Chapter 8 – Loss of Innocence

Lois sat at the small patio table under an umbrella, her laptop open in front of her. Clark was sitting silently in a chair opposite her in the full sun looking out at the city not saying a word unless in answer to a question. Some questions had gone ignored but she decided to not push him at the present. Surely he heard her, but just by the way he was acting she wasn't entirely sure he was consciously hearing everything she said. Lois noticed his cereal bowl in front of him forgotten only partly eaten. As a matter of fact it appeared he had eaten the banana out of the mixture and left most of the milk and cereal. Oh well, at least he had eaten the banana, she thought.

Jason was nearby in a portable playpen also in the full sun amusing himself with a rattle and a butterfly mobile that his grandmother had gotten for him before he was born. Lois remembered hearing Martha call Clark her little butterfly once when showing her the family photo album. The pictures started when Clark had first arrived, he couldn't have been more than three in the first pictures. It was hard to imagine his Kryptonian parents placing him in that starship and sending him off all alone as they did. She knew parents would be willing to do anything to keep their young ones safe, she knew she and Clark would, but still to send an infant off into the unknown. At any rate Jason loved the mobile and would entertain himself for hours watching it. He also loved the sun just like his father and seemed to benefit from the exposure. She just hoped Clark was benefiting from the exposure now although she saw no evidence that he was.

She looked back at her screen scanning the article she was working on, debating with herself just how much to reveal, she read it over once again.

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The Innocence Is Gone
By Lois Lane

I am sure many of you are wondering where Superman has gone. I'm wondering the same thing as I write this piece. It certainly would have been comforting to see his presence flying overhead today, but I understand why he has gone missing. He appeared to me ever so briefly last night just before he disappeared into the darkness. He told me he needed time to be himself, that he had lost a part of himself and needed to restore his spirit before he could once again serve us effectively.

Everyone thinks of Superman as the Man of Steel. Let me tell you he is anything but. His heart is made of pure gold and the recent events have scared it deeply. He is hurting now every bit as much as the rest of us and just like us needs time to recover. Be patient, he will return, he is too strong and loves this adopted world too much to let anything divert him from his mission for long.

Don't be surprised if when next you see him he looks a little different. He has retired the old bright red, yellow and blue suit saying it represented too much light, too much hope, that he could no longer wear it. The new suit is darker reflecting his current mood, the emblem smaller and gone completely from the cape. The blue is dark sky blue, the red, crimson bordering on a dried blood maroon. It is striking but when compared to the bright colors of the prior suit it definitely reflects a man who feels he has lost a certain innocence.

Indeed the world has lost its innocence and now is a time for mourning. Superman too needs time to mourn and time to find his way back to us. The innocence is already starting to return. I see it in my own infant's eyes, in his cooing and smiles as I'm sure it is in all the other young faces and hearts of the world.

Continue to look up in the sky. I have little doubt that before long Superman will be back as courageous and powerful as ever. Until he does, we must all do our own parts to make this world a better place. All of us have within us the spark to do good for those around us. We cannot just wait around for a savior. Sometimes we must take up the challenge and save ourselves.

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Lois continued to study the copy making sure it was what she wanted to see in print. Every few minutes she would look up at Clark lost in his thoughts or over at Jason cooing and playing with his feet or reaching for one of the butterflies twirling above him.

Getting up to get herself another cup of coffee she asked if Clark wanted a cup as well. When he didn't answer she called out his name, "Clark, don't you hear me?" She stood in front of him blocking the sun, "Clark don't you hear me?"

"I can hear you but I can't hear anything else. It's too quiet. I've been trying to listen but I can't hear anything else."

Stooping down in front of him concerned she asked, "What do you mean you can't hear anything else? Maybe there is nothing else to hear."

"There's always something else to hear, but it's lost to me now. I can't hear it."

"What do you hear?"

He was quiet for a moment then answered in almost a whisper, "your heartbeat and Jason's nothing more."

"Are you sure that is all you hear? What about your heartbeat? I hear birds… and car doors closing down below. You hear that right?"

"Birds, car doors? I only hear two heartbeats nothing more."

Lois began to think it hadn't been such a good idea to have breakfast out on the patio after all. He had seemed better before they came out here. That must have been what he was doing out here last night when she got home, trying to listen and only succeeding in getting lost in himself.

She was broken out of her own thoughts by the doorbell. Clark seemed once again oblivious so she looked at Jason deciding he was fine in the little playpen and went to see who was at the door. Looking though the peephole she saw Richard and Chloe looking around the hallway concerned. Sighing she opened the door intending to beg off a visit not noticing their hands were full with takeout boxes.

"Ah, Richard, Chloe….it's not really a good time…I'm sorry, I'm just not up to company…."

