Part 13

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I must have fallen asleep because there's only several other students and staff left in the hall. I leave my now freezing cold latte and stand up, yawning.

God, that dream—nightmare—with Bette had been so real. Was she right? Had I saved Shane and Alice and Jenny and Papi since I had gotten here?

Maybe she was right. I blamed myself. I did. I could have saved Dana. Except I couldn't. I can't help but smile at Bette's words. She's my guardian angel.

I glance out the window and see the one tombstone by the lake. Dana's tombstone. I sigh softly and continue my way up to the dorm.

Maybe they've already started to watch the video. Maybe they haven't. I don't know. I don't know what I'm gonnah do about Shane but the one thing I do know is that I need to let go of all this anger and blame.

So I will. I let go of all the anger and blame and bitterness.

And you know what I did?

I smiled.

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"You're late" Alice commented as I walked into our dorm, finding them all sat on the ground, covers wrapped around them and looking up at the small tv.

"What are you watching?" I wince at the screen as an army-looking man shoots into the field.

"A Russian drama" Becky replies.

"I see" I avoid Shane's gaze and stumble in the dark, flopping down on my bed.

"You're not gonnah watch it?" Alice asks.

I struggle up and stare at them. All of them. Really stare. If you looked at us, you would see girls, teenage girls, trying to get along in the world. Except, look closer and it's not.

You would see Becky; new girl, the one we didn't know or basically, don't want to. At all.

Alice, the once-shy writer now confident and bitter about life and love.

Or Jenny, the snobby bitch that hid her sensitive side, the one that let her feel, now... Now, she's a Barbie doll, cold and plastic.

Or Shane. Shane. Nobody really knows Shane. I don't think. She's smart and sexy, but that's not the real her. She's cut up about her fucked up family and everything that goes with it.

And me... Huh. I used to know myself. Really. I used to know what I liked and didn't like. I used to know how I would react in certain situations and now I don't. It's all gone.

And I blame this place. Ever since I got here, my life has been a soap drama. A dramatic movie about the loss of love, the heartache of family and the pains of growing up. I hate it.

"How did we get like this?" I whisper out, quiet but I know they hear me.

Their heads turn and gentle eyes stare at me with interest.

"I know" Alice breathes out. Things haven't been very good between us since she whacked me. Can you blame me? You don't go around hitting people just because—Breathe, Carmen, breathe...

"Sorry" Alice adds, not looking at me "I'm sorry".

"I know" I reply "I'm sorry too".

Shane turns to look at me and this time, I look back. She gives me a small smile and I smile back. Jenny just keeps her legs up against her chin, looking small.

"I'm sorry too, Jenny" I sit up, speaking louder now. She doesn't turn "I know you paste yourself in make-up and skimpy clothes to hide yourself but I know you, and I'm sorry you're hurting...".

Alice gives Jenny a quick glance. Ever since I accidently spilled the beans about the whole 'Jenny in love with Alice' thing, I get the impression they haven't been talking.

"And I'm sorry as well, Becky" I add, looking over at her "I know we haven't been the most welcoming of people...".

"S'okay" Becky shrugs "I heard about... Dana".

Alice winces at her name and Shane reaches out to take her hand.

"You wanna talk?" I come off the bed and sit down on the floor next to them "Unless... You wanna watch two Russian lovers in the back of a tank?".

Becky laughs and turns to face me "You're so sarcastic, you'd know that?".

"Oh yeah" Shane says something before I can "That's just Carmen".

I mock-gasp and reach out to whack her "That's not fair! Coming from Miss Depressed Skater-dude".

"Oh good one" Shane sticks her tongue out at me.

Becky grins and shakes her head. I see her hand reach out to pick something up. It looks like a piece of paper or a picture. "What's this?" she turns the picture around and we all freeze, staring. It's the day Dana died.

