Somewhere Out There: Lonely Faces
I still stood in shock, my hands faintly smelling of Lynx's blood when I felt another warm hand on my shoulder. I looked up towards the officer and nodded slightly.
"Miss Johnson," he said, "I wish we could have met another way."
"Officer…Fisher," I replied, looking at the shiny nameplate on his brown uniform, "I would have to agree with you."
"Let me say goodbye to Kelly for her hospitality and then we can deal with the…damages."
At the officer's nod, I went into the house through the same door Kelly had used a few minutes earlier. I walked through the foyer with its Americana decorations, passing through the muted living room in light colors to the pastels of the kitchen. The light was harsh after the deep stain of night on my eyes, but I adjusted quickly to it, focused on where Kelly was gently washing my kitten with tender strokes, cleaning off the blood. She glanced over at me as I entered, pointing to a bar stool set up on the one end of the kitchen counter.
"I had David call the veterinarian. He's coming right to the house so he can fix her up. It looks like the extent of the damage might be a few broken ribs, but there are a few places of burned fur. However, since she's so young, I have no doubts that she'll recover. She can stay here as long as she needs to while you deal with the incident." She smiled at me, her green eyes filled with life. "David's already fallen in love with her. She will be well cared for, I'm sure."
I could barely squeak out my next question to her. "Am I really that evil?"
Kelly frowned at this, giving me a hard look that told me otherwise. "Nell, I believe that you want to blame yourself for this," she emphasized, pointing to my injured kitten. "These people, as much as they are my friends and neighbors, are sheltered. They only see what they want to see. It has been two years for Sullivan and it is still a struggle. It tends to be the truth that friends are less forgiving than enemies…around here, at least. You cannot blame yourself for something you did not do."
"Oh, but how I can," I responded with a wistful sigh, thinking about all the hatred and evil I did nothing against and the deaths of my friends that I believed I caused.
"Only if you accept it that way," Kelly stated in a matter-of-fact tone.
"I will never be the pristine person these people want me to be. Neither will Sullivan. We make mistakes, all of us do. Can't people see that?" I cried, holding myself up high on the stool, hatred burning in my eyes. "We are humans, not gods," I finished, the pride and courage in my speech dwindling as I took in what I said.
She made a sweeping motion with her hand, soft foam falling from her hand onto the countertop as the bubbles popped and swirled into water, staining the white a misty blue with their coloring. "I know you are. Have you ever thought that they might be a little human as well?"
I gazed at the charred fur of my kitten one last time as tears began to fill my eyes and my shoulders began to shake. Vaguely, I heard the water shut off and the screen door open as wrenching sobs drew from my body, my head buried in my crossed arms on the counter. I felt Kelly move closer, wrapping me in a soft hug and letting me cry as all mothers do. Slowly and with agonizing pain, I wept about it all in silence, the memories coming full tilt and escaping in rapid gulps with my breath. Sick of suffering, my body let all of my emotion play through the tears.
After a long moment, my sobs began to ease and Kelly's soothing nonsense words started to calm me. At this point, I felt a warm, long-fingered hand being placed on mine, curling around the hair splayed on top of them. Not caring how nasty my hair must look, I clung to the hand like a lifeline, squeezing it until I heard a sharp gasp of pain. I quickly loosened my grip a bit, but still held it with some force, the calloused pad of the thumb trailing a cool line over my skin.
Finally, my sobbing lessened and ceased, the only sound in the room being my heavy breathing and the soft mewls of Lynx from the kitchen sink. I raised my head, my messy curls catching in Snape's fingers before slipping free to join the rest of my bushy mop. I knew I looked a mess, my makeup smeared over my eyes that along with my red bloodshot eyes made me look even less presentable than I had been before. Before I knew it, Snape's hand was softly touching the skin on my neck as he pulled my hair back into a loose bun, a few loose strands escaping his grasp to float back to the front of my face. The sensation drew an involuntary shiver from my body, but whether it was from the warm touch of his hand or a spark of electric lust I couldn't discern. It was gone as soon as it came, replacing by the soothing tones of his voice as he spoke.
"Nell, we need to go. The investigation can wait until tomorrow and you need rest." He looked deep into my eyes for a moment before I turned away, throwing my gaze to the other side of the room. The overwhelming intensity in his eyes was too much for my overworked brain to handle at this point. I stood, pushing the stool back into the counter and gave Kelly a warm hug.
"Thank you for everything. I couldn't ask for anything more."
With an enigmatic smile, Kelly nodded, looking at me and Snape with an unreadable expression. At long length, she agreed with me.
"You don't need to ask. What you really want will be…freely given," she claimed, pursing her lips for a second in thought.
