Retribution
Chapter 18: Hidden Kinship
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Author: Jun-I
Synopsis: Kyuuzou's questions remain unanswered as the samurai leave Kougakyo to chase the Capital.
Warnings and Disclaimers: See Chapter 1. But I'll say it again. Opinions expressed by characters do not necessarily reflect author's opinions.
Kyuuzou's POV:
The next morning, Heihachi, Shichi and Rikichi arrived at the House of the Fireflies by boat. That set the stage for more drama. Sanae - the woman whom Kanbei went through all that trouble to rescue - refused to be reunited with her husband. Everyone witnessed the awkward scene between Rikichi and Sanae in the chamber upstairs. Kanbei was the first to leave the room. Would you believe, Ayamaro was so overcome by the sob factor of the situation that he actually placed his hand on Kiku's back for 'emotional support'. Never thought I'd see that.
End Kyuuzou POV
There was no point in watching the couple's unhappiness any further. Kyuuzou left the room and went down the stairs. The quiet samurai was about to turn into the corridor when he spotted Kanbei and Shichiroji outside in the courtyard talking about the sorry situation. He did not wish to intrude on their private conversation, so he stayed concealed in the stairwell.
"A bitter thing it is," remarked Shichi. "Truly a bitter thing."
"I will never forget the shock I felt at that time," Kanbei said.
"That's so unlike you."
"I couldn't bring myself to do it. The look in Sanae's eyes was one of utter devotion to the Amanushi." Kanbei continued, "Looking at those eyes, there was no way I could have done the deed. Perhaps I am just not mature enough."
They said more after that, but the young man did not hear the rest of their conversation. His mind was in a whirl, and his vision clouded with rage. Is this how one would go about getting mercy from a killer like Kanbei? Just take on the form of a 'weak' woman, put on a really pathetic, desperate face, and beg with all the foolish sincerity of a brainwashed puppet? "I could have done that too. Easily." Kyuuzou thought. Maybe if he had dashed out of the closet all those years ago, threw himself at that man's feet and sobbed like a blubbering fool Kyuuzou could have stayed the killer's hand and saved his mother.
"Wait a minute!" Kyuuzou checked himself. He was still not even sure if it was really Shimada Kanbei. He needed to know! He needed to know just so that he could decide how much to hate that man. "But if it is really him, I will make sure he suffers before he dies," the cold samurai thought as a steely glint came into his red eyes. "Because he spared the wicked and had no mercy on the good. I'm beginning to get the idea that if a woman conducts herself with dignity and does not grovel enough, then she cannot expect mercy from certain types of men. It seems that being pathetic and weepy is the key to getting what you want. No wonder Ayame was never very fond of men in general."
Kyuuzou POV
For the next few days, I hung around Kanbei, waiting for a chance to get personal information out of him in the most sneaky, I mean 'discreet', way possible. But no such opportunity came. Shimada was busy making preparations for our upcoming trip, as was everyone else. Our fearless leader had decided to attack the Capital, and of course the rest of us had to go along for the ride. Much as I wanted my answers immediately, I was forced to bid my time.
At long last, we left the House of the Fireflies and set out to find the Capital. I was glad to get out of that inn because I was sick of listening to Yukino persuading Kirara to put on a nice kimono and makeup to get Kanbei's attention. Would you believe the things those two women waste their minds on while the rest of us are trying to figure out how to stop a giant flying fortress with only five samurai? I missed my sisters, even the perpetually irate Ayame. At least they applied their brains to worthier pursuits.
I thought I might get to catch Shimada alone during the trip, and maybe get my questions answered. But Kanbei was too busy fending off the aggressive advances of Kirara to pay me any attention. That woman had no sense of timing. I almost cheered when Kanbei finally flatly told her "No!" the night before we were to attack the Capital. Phew! That should be an end to the annoyance.
That night I went to sleep quite content. But in my dreams, there came unbidden to my mind a vision of the past.