"Lois, Perry told us you called in sick. We thought with Clark still out of town you could use some company and a good meal to make you feel better." He pushed his way in, holding up the take out bags, the aroma of egg rolls, Kung Pao chicken, vegetables with snow peas and steamed rice filled the air. Chloe followed close behind with a tray holding three large drinks. They headed for the dining table before Lois could object. What could she say? She looked nervously towards the patio before she could catch herself. Richard and Chloe both followed her eyes.

"Oh good, Clark made it home after all. There's plenty of food for him too and I'm sure you have some drinks here." Richard started pulling several take out boxes of food out of the bags. "When did he get home? Perry said he was stuck out of town because of the airlines being grounded."

"Aaa…, he got home late last night and neither of us got much sleep." This was one part of her life with Clark that she found hard, the fibs to friends needed to cover for his dual life. "Aaaa, just a minute, I'll get him."

"That's alright, you're not feeling well, let me get him." Richard was already heading for the patio door before Lois could say another word.

She ran and intercepted him as he was about to open the door. "Let me get him…please."

Richard and Chloe exchanged worried looks. Chloe joined them at the door. "Lois did something happen to Clark?"

"No, no he…he's just tired… and so am I. Please, let me get him."

Lois opened the door and went out first picking up Jason from his little playpen then stooped in front of Clark hoping the baby would draw his attention. "Clark, Chloe and Richard are here. They brought some lunch. You need to forget about finding Superman and come inside with me. Can you do that?"

"I'm not hungry and the sun feels so good."

"I know, but you need to come in for a while now Clark. Richard and Chloe are here. You need to snap out of this now, otherwise they're going to know who you are."

"You're right, I can't let them see me like this. I can't let them see Superman like this, I need to leave till they're gone."

"No! They already saw you, but what they saw was Clark. You are Clark. You need to just be Clark until we restore Superman. Just be Clark." She took one of his hands in hers still holding Jason with the other. "I told them you got home late last night and that we didn't get much sleep, which is the truth. Can you manage to just be Clark?"

"I am Clark." His eyes seemed to focus as he looked her in the eye then he looked past her to Richard and Chloe who were back at the table opening up the boxes and continuing to prepare the table setting. Richard looked up and Clark's eyes met his. "Ahem, I'm alright, I'll get the playpen and follow you in. Oh, wait my glasses. I need my glasses."

"I'll distract them with Jason while you set up the playpen, the glasses are on the counter. It will be alright." She let go of Clark's hand and stood up giving him one last look of encouragement.

Lois entered the apartment smiling with Jason in her arms. "Jason look who's here, Auntie Chloe and Uncle Richard." Then addressing the adults she continued, "Clark will be right in, he's just getting the playpen."

While Richard and Chloe fawned over Jason, Clark entered and grabbed his glasses as he put the playpen up near the table. Since Clark was busy with the playpen Richard went to close the door and noticed Lois' laptop sitting open out on the patio table. Lois, Chloe and Clark were occupied so he decided to retrieve the laptop sure she wouldn't want it left open and running on the patio. As he picked it up he couldn't help but notice the heading. He slowly entered the room reading the copy.

"Lois you saw Superman last night? When, where?"

"Ah, hmmm here, last night. He brought Clark back home. That's why we didn't get much sleep, we were talking to him for a good part of the night. He's not handling what happened very well. He feels he let us down."

"Why on earth would he think that? He saved hundreds of lives. No telling how bad it would have been without his help." Chloe said taking Jason from Lois.

"Yeah, I would hate to even imagine how bad it would have been if he had not been there." Richard looked at Clark who refused to meet his eyes. Richard seemed perplexed at his friend's sudden avoidance, "Where did he find you? Uncle Perry never did say where you went. What were you working on that took you out of town so suddenly?"

Clark turned away, "I'm sorry, I just can't handle this right now." Before Lois could stop him he was out the front door and gone.

Richard and Chloe looked at each other dumbfounded. Richard looked back down at the computer screen still in his arms and finished reading the copy then handed it to Chloe. Lois wasn't sure what to do so she just took Jason back from Chloe and placed him in his playpen then faced her two friends now both staring at her with knowing looks.

"It's not what you think."

Richard looked sideways at Chloe and then responded, "And just what do you think we think?"

"Hmmmmm," trying something she said, "that there's something going on between me and Superman."

Richard shook his head softly and once again looked sideways at Chloe before responding. "That is not what I was thinking how about you Chloe?"

"I certainly wouldn't have put it that way either."

"Lois, there have been just too many coincidences, too many similarities for us to ignore any longer. There's something you and Clark, and Uncle Perry too for that matter, have been hiding from us. Watching you yesterday and now the both of you today there can be no denying it any longer, Clark is Superman." Lois sat down hard in the closest chair and put her head in her hands too tried to fight the truth any longer.