Her eyes softened at me, placing a reassuring hand on my shoulder, promising that everything would be taken care of, no matter how long it took. As I strode out the door after Snape, I looked back and there were tears in her eyes, shimmering in the pale light from the house. I didn't bother to ask why she was crying. Some people just do.
I was silent the entire trip. I looked up at the stars, twinkling happily in the night sky as beacons for weary travelers and lost souls. They gave no help to me, a woman stuck in the center of a very small universe, neither lost nor found to her. I was merely floating, drinking in the taste of bitter water as my mind came back down to earth. My heart was playing over the words that Kelly had said to me in one way while my logic took them another way. It was a rather intriguing distraction for the time being, my eyes closed as I feigned sleep to hide from Snape's intense gaze.
Feeling the turns, corners, and smooth ride of the car within my body, I finally listened to the soft music playing in the background as I took in the contrast between the female voice and the instruments. The lyrics began to wash over me, causing me to turn up the music a bit to hear them better. As I did this, I saw Severus tense from the corner of my eye, tightness in his figure that I noticed many times before. I placed my hand on his knee, the chill of the air conditioning lingering on his slacks. Unlike the last time I attempted to touch him, however, he didn't push me away or warn me off. His body welcomed the soft caress, easing into my touch as I felt the slight motions of his foot working the pedals. It made a soft smile come to my face as I turned my head towards him, leaning my head back against the seat to take in his reaction.
His face turned towards mine at a stop sign, his foot still pressed on the brake. When he looked at me, his expression softened, his dark eyes guarded but burning into my very being. A beep of a horn sounded behind us, breaking the moment and painting the very familiar scowl over Snape's features. I smiled broadly and turned, snuggling into the soft seat of his car as we weaved through the streets of White Pine, the soft music lulling me into a light sleep as the car rocked like a cradle to my tired form.
The next thing I heard was a soft click as sandalwood wrapped around me, my limp body a dead weight as Snape extracted me from his car. A small chuckle made me smile and I wrapped my arms tiredly around his neck, still drifting between sleep and wakefulness as he lifted me with little effort from the car, taking care not to bump my head against the top of the door. I snuggled closer in his arms, sucking in the warmth and heat of his body as we made a rather short trek from the cool night into the warm air of his home.
Drifting between dream and reality, I felt slight motions as Snape's chest rumbled in speech, but I was too far in between to focus on what he was saying, though I wondered who was there to speak with him. I heard a few doors open and close and a little bit of shuffling before I was lain down on a soft bed, my arms still wrapped lightly around Snape's neck. As my head sunk into the pillow and the weight of my own arms dragged them down to my chest, I whispered to him.
"Stay."
A light caress from the bottom of my ear to my chin made me shiver, drifting off into sleep, barely catching the last words he said before the room faded into dreams.
"If only I could…"
I woke the next morning to the smell of eggs and bacon being cooked, the savory aroma filtering through the crack under the door. My stomach grumbled in protest, not having eaten since the cookout at Kelly's home. Scowling down at it, I pushed off the tangled covers while noticing that I still remained in my clothes from last night, horribly wrinkled from sleeping in them. I sat up in bed, rubbing the sleep from my eyes and yawning mightily, stretching my arms up as my muscles protested.
As I sat, I took in my surroundings. The walls were a rich, light brown with cream accents and a large wooden vanity with pale silver handles was placed near the bed, facing the closed door. Golden yellow curtains were tied back from the four-poster bed, light spilling onto the dark brown comforter from the large set of ivory French doors leading to a balcony. I spied an open door near those doors, noticing pale tile on the other side to signal an adjoining bathroom. When I rose, my feet sank into the plush carpeting, its cool cushion soothing their cramps.
After I had relieved myself in the opulent connecting bathroom, I drifted off towards the exotic smells coming from what I believed to be the kitchen. Along the way, I stared at the fine vintage lamps and other collectibles perched on decorative tables here and there, far enough apart to avoid any unexpected collisions. It surprised me that after only two years, Snape would have had the means to accumulate such expensive items or even want to have such extravagance around him. As I looked closer, however, I noticed the differing styles, the cold metal of pewter and shimmering silvers next to the finest, fragile china. I smiled as I noticed that the complexity of one's home tended to be like its owner.
My stomach grumbled again, prompting my search for the kitchen to quicken my step. I rounded another corner and gasped. The door to the kitchen stood wide open, the light pouring in from the open windows onto the polished dark surface of the countertop. A small amount of smoke came from the oven where this morning's breakfast was baking, but it held no interest for me now as my mouth hung open staring at the blinding blonde hair of Snape's companion in the rays of the summer sun. My eyes settled on the black ones of Snape's, shock plainly evident on my face as he made to stand, extracting his hands from their intertwined position with the woman's on the large kitchen table.
