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Chapter 4: That Thing You Did
This story is dedicated to both the Wonders and Felix Jung, for producing music that makes me cry and laugh at the same time. Boston Masochist!
For a story key, see chapter 3.
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Sasuke adopted a fighting pose. "Are you going to attack us as well, Sound ninja?" He accused.
Haku only smiled behind his mask. "I don't really want to start anything. I have the scrolls I need." He held up the captured earth scroll. "My brother has the heaven scroll, so that's the end of that."
"We already have an earth scroll, too. There is no reason to fight, then." Sakura lessened her guard.
Haku giggled slightly. "I wouldn't fight you anyways," he said, turning towards Naruto. "You're too cute!"
Naruto took a step back, and whispered towards Sasuke. "I can't tell if that's a guy or a girl!" He said urgently.
Sasuke shook his head, once. "Notice the Adam's apple."
Naruto blinked his eyes and kept them shut.
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Gaara held his face in his hands. "Why? Why do you keep bothering me?" He asked rhetorically.
"We're going to make you cry out in pain! We're going to take those scrolls!" Gaara had a handful of both earth and heaven scrolls.
"Don't you see the blood on the sand? I'm only going to regroup with my team! Don't make me take your scroll as well!" Gaara was exasperated. Did he seem so weak? Did he have to use Ranma's aura technique to keep these insects away?
"We don't have a scroll! It was stolen." The middle one almost proudly responded.
Gaara sighed and walked by them, not bothering to confront them. The sand sunk around the three mist ninja, and they submerged up to their necks.
"This is kind of cozy, actually. Now if only there weren't so many... ants..." The mist ninja were wondering if they had some bad karma or something.
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"Haku is late. Not like him to be late." Ranma commented.
"He probably found a cute boy to bring home." Gaara said, jokingly. "You know how he is. Almost like he has to have a crush to validate his existence or something."
"Don't say that! Now it will be true..." Ranma said, sliding down the rock he was sitting on until he was lying at its base.
"Hi guys! Look what I found on my way here!" Haku announced himself slightly before he was in sight.
"Oh no. You were right, Gaara." Ranma said, sitting up and rubbing his eyes.
"Isn't he cute?" Haku said, gesturing to Naruto and then to Sasuke. "I got two of them this time!"
"Couldn't you be interested in her, instead?" Ranma said, wearily pointing to Sakura.
"Nope!" Haku said, cheerfully.
"At least it isn't that Kabuto guy..." Ranma said to himself.
"Hey!" Naruto said suddenly, "Aren't you the guys I met before the exams?"
"Yes. What are you, stupid?" Gaara said, bored.
"Yes." Sasuke responded.
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"Hey!" Naruto said, suddenly.
"What is it now, Naruto?" Sakura asked, angry at her idiotic partner.
"I just realized what Sasuke meant ten minutes ago, right before Gaara gave us his spare heaven scroll! That was mean!"
'Did it really take him so long to figure out?' Sakura was disturbed.
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"So. Second." Ranma was royally pissed.
"It appears they had already collected two scrolls when I saw them. They ran for the tower when I went to find you." Gaara answered, calmly preparing to restrain the insane Ranma.
"You saw them? And didn't stop them?" Ranma was frothing at the mouth.
"You did tell us to be nice to anyone who was nice to us, you know. We don't want to make any enemies, you said!" Haku tried to mediate.
Ranma deflated immediately. "You're right, Haku."
"You don't always have to come in first, Ranma." Gaara let slip a parting shot.
"What did you say!" Ranma began fuming once more.
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"Anko! Examiner!" The shouts reached her as she finished her dango.
"What is it?" She asked, throwing the wooden skewer with such force that it lodged itself in the tree, completing her sign of Konoha.
"Orochimaru is in the Forest!"
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"So..." Ranma began, having calmed down. "this scroll..." He trailed off, not looking up to see his companions' faces.
"You'll... You'll be happy, Ranma. I won't stop you." Haku turned away.
"No. I'm happy already. Summoning Jutsu!" He cried, opening the scroll.