I dreamt that I was a child again. Aunt and Mother were still with me. I must have been very young because Aunt Rumi was not sick. She was still strong. We had gone hunting on a snowy day. Aunt had a deer slung across her shoulders. She was walking before me. And Mother was walking beside me, holding my hand.
This was the kind of dream I feared to have. Vaguely happy dreams that turn into pain upon waking. Memories that refuse to stay buried and forgotten. My solace can only be found on the battlefield, where one is forced to see only the present moment and nothing else. It is only in that space without past and without future that my soul can escape the sorrow and shame of yesteryear.
End Kyuuzou POV
The desert night was bitingly cold. Everyone slept close to the fire, except for Kyuuzou. He kept his distance from the group as was his habit. Kanbei noticed that the silent loner had seated himself against the hull of the wrecked Raiden. The red figure was completely still. He was probably already asleep. But as Shimada walked silently past Kyuuzou while making his rounds on night watch, he heard the slender samurai say, "It's so cold…"
Kanbei stopped and stared at the younger man. The dark samurai was almost astonished to hear an admission of vulnerability from the haughty warrior. Then Shimada realized that Kyuuzou was not addressing him. The other samurai's head was drooping. Kyuuzou must have been talking in his sleep. The white-clad warrior approached the still figure cautiously to confirm this conclusion. Kyuuzou's eyes were closed.
"Mother… it is so very cold…" The deadly warrior spoke again in a childlike, plaintive voice. "Are we going home yet?"
Kanbei's eyes widened in surprise. Was this even Kyuuzou speaking? The dark commander was used to hearing Kyuuzou's deep, dispassionate voice. Yet the voice Kyuuzou just used when talking in his sleep was significantly higher, and more pleasing, as if it had never broken. Then Shimada wondered what kind of dream the crimson samurai was having. And who his mother was. She must be a remarkable woman for a grown son - and one as strong and as proud as that one - to turn to her in times of vulnerability, even if only in a dream.
Still, Kyuuzou was right. It was so very cold. The tall man removed his long white jacket. Silently and very carefully, he knelt down beside Kyuuzou and laid the garment over the sleeping samurai. As Kanbei peered into the young man's pale face, the sleeper's expression became a little more relaxed. The older man was about to get to his feet and continue on his rounds when the dreamer's lips began to move ever so slightly. In his dream, Kyuuzou was singing a soft, slow song.
Hush now, my little one
Be strong now, don't cry
Things are not always what they seem
Sleep and remember
Your lost lullaby
I'll walk with you in your dream
Kanbei could not believe his ears. It was the same song his grandmother – the mother of his father – had sung to him in that faraway, innocent past before his hands were stained with blood. So, once Kyuuzou had such a past too. But how could the crimson samurai know this melody? It was a song from Shimada's hometown.
There were so many questions Kanbei wanted to ask the mysterious young man. But he knew the silent samurai would never answer. The tall man threw one last searching glance at the sleeping figure before stepping away to continue on his rounds. He was relieved that Kyuuzou had not detected his presence and woken up. But if Shimada Kanbei had looked back a moment later, he would have seen a tear slide from the sleeper's lids and fall onto the sand.
Kanbei returned before dawn when the air was just beginning to turn warmer. He quietly retrieved his jacket from the still sleeping warrior. The dark ronin had the feeling that Kyuuzou would be more than displeased if he awoke to find evidence that someone had been able to approach him undetected. Especially if that someone was the rival he wanted to kill.
Author's Notes:
- In this fic, Kyuuzou, even as a child, never sheds tears when he is in a conscious state. He was raised by a samurai mother who was strict about NOT crying. Even when people close to him died, he always held the tears back. (See early chapters of Retribution and also second chapter of Happy Endings)
- The lullaby is adapted from River Lullaby from the Prince of Egypt Soundtrack.
- The "mother… it's so cold…" dream was inspired by a scene from the movie Ba Wang Bie Ji (whose title was badly translated as "Farewell my Concubine." A better translation is "The Warlord Bids Farewell to his Lady") in which the grown up protagonist recalls a childhood scene in a dream.