If this is what it felt like. Being in love.
Then I was damn sure I had never been in love before.
And I knew that I would rather be killed than lose it. That fact was for certain. But unrequited love...? What did someone do when the affections you held were one-sided, only you felt them, the other person didn't. In this case, I was absolutely sure that Bella did not feel this way about me.
How could any normal person fall in love like this? The answer was that they didn't. Because I was not normal.
And to be quite honest, neither was Bella. Where I was under the bar, she rose above it. She wasn't normal, she was extraordinary, I wasn't normal, but I wasn't better either. I made it home without veering into a tree, thankfully. My mind was in a twist. My thoughts were all over the place. I needed to get a hold of myself. I wonder what Bella was doing right now. I could call her...? No. That would be stupid. I hardly know her, its not like I can go roaming through the phonebook, that's just...creepy.
She was probably fine. Despite chanting that sentence in my head, I was a mess. I was a mess because different scenarios were running through my imagination. I considered going over there after school, but that was before my epiphany, my fucking revelation. And besides, I didn't know where she lived.
Of course, her friends would know, but they wouldn't want to tell me. They hardly knew me, it's not like they go giving Bella's address to any weirdo that asks for it. I hit a pot plant off the porch in frustration. Damnit.
I should pick that up. Later. I stormed inside, dropping my book bag by the stairs. "Carlisle?" my voice echoed, reverberating off the expanse of walls in this enormous house. "I'm home." He came walking down the stairs then, stopping close enough so I could see him. He smiled in welcome. "How was school?" I shrugged.
"It was fine. Uh, good, actually." The fact that I called something good, plastered a huge grin across his face. I felt quite giddy myself.
Aside from the fact that I was in love with a girl I didn't deserve, who had been sexually assaulted, and who probably doesn't feel the same way, but I was still going to wait on her hand and foot until she begged me to leave her alone, but only after I beat the shit out of Jacob Black. But, yeah, aside from that.
Although the beating part was going to feel good. "Um, anyway," I started talking again, growing uncomfortable with the way he was staring.
"I'm gonna take a walk, if you don't mind." He nodded straight away. "Sure. But, oh, um, just be careful, the trails can get a bit dodgy." I nodded as I strode toward the back door through the kitchen. I sucked in a breath, letting it fill my lungs, enjoying the freshness of the air, slightly fragrant with what smelt like tulips and roses.
Esme must have planted those, because Carlisle wouldn't have invested his time in his garden. Plus, he was too macho. I chuckled.
I circled the outdoor dining table, my feet meeting the soft grass. I strolled casually down to where the forest ebbed on our lawn.
The green of the grass faded slightly as it sloped to the trees. The trail was off to the right. Following it, I set a pace, just walking slowly, taking in my surroundings, not being ignorant of everything around me. I had reached a point where I couldn't see the white mansion anymore.
Carlisle was probably watching me from his third story study room, his nose pressed up against the glass to see if I'd gone out here to hang myself or something. I shook my head, it wouldn't surprise me. I did kind of give off that impression.
The psychopathic loner that stalks his classmate and broods while taking long forest hikes.
Yeah, I should make a bumper sticker.
I pause for a moment, my feet crunching quietly on the twigs and leaves beneath them.
I was actually using a sense of humour. I laughed. I actually laughed. A bird got scared and flew off, cawing.
I sighed and sat down, not caring if my clothes got dirty. This is certainly something a psychopathic loner would do, but I didn't think to care.
I was thinking about Bella. What if she wasn't okay? What if she was upset and needed someone. No, you idiot. That voice in my head told me, what was it's name again?
Oh, rationality. Her father would eventually be home, he was equipped to take care of her, better than me. He was her father, they shared blood, it just came naturally. I rested my head on the large spruce behind me, staring up at the thick forest canopy that blotted out the sun, making it gloomy yet mystical. The atmosphere was very calming. But nothing would make me forget about Bella, or how distraught she was today.
But I had to be patient. I couldn't go calling her or showing up at her house.
That was stupid and an invasion of her privacy, she probably wanted to be alone, anyway.
I would want to be alone—or at least with Bella. I groaned. Were my thoughts ever going to be about something other than her? Is she going to consume me for the rest of my life? I knew the answer, but it didn't make me mad or angry. It just made me...forlorn.
I will never forget her, but when she eventually moves away, grows up, she'll forget about me. The rest of my days, will undoubtedly revolve around her and what I feel for her. I sighed. So, this was my punishment, then? I nodded to myself.
It was bad enough. I didn't know how long I had been sitting there, soaking the rain water, but when I finally stood up and started walking back home, the sun was almost all the way over the horizon.
***
After a whole week, I thought my feelings would have dimmed, gotten past the shock and settled.
But no, this was a punishment, after all. So, instead of dulling, numbing, they only grew more intense.
Bella sat with me every day. I grinned uncontrollably when she sat down, deciding that she liked to sit with me in preference to the other table with the friends she's known longer. I felt like smirking at Newton. But those plans always vanished when he reached over to place his hand on Bella's knee.
I thought about how this had merely disgusted me a month ago. Now, I felt like I should break his hand, and maybe the body connected to it.
He had come over to our table. I had, reluctantly, shrugged my shoulders, indicating to a seat that was farthest away from Bella. But instead, he took the one right next to her. I could see it in her face, how uncomfortable it was for her. What she must be reminded of when he touched her.
My jaw clenched, I stared into her eyes. She must have seen the anger displayed in mine. I stood up woodenly, leaving my food on the table, pocketing my IPod. I took the two necessary steps toward them, standing over him, glaring. He noticed and stood up awkwardly. I was over six feet tall. So I had almost a foot on him.
"Bella?" I said, softly, not taking my eyes off him. "Do you want to come to the library with me?" I suggested. If my face wasn't painted in a dark and furious mask, anyone would think I was having a normal conversation with her. I heard her chair scrape as she stood from her chair, coming over to my side. I had to hand it to Mike, he didn't back down, didn't look away. He could probably even fight, maybe get a few punches in, not just curl up in a ball. He was persistent, like Bella had told me.
"Yeah," she finally answered.
"I need help with my English assignment anyway. Come on," she murmured, grasping my forearm. My anger dissolved—fractionally. Her touch was like an antidote. I narrowed my eyes at Newton and started to back away, turning on my heel and letting Bella lead me outside.
I glanced over my shoulder at him. He had sat back down, his arms folded across his chest and a sullen expression on his face. My early observations of Mike had proven correct.
Exhibit A: Douche bag.
I could almost hear the obscenities streaming through his mind at that moment, all with my name included. He just made me so angry.
I wanted to crush him, he was no better than Jacob. I took a deep breath, trying to get a grip on my temper. Bella watched me as we stood, immobile outside the cafeteria, in the same hall she had broken down in last week. "Are you—are you okay?" she asked, a smile in her voice. I looked down at her, surprised. She raised an eyebrow.
"I hate Newton." I stated matter-of-factly. She laughed.
"You know what? So do I." She said, grinning. I smiled and Bella seemed to have a coronary. I took one more glance through the doors.
I don't know what I was capable of anymore.
Especially if he fucked with my girl.
Nawwww. Hehe. Edward is a little more light-hearted than usual in this chapter. Which I liked. But I like brooding Edward too. He seems more sexy, which really shows my mental stability. Anywho, more updates in the next few days. Um, hope you like this chapter. Not as good as the last, I must admit, and not as long either. The last chapter was my favourite so far. The dream sequence :D Uh, so yeah Disclaimer: I do not own TWILIGHT.