Synopsis: Kyuuzou's perspectives on the end of the journey; Kyuuzou's childhood experiences recalled. Anyone too attached to Kyuuzou's masculinity should NOT read further.

Warning: implied self-mutilation. Again, anyone too attached to Kyuzo's manhood should NOT read further.

Kyuuzou's POV:

We were the first party to reach the meeting place, so there was nothing to do except sit and wait for the rest. Then Kirara said to me, "Pretty dress you have. Where did you get it?" A desperate attempt at conversation, but still, it was better than listening to her talk about Kanbei.

"It was a gift," I replied coldly.

"I'm sorry it was torn in the fight," she said. Perhaps this is the closest she will ever get to apologizing for overriding my judgment and getting us into trouble.

"Believe me, I am more sorry than you are," I responded. "Do you happen to have a sewing kit?"

"Yes I do," she hesitated. "But if it is alright with you, Kyuuzou-dono, let me sew up the torn sleeve."

Well, well. Now she was talking.

I was content to sit by in silence while she did the sewing. But I think the girl liked to chat… about rather personal topics. After Shichi had gone off somewhere to find a restroom, Kirara broke the silence. "You're different from other men, aren't you? Kyuuzou-dono."

"Is it that obvious from the way I look?" I asked as nonchalantly as I could.

"It's not by sight that I know," she said, "A water priestess can feel the ki of other people. You have a colder energy, different from a man's and yet not exactly like a woman's. You're special. Maybe that is why Kanbei-sama looks at you differently."

Oh, so it's back to that man again. Kanbei looks at me differently? I don't know about that. But I have noticed that she looks at him differently. I chose not to point that out though. Instead I said, "About me being … different. Can you not mention that to anyone else?"

"Of course," she replied, "I am in your debt. Thank you for saving me when I was in danger." She handed me the patched dress with both hands.

"You're welcome," I said as I put my dress back on.

---

Flashback: 15 years earlier

Kyuuzou had not yet been at Aikawa Sensei's for three months before his secret was out. One morning, Ayame and Mizuho marched up to the sword mistress and Haruko, dragging the unfortunate Kyuuzou between them.

"We caught him when he was taking a bath! Now we know why he only washes when no one is around. He's really a boy!" Ayame declared as she threw the boy down on the mat in front of Sensei. Kyuuzou did not dare to look up at the girls. Ayame's gloating expression was disturbing enough, but what he feared even more was the look of shock and betrayal on Mizuho's face.

"See, he isn't even a real girl!" Ayame tried to flip open Kyuuzou's yukata to prove her assertion, but Kyuuzou pulled his clothes even more tightly around him, almost in tears.

"Is he really even Shizuka's child?" the girl sneered. "If he lied about being a girl, what else could he have lied about?"

Kyuuzou broke away from the two girls and prostrated himself at the Sensei's feet. "I'll be good! I'll work hard! I'll cook and clean! Only let me stay and learn!"

The old woman fixed her gaze on him with an expression that was close to disappointment. "The fact that you lied to us about being a girl has voided your initial acceptance."

"Forgive me!" Kyuuzou cried. "Mother told me about you before she passed. I just wanted to…"

"We have our traditions. We don't teach boys. There are many other places where boys can learn to be fighters," Sensei said impassively. "I'm sure you can find a better teacher somewhere else."

Then she turned to Haruko. "Pack his things and show him to the gate."

Kyuuzou knew the discussion was over. But he beat his head on the floor and begged. "Please, please! You have to teach me so I can avenge Mother!"

Sensei looked down at him with a pitying gaze. "All the more you can't stay. I don't accept pupils who follow the way of vengeance and hate."

Haruko came over and took him by the arm, but Kyuuzou refused to rise. The child wept, "Please let me stay! I'll do whatever you want! I'll be a girl if it means I can stay!"

