Typical Disclaimers Apply

A/N: Sorry for not updating for the last few weeks! I've been away from my laptop, but now I'm back with a new chapter! Thanks to Tootsiepop254, Azrulai, ., sjrodgers108, RadicalReason, Mel, and LunaLovegood1117 for reviewing!

"Esmeralda Slain?" The pretty man with a clipboard and big teeth was looking at her, clearly confused. Defense Against the Dark Arts meant the same thing year after year: an idiotic new professor who would give the students anything they wanted, as long as they knew how to get it. Gilderoy Lockhart normally wouldn't have been any different, but this year Esme had a goal.

"Yep!" Before he could respond she added, "Direct descendant of Marcus Slain, the infamous mate of You-Know-Who." Lockhart stared at her for a few moments, along with several other students in the class, then turned away, shuddering a bit.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" hissed Tonks, right in Esme's ear.

"Severus said that if I got rid of him he would find me a job. I figure he meant by any means necessary."

"Didn't Dumbledore tell us third year that using our lineage to scare people is unethical?"

"That was when we were telling kids we were the incarnations of evil. This is totally different. I'm making the world a better place."

"That's what you said last time," Tonks mumbled, but Professor Pretty-Boy had started talking, causing Esme to totally forget her best friend.

"Now," he was saying, the light of the classroom almost bouncing off of his teeth, "can anyone here tell me how to perform a proper memory modification charm?" Before anyone, even Rachel Cohen, even got a chance to raise their hands, Esme had leaped up, brandishing her wand, and shouted, "Obliviate!" Lockhart was so shocked he barely had time to duck. The spell hit so close to his head that it ruffled several of his perfectly coiffed hairs, and he let out a rather girlish shriek. He came up, looking utterly gobsmacked. "I'm sorry, I thought you wanted us to demonstrate it," she said innocently. "I mean, I thought you asked because you didn't know the spell and needed someone to show you it."

Lockhart had stopped looking like such a Pretty-Boy, and now looked rather angry. "Now really, has any teacher ever taught like that?"

"Yes?" Lockhart gave her a curious look, paused for a second, then went on talking about one of his books.

"So close," Esme muttered, sitting back in her seat.

"You know, he really shouldn't be too hard to get rid of," said Esme as she watched the head table sadly.

"Snape?" asked Maura, looking up from her sandwich. "I wouldn't try to get him sacked, Esme. I'm sure hundreds of students have tried and failed before you."

"Not Snape," said Esme. "He and I are best friends now. I mean Lockhart."

"She tried to Obliviate him during class today," Claire added, bemused. "Needless to say..." she trailed off, gesturing to the highly animated man attempting to converse with McGonagall.

"All of our other Defense Against the Dark Arts professors have gotten rid of themselves," said Maura. "Maybe you just need to be patient."

"I don't know," sighed Esme. "I mean, clearly he doesn't have You-Know-Who on the back of his head, and I don't think he's hitting on all the girls like Professor McEllan did."

Claire snorted, "And clearly being attacked by students doesn't scare him like it did Professor Andrews."

"Of course it wouldn't, after all of the things he's seen and done," said Maura, her eyes wide. "I mean, you're scary Esme, don't get me wrong, but you're no where near as frightening as a werewolf or a banshee." Esme rolled her eyes, but Maura didn't seem to catch it. "Why do you even want to get rid of him? He's so brave, and clever, and charming..."

"He screamed like a girl when Esme cursed him," Claire muttered under her breath.

"Snape said that if I can get rid of him, then he'll make sure I have a great job lined up after we graduate."

"I think there are better ways to get Snape on your side, Esme," said Claire, grinning. "For example, quitting his class and choosing a completely different field of study just might make him fall in love with you."

Esme pulled a face. "That's disgusting, Claire. Anyway, we all know that Flitwick's much more my type."

"So, how's your day been going, Severus?" asked Esme cheerfully as she stirred in a handful of lacewing flies.

Snape sighed, putting his newspaper down again. It wasn't often that students chose to study Potions; he'd been teaching for eleven years and Esme was only the fourth serious student he'd had. It was an extremely difficult subject and he typically did all the best he could to make them quit after fifth year. Typically he'd lie back and relax, perhaps read a book, while all of his colleagues struggled to keep papers graded and lesson plans laid out.

So of course, to keep things balanced, he was given the most annoying student in the history of time.

When he didn't answer her first question she went on to ask. "What's your favorite color? Mine's blue, because it matches my eyes. Also I like red, purple, orange, teal, and magenta. You know, you would look fabulous in magenta, Severus. It really sets off pale skin tone, and your skin really is quite pale. You should go outside more often. Tonks and I tan on the weekends outside by the lake, and I'm sure she really wouldn't mind if you joined us. Women like men with a healthy glow to their skin, you know. It would probably be much easier for you to pick up birds at pubs and such if you had a bit of a tan. Do you date, Severus? I used to date but then I decided..." it went on and on until the entire dungeon began to reek of rotten eggs.

With about fifteen minutes left in the session, Snape finally strode over to Esme's desk, his nostrils recoiling in horror. "What in God's name are you doing?"

"Potions."

"This isn't what I assigned you."

"I'm expressing myself creatively, Severus. And no teacher should ever staunch a student's creativity."

"No teacher should allow their students to call them by their first names. Twenty points from Gryffindor." He made to vanish the potion, but Esme shrieked, "NO!"

"Excuse me?"

"I'm keeping it."

"Why?"

"That isn't your business."

"I dare say it is."

"Well, if you must know, this potion is a powerful reliever of pre-menstrual syndrome," she said primly, ladling some of the concoction into a pink bottle. It was clear as water, but smelled like death, and Esme had to hold back vomit as it passed under her nose. Her words had had the desired effect though, as Snape had flushed quite pink and muttered something about it being fine if she kept it.

Of course, he would regret his decision the next day when Lockhart came in, smiling as usual, smelling as if he'd rolled around in roadkill.

A/N: Is it good? Is it bad? Is it so terrifically awful I should delete my account and go into hiding?