This is a Bella's POV. Just because thats how I roll. I know, two in a row, but I thought it would work better this way. I strongly recommend you listen to "Chasing Cars-Snow Patrol", "Breathe(2 am)-Anna Nalick", "The Reason-Hoobastank" or "3 Doors Down- Here without you." They go along well with the story. :)
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. :D
My fingers twirled into his hair, grasping at the silky bronze strands.
His left hand cupped my face, his fingers combing through my curls. His lips were gentle, and giving, mine molding perfectly with his.
I turned my face, needing more of him. I felt like I would lose him, I needed him to be closer.
Our breathing was laboured, our lips finally breaking apart. I sucked in a breath, realising I had virtually stopped inhaling.
My arms were around his neck, his hands were on my shoulders. There was a tenseness in his posture. I frowned. It was then that I realised he thought he made a mistake.
If only I could tell him, it was the best moment I had ever experienced, a moment I would want to live in forever. Even if it meant I would only see him and no-one else for the rest of my life. I wanted to tell him how irrationally in love with him I was. But the look on his face kept my strangled confessions locked up in my head.
His eyes were not sparkling, his eyes were toneless, bleak. He looked broken, torn. I felt tears well up in my eyes as his hands drew away. Had I gone too far? My mind was so confused. I hadn't realised the implications of my actions, of course that was me, wasn't it? A clutz, damaging, stupid, selfish.
I had single handedly destroyed us. I had ruined our friendship. With a kiss. One that would bring me physical pain to regret.
I did not regret feeling whole, and loved. I regretted the manner in which I did it. I could have waited. But I went ahead, forcing myself to unsuspecting Edward. I was a monster. I needed to be detained, put away, if this is what happened when I associated with people.
The way I broke Edward. He didn't look me in the eye, this was only more wounds in my chest.
I was choking, a lump rising in my throat. This? This was unfixable, unrepairable, just like me. I was on the cliff, I had just been pushed. I was hurtling through the air, no safety net. I clenched my teeth, tears of inner hatred and self loathe running down my cheeks. "I—I think you should go." He said, his voice uneven, shocked...broken.
I pressed my lips together to smother the shattered cries about to erupt from my throat. I sucked in a pained sob, his head lifted, his eyes wide. I nodded, trying not to let him see my face. I had found my reason. The reason for me to be here, the reason I had for being. I turned and ran.
A faint, mumbled, gutted cry of "Bella," sounding in my head. I wish it was Edward—not my head. That was the way the guy was supposed to sound, calling out for you, begging you not to leave. But this wasn't it. Life wasn't perfect. People found what I did and they lost it, they didn't get to keep it.
Because? Because, like me, people are stupid. I was hanging on by a thread. I threw myself into my truck. My chest was aching, like someone had stabbed me repeatedly. Cold, icy and searing hot pain all at once. I sobbed, my throat aching with each cry. My outburst, my breakdown was clouding my head. Before now, I had seen so clearly. Now?
I didn't know what to do. But I did know who I was. I was damaged, I was worthless, unwanted and unlovable. I gasped for air, trying to glue myself back together.
My heart was clawing up my throat. My eyes were stinging with tears, hot, salty and never-ending. The truck groaned as I tried to escape. I was pushing on the gas, going faster than what my truck allowed. It didn't like it. "Come on!" I screamed at it, frustrated and messed up.
"Oh, god!" I wailed. I was blind through the tears. There was a darkness creeping around me. I shuddered, adding to the already convulsive tremors shaking me. I leaned over the steering wheel, I had turned off the highway. It was deserted. There wasn't even the slightest chance anyone would come past me during my episode. I hoped. No-one should have to witness this. I felt like it was contagious. I felt like my pain would spread.
And experiencing this was horrible, I would never wish this pain on someone who didn't deserve it. Never. I managed to get myself together, through sheer force, enough to drive home. I stumbled up the stairs to my room, slamming my door and collapsing, exhausted onto my bed.
My clothes were rumpled and damp with my torrents of tears. I loved him. I love him. I wanted him to know.
I wanted him to know just how much that mere rejection had cost me. Had cost us, though I'm sure he knew our friendship was moot. It had expired the second our lips touched. I felt so cheated, so stupid. I let my mind wander, the tears still streaming. I fell into an agonised slumber. I wish I had never been so determined, so hopeful.
I had told myself I was stupid to be hopeful. And yet, I had deluded myself into thinking it was what he wanted too.
But no.
My dreams started off dark and snarly, angry and anguished. What pained me more than the initial dreams—the fact I knew they wouldn't stop tonight, they were not exclusive, they would last me a long time.
It was the same dream, I knew it. The dream from last week. Except it was different somehow. I was by the back of my house, just under the trees.
The sun had disappeared from the sky, leaving everything grey and dull. I was breathing heavily, trying to find my way through the dark. I need to find my way back, I needed to find my way to him. Him. I didn't have to search for long. I walked two steps forward, finding his face through the dimness.
"Edward!" I choked out. "Oh, Edward!" I cried again, stumbling toward him. He remained motionless. "Edward? Edward, I'm sorry! Please forgive me! You need to know!" He didn't say anything. A shadow cast over his features, his eyes a dark, coal black. His face was so alien, so different. I did a double take.