Chloe wrapped her arm around her in comfort. "Lois, you don't have to worry about us knowing. We've been thinking it might be the case since before Jason was born. We won't tell anyone. I've known Clark and his mother for as long as I can remember. I would never do anything to hurt any of you."

"That goes for me too." Richard held up the laptop, "This copy, its worse that what you've written here isn't it?"

Lois looked up between her fingers nodding. "Yes, I'm really worried about him. He seems so lost. He really scared me last night."

"What do you meant, what happened?" Richard asked.

"When I got home last night he was burning his suits in the fire pit on the patio. I have barely been able to get him to listen to me. He seems irritated when anything is said about all the people he saved yesterday. He seems to only be remembering the losses. Last night the memory of all the screams tore at him keeping him from resting. Right before you arrived when I was finally able to get his attention he said he couldn't hear anything but Jason and my heartbeats."

Richard pulled chairs from the other sides of the table close to Lois' and he and Chloe sat down within easy reach of her. "You don't have to try and help him all by yourself, that is what friends are for, let us help you both."

Chloe nodded taking Lois' hands in hers, "I'm no doctor but it sounds like maybe he's unconsciously closing himself off, protecting himself after everything he experienced yesterday. I was numb just watching it on live television."

Richard got up and started for the door, "Chloe, stay here with Lois and Jason. I'm going to go try and find him. You don't think he would have flown away do you?"

Lois shook her head no, "Frankly, I would be surprised if he's willing or even able to use any of his powers right now." Looking up at him her face brightened, "The park, check the park. He loves taking Jason to the park around the corner. We walk there all the time."

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Richard practically jogged to the park, as soon as he rounded the corner he saw Clark sitting on a bench in the full sunlight looking off into the distance. He strolled up and took a seat next to his friend. "You can come back now. We won't ask anymore questions. You don't have to hide from us anymore we know who you are." Clark continued staring into the distance not making a sound or gesture of any kind. His only movement was a rare blink of the eyelids.

Richard wasn't sure if Clark didn't hear, didn't register or had just ignored what was said. At any rate he made no response, so Richard spoke up again, "Lois is worried about you, come back home with me." Clark sighed and the two got up and walked back to the apartment without saying another word.

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Lois paced the floor after Richard left. "I think I should call his doctor. I'm just not sure what to do to help him. I'm afraid I'm about to lose him. He's just not thinking rationally."

"Superman has a doctor, one that knows?"

"Yes, two actually, Dr. Emil Hamilton and his daughter Dr. Elizabeth Hamilton both are part of S.T.A.R. Labs. She became my doctor while I was pregnant with Jason and even helped deliver him at the hospital." Lois grabbed her cell phone and dialed the number she had long ago committed to memory. "I should have thought of this sooner."

The phone rang several times then the elder Hamilton answered slightly out of breath. "Hello, I've been hoping to hear from you. Is this Lois or Kal-El?"

"Dr. Hamilton, its Lois. I'm worried about …Clark he's not handling what happened very well."

"Slow down dear, tell me what has happened."

Lois explained everything that had happened so far. Then confided "I'm just not sure I can convince him to come to you. Would it be possible for you to come here?"

"Oh my, after watching what happened yesterday I was afraid of something like this. Liz and I both will be over shortly. When he gets back try to keep him in a quiet room with little or no distractions."

As she hung up the phone the door opened, Lois ran pulling Clark into an embrace as the two men entered. Releasing her embrace Lois took Clark's hand and led him to their bedroom without a word being spoken. She pushed him down onto the bed and spoke soothingly. "Doctors Hamilton are both on their way. You are to wait here for them, doctor's orders. Now lay down and try to rest."

"I don't need a doctor, I'll be ..."

"Don't you dare try to tell me you'll be alright, you are NOT alright now and you ARE going to see the doctors, they'll be here shortly. I said lay down." She watched him for a second till he finally complied then headed for the door closing it behind her after one last look.

Richard and Chloe were busy gathering the take out boxes back into the bags as she came back out. "We'll just put these in the refrigerator for later. I don't think anyone is too hungry right now." Chloe said softly. Lois nodded refusing to allow the tears to form that had been threatening all morning. She had to be strong for the three of them, she was really grateful that Richard and Chloe were there for support.

The three sat talking quietly till Jason began demanding attention. Lois walked over and picked him up immediately not wanting him to disturb Clark. Sitting back down on the sofa with the infant in her arms she looked up as Richard spoke.

