so shaken and pale. Like they're in shock. I want to reach out and let them know it's all alright but I know they won't see me. Or Bette.
The scene in front of me fades away and suddenly we're in a dark alley-way. Bette's beside me, watching a dark-haired girl take money from another girl and lead her to the alley.
"What's going on?" I look around.
"Everything gets too much for Jenny" Bette whispers like it'll make a difference, gesturing to the dark-haired girl "It started out innocent, like before... And then it became a way to grieve... Deal with it...".
I glance again at the girl and she reappears, striding out of the alley-way. I'm shocked to find that it's Jenny. She's wearing slutty clothes and slapped in make-up.
"What?" I gasp "What is this?".
"You saved Jenny from herself, Carmen" Bette replies, not looking at me "You saved Shane and you saved Jenny. Without you, they're lives fell apart".
I wrap my arms around myself almost painfully and go quiet.
"Come on" Bette adds "We're not done yet".
Suddenly, we're back in school and watching this loner Goth eat lunch. She's covered in black clothes and black make-up with celtic jewellery and symbols all over her hands.
"Who's that?" I frown.
"Go see out for yourself" Bette folds her arms.
I take one glance at her before walking over to the table and sitting down across from the Goth. Once again, she can't see or hear me. I frown again and stare at her face. My eyes widen in shock.
"Dana?" I lean in. It's Dana sitting before me. All in black. Black everything. She looks sad, depressed. I turn back to Bette "What happened to her?".
"Alice couldn't take losing you and Shane" Bette explains, sitting down next to me "Shane was like a sister to her and she dealt with it by closing her heart... Alice pushed Dana away".
"So Dana became a loner Goth?" I frown, looking back at her.
Bette nods "She gave up tennis and closed up her own heart... She hardened herself, became depressed... Covered herself in a lonely pool of blackness...".
Bette pointed to a corner and I stand and look up to see a blonder haired Alice, sitting by herself at a table, her nose in a thick book.
"What happened to Alice?" I ask, dreading creeping up in me.
"She gave up writing" Bette shrugs, standing next to me "Became bitter and cold... Gave up anything that made her happy... She'll be dead by the time she's 24... She'll be just another homeless person that caught a virus and her immune system couldn't fight it... There'll be nobody there to miss her...".
Tears once again rise to the surface and I try to blink them back.
"I don't wanna do this anymore" I choke out.
"There's still one more you need to see" Bette replies, taking my hand.
Once again, the scene before my eyes fade and suddenly, we're in Papi's dorm. She's sitting on her bed, dividing out white powder that's probably drugs.
"You changed her, Carmen" Bette smiles sadly "You saved her... After you slept with her and helped her; cleaned her up after the fight with Shane... You made her softer... You changed her for the better, Carmen".
I glance back down to Papi, whose dark make-up and hair rolled into a tight bun made her look harsh. Scary. Cold. Bitter. She keeps dividing and rolling up the drugs.
"She becomes a drug-dealer?" I whisper out.
Bette nodded "She sells drugs for cash... In a few months from now, the police will raid the school and find Papi with possession of drugs... She'll be charged and sent to prison for 15 years" she paused sadly "... She won't survive those 15 years...".
"I want to stop this now" I look at Bette with pleading eyes.
Suddenly, we're back the lake, two tombstones now in front of me. Mines. And Shane's. Seconds later, more tombstones appear by mine and Shane's, each getting newer and newer.
I lean in and read them "Alice, Dana, Papi, Jenny..." I look back at Bette "What's going on?".
"They all die, Carmen" Bette folded her arms matter-of-factly "...Alice dies homeless, Papi dies in jail, Jenny's just another call-girl who got murdered and Dana... She gets caught up in a cult and commits suicide...".
My heart starts to pound faster, my breathing hitched, my throat raw and my soul battered and bruised. I stare blankly at the six tombstones in front of me.
"Why are you doing this?" I cry to Bette.
"Because you have to stop blaming yourself, Carmen" Bette replies, taking my hand "I was supposed to save that boy... I was meant to die... And so was Dana... But you... If you had taken Dana's place, they all would have died way before they're time...".
Tears flow from my eyes painfully.
"Stop blaming yourself, Carmen" Bette whispers "Stop it".
I turn to find her but she's not there anymore. My mouth opens to gasp painfully and suddenly, before my eyes, everything she's shown me, is rewound; like a tape being re-winded:
Me being shot. My tombstone. Shane's dead body. Shane's tombstone. Call-girl Jenny. Depressed Dana. Bitter, cold Alice. Drug-dealing Papi. Jenny's tombstone. Dana's tombstone. Alice's tombstone. Papi's tombstone.
Death. Shane. Dana. Jenny. Alice. Papi—
I gasp and jerk awake. I look around sharply. I'm in the dining hall, still sitting at the table where Shane had found me and the last thing I remember is...
I must have fallen asleep because there's only several other students and staff left in the hall. I leave my now freezing cold latte and stand up, yawning.
God, that dream—nightmare—with Bette had been so real. Was she right? Had I saved Shane and Alice and Jenny and Papi since I had gotten here?
Maybe she was right. I blamed myself. I did. I could have saved Dana. Except I couldn't. I can't help but smile at Bette's words. She's my guardian angel.
I glance out the window and see the one tombstone by the lake. Dana's tombstone. I sigh softly and continue my way up to the dorm.
Maybe they've already started to watch the video. Maybe they haven't. I don't know. I don't know what I'm gonnah do about Shane but the one thing I do know is that I need to let go of all this anger and blame.
So I will. I let go of all the anger and blame and bitterness.
And you know what I did?
I smiled.
A/N:
Hey! Sorry about totally neglecting this story recently... Been totally busy lately! Anyway, back on track! Oh and I'll fix any mistakes later ;)
Reviews are awesome!
Love & Hugs
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