A splash of water resounded through the almost-empty stadium in the main hall of the tower.
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"Stop!" Gaara ran to catch up to Haku.
"No!" Gaara noted that Haku's voice was slightly off, sounding almost exactly as if he was distracted.
"Please. You should be used to it by now. It's just how Ranma is." Gaara put his hand on his older brother's shoulder. "Besides, we both know it's been desired for a long time now."
"You're right. I should be happy. I am, it's just..." Haku trailed off, looking around. "The Jounin guards of this tower have run off in a hurry. Maybe we should check it out."
"I'll get Ranma. You go on ahead." Gaara went to find Ranma, who had been surprised enough by Haku's reaction that he'd run himself.
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Naruto was struggling to hold the giant snake at bay. "You're just a scared kitten!" He yelled at Sasuke, defiantly.
Sasuke stood back a step, realizing his position fully.
Orochimaru laughed, and the snake tossed Naruto into the air before him. "It would be fun to study you..." Orochimaru began, "But I have better things to do. Five Element Seal!" With that, Naruto's chakra all but disappeared. He began to fall from the air to the hard ground below.
"Now... for you..." Orochimaru made a hand seal, and his neck stretched impossibly, allowing him to bite into Sasuke's neck. A strangely shaped bruise was left under the bite.
As he reversed his neck stretching technique, he felt a sudden sting in the neck and realized he could not retrieve his head – it was stuck five meters out, flailing slightly and beginning to droop as he lost motor control in his face and shoulders. Two fine needles protruded from his neck at odd angles along his extended skin.
"You hurt Naruto-chan! I won't forgive you!" A masked figure stood on a lower branch, holding Naruto's fallen form protectively.
Orochimaru's eyes widened. "ANBU? No... he is wearing a... Sound mark?" Orochimaru became angry. "You aren't one of my ninjas!" with another hand sign, the needles dropped out and his head returned to normal function.
"No? Your ninjas? Why would a simple Mist genin have his own ninjas?" Haku said, in a light, whimsical tone.
"Rargh!" Orochimaru roared, and attempted to attack Haku, but quickly realized his mistake.
Dropping Naruto outside of the circle of ice mirrors, Haku disappeared into a mirror. "You have fallen into my trap. There is no escape."
"I thought this bloodline had died out! This is even better than that brat, Sasuke. I will make you mine!" Orochimaru screamed, and lunged at a mirror, only to fall back, covered in puncture wounds and needles.
"You won't make anyone anything. You can't get out of this circle."
Orochimaru roared again, but then calmed. "I can't get out... but I can go around. See you when I come to take you!" He slipped under the ground, smirking and leaving behind the skin of the unfortunate Mist ninja.
Haku remained in the mirror passively for a few seconds, before letting them melt and falling next to the recovered Naruto. Naruto looked nervously at Haku, not knowing what the crossdresser was going to do, before Haku quickly removed his mask and came in close, embracing Naruto and planting a kiss on his lips. Returning his mask, Haku backed up a few steps.
Naruto was too dazed to respond as Haku fled back into a mirror, the mirror dropping after his fleeting form completely removed itself from the scene. It shattered into three even pieces.
"Sasuke... I'm confused." Naruto stumbled in a circle.
"Ha." Sasuke took a sage pose. "You just got kissed by a man, Naruto."
"But... he didn't have the Adam's apple this time." Naruto tried to make an excuse.
"You are so pathetic..."
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"How was it?" Ranma asked, cautiously.
"Oh, nothing much. Some very powerful ninja got stuck in my most powerful trap, but managed to escape before I could kill him." Haku replied absentmindedly.
"I meant about what I did before... how are you taking it?" Ranma asked, fearing the worst.
"I guess... I've calmed down. It's as good as I thought. I kissed that Naruto-chan..." Haku took of his mask, revealing his girlish face, and adopted a dreamy look.
"I guess, after what I did, I can't object..." Ranma looked somewhat disgusted, but less tense.
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"I can't believe it took them the full ten days to finish!" Ranma was ranting.
"Don't worry so much. The third exam has to be soon." Gaara comforted him.
