Somewhere Out There: The Price of Reality
I awoke to glaring florescent lights, a cold floor, and a soft touch on my forehead. I blinked a few times, attempting to focus on the dark shapes in front of my face, succeeding to meet bright blue glasses and worried grey eyes. Smiling weakly, I struggled to sit up, currently cradled in someone's strong arms. As the faint scent of sandalwood hit my nostrils, I realized just whose arms they were, stiffening immediately and refusing to meet his eyes. I looked instead to Sadie, whose eyes darted between mine and Professor Snape's, trying to get her head around this entire situation that had played out in a manner of minutes.
"I guess you're not feeling well," Sadie stammered out nervously.
"Nonsense, I am completely fine," I replied, ignoring the snort that came from behind me. "I felt a little light-headed for a minute, though, and I should have sat down sooner. However, I assure you, I am perfectly fine." Again, I struggled to sit up, this time succeeding, only to groan as the dizziness came back in full force and the pounding headache that followed, my eyes narrowing in pain.
The pitch of Sadie's voice rose dramatically as she rambled on. "You can't be! You're all pale, your hands are ice-cold, and…"
"That is enough, Sadie. Miss Johnson's collapsing should be enough to confirm that she is not well. Unless you must push further, I must insist you let her rest," Snape said in a commanding tone.
"I have to call Amber! Nell is in no condition to work like this. She can't even sit up without looking like she's going to vomit!" As she rose to walk to the phone, my hand pulled her back down, her face closer to mine, the golden eyeliner twinkling in the light.
"Sadie, I cannot lose this job. You will not tell Amber any of this, do you promise? This is nothing but a freak accident. Now," I continued, getting to my feet and ignoring the pain, "I was just going to tell you that we were out of Natural Light singles in the beer cooler. There might be some in the back, but could you check please?"
Sadie gave me a look, but Snape's glare immediately closed off any retort she could have had, prompting her to smash through the light metal employees' door with a crash. Wincing at the sharp sound, a hand on my shoulder turned me towards dark glasses and a minute frown pasted on a pale face.
"What time does your shift end?" he asked me.
Glancing at the clock, I replied, "Four hours."
"Do not leave until I arrive. I'll pick you up." At this, he turned to leave, scowl firmly in place. I grabbed his arm roughly, making him glance over his shoulder with disdain.
"I want answers, Snape," I claimed with an icy tone.
"Don't we all, Nell Johnson?" he spat out with the same disdain he showed on his face, shaking his arm from my grasp. At the next crash of the metal door, we both glared at it. He turned abruptly and left, the door's bell making a high-pitched noise as he left without looking back.
Glancing at the clock again for the second time, I wished the hours to go by faster. I wanted, no, needed the answers I hoped Snape would give me.
When fifteen minutes of my shift remained, I glanced out the doors to see the shimmer of two headlights pull into "BISTO", the black car parking near the front entrance and its occupant removing himself from the car, this time without his glasses. His dark gaze met mine with an intensity that made me shiver. My body's response was completely alien to me. I wasn't supposed to be attracted to this man. He had left the Order of the Phoenix in shambles and condemned us all to die. I was supposed to hate him.
Yet, I could not. He was vulnerable, human as I was, and prone to the fate of human error. Fatigue had etched itself on his face, deep lines carved from years of service to the Dark Lord, a cruel master with one cruel fate. I wondered if the Dark Mark still lingered on his skin, the remnants of a loyalty all had questioned in the past. That was merely one of the questions I wanted to ask him, but this time, instead of bursting with anticipation to ask questions, I dreaded what I was going to hear. In my mind, I severely doubted his image of the Final Battle would be the same as mine. He was a Death Eater, still is a Death Eater, I pondered as I mentally corrected myself. How was I sure that he wasn't going to ship me off to Lord Voldemort the second I left this building?
The bell of the front door sounded as Snape entered, the tall, brooding man in a black, long-sleeved shirt, tailored black pants, and a deep green tie. However "professional" he looked contrasted significantly with the scowl firmly placed on his face, the deep lines accenting the sharp planes of his face in the harsh light. Sadie's eyes widened as he walked back through the door, throwing me a questioning glance as she turned to reach three packs of Pall Mall Reds. I didn't respond, bent on ignoring him and her until the end of my shift. Considering that I had ten minutes left, I started to count down my drawer, focusing on writing down the right amounts and not thinking of the light scent of sandalwood that now lingered around my register. I lifted my head up for a moment, eyes glaring, merely to find him looking on with an uninterested expression on his face.
With an irritated huff, I went back to my work, counting the dimes twice because of the distraction to make sure I was right. With a quick slam I shut my drawer, proceeding to close and print my totals for the night. I took extra time double-counting and re-adding all of my figures, making him very impatient, but I figured making him wait might make him answer my questions solely to get rid of me. He never particularly cared for Gryffindors much anyway. I smiled to myself as I thought this, stapling my reports to my log paper and tossing them in the drawer near the office. I grabbed my purse, clocked out, and walked out the door. I didn't look back, but unless Snape wanted to stand there for hours, I figured he would know to follow me.