Ayame barked, "You want to be a girl? That can be easily arranged." A sharp clink told him that her sword had already shifted an inch out of its scabbard. Sensei stopped the girl with a stern stare. Ayame's blade slid back into its sheath as she sighed disappointedly.

Haruko grabbed Kyuuzou's arm firmly and yanked him to his feet. Minutes later, Kyuuzou found himself unceremoniously dumped outside the dojo with his meager belongings. It was already autumn. Kyuuzou knelt among the fallen maple leaves as Heaven and Earth seemed to spin around him. Where would he go? Mother's head and body lay in two different places. Aunty was gone. His first parents were also dead – two of the charred corpses in that burnt farming village.

One of the last things that Mother had said to him was, "We have only six more years to go together, we can make them six miserable years, or we can make them six good years." But that haughty, cold young samurai wouldn't grant them even six miserable years…

Mother's words came back to him again, "If only you were a daughter, then you would not be so difficult…" He remembered the look on Mizu's face when she found out that he was a boy. Then he recalled Ayame's ringing threat, "You want to be a girl? That can be easily arranged…"

The child resolutely unsheathed his dagger. He had helped peasants do the operation on pigs and cattle before. It was really quite simple. Kyuuzou took a deep breath as he said to himself, "Shizuka's son does not flinch from pain."

--

Ayame was sweeping leaves in the courtyard. It was a good day. She was finally rid of the aggravating newcomer. Everybody who studied with Sensei had to pay tuition, but that Kyuuzou would get a free education because Sensei and Haru thought he was the orphaned 'daughter' of the beloved Shizuka, until now. Finally, the truth was out, and Kyuuzou could go back to wherever he came from. Her triumphant train of thought was punctured by a long, almost animal-like wail of pain coming from just outside the dojo. Ayame dashed out of the gate and saw Kyuuzou collapsed under the maple tree. She ran up to him.

--

In the training hall, the sword mistress watched as Haruko went through her sword forms. As Haruko finished the last form and bowed to her teacher, the old woman said, "You don't have your usual focus today. Whatever is on your mind, you have to put it aside when you have a sword in your hand."

The senior student turned to her teacher. "Sensei, if I might be so bold as to say, I feel bad about sending Shizuka's child away. He probably has nowhere else to go."

Haruko never knew what Sensei's response would have been, for they were interrupted by a series of loud shrieks coming from outside. "I'll go and see what's wrong!" Haruko said as she darted out of the training hall.

The woman ran out of the gate and saw Ayame standing over Kyuuzou under the maple tree and shrieking loudly. Kyuuzou was lying on the ground in a dead faint. There was blood on his clothes. Ayame was holding Kyuuzou's dagger. "You -" Haruko began as she rushed up to Ayame.

"I didn't do it!" the girl turned at the sound of the woman's voice. "I found him like this!" Panic was written all over Ayame's face.

Mizuho, meanwhile, had arrived, and was peering down at Kyuuzou over her sisters' shoulders. A look of horror crossed her face as the scene registered with her. Haruko gathered up the bleeding, unconscious child in her arms and carried him back towards the house. Ayame stood gaping after them, still in shock. Then she caught Mizuho's accusing stare. "Perhaps you should learn when to keep your mouth shut," the wavy haired maiden said to the youngest girl. Then Mizuho picked up Kyuuzou's travel bag and followed after the senior student.

Author's Comment:

The self-mutilation aspect is partly inspired by the Chinese martial arts novel/movie Xiao Ao Jiang Hu in which the villainous super-warrior (another androgynous, mysterious and silent killer like Kyuuzou) neuters himself to reach the next level in his quest for greater skill - the level of martial arts beyond the merely physical, the level of k, which requires the mental concentration and focus of energy that non-celibate men do not have. Thus, it is said that the best ki masters are women – regardless of lifestyle – and celibate men. Not proven by fact, just a fictional stereotype, I believe. But even this belief had its roots in the theory of energy centers – chakras.