"Finally, I can see Naruto-chan again!" Haku cheered, removing his mask. "I even prepared ahead of time." Haku stood in front of Ranma. Mechanically, Ranma whacked him on the side of the head. "Too much information!" He declared. "Bad enough I have to stay in my girl form for this disguise..."
/If I surprised any of you that Ranma still has his girl form, you should be ashamed. Even if the curse is cured, he still has Henge no Jutsu. But you'll see, if you haven't figured it out yet./
"Hmm. The examiner for the third exam is motioning for us to come down there and listen." Gaara said, emotionless. "Let's go."
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"Huh. Not even a match worth watching." Ranma turned his head childishly.
"But it's between the leading genin of his year in Konoha and another, older favorite! It has to be exciting!" Haku complained at Ranma's attitude.
"They are both too weak to care about! I want to see that Lee guy in action – he has more ki than any of these other Genins except us." Ranma continued to ignore Sasuke's struggle against his advantaged opponent, until his eyes opened wide at what he was sensing.
"What's that?" Ranma quickly asked the girl standing next to him, a teammate of Sasuke's, if he recalled correctly.
The pink haired girl answered dreamily, "That's his Sharingan! Isn't he great?"
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Ranma didn't even bother paying attention to the next fight, except to note that the bug-ninja was pretty creepy as well as sneaky enough to warrant special care, should he have to fight him. Ranma was too busy working on his technique to bother with any more than that.
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Ranma looked up from his hands. "What's that, Haku?"
"I said, I'm going to fight now!" Haku said, excitedly, "Wish me luck!"
"I needn't bother," Ranma said, with a strange gleam in his eyes, "I already know you'll win."
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"I will finish this match quickly. When I get a hold on you, you'd better surrender." The opponent of Haku said, overconfidently.
"I will finish quickly too, then." Haku said, equally arrogant.
"Begin the third match!" The examiner said, softly, coughing once afterwards.
They traded a few blows, and after the first exchange, Haku was left blocking a particularly useless arm strike. "You're slow," Haku remarked, offhand.
"Heh." The enemy did not say anymore as he suddenly grew loose and entangled Haku with his limbs, taking Haku by surprise.
"I can detach my limbs, and control them with my chakra. Give up, or I will strangle you to death, or simply break your neck."
"Fair enough," Haku said, slowly, "But would you take such a close grip on... a girl?" His mask popped off, revealing his girlish face once more.
The other ninja flinched for just enough for Haku to slip out of his grasp. He quickly summoned his ice mirrors and disappeared into a mirror.
"What is this?"
"You are now the one who is caught. Surrender, or I will only strangle you to death, or perhaps break your neck." Haku answered, mockingly.
The ninja tried to run for the edge of the mirrored circle, but was stopped short by a barrage of needles.
"Just kidding," Haku said, "You'll die from the poison, instead." Tossing one last needle, she broke his forehead protector in two, revealing, as he died, the symbol of sound beneath the Konoha symbol on his forehead.
"Huh. Looks like you have a spy problem, Hokage-san." Haku said in the Third's direction as she left the field.
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"Another pathetic match, Eh, Ranma?" Gaara said, watching the two slow, weak girls duke it out.
"Shush, honey. Mommy is working now." Ranma said, half crazed.
"Whatever." Gaara went back to watching the fight, hoping that, at least, one of them would lose their top somehow.
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"Ranma!" Gaara said, urgently.
"What is it now?" Ranma said, turning to Gaara with a mad look on his face, more insane than angry.
"Ranma, your match is going to start without you!" Haku said, smiling for once visibly, having left his mask on the battleground.
"You know," Gaara remarked as Ranma jumped straight to the ground floor from the elevated watching balcony, directing his comment to Haku, "You don't even look different, to the naked eye."
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The examiner coughed again, then smiled. "Decided to join us, Ranko? Your fight is with Tenten. Begin."
Tenten immediately jumped back a few feet. 'A long ranged attacker, huh. This could actually be a workout.' Ranma thought. His eyes glowed with a strange energy as he contemplated his options, waiting for his opponent to make a move. When he realized she wanted the reactionary move as well, he went into action.
