Part 15
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"I'm sorry" I hear her say softly. "I didn't know that... I thought that... I mean, I didn't wanna put you through anymore drama but I just—I don't know...".
I stand up off the sink and walk towards the door. Something in me snaps and I leave the bathroom and her and walk back into the dorm. How did I get like this? So cynical and sarcastic, and bitter and cold, how could I possibly turn out like this? This was never me. Never.
I grew up, and loved my family, dead and alive. I loved my Spanish friends and I loved Kit. And then I got shipped here, like a parcel you get in the mail, all broken and worn-out from the journey to get here. I hear what you're saying. Shouldn't I just take a chance and let Shane in? I mean, I love her, want everything with her, it's bloody scary but it's true. Don't I deserve to be loved and feel happy and content?
Ignoring Jenny's obvious stare, Alice's snores and Becky's frown, I turn on my heel and speed back into the bathroom, a whole speech in my mind already forming. I'll just say the words. Get them out and hopefully—
"Shane?" I breathe. She's not there. How can she not be there!? I glance around, my heart beating a million miles an hour to find the window open, the cold breeze wrapping around my chest like a blanket wrapped on too tight. I rush to the window and feel myself losing air. We're in the attic. Attic. High-up, can't-get-any-higher-attic. Oh god. If I see Shane dead or hanging herself, that's it. I'm done. Fuck this stupid life.
Thankfully, I don't see Shane. I don't see anything. Nothing. I glance down and notice a pipe. She's climbed down it. Great. She's run away and it's all my fault. Running back into the dorm room, I shove on shoes and a jacket and fly out the door, ignoring my roommate's confused cries. Nearly tripping over the tatty torn stairs, I rush past Causley's old office and shake at the big black doors leading to the exit. The doors come loose and I once again rush out, down the front steps onto the grassy field. Nothing. No Shane. No nothing.
"Shane!" I scream, tears welling in my eyes "Shane!". Oh god, please come back. Please come back. Don't leave me.
Turning around, I start running again. This time, towards the row of offices. Barging into Miss Watters office and seeing her head bent in a book nearly makes me scream.
"What's the matter?" Miss Watters asks, taking off the glasses perched on the end of her nose.
"Shane" I breathe painfully "She's gone, she left, run away, I can't find her—It's—It's all my fault!" right there and then I break down into a million tiny pieces and cry. Damn. I thought I was over this crying-thing already.
As Miss Watters tried to comfort me and send someone else out to find Shane, the numb feeling of dread in the bottom of my stomach wouldn't go away. That feeling that everything wouldn't be alright. Not this time.
I didn't know it then, I was young and still had some hope. That was the last I saw of Shane for a long time.
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"Yes" I nod, sipping at my hot tea and staring at nothing in particular. Miss Watters wrote something down on her notebook and went back to talking to the police. 2 hours later and still no sign of Shane. Or Jenny, Becky or Alice for that matter. They must have figured something was wrong... But a part of me is glad they're not here, their presence would just be a reminder of how it's my fault Shane ran away. And my fault, she's probably not coming back.
I'm not fooling myself. When Shane does something, she makes up her mind, there's no going back. There's a slim chance she'll come back but I'm trying to prepare myself for when the police turn around and say they've got nothing. No evidence. Nothing. Then they'll whisper and mutter something about how cursed this place is and walk off, shaking their heads.
God, this is so weird. I thought I was getting somewhere. Somewhere better. Somewhere different with Shane. I thought things were changing. I thought she had changed. I want her to. I want her to lie with me and tell me everything's going to be alright, even when it's not. And I want her to want all those things with me but, knowing Shane, she's not much for the commitment side of things. She hates marriage and her motto is 'kill yourself before you become whipped' crude and Shane, I know. To keep myself from worrying about where she is, I turn and make myself focus on something else.
A poster is lying on Miss Watters desk and once again, everything reminds me of Shane. It's the Christmas Play poster, the one where everyone is practically made to get stuck in. Except Becky, she has her ways... Shane was there when—Stop thinking about Shane. This isn't helping, my god. Miss Watters bends down and whispers something about the police trying to find her and that I should get some sleep. Ha. That'd be right. Still, I get up and walk towards the stairs I had once flew down in a blind flush of panic. Walking into the dorm is easy, it's been two hours already and everyone is asleep. Nearly tripping towards my bed isn't easy and neither is coming face to face with Shane's bed. It still smells like her. I let myself give in and crash down into her warm scent and cold bed. Wrapping myself in the covers, I close my eyes and try to pretend she's here.
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Blinking back the light of the stage and crowd, I walk on with Joseph following close behind. The stage is laid out neatly, chairs with fake straw and other girls dressed up in fake animal costumes. An angel is standing by the side of the stage, ready to say her lines. But, mine come first. Unfortunately. "We need a place to stay" I say firmly, not too loud, not too quiet.