"So, Jason is …Superman's son?" It was more of a statement than a question and he expected no answer. "There always seemed something special about the little guy, now I understand what it is." Wanting to fill the awkward silence he continued. "I just can't believe that Clark, my best friend is Superman. Oh, man he must have thought I was such a dork when we first met. Sheesh!"

"He never said anything of the kind, he was just thankful to have you as a friend and you too Chloe. He has always thought highly of you both and so do I. Why else do you think we would have asked you two to be Jason's Godparents?"

Richard made a funny face at the infant looking up at him smiling and nodded acknowledgement.

"I think Clark's been wanting to tell you both for a while now. That is probably why he's been showing parts of who he really is to you knowing you both would figure everything out eventually, and you're right, Perry knows. He figured it out several months ago. That was one of the reasons he gave us the office in the out of the way corner."

Just then there was a soft knock at the door and Chloe jumped up to answer immediately showing the two doctors into the apartment. Lois handed Jason to Richard and quickly introduced everyone before escorting the doctors to the bedroom where Clark lay awake staring at the window.

"I'll leave you two alone with him. Would either of you like anything to drink?" Both doctors shook their heads no. Lois nodded and said, "I'll be right out here if you need anything," And exited the room once again closing the door behind her. She stayed next to the door for a second as if debating something then rejoined Richard and Chloe.

After what seemed like hours but was really less than one the doctors came back out and joined the three. The elder doctor cleared his throat and looked at Lois expectantly.

"Oh, it's alright, you can feel free to speak with Richard and Chloe here. They can be trusted and they're here to help me… help Clark."

The doctor nodded understanding and motioned for his daughter to sit nearby as he took a seat himself. "It seems our boy is suffering symptoms not too different from what any human would likely be suffering after what he went through yesterday. I do believe his senses were totally overwhelmed with all the calls for help and the screams of fear and pain. Not to mention what he must have seen. He has simply shut down and right now is processing very little of his surroundings."

"Are you talking about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? Richard asked.

"Yes, but there is more to it than that in his case, he is also feeling a great deal of guilt, guilt for not doing enough; guilt for not preventing it from happening; but most of all and this is a big one in his case guilt for surviving. He has been carrying that particular guilt around for most of his life. I believe that is why he became Earth's protector, to atone for surviving the demise of his own world in the only way open to him."

Lois glanced towards the bedroom then around the room at the others, "This all makes a lot of sense, but what can we do to help him overcome it?"

The younger doctor answered, "Physically he's sound, his vital signs are within normal range for him. They are just slightly on the low side, but that could be easily explained by his inactivity today."

Her father continued, "Normally drugs would be called for… but in his case…" He just shook his head, "That would be pointless. About the only thing we can do is counsel him as we did today and monitor the results."

Lois nodded her head, "What can I do and what can our friends do to help? Surely there is something more that we can do. He keeps telling me he can't hear anything other than mine and Jason's heartbeats why is that, do you know?"

The elder man nodded sadly, "Yes, he has always used your heartbeat as a beacon to you. That is how he has known when you were in peril time and again. I remember him telling me of this a couple years ago. He added Jason's heartbeat when he first heard it months ago. Those heartbeats must represent a haven to him right now. As far as him hearing nothing else, I believe he has closed off his senses and something within himself is preventing him from opening them back up so to speak. He must have been so overwhelmed yesterday that as soon as he arrived here he literally shut down. Once he processes the pain he is going through I believe he will be back to his normal. Just don't ask me how long that might take."

"What about going back to work?" Lois asked.

"No, that wouldn't be good, right now you see, he is confusing the two identities. We don't want to put him under the stress of having to be one or the other. He needs to stay in places he can go unnoticed, unobserved where he can 'just be'." The older man seemed adamant gesturing with his hands as he spoke. "At least for the time being until he's more like his old self. On the other hand you should try and get him back to some sort of normal life. Just don't expect Superman back right away. That may take a while longer. It's just going to depend on how resilient he is."

"Just let him rest for a few more hours, then you need to try and keep him from dwelling on what he can't do. Try to make him feel useful. That should help him work his way back to slowly opening up his extra senses. And what ever you do don't let him spend too much time alone."

Emil stood up and Liz joined him adding, "He'll be fine. It may take several days, perhaps even weeks, but he will be alright in the end. He has a stronger will than all of us realize. I feel confident he will be back stronger than ever."

She started to follow her father to the door. Lois, Chloe and Richard all followed behind them. "One last thing, be sure to let him mourn. He's taking the losses very hard and personal. He needs time to mourn just like the rest of us. And please don't hesitate to call if you need us for anything, day or night."

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I really appreciate all the comments and feedback. Thank you to all who take the time to comment or review.

I am sending more hugs to everyone as the anniversary of this horrific event approaches praying nothing like it ever happens again.