"Who are you?" I whispered. He looked at me then, his expression betraying nothing, no emotion. Just blankness. I could scream and he wouldn't flinch. "You're not Edward. This isn't him. I know him, and you are not him!" I accused, taking a step back. His eyes flickered, his irises changing to a bright ochre.
I staggered over, collapsing into him with relief and recognition. "Edward!" I whimpered into his chest. His hand moved over my hair, smoothing it down. The twig snapped, on cue. I gasped, even though I knew it was coming eventually. It was Jacob. He was huge. He stared at me in Edward's arms.
"Edward!" I hissed, trembling. "I can't let him win this." I told him. "We can't let him win this." He corrected. I took a step forward, grabbing a thick branch off the ground, it was amazingly light. I carried it with both hands. "Leave us alone." I ordered, pointing off to the side of the house. "Go away." He growled menacingly. I squared my shoulders and glared.
"I am not afraid of you." I whispered. His growling cut off. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Edward moving to the far corner of the yard, coming in line with me. Jacob's eyes flickered to Edward and back to me. "I told you not to tell." He said in a feral snarl.
"You can't tell me what to do. I am not yours." I retorted. The standoff was growing eerily silent, apart from the faint rustling of trees above us. The moonlight was now beating down on us, leeching the colour out of everything. Jacob was now black and grey. He snarled, bearing his teeth as his body shifted and moulded into a contorted formation.
In a matter of seconds, he transformed from man to wolf. From human to monster. I gasped, but held my footing, ironically. Usually, I wouldn't be able to in such a tense situation. I grasped the tree branch with both my hands, angling it to my side like a baseball bat. The wolf snarled and took a quick step forward, I staggered back, dropping the branch.
"Oh, no." I whispered shakily. I bent to retrieve it, a loud bark interrupting me, making me cringe. I could see Edward moving slightly forward. The dog in front of me was coiling, bending on his hind legs as he prepared to pounce, his teeth in stark contrast to his dark fur, his growling didn't hinder. His tail swished, his paws pushing him off the ground.
I held my breath, only to be knocked out of the way. "Edward!" I screamed. The enormous wolf pounded into Edward like a brick wall.
I was losing him all over again. Dark, guttural snarls ripped between them, Edward roars were cut short. A sickly snapping, Edward cried out. "No!" I screeched, running to them, but my feet couldn't carry me fast enough. "Stop!" I wailed at the top of my lungs. I fell to my knees.
The two figures had shimmered and dissolved into thin air. I had lost him again.
"No," I whispered.
There were ominous scratching noises at my window. I gasped, shaking and crying from the nightmare. It was pitch black outside.
There was barely any light, besides my alarm clock glowing off my nightstand. The torrential rain beat down hard on the roof, it was almost deafening. I didn't know how Charlie could sleep through it. I sat up and kicked my shoes off, they landed with a thud on the floor boards.
I collapsed back onto the bed with a sigh, wiping at my eyes, still sniffing. There was another screech and a low hiss. I sat bolt upright, my thoughts seeking out where I had left my pepper spray. There was a thud, the glass vibrated. I fell out of bed, thumping against the floor, grabbing my thick Spanish text book and creeping over to the window.
I planted my feet, steadying myself, then reached over to open it. The rain blew in, spraying across my face, then the wind was blocked by something. I gasped and pulled the book back, readying to swish it around and clock my intruder in the face before I screamed for Charlie. I swung, but hit the wall, the assailant ducked out of the way.
"Bella!" I stumbled back, dropping the book, it landed on my toe. I sucked in a breath. "Argh!" I grumbled in a whisper, hopping around.
"What are you doing here?" I asked helplessly, upset and scared. "Bella," he whispered, sighing.
His hand brushed my cheek, I slapped it away. "What the hell are you doing?" I whispered, incredulous. He glared over my shoulder.
"What the hell am I doing?" He repeated. "Being selfish. Being stupid. Doing all the wrong things." He answered. "Please, don't do this."I begged, I couldn't bear him end our friendship like this. Not after the dream I had just had. Losing him three times in one day, it just made me want to curl up and die. That would be less painful.
"Please don't do this to me," I mumbled through tears. "Do what?" he asked in a pained voice. How could he be in pain? I guess watching such an embarrassing display would be painful—painfully embarrassing. I tried to breathe evenly through my silent sobs. "Just—just don't do this!" I motioned to him and me with my hand. He caught it with his.
"What is this?" he asked, growing frustrated and even more confused. I shook my head, my mouth opening but no words came out.
"I'll tell you what it is," he whispered huskily, his voice low and rough—a vast difference to his usually velvety tone. He stared deep into my eyes and I couldn't pull away.
The intensity was further from what I felt at his house. He stood so close. He was drenched with water. His clothes were dripping all over my floor.
"This," he held my hand and pressed it to his chest, just over his heart. His skin was freezing, I stared at his hand over mine, I couldn't stop my heart from beating erratically or my breath from catching in my throat at his touch. "Bella, I. Need. You." He said, leaning closer.
"I need you, to breathe. You are who I live for everyday." He said, eyes boring into mine. I felt like I might burst into flames.
"I love you, Bella."
Tis a long chapter, yeah. I am proud. :) Hope you enjoy reading it as much as I liked writing it. Please R&R. Thanks for reviews and favs.
*pulls cake out of oven and hands you a slice* You guys are the banana to my split.......wait--that doesn't sound too appropriate.
You guys are....the Edward to my Bella! Fuck, there we go. Perfectemundo.