Just a few words.
A few words uttered so casually sent me into an oblivion. I was worried I was falling into a trap. I kept telling myself I was just being paranoid and the social depravity was wearing on my nerves, making them frayed and sensitive. I had been rounding the corner, keeping close to the wall to avoid making physical contact with anyone, especially Bella. But then again, fete didn't owe me, I had to suffer like the rest of them. I let out a gust of breath when I was finally out of earshot from Bella and the other kid.
What was his name? I didn't know. I felt cold all over, Bella smiled at me like I was a freaking life preserve. I shook my head, clearing my thoughts, knowing I was completely overreacting. It was just shock. Shock from being touched for the first time in months. Even if it was just a brush of skin, not even skin against skin in this case.
I ran into her in the hallway—literally.
She barged into me, I had to catch her so she wouldn't fall over, most likely be fussed over for the rest of the day.
I could tell she wouldn't find that too comfortable, well, at least I wouldn't. I had probably scared her with my aloofness. I didn't expect she would tolerate me for much longer. When I realised how obsessed I seemed to be about a few words shared in the hallway at school, I rolled my eyes at myself.
Though I know I did tend to over analyse things. I met with my table again, alone. I listened to my IPod, not really caring what song it was, just to drown out the buzzing conversation around me. But I couldn't turn the music loud enough. I didn't know what it was, maybe because I had been watching people from the side lines for so long, never being involved, I had become exceptionally observant, or intuitive. Across the room were a girl and a boy who seemed to be having a lover's quarrel.
I stared, despite my disgust for their petty and trivial dramas, I was still intrigued. I couldn't quite hear them properly, but I got the gist of the conversation. The boy was asking why the girl had blown him off over the weekend. She was trying to change the topic, brushing off his question, telling him he was looking too far into it.
I smirked. Right. She took a defensive stance, crossing her arms across her chest and refused to look him in the eye. This was a piece of cake to decipher.
Did he not know she was cheating on him? It was obvious to me. Her eyes, her posture—everything said guilt. It was written all over her face, almost as if I could pluck the thoughts from her head. I should go over there and just lay the truth out on the table for them. Get it over with before it got ugly.
But I knew I didn't have the strength or interest to approach them. I pitied the boy, felt a slight pang of sympathy. He seemed nice enough from afar. But then, it did get ugly. He slammed his hand down on the table with a loud smack, turning the attention of everyone in the room to them.
The girl looked around sheepishly, and glared back at him, hissing something under her breath. I assumed it was something along the lines of "Stop it! You jackass!". I chuckled. She stood up from her chair then, storming out of the room in a gust of tears and squealed apologies. The boy—weak and crumbling—followed after her to comfort her and probably take her back, although I knew she would cheat again. It was clear already. She was only sorry because he found out, had he not, of course she would have continued.
Her blonde hair only reminded me of how evil she was. I smiled to myself—not a real, uplifting, relieving smile. Just a remnant of what my smiles used to look like. I doubted I would ever be that happy. I could settle with neutrality. That, at least, was better than full blown, clinical depression. Maybe one day, I might be able to be content—not happy, but content. Settled. It was a long shot at the moment, but I only had time, right? I sighed, looking for another outlet for my boredom.
My eyes, not planning to, rested on the same table as yesterday. Instead of examining Bella, I looked around her table. Another two blonde girls—I shuddered. One had her fingers twirling through her incredibly long blonde curls, watching her boyfriend down a gigantic sandwich with pure love and just a tinge of disgust. I pursed my lips. The boy, he seemed oblivious, but happy. A need-to-know type of guy. I moved on. There was another couple across from them.
One was tall, but not as big as the first guy. He wasn't as muscular either and he was a blonde. The girl who was hanging off his arm was short, incredibly tiny, but too feminine to be younger than seventeen. She could barely reach her boyfriends ear to whisper in it. Something profound, I guessed, better than mushy shallow stuff. I sighed, my eyes roaming. They landed on the other blonde female. She seemed to notice my stare, looking up and smiling at me. I looked away, bored. Nothing new there. The girl next to her had longish, curly light brown hair. She was fairly pretty, but had an edge. A bitchy edge, venomous but not as bad as the girl next to her.
I shuddered again and kept looking. There was a short-ish lanky boy and an innocent looking girl next to him. They were real. Not in a relationship for the hell of it, for the novelty. They were in it because they were into it. I could see it. Then next to Angela sat the boy who's name I didn't know.
The one that was with Bella in the hall before. He had spiky, blonde hair. I usually only took a disliking to blonde females. But this kid was just...I didn't know. But I knew I didn't like him, not a speck of good will felt toward him. This was perplexing, kind of frightening, what was more frightening was because I didn't know why. Then lastly, I let my eyes drift to Bella. I stopped, stared at her blatantly, waiting to feel the intuitiveness that enveloped me when I observed anyone.
Nothing. I couldn't get one ounce of feeling from her, no vibes, nothing. It was like she was a blank spot on a road, unreadable, unexpected. She was a void in my head. I couldn't figure out what she was thinking, what she was feeling, why she was spinning the bottle cap of her soda bottle on the table—out of boredom or she thought it was fun?
Was she concentrating on it? Trying to ignore the babble like me? I shook my head and went back to picking my food apart. She was a lost cause, something put on earth to intrigue people. I didn't have the strength or the merit for that.
***
I puzzled over my English homework until Carlisle came into my room.
He told me he was off to a business conference in Seattle. He wouldn't be back until next Saturday. I relished in the thought of being alone in the house. Then my cheerfulness dulled. I realised I was alone. I frowned and slumped back down on the bed.
It had been a month and a half after my arrival to this god forsaken town, I hadn't made any progress. So much for achieving normalcy. I sighed, shifted around for a bit, fidgeted uncomfortably when Carlisle told me to take care of myself and waited till I heard his BMW pull out of the driveway.
I revelled in the complete silence, liking it for a while, then turned on some music. I didn't like to be too alone with my thoughts. I finished up my homework for the week by four, nothing to do now.
I didn't have friends bugging me to hang out with them, no missed phone calls so I sat down in the living room and sifted through the ton of satellite channels Carlisle had.
I made myself a sandwich, eating it slowly then watched some more T.V for a couple of hours before drifting off to sleep on the couch.
I woke with a start, I must have rolled onto the remote, changing it onto some movie on, Dracula, I realised.
I switched it off and dragged myself up the stairs to get ready for another day of nothingness. I ended up at school, like every other morning, closing and locking my door, checking it was locked, like every morning and leant against the door, waiting for the bell to sound.
I scanned the parking lot for her.
*lip trembles, eyes all teary* please? please can I have some reviews?