"Get in," he commanded as the car emitted a noise and unlocked the doors. Dutifully, I followed, taking great care in buckling my seatbelt and holding my purse close to me. From the lights of "BISTO", I could see the tiredness in his eyes, and as he turned towards me to back out of the space, the dark circles under his eyes were haunting and stark against his pale skin. Biting my lip, I realized he probably didn't sleep much either under the circumstances.
I turned away, looking out the window on the other side, seeing the dark outline of trees against the midnight blue sky, the stars barely visible next to "BISTO", and felt a slight tug when the car began to move. A CD player had turned on sometime before and the haunting voice of a female sang to me through the car speakers. Just as quickly, Snape turned down the volume, leaving an empty silence where the music once was.
"Which way do I turn?" Snape asked, meeting my eyes for the first time that night.
"Go left, then two blocks straight. After that, turn right, and go four blocks, but stop before you reach the clothing store. I live in the apartments."
We drove in silence after that, Snape weaving his way through the streets of White Pine with the familiarity of a long-time resident. I gazed out the windows as the houses passed us by, some discarded toys still on the lawns, poised to collect the next morning's dew. I blinked once, twice, but the tears wouldn't stop this time. I finally had my connection to the magical world; it was nothing like I expected it would have been.
There was a sense of ignorance in being Muggle, survival and hope no longer in the forefront of the mind, but the loss was unbearable. As I turned my gaze from the window, the streetlights reflected off the tear tracks on my cheeks, making them blink with an unearthly light. Fate seemed so unrealistic, especially since I was sitting in an automobile with Severus Snape, feared Potions Master of Hogwarts and known Death Eater, crying my eyes out because the only link I now had to the magical world was a sarcastic, bitter, and evil man. Fate was cruel.
I sensed the motion of the car slow to a crawl, then stop completely. As he parked and turned the key in the ignition, I finally broke the silence, unable to stand it any longer.
Bitterly, I broke out, "Why?" the only question I was able to ask, yet a multitude at the same time.
"A madman knows no difference between Muggle and Wizard, Miss Granger. The difference between friend and enemy became blurred in the Dark Lord's eyes after time," he remarked with a deep sadness. "Even Death Eaters were not spared."
"You mourn for those…killers? They murdered my family, my friends, my mentors, and everything I loved in one final sweep of madness! How can you mourn them?" I asked icily.
"Miss Granger, killers they may have been, but they were also human. We are all entitled to err. It is the human way to make mistakes, sometimes devastating mistakes,' he said, clutching his left arm tightly, as if forcing away the memories to fade away.
My eyes softened at his grimace, my left hand leaving my lap to touch his elbow. He shrank away from my touch, much like a wounded animal nursing its own pain. I pulled my hand away quickly, clenching my hand into a loose ball and dropping it into my lap. Again, I noticed they were cold, but I ignored it for the moment. Looking towards the apartment building, I felt the weighty silence close in and I opened the car door, letting in the sound of crickets and night frogs.
"Does it burn at times, Professor?" I questioned.
"No. He thinks us all dead, his pathetic faithful," Snape spat out with malice.
"You need not hide it here," I said in a comforting tone. "Hiding the truth is futile."
"Miss Granger, I could say the same to you, except you do not know these people as I do. There is much more to them than meets the eye. Do be careful," he said, my hand still on the inside of the door.
"Professor Snape, I thought you would know I am not a complete…dunderhead," I whispered as my lips formed into a mischievous smile.
Suddenly, he turned his head forward, saying, "Nell, I think it is time for you to leave."
With a confused glance, I scooted out of the car, lifting myself and closing the door shut with a resounding sound inside the complex. The darkened window on the passenger side rolled down and I leaned in to find him looking at me. Not knowing what to say, I gave the car a pat, leaning back out the window.
"Your next coffee is free, Sullivan."
"Nothing is ever free, Miss Johnson," he claimed from inside the car, his face invisible to me as I watched him switch the car into reverse, pulling out of the space and leaving without a second glance.
I stood there, watching him leave, pondering over what we'd talked about. Realizing that he didn't give me any real answers to the question that I had asked, I cursed to myself. Fate played her part, but now I asked myself, what the hell was mine?
When I woke up the next morning, the sky was crying. Not small little teardrops either, but a torrential flood of tears pouring down and slashing into the windows with force. I groaned heavily with the realization I would be soaked before I got to work, but I prayed with all my might that it would disappear in a few hours. One click of the television was enough to tell me the rain was expected all day, dashing any hope I had of it clearing up.
As I was making breakfast, a yellow ball appeared from my bedroom, stretching out into a kitten with tufted ears and I smiled. Crookshanks would do the same, except he would use my leg to stretch, begging for a morsel of my food at the same time. Luckily, Lynx had learned to eat from the dish because I would not be fascinated about claw marks above my knee for the rest of my life. I stroked her head, the sound of content purring reaching my eyes from my seat at the table. It seems I was doing some good in the world with at least one being.