"Sharingan!" He yelled, causing Gai, the Examiner, the Hokage, and all of the Konoha ninja to take a second look at his eyes, which had changed into a spiral, fractal sort of shape.
Tenten paled. 'He has the Sharingan? How?'
"You won't win so easy! Ha!" Tenten yelled, more to boost her failing confidence than to psyche her enemy out. Gaara of the Desert had seemed strong, but his teammate had the Sharingan? It was impossible. She pulled a scroll out of thin air, and unrolled it, summoning a league of shuriken, kunai, and other bladed and pointed weapons to throw.
Ranma merely dodged them all, soundlessly, counting the letters on the scroll and already thinking in his mind how to reproduce the attack.
Tenten tried again, and this time, Ranma copied her leap, going so far as to unbalance her with a few ranged attacks of his own, thrown with exactly the precision Tenten displayed.
"Two scrolls!" Tenten yelled, losing her cool and throwing twice as many weapons as before. Ranma, however, did not try to counter or dodge. Instead, he yelled out his own attack.
"Water Element: Rain and Wind!" A sudden storm broke within the walls of the tower, soaking the combatants in cold water and blowing the weaponry off course, not to mention destroying both the scrolls.
Tenten stood up once more. "You haven't won yet." She said, snarling at her useless scrolls, but hiding the fact that she had more hidden.
"That's because the examiner hasn't called it yet." Ranma said, cockily. "You should surrender before I show you just how much I outclass you. You're ten years before having a chance at beating me!"
Tenten could not decipher the statement. 'He's only one year older, isn't he?'
Neji watched impassively with his Byakugan. "That energy matches the Sharingan exactly..." He said, talking to Lee beside him, "But this Ranma person has focused it... less than Sasuke... Oh no!" He said, raising his voice to a shout, "Tenten, look out!"
Ranma and Tenten both turned to look at Neji. Neji continued, "He's reached Sasuke's level with the Sharingan, but his Taijutsu level must be near Lee's! Think what he can do!"
Tenten turned back to Ranma, eyes once more wide open. 'He could copy all my secrets, like Sasuke did to Lee, and then use them with Lee's force? I should surrender just to avoid giving away all my techniques!'
Ranma smirked. "I am a quick learner. But you have lost, anyway. Take a look around you." Ranma gestured to the soaking wet floor. "I have changed the environment to my favor. You can't win."
"Why not?" Tenten said, getting ahead of herself – she had been about to surrender anyay.
"Water Clone Jutsu!" Ranma said, raising from the puddles around Tenten a score of copies of himself, some slightly distorted, with black hair instead of red and looking slightly bigger.
Tenten's biggest scare came when a water clone walked out of her soaking wet clothes, leaving her dry yet still shivering.
"I... I surrender." Tenten said, looking down.
"Match goes to Tendo Ranko, by surrender." The examiner moved on to the next match.
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Ranma barely cared as the second sound ninja of the day was soundly defeated. He did laugh at his own pun, though.
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"My Naruto-chan is fighting now!" Haku said, cheering him on.
"You know, I don't think he likes you as much as you like him..." Gaara said uncertainly.
"Shut up!" Haku said, turning quickly to face Gaara with eyes turning red.
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"I... don't think I can see you anymore, Naruto-chan." Haku said, across the arena.
"I... don't think he can hear you, you know." Gaara said, still standing over Ranma's sleeping form, passed out from boredom during Naruto's match.
"But his victory... it was so stupid!" Haku began crying. Gaara attempted to console him, accidentally stepping on Ranma's face while doing so.
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"So, that's an interesting eye technique," Gaara said, trying to get Ranma to at least evaluate his foes properly.
"Bah. Not as good as Sharingan." Ranma said.
"You... can only do one?" Gaara asked, confused.
"Sadly, yes." Ranma said, not even noticing the horrified look on Gaara's face.
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"My turn." Gaara said, before jumping down to the arena level, not needing his sand to cushion his fall like he had when he was younger.
"Well? Come down already."
