Part 16
*
I found her out by Dana's grave. Sitting there, knees bunched up and hair a mess. She was crying silently and muttering something I couldn't make out. I came closer, my converses stained with mud. She knew I was there and wouldn't raise her head. That's okay, I didn't need her too. I could see the lines of regret and tiredness in her body position. Going closer once more, I held my breath. Tread carefully, I reminded myself.
I was now inches away from her shaken form. Her breathing had gotten heavier. Wincing, I reached out and placed my hand on her back. She didn't jump up or push me away so I was just happy with that.
Then I heard that voice I hadn't heard for so, so, long.
"Carmen".
I tensed and spun around. I pursed my lips and folded my arms.
"Shane".
*
2 Days Ago
*
"I can't leave her!" Alice screeched "I just can't! I don't even know why we're leaving to go to a new stupid fucking building, why, fucking why!?".
"Alice!" I grabbed hold of her arms and shook her gently, "Alice, Dana was gone a long, long, time ago, okay? She's always gonnah be with you, I promise".
This was the 5th time Alice had started to freak out about leaving Dana's grave behind here. Everything here was practically packed up and the vans had already come to pick up the larger stuff but another van was coming in a couple of days for our smaller stuff.
"I've got some vodka" Becky piped up, "If you want" she quickly added.
I turn and glare at Becky, "Not helping" I growled. I'd never usually turn down alcohol but from experience, it probably wouldn't help.
"Guys, I need your opinion" Jenny waltzed into the room, holding two pairs of thongs. She waved the red pair in our faces and then the yellow.
"Never and never" Becky pouted.
Jenny glared, "Why!? What's wrong with them?".
"Can you say whore?" I added, turning quickly back to Alice.
"But I am a whore!" Jenny whined, "I mean, that's like saying to Barbie, 'don't love ken' cause y'know, she does love Ken".
"Oh please" Becky rolled her eyes, "We all know that Ken used to be a chick called Kim".
"That's true" Jenny nodded, holding up the red pair in front of her.
Alice began to laugh.
*
"I'm sorry" I stood, "But how many boxes do you actually need?" I watched Becky pop up another box.
"So I have a lot of stuff" Becky shrugged.
"Mostly sex toys and alcohol?" Jenny pondered.
"Pretty much" Becky nodded.
"Becky, come help me chose!" Jenny appeared from the bathroom doorway. Becky laughed and followed Jenny back into the bathroom.
I smirked and went over to sit next to Alice. "Hey" I nudged her gently, "You okay?".
"Yeah" Alice nodded slowly. There was silence between us for a long time until I heard her whisper, "Do you ever think about her?".
I knew exactly who she was talking about.
"Dana?" I frowned, "Course, lots of time, usually when we're doing sports and—".
"Carmen" Alice cuts me off, "You know who I'm talking about".
Suddenly, the little bit of string that has came undone on my shirt becomes of great interest. "Sometimes" I mumble, head low, wanting this to be over as quickly as possible. Oh please, please, let it be over.
"I bet she thinks about you" Alice whispered back, "All the time".
My head shoots up. This, I find impossible to believe. Because if Shane really cared about me or thought about me at all, she would come back and let me know she was at least, I don't know, alive.
"Carmen" Alice smiled, "You're doing that face that says you're totally talking to yourself in your head again".
"Sorry" I laugh feebly, "Old habit, can't be helped".
"I'm telling you—" Becky emerged from the bathroom with Jenny, "—The red one suits you completely".
"Really?" Jenny frowned, "Because, I don't know, yeah, red is a confident colour but at the same time, yellow is bright and alive".
"Red is the colour of love" Becky said with a happy smile.
"Oh please" I roll my eyes, "Red is the colour of lust, love is something that happens when you're so incredibly happy, your heart feels devoted to one person alone until you realise that person is a commitment-phobic whore, of course" I smile wryly.
"I'm so glad you're over Shane" Becky smiled falsely, "You're so lucky you haven't let it affect you at all!".
"Sarcasm?" I smirk, "Ohh, you got me there".
"Okay, guys stop, please" Alice stood, "Can we just not bite each other's heads off, please? Let's just finish this damn packing".
And with that, and another eye roll from Becky, we went back to packing in silence.
*
I dreamt about her that night. For the first time in months, I actually dreamt about her. We were walking through fields, and I kept trying to talk to her but every time she would look away and then run. I would never find her again.
