Part 20
*
My new classes were long and intense but on the up side, they were more fun to learn in. Plus, some of the people were friendly, some were really friendly and other people, well, you can't change people, I guess. I'd caught brief glances of Shane throughout the day but I had a feeling she was trying to avoid me. I had decided to blow off all my afternoon classes because a) I couldn't be bothered and b) I wanted just wanted to fall back into sleep. But instead, I found myself walking outside the back garden of Trinity Academy.
It had nice garden scenery and it reminded of St. Rosemary's. When we were back in Oakland, we still had the good weather and amazing views but now, starting anew in West Hollywood, the weather was hotter and the views were... Well, still good but I was kind of missing the countryside. At least we didn't leave California altogether, that, I don't think I could handle. My mind wandered onto the fact that Shane had came back the very same day we were leaving for here, I mean... weird or what?
I had tried to think back to the times back at St. Rosemary's, when I had first met Shane and she was this enigmatic, mysterious person to me and then we had developed feelings for each other and then we wound up hurting each other over and over again and I realised I probably should probably stop. But underneath those dark clouded eyes, spiky brown hair, smouldering body, she was so much more.
She was funny, ironic, honest, kind, understanding, timeless, she was epic. Yeah, she has her flaws, we all do, but when she came back from her 'trip', she was more mature, honest, more Shane than I could ever imagine. Her style hadn't changed, just her personality. So I couldn't beat around the bush here, I loved her, of course I did. After everything we'd been through, how could I not? She was the other half of me, I couldn't live without her.
So maybe I should tell her? I mean, I'm 99.9% sure she wouldn't reject me but it's not even about that... It's about letting her know that even though she hurt me and I mean, really bad, I still wanted her to know that I loved her and I couldn't see anybody else taking her place. Not ever. When I was quizzing Violet about Lana, I was curious, some people are just so interesting that you want to know more, but I must admit, I kind of cringed when Violet 'warned' me off Lana. No offence to her, but knowing the previous Jenny, the bitchy Queen Bee, I couldn't really see myself involved with that again.
I hadn't been to all my classes yet I didn't know if I had any classes with Shane yet or at all but I was hopeful. Now that we didn't share a dorm, classes and lunch was all that would hold us together under the pretence of 'just friends', which is hard because Shane and I have never been just friends. Even from the very beginning, there was always something there. I stopped by a small pond, with flowers around them and smiled. It reminded me of the lake by the field back at St. Rosemary's. Even though it was the place where Dana had been shot, it was still a happy memorable place for her.
I would kind of miss sleeping next to her or waking up and the first thing I would see is her or hear her voice or just watch her when she's asleep without her knowing. There'd be times when I woke up and I was in her bed, wrapped in her arms and times when I woke up and found her in my bed, both without the memory of how we winded up there. Soaking up the usual heat and letting it wash over me, I felt a sense of calm I hadn't had before. Hadn't had in a really long time.
I just wanted to forget everything bad that had happened and just move on and damn it, I wanted Shane as well. God, I hadn't held her in... Well, since the bus-toilet incident but even then, it was getting ridiculous. She can't avoid me forever. Had she forgotten about lunch times? Just then, as if by magic, the school bell rang and I spun around.
Time for lunch.
*
"Hey guys" I slid down next to Becky, Alice and Joanie at a lunch table in the large hall. They were eating... salad? Probably one thing I hate about it here, everything seems so... proper, healthy, strict..? The hall was filling up and I glanced around, looking for a particular girl. I couldn't wait to find her now. Just see her and hold her and smell her hair and look into those eyes that I adore. When I didn't see Shane, I quickly scanned the crowd for Jenny, but couldn't seem to find her.
"Where's Shane?" I couldn't help but blurt out. Alice looked surprised, while Becky fumbled with her salad and Joanie kept her eyes glued to the table. Joanie still hadn't been talking to me and to be honest, I didn't really give a fuck. Joanie could ring circles around herself for all I cared. She drew further back into her seat and tried hard not to be noticed. As I would say anything to her, all I wanted was to find Shane.
"I'm not sure" Alice admitted, eyes worried, "She didn't turn up for Maths, or English... But I saw her heading out back in the morning, probably for a fag or something, I wouldn't worry" even though that's what she said, I knew it's not what she believed. Like me, Alice cared for Shane a lot and I bet that she was just as frantic on the inside as I was about Shane's whereabouts. Even though Shane had came back a more mature, independent young adult, I still worried she would up and leave again. That thought and fear never left me.
"I'll be back soon" I stood; "If you see Shane or Jenny, tell them to find me" I walked away towards the back door and walked down some stairs. As I walked on the pebbles and then grass that led me to the back of the school, I found exactly what I'd been looking for. Sitting down against the wall in the corner with a half-smoked fag in her right hand, Shane looked fucking irresistible. She clocked eyes with me as I walked forwards.