We all got our picture taken together in this dorm. Shane's behind me with her arms wrapped around my waist and her head resting on my shoulder and beside us is Dana and Alice, laughing at something they said to each other. Jenny is in the middle, a fag in one hand and a bottle of soda in the other. She's pouting happily, something we never see her do anymore.

I remember that day so clearly... Alice and Dana weren't coming down til later cause they wanted to spend time with each other. Then they did and everything went to pot.

"Is that Dana?" Becky asks, looking back at the picture "She's pretty".

"She is" Alice whispers, taking the picture and putting it in her pocket. I smile at Shane and she takes my hand in the dark, entwining our fingers. I've decided I will take a chance on her. I love her, right? I mean, I've pretty much known that since that first night we got drunk together.

Bette and Dana are always going to be there in my heart but I've got to move on. I've got a future, a life I've got to live, maybe I'll call Kit and see how she's getting on... I miss her.

"This is too depressing" Becky reaches out and takes the video out.

"Yes" I nod, leaning into Shane's body and she pulls her covers around me.

"Spanish midgets wrestling?" Becky pouts, changing the channel.

"Sure" I mumble and they all turn to stare at me "What?" I frown "Spanish midgets can be—Whatever!"".

Becky grins and changes the channel over and suddenly, music blasts through the small side speakers. The music channel. Finally. Something fun.

"Come on" I pull Shane up and we start classical dance to old school rap.

Becky snorts and shakes her head "So shameful!".

"Jealous!" I point, laughing. I haven't had this much fun in... God knows.

Becky grabs Alice's hand and yanks her up and suddenly, we're everywhere, jumping on anything and everything.

"Come on, Jenny!" I laugh "Can't be cranky bitch forever!".

Her face splits into a grin and she hurdles a pillow at me.

"Oh!" I cry "Pillow fight!".

And I guess, that's how all our pillows were ripped to shreds. It was fun. Shane's a wimp at pillow fights, I find out. Either that or she just loved me pinning her down.

I'm sure it was the latter.

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"That's disgusting!" I groan as I walk with Shane towards class. Becky, Alice and Jenny are not far behind and I can hear a quiet murmur of protest.

"It's true" Shane nods, turning the page on a black dusty book "In some parts of the worlds, people actually eat the placenta... Supposed to be healthy or something".

"Can you stop?" I cover my mouth with my hand "I'm going to be sick".

"Hey, what's this?" Shane pulls me towards a wall and we stare up at a poster.

"Oh no" I shake my head.

In front of us is a big giant, red, sparkly poster. And what's on it, makes me want the ground to open up and swallow me whole. There's nowhere I'm having any involvement in this. Becky, Jenny and Alice come up behind us and before they open their mouths to ask, Mrs Watters is standing beside us now, smiling.

"Thinking of taking part, girls?" she smiles. Bitch.

Becky frowns as she reads the poster. "With Winter coming up, our Christmas Musical Play will be rewritten and performed by new and fresh faces. If you wish to take part in the play, see Mrs Watters at lunch".

"I'm sure it will be great" I force a smile.

"Well it should be" Mrs Watters replies "Because you'll be in it...".

"What!?" we all gasp.

Mrs Watters stepped closer to us "...I know you poor things have had a dreadful time so far and I think a bit of festival cheers will make you feel all the better... Auditions are lunch, don't miss it".

"What if..." Shane began "Said people were... Late or ill or otherwise engaged?" I stare at her. Huh. Her grammar is good.

Mrs Watters' eyes went into slits "Well then, those ...said people would serve a month's detention".

Shane laughed nervously "...Lunch it is" she pulled at her ear adoringly.

Mrs Watters smiled and began walking away "Very well, get to class, girls...".

I shake my head sadly "Is it really that bad?".

Alice nodded "Last year, Causley made us dress up as donkeys and cart Jenny and her Barbie Dolls around the stage".

"Hey!" Jenny cries "You got paid!".

"No we didn't" Alice frowned.