I woke in a sweat. About to go sneak into the kitchen to make some coffee, I glanced over to Dana's bed and found she was gone. Checking the bathroom, and the other beds, I concluded she must also be in the kitchen. She wasn't there when I looked. She wasn't anywhere. Then it clicked. Of course. There was only one place she could be.
I pried the doors open and the cold air hit me. Wearing an over-sized purple top and baggy joggies, with nothing but my worn-out converses, I braved the cold wind. Getting closer, I could almost see her figure, sitting by Dana's grave. Once I was yards away, I knew it was her. But somewhere new happened. I realised I hadn't been out in this field for ages. This field where I spent my second day here outside in the freezing cold because we had all got drunk, this field where Cal—his name makes me want to throw up. Before I'd even reached Alice, the flashbacks started and I felt dizzy.
"That's it!" Cal announces, agitated "Stand up, now!".
I feel weak now. I try open my mouth to shout Alice but no sound comes out. I try stumble forwards and end up collapsing on my knees.
Cal shakes his head "Nobody crosses me, nobody!".
I turn my head and end up throwing up. I feel sick to my stomach and hear footsteps approach me. My heart starts hammering. It's him, isn't it? He's back from the dead to finish me off...
"Carmen!" Alice grips my shoulders, "Are you okay?".
I begin to shake uncontrollably. My memories pull me back there again.
Oh no. Slow-motion again. He raises the gun, clicks it into place. My heart races and I grip hands with Dana.
He's yelling, shouting, near tears... No-one can reason with him now, he's too gone... Out of it—
5...
Don't think, Carmen. Run!
4...
Shane'll be fine.
3...
Alice'll be fine.
2...
Jenny'll be fine.
1...
Bang.
"Dana!".
"Dana!" I scream, my throat raw. The next thing I know, everything goes black.
*
When I wake up, I'm in the nurse's room. Alice is sitting across from me, reading a magazine. I sigh and sit up. She looks up and smiles.
"Finally" Alice smiles, "What took you so long?".
"What happened?" I take a glass of water she offers me and swallow it down.
"I went to visit Dana's grave and heard someone throw up behind me" Dana smiles sadly, "I turn around and find you shaking, scared, then you passed out".
"How did I get back here?" I frown.
"I practically dragged you back" Dana bites her lip, "Then I went and woke the nurse. She said it sounded like shock, so I should just leave you to wake up".
"Thanks for dragging me back here" I smiled weakly.
"That's okay" Alice reached out to hug me, "So what happened back there?".
"I flashbacked" I sighed, "To Dana and..." I can't even bring myself to say his name.
Alice tensed and looked down.
"Sorry" I mumble.
Alice pulled me back in for another hug. "It's okay, I miss her too". My body felt weak but I was glad to have Alice hugging me. And for the rest of the time we stayed in the nurse's office, the silence was addictive.
*
Making my way up to the dorm with Alice in front of me, it had hit me. So I had issues with what happened there with Dana but with so much shit going on, I must have just buried it way and tried to pretend. Now every time I think of Dana's grave, I think of that field and where she died. Which is really crappy, because I was planning to say goodbye to her before the van and bus and whatever the fucking else is coming to take us to our new building.
Opening the door, I feel shocked. Everything in here is well and truly packed up. All I left out was a worn-out pair of jeans and a blue baggy top for today. Dragging myself out of my pyjamas and throwing on a fresh bra, I changed and decided to roll my hair into a messy bun. Automatically I shoved my pyjamas into one of my cardboard boxes and sat back down on my bed.
Jenny was still fretting over which thong to wear and Becky was trying to decide if she wanted to wear her 2-inch skirt or her 3-inch skirt. Can you tell which one she went with? Yep, my thoughts exactly. Donning a red belt practically, she pranced about in black boots and a white shirt that couldn't have been buttoned lower. Alice just went for her casual jeans and a top.
I knew we weren't leaving until night so I choose to sleep at this time. I heard the dorm door open and close a couple times so I guess somebody either left or came back but I couldn't be bothered looking as my body mustn't have gotten enough rest when I passed out because all I remember is my eyes shutting close as soon as my head hit the pillow.
And this time, I didn't dream of her.
I didn't dream of anything.
*
Okay, that's a lie. I just couldn't remember most of it at first. I dreamt I was swimming in this clear cool beautiful river, and on either side were thousands of flowers and green-coloured plants and exotic trees. The sun was shining and there wasn't a cloud in the sky. Friendly fish swam under me (okay, I know it's a little kid-dish but it's not like I can control my dreams, right?), and lily-pads were left right and centre. Then something bad happened. The sky darkened and thunder and lightning broke out, the friendly fish disappeared and all the exotic plant life started to die away.