"Hey" I sat down next to her and my heart skipped a beat when I got a whiff of her scent as a gentile wind blew towards us. She looked sad, defeated and all I wanted to do was wrap my arms around her. But I scared she would get mad at me. I was the one to tell her we could just friends and I felt like a complete idiot telling her I wanted us to be 'us' again.
"Hi" Shane replied, quiet. She took another draw out of her fag and then threw it away. Blowing the smoke out of her mouth, she leaned against the wall and sighed. "Are you happy I'm back?" she asked suddenly. Her question threw me completely. Out of all of the things I thought she was going to say, that was not in the top five.
"Of course" I whispered back, "You can't possibly imagine how much it hurt to lose you and then how happy I was when I got you back...". I looked in her eyes and waited. All I wanted was to kiss her but...
"When I was away" Shane breathed, "All I could about was you, all I wanted was you and every single night, I'd cry myself to sleep, thinking about you, dreaming about you, pretending that we were a couple and that we had our own house and we were... We were married" a few rare tears fell from her eyes and she shook her head, "Stupid, really".
"It's not stupid!" I felt my heart warm to her and smiled. "It's... It's amazing... When you were gone, I slept in your bed for two weeks and refused to leave it, I only remember getting up to pee and to eat" I laughed dryly, "I earned the nickname 'Carmen the Hermit' for two months".
"You did?" She sounds surprised. Did she not know how much she means to me? How much I need her in my life? Need her to keep me sane and whole and feel... normal? Need her because I love her so much it hurts to breath?
"Of course" I nodded slowly, "It was torture carrying on, Shane... All I wanted to do was run out and look for you but then another part of me only wanted to curl up and die because I knew you weren't coming back".
"Carmen" Shane whispered painfully. She looked like she had just reframed herself from hugging me but she couldn't be more wrong. All I wanted was her arms around me.
"Carmen, I never meant for you to feel like that" Shane explained, "I never meant to hurt you like I did... It was a horrible impulsive selfish mistake and if I could take it back, I would".
"I know" I nodded, tears of my own slipping out, "God Shane, you have no idea how much I hated my life before I met you, I was angry, bitter, tired and then you... You showed me how to love and fight for something worth believing in... You showed me a better way to live...".
"Carmen, I severely fucked you up" Shane gaped in disbelief, "I hurt you and hurt you, over and over again, I ran away and just when you were healing your heart, I show up, hurting you more... I haven't done anything to your life then make it worse".
I smiled vaguely, "You done a lot more than that, Shane McCutcheon, I mean it, despite everything we've gone through... I wouldn't change it for the world".
Shane shook her head, "All I am is a disappointment to myself, to you, to anyone who's ever cared about me or shown interest... All I do is fuck things up and screw people over and just hurt the people I love the most" she stared at me and my stomach flipped over.
"I don't believe that" I sighed, "I think that's just a mask to cover up that deep down, behind all the sex and the drugs and the alcohol, deep, deep, down, you're just a sad lonely little girl who wants to be loved".
Shane let a brief smirk cross her lips and nodded, "Yep, maybe" she paused, "...Or maybe, I'm just destined to end up alone, as a result of my negative energy and playboy attitude".
"You will not end up alone!" I laughed.
"Really?" Shane cocked her eyebrow, "Well, the only girl I'll ever love doesn't want me back so... I really don't see any other option".
My breath caught. As I glanced in Shane's direction, I met her piercing gaze. "I love your eyes" I blurted out and then mentally hit myself. Good one, Carmen.
Shane laughed, "What?".
"They're dark and penetrating" I explained, "Mysterious, just like you... They're like winter" I concluded, "Cold and sometimes unbearable but fun and easy to love".
Shane kept her gaze on me the whole time as I smiled quietly and whispered, "Winter Eyes". Slowly, I felt her trembling hand placed on my upper back and shivers immediately rippled through me. Her touch was like ice and fire and everything amazing all rolled into one.
"I missed you so much" she came up behind me and wrapped her arms around my waist, pulling my back into her front to fit perfectly. I fell into her shoulder and she buried her head into the crook of my neck. It was so blissful, settling in her arms, feeling so peaceful and loved. Without having to rush anything or feel obligated to tell her how I feel, the gentile wind and powerful heat were just purely enough, wrapped in Shane's arms.
I hadn't felt this content in ages.
Author's Note: No, don't be silly, it was always be 110% Sharmen! :D It can't be any other, it just can't. Thank you to everyone who reviewed, you really have no idea how much a big part of the story you really are, without you, I don't think I'd have the inspiration to continue so thanks sooo much :) x