"There is no room at the Inn" I hear her say. Turning to my Joseph, I sigh "We need to make room for the baby of Jesus, the son of God". Joseph nods "Yes, my wife is dear with child, the fate of the world rests on our son's shoulders, we must have room".
"There is a stable at the back of the Inn" the girl replies "Go there. You can stay the night".
"Thank you" I smile and follow Joseph around to the fake straw and stuffed animals. Gee, this real fun.
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"This is the son of God" I hold the plastic doll in my arms and then hand the doll to Joseph. The curtains are about to close so everybody on stage comes out and takes a bow as the crowd of female teachers and laughing girls over-take my ears. They applaud and we bow once more, watching as the curtain falls over to shield us. I sigh relief and slump back into a chair. Joseph takes off his fake beard and I see the artist formally known as Alice. She smiles politely and sits down beside me. I smile back. Or try too.
"You were good" I whisper.
Alice nods "Thanks, you too... Just glad it's over, y'know? All that rehearsing was beginning to be a pain in the butt!".
"Dunno" I shrug "Don't mind the distraction...".
"Mhmm" Alice hummed, reaching out to stroke my back. It's a comforting gesture that means more than it should.
"Carmen, you need to stop this" Alice sighs "Shane is gone, okay? She's gone, she's not coming back... She can't, Carm... It's not in her, once her mind is made up, it's made up... No-one can change that, babe... You've got to let it go and move on, hurting yourself won't help you, trust me, I know...".
"I don't know if I can let go" tears begin to swell in my eyes again.
"Carmen, it's been two months!" Alice nearly yells at me "The police found nothing, okay? She's not coming back!...".
I start crying now and Alice pulls me into her. "She's not coming back..." she whispered again softly.
Alice is right. It's been two months and I've heard nothing. Every little moment more is breaking my heart. Keeping myself busy with my grades, Christmas play, credit-grade projects, it's all just been a way of avoiding my feelings. Shane left me. And she's not coming back.
"Come on" Alice pulls me up "It's Christmas Day, we've got to get changed for Christmas Dinner, I hear they make a lovely toasted turkey...".
I laugh and let her pull me away. She's right. I can't dote on Shane any longer.
I've got to let her go.
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6 MONTHS LATER
It was a bright sunny morning. I was out sun-bathing on top of the roof with Papi, Becky and Jenny when Alice rushed in, breathing tight and eyes pained. My heart raced at the thought of news about Shane but a part of me knew it wouldn't be about that. "The building evaluation" Alice wheezed, gripping her hip "The test results came back positive, it's infected with poison and we'll have to move... building!".
"What?" I shriek "What if..." Shane comes back and finds us gone!? Alice gives me a tiny little look and I immediately remember. Right. Shane's not coming back. How could I even have thought she would come back, all she does is look out for number one...
"We have to collect some boxes from downstairs and start packing" Alice added "The van comes next week, we're all moving to the city! A school in the city! How cool is that?".
I force a smile and follow them out to start packing. My head races but all I can think about is Shane. Packing her stuff away in three boxes 7 months ago was hard but packing my own stuff from another place, another place that Shane knows nothing about... I feel like shouting and screaming and refusing to go but it's no use. My grades are finally up and I'm getting a scholarship for University. I should be thrilled, right? My future is secure and I'm meeting Kit for lunch next month. Things are looking up for me. What I can't help but worry about is Shane. What about her future and her life and her—Stop it Carmen!
My thoughts then head towards Alice. Dana's grave is just out by the lake. It's really pretty, she was out there couple times a week, planting flowers, taking out weeds, keeping Dana's headstone clean. How can she leave that behind? I won't ask her. I can't. It's too painful. But she moved on from Dana like I did with Shane so there's hope for us all yet, right?
Even now, as I pack what little things belong to me and me only, doubts and worries start to creep in. Like they always do. Insecurities always get the best of us, we don't want them too but somehow, somewhere, they always find a way of ruining what little blissful happiness we have. I look over and smile at Alice quickly before continuing to pack. Maybe this is what I need. A fresh start. A new beginning. A new surrounding from this castle. A new place where I can recreate myself. Without Shane. I want somewhere with Shane though. So badly, I would trade everything just to see her again. Touch her. Feel her. Hold her.
Like Alice said, next week we're all moving and everything bad that happened here will be left behind. Everything that made us cry and laugh and love and feel will be gone. And all we'll have is an empty new building and fresh ideas.
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And still, nothing's any better.
A/N:
Hey, hope you all like the direction I'm going in now, don't worry, Shane's coming back, of course! )
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