"Hermione…" he said as he started to rise, meaning to make for me at the door.
"You bastard," I whispered as tears filled my eyes before I turned and fled. I ran, not caring about anything other than the relative safety of my own room to which I could slam the door on the sudden jolt of reality that shot through me. When I finally got to the room after dashing through the many corridors of the large home, I threw myself on the bed, large sobs wrenching themselves from my body as pain hit my stomach and my face became buried in the pillows. Severus Snape had lied to me. He wanted no part in my life and I wanted no part in his. As I dwelled on the situation I was currently in, I frantically bit my lip. There was no way to leave, both of us unwilling partners in an unwanted connection that was forced upon us by the magical and muggle world.
Distracted in my thoughts, I crossed to the French doors, opening them and going out into the warm morning sun. The warm breeze caressed my tear-stained cheeks and red-rimmed eyes, whispering its light tune across my face. If I listened hard enough, I could hear the voices of my friends, carried across oceans to fall on my ears as I remembered them, my ears straining for their whispered advice which I would never hear. Sudden pain at feeling completely alone drained me, forcing me to grip the balustrade for support under the immense pressure of emotional pain. I leaned forward, chest cuddling the unforgiving iron as my head leaned over the railing, soft footsteps falling quickly behind me as I slowly sank down to the ground, supported by two strong arms and long-fingered hands.
Too weak to push away, I merely sagged into Snape, the scent of sandalwood reaching my nose again. My eyes fluttered open and closed for a few moments before I regained focus, planting a firm scowl on my face and a bit of hatred in my eyes. When my head finally stopped hurting, I violently pushed him away, standing up and making for the doors that led back into the house.
"Miss Granger, I would suggest you not act so hastily," he remarked with a bit of steel in his tone.
Wheeling on him, I tossed a few choice words back at him. "I would suggest, Professor Snape, that you keep your advice to yourself, you arrogant, lying…"
"That is enough!" he ground out through clenched teeth, fury seething in his eyes as he drew closer to me, clamping his hand around my upper arm with growing force. "I will not argue over petty things with you. They are of no concern to you, and I order you to keep yourself at a safe distance from my personal life, lest you find yourself a little too close," he replied, pulling me close to his body, the heat radiating from his eyes down into mine.
Anger filled me as I struggled out of his grasp. I rubbed my reddening arm as I glared at him, turning hastily and whipping my hair into his face and eyes, walking at a quick pace down to the kitchen. Instead of stopping me this time, Snape merely followed along behind, his eyes set on me the entire way downstairs. I reached the kitchen again, slamming open the door to find the place empty. I scowled even deeper, smelling the burnt breakfast of the morning as my stomach growled. A soft sigh behind me reminded me that Snape knew his breakfast was ruined as well, but I only smirked at his loss. It was a small victory for my heart in that moment until the door opened again, a slight creaking to the left.
I heard wheels moving over tile and as the person came into view, I gasped in shock at the sight that stared back at me with very blue eyes, blond hair, a quirked eyebrow, and large smile. Feeling a chair placed behind me, I sank onto it, still staring at the young woman I knew. Finding my words as I glanced over the slight body, my mouth dropped open in astonishment as she moved across the floor in her wheelchair, legs useless beneath her.
"Miss Granger, if you have now quite your childish whining, I would like to introduce you to Celeste. However," he continued, standing behind his charge as the darkness against light became once again a stark reminder of the war, "you two have already met. In fact, Hermione, I believe you were dear friends."
Pushing the woman forward in her chair so the sun lighted across her face, the soft features of her life filled now with many faint lines, he pointedly asked me to face my past without any restraints or barriers.
"Hermione, it's all right. The war changed everyone," the small woman responded, barely older than a teenaged child, bright blue eyes blazing with life and fire so unlike the body I now faced.
"No, Luna, not like this. You're…dying," I responded, tears springing anew to my eyes in response as I took in her gaunt frame and pale skin.
"We all are, Hermione. It's only a matter of when."
With a sweeping turn, Snape left us alone, the burnt breakfast dealt with and the room once more silent. As Luna and I stared into each other's eyes, I rose to grasp the handles of the chair, slowly turning her and leading her out into the open garden, a place where we could talk. Her hand reached back to mine, light warm fingers touching my cool ones as her face turned back to mine.
"We survived. To them, that's all that matters," she stated with a grim expression on her face that even the morning sun couldn't remove.
As much as I hated to say it, I silently agreed with her. Wizarding England would never be the same for us, and now, America seemed to be getting different too.