Ignoring the antics of the fat ninja, Gaara continued to look at Rock Lee as he took some last minute advice from his trainer. Finally jumping down, Lee addressed Gaara. "I am happy to be fighting you so early."
"Early?" Gaara said, wondering if his opponent was engaging in pre-match mind games.
"We will not fight last!" Lee said, clenching his fist in the air before his face.
Sighing, Gaara got into a slight ready position.
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"That guy looks like he might have some good moves." Haku said, having moved to the other side of the balcony to talk with Naruto, "But nobody can beat Gaara."
"No," Naruto said, "Lee is incredible."
Haku just returned his mask to his face and watched the fight begin.
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"Let the ninth match... cough ... begin..." The examiner said, haltingly.
Lee immediately ran at Gaara, and, instead of the expected sand attack or defense, Gaara simply parried the jumping kick with his hands, letting Lee fall to ground in front of him.
Lee had to jump up again fast, however, because a wave of sand came crashing down on his previous position out of nowhere. "He's got taijutsu skill as well?" Lee asked himself, thinking of Neji.
Lee came at Gaara faster, and this time, Gaara let his sand do the talking. When he stood still for a second to pound on the sand with only his fists instead of his feet, Gaara sprang from behind the granular curtain and hit Lee with a glancing blow to the face, knocking him slightly out of his senses, forcing him to once again dart back.
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"What's going on?" Naruto asked Haku, turning away from the fight for a second.
"Physical attacks have a hard time affecting Gaara. His sand is an ultimate defense." Haku said, matter-of-fact-ly, "No one but Ranm.. Ranko... has ever even hurt Gaara. And even then, he barely got a bruise."
"Lee-san can match Ranko easily!" Naruto tried to explain.
"No. Ranko had to use a hidden technique of hers to even get close. Lee-chan has no chance." haku said solemnly.
"What's with all the cutesy nicknames?" Naruto asked, embarrassed.
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After a feint with his sand, Gaara had caught Lee's foot in a grab with his actual hand and sent him flying halfway across the arena floor. Lee quickly got up, in time to dodge another claw of sand and a sweeping kick that would have left him easy prey for the desert wave that followed it. He jumped into the air, twirling, until he reached the top of the giant stone statue at one end of the fighting area.
"Lee!" Gai called out, taking both fighters' attentions for the moment. "You can take them off!"
Lee looked conflicted for a moment, before reaching to his legs and removing two bulky packs from beneath his orange leg-warmers. "OK!" He shouted, before dropping them, to fall to the ground in an explosive sound and a cloud of dust.
"Weights?" Gaara said, shaking his head. "It's too bad he didn't think ahead. This match could have been fun."
Gai looked around the arena, hoping to see Lee emerge in a blinding array of attacks, but it was not to be.
The dust cleared to reveal Lee still on top of the statue and scared for his life.
"H-how?" Naruto said, amazed.
Haku answered slowly. "Sand is nothing more than pulverized rock. That cloud of dust included newly made sand for Gaara to use against Lee. He should have run before his leg-weights landed."
"Examiner!" Gaara said, not even looking at the bound form of Lee. "Call this match in my favor or I will break both his legs and arms. I do not wish to be cruel after I have won."
Lee looked at Gaara with a slight amount of fear only.
"I am sorry, Lee-san." Gaara said, turning back to Lee with sad eyes. "If you had fought someone else, you might have won. You deserve a chance in the finals, but you, the fifth best, were matched with the second best. You stood no chance, despite being among the top. Try again, Lee: Next year."
Gaara turned, jumping back to his place beside Ranma and only releasing Lee when the examiner finally snapped out of it and called him the winner.
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"That last match sucked!" Ranma said, once more bored out of his skull.
"That's because you think all matches without one of us in them suck." Gaara answered.
"We have a whole month until the real exams? Boor-ing!" Haku said. "I know! Let's thank Kasumi! Then we can see Naruto! Maybe he'll let us train with him!"
Ranma couldn't help but be caught in the contagious enthusiasm.
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AN: The third exam preliminary! Over! Ho ho ho ho ho!