"Oh" Jenny frowns as well. She then shrugs "Too bad".

"Who did you play?" I ask Jenny.

"Madonna" Jenny states, walking away.

I frown.

Shane laughs "Yeah, Causley... She had a strange and very musical production of Jesus's birth... Yeah, you should have been there... Mary told Joseph she was pregnant while the song 'Like A Virgin' played into the background...".

I can't help but laugh.

"English awaits, my dear pitiful friends!" Becky hooks her arm around my shoulder and then Alice's. Shane rolls her eyes beside me and I give her a small smile.

"Who will you be then, Becky?" I frown, slightly pouting.

"I shall the star in the sky!" Becky cries dramatically "The Star that shall lead them to Jesus".

"We all know who the Virgin Mary's gonnah be..." I muttered.

"Jenny!" we all cry at the same time, laughing.

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"Now, who can tell us the story of Jesus Christ?" a woman with ginger curly hair asks us. Mrs. Watters couldn't make it apparently and now we're stuck with someone else. I swear; there's a new teacher every week in this place... I never know who is who and it's been... Well, it's been a while since I've gotten here. I should know these people. Huh.

Becky immediately raises her hand and the curly haired woman nods to let her answer.

"Well" Becky tosses her hair over her shoulder and I smile at Shane, who is looking at me with a funny look. "What?" I mouth to her but Becky is already talking.

"It's about this woman called Mary" Becky adds "Who, had an affair with another man, so she blamed it on God when she found out she was pregnant so her husband, a faithful carpenter; Joseph, wouldn't leave her... It's really that simple".

I stare at her. She's the only one who could make Jesus Christ's birth about today's modern infidelity.

"Thank you..." the woman looks uneasy. She forces a smile and turns back "Jesus Christ is actually the son of God, a very important man who sacrificed himself to save others... He returned, even death could not stop him, he never falters, he doesn't give up and he loves everyone... Now, let's start the audition, who wants to be Mary?".

"I think Mary should be a single mother, struggling on benefits, who's also having an affair with her female divorce lawyer on the side!" Becky buts in "It'll give her character more... Character" she grins.

I shake my head, laughing. She's really one in a million.

The curly-haired woman turns to Becky and looks like she's going to have a fit.

"I think Mary can have a lot more depth" Becky explains "I think we're cheapening her purpose with just labelling her 'mother of the saviour' y'know? I mean, Jesus had to have had flaws, right? He must have grown up, had it hard, went through puberty, slept around with the odd sheep, he can't be perfect all the damn time...".

The woman steps forwards "Miss...?".

"Oh Becky" Becky smiles innocently "With all due respect, Miss...?".

"Mrs Calendar" the woman rasps. I can't help but imagine steam coming out of her ears right now. Shane grins at me as Jenny and Alice both have the same amused look, as do all the others girls surrounding us on the small black stage.

"Mrs Calendar" Becky nods "...I mean, it's possible, right? And I bet Moses did not part the red sea... I mean, c'mon! Either a hurricane came and swept it off or an alien space-ship flew down and thought: 'Hey, that's a red sea! That would make a great souvenir back home... Margie'll love it' and just sucked it up and Moses thought it was God and told them that the great almighty powerful—".

"Get out of my production!" Mrs Calendar shouts, breathing angrily.

Becky backs away, smiling. She waves her arms about and turns, giving me and Shane a wink. "And that's how you get out of plays!" she skips off happily.

Mrs Calendar breathes deeply "Now..." she rasps "Who would like to be Mary?".

Jenny's hand shot up.

Huh.

Didn't see that one coming.

A/N:

Hey!! Sorry I haven't updated much, please don't ditch me !! lol First off, I'm changing the roman number chap titles to just normal, ie Part 1 instead of Part I and second, I've changed my pename to Miss Gossip Girl cause I was bored lol

Reviews are awesome!

Lots of love

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