What's worse was I felt myself going under. Right under. I was drowning. I felt myself running out of breath but luckily must of fell out of bed from moving about so much because next thing I know, I'm on the floor next to my bed, the covers still wrapped around me. Yep, my breathing's just as shallow and heavy as in my dream. I glance at the clock and see that it's 6.14pm. Well, that explains why nobody else is in the dorm. They must be getting food. 6pm is the hotspot for food.
Pulling myself out of bed, I stumble down the stairs and find practically everyone in the dining hall, eating. I make my way through to our usual table and plonk myself down in front of Becky and Jenny. Alice is sitting next to me and has her head lowered down. She must still be feeling raw from the situation of leaving Dana's grave behind.
"When do the buses come?" I ask, my voice dry probably because I was speaking the first time since I had woken up.
"9 I think" Becky replied, mouth full of pasta.
"Great" I say meekly.
"Y'know, I never really knew how much I'm gonnah miss this place" Jenny blurted out, gazing around the dining hall, "I have so many memories here".
"Me too" Alice sighed painfully.
"I can't wait to leave this dump" Becky added in.
"What about you, Carmen?" Jenny asked me.
I frowned. I'm sad to be leaving this place because a) it's got my only memories of Shane and b) it's the first place I've ever really felt at home in, except from Kit's. But, I suppose, moving away will help me get over Shane once and for all. It's not what I want but it's the only option I got.
I shrug, "Suppose something new would be nice, change of scenery".
Alice breathed in deeply, "I'm going get some fresh air" she stood and walked away.
"Poor thing" Becky pouted, "She hasn't been right at all recently" she turned to Jenny, "Why do you think that is?".
I shook my head and rolled my eyes. Is she fucking kidding? I stood and walked away, leaving them to ponder their little Barbie Girl head's away. Walking out of the dining hall, I felt relieved. It was quieter in the corridors and I could think better.
"Carmen" a voice called me.
I spun around and saw Papi running towards me. "Hey" she smiled, a little breathless, "I saw you leaving, I wanted to talk to you".
"Yeah?" I replied.
"I'm leaving" Carmen smiled again, "When we get to the city, I'm leaving for a job at a Magazine's, receptionist".
"What?" I gaped, "Papi, that's... That's amazing... What about your exams?".
"My results from my prelims were good enough" Papi shrugged, "I'll just use them but I really want this job and the school is going to try get me a flat and they said they'd pay for half the rent! Can you believe that!?".
I found myself hugging Papi again, "Oh my god, this is just... Wow, it's a little overwhelming but I'm really happy for you, Papi".
"Thanks Carmen" Papi replied, "It's just... I wanted to tell that in case I don't get a chance to say it again, thank you for everything".
I'm stunned. "Thank you?" I laughed, "For what?".
"For making me a better person, Carmen" Papi beamed, "I mean it, you changed me".
"God!" I struggle to fight back tears and pull her in for another hug.
"I better go" Papi pulls away, "Got last minute packing to do" she laughs, "You're a special person, Carmen, never forget that".
I watch her turn and walk away. My feet take me towards the doors and I'm suddenly walking the field, ready to face my fears. Fuck my issues and fuck Cal. He can go to hell. I'm going to say goodbye to Dana and someone else.
*
I found her out by Dana's grave. Sitting there, knees bunched up and hair a mess. She was crying silently and muttering something I couldn't make out. I came closer, my converses stained with mud. She knew I was there and wouldn't raise her head. That's okay, I didn't need her too. I could see the lines of regret and tiredness in her body position. Going closer once more, I held my breath. Tread carefully, I reminded myself.
I was now inches away from her shaken form. Her breathing had gotten heavier. Wincing, I reached out and placed my hand on her back. She didn't jump up or push me away so I was just happy with that.
Then I heard that voice I hadn't heard for so, so, long.
"Carmen".
I tensed and spun around. I pursed my lips and folded my arms.
"Shane".
There she was. In all her skinny glory. Hair still sticking out in all the right places, wearing black skinny jeans and baby shams. Her silver waist-coat clung to her body and she was looking as smug and confident as ever.
Alice had gotten up from Dana's grave to stand beside me, looking probably as shocked as I am.
But then, my eyes drifted. Not over Shane's body or her eyes, but the petite red-head girl who was standing next to her.
Author's Note:
Hey, thanks again to all readers who are still sticking with this story, very much appreciated (:
Hope you enjoy the new part and the ending ;)
ps - all spelling mistakes will be fixed tomorrow :)
x