I finished eating with the kitten still weaving between my legs as I made my way to the bathroom. Braiding my hair tightly, I began to notice the lines and weariness of my own face, the mirror hiding nothing under the bathroom light. My face was still youthful, a sign of how young I still was, but there was an invisible pain hidden inside of it, the fire in my eyes dim and dying. I was getting thin, I knew, but the pay was steady. It was a part of me that didn't want to spend it on myself that kept me from doing so. I saw no point in filling an empty apartment with even emptier new memories, ones of Nell Johnson, the Muggle, not Hermione Granger, a brilliant witch extraordinaire. Lynx was enough, I thought, as the warm fur once again tickled my bare legs and ankles.
Turning away from the mirror, I trailed my fingers towards the three scars, my memories of Bellatrix at the edge of my mind. They were ugly, twisted masses glaring white against my pale skin, pink-tinged at the edges where they had been healed. The first started at the bottom tip of my shoulder blade, curving around to the front where it ended an inch below my left breast. An inch lower on my side, the next started, curving and ending just above my navel, but the last one was the worst. It was the most frontal, starting at the waist and making a line down to just above my knee while crossing my hip bone and curving around the swell of my thigh. I stared at them, gazing at them in the mirror. They looked even more disfiguring in the light and I quickly covered them again, rubbing at my side self-consciously afterward.
Dressed, I went back into the bedroom, my gaze catching on the tiny box on the old oak dresser. As my fingers grazed over the lid, I opened it, catching the glint of gold. Impulse led me to put it on, fitting it on the index finger since I'd lost weight, and the rubies glinted back at me on my right hand. It was a little gaudy now, especially with the new life I'd undertaken, but it fit me. I reasoned to myself that a little bit of beauty never hurt anyone. As if in response, the diamond caught the light and blinded me with its brilliance for a moment, before fading down to its normal glimmer. I shut the box, holding it in my hand then setting it down when I looked at the clock, cursing as I went. Silently, I prayed I wouldn't be late to work, because I would have to run and it was still raining.
As I locked the door to my apartment, I felt a presence loom up behind me and I stiffened, barely even moving to breathe. My body tensed, fit to run as if I had a wand pointed at the base of my spine. I spun around like a flash, drawing back my left hand with force as I looked into the eyes of the intruder. My hand dangled helplessly on top of the one clamped around my wrist, the rain pelting it mercilessly, as my mouth open and closed in shock as I stared deep into the eyes of Severus Snape. His mouth curved into the hint of a smile and his eyes danced in amusement as he let go of my hand, pushing me into the direction of his car.
"Miss Granger, I do not want to get soaked getting a cup of coffee. Get in the car and don't drip on my seats," he claimed as he threw himself in the driver's side, motioning for me to follow.
I followed suit, shutting the door quickly and cuddling into the warmth of the seat behind me. He pulled out of the complex, following the same route I had showed him late the night before. We rode in silence, but I gazed at him from my seat. I knew he could feel my scrutiny, yet I took in my fill. Sometime between yesterday and the present, I had stopped caring what Severus Snape would think. I was just another inconvenient connection to his haunted past, someone that meant something on a level unlike any other in this town. He would have to come to terms with that, not me. It was not my fault I ended up here. I blamed fate as I did any other time.
His raven hair was tucked back behind his ears, curving down the length of his strong jaw. The nose, always sharp and large, fit his face and its many faint lines. I saw for the first time the minuscule parts of Severus Snape, the crow's feet around his eyes, the pinkish tint to his lips set in a firm line, and the dark color of his eyes, so dark to be almost black. Never once during my scrutiny did he look towards me or tell me to stop. However, when a lock of hair fell from behind his ear and I reached up to push it away, his response was vehement.
"I do not think that wise, Miss Granger."
I left it be, dangling, concealing his eyes from me as the white gas pumps of "BISTO" finally came into view. When he parked, I unbuckled myself and turned towards him with my right hand on the car door handle.
"Don't you want your coffee? I would hardly think you would leave the automobile running if you came inside."
He pointed downwards towards the coffee cup sitting in his cup holder already before meeting my gaze.
"As I said, Miss Granger, nothing is ever free."
I nodded, lifted myself from the car, and leaned back in.
"Thank you, Professor Snape."
With a curt nod, he waited for me to close the door. I did so, watching his hands deftly move over the automatic shift to reverse and then drive off into the heavy rain. I ran inside to escape the storm, noticing I was five minutes early. I smiled, gazing over my shoulders and off into the darkened streets. I saw Sadie behind the register giving me a grin and I smiled a bit. It is not every day one finds a diamond in the rough, but I was proud to say I found human qualities in one Severus Snape. It gave this dreary world just a little bit more hope.