Two Princes

Chapter 5 - Late Winter

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Kanaan

It had been half a season since Teyla had almost been lost, and now the icicles outside in the camp were starting to melt. The days were still cold, the air harsh to breathe at times, but there was more heat to the sun when it was at its peak.

Kanaan moved through the cold towards their tent. The snow had become slush across the camp and Kanaan suspected that any early spring rains in the future would turn the camp into a muddy mess.

He pushed aside the tent entrance flap and was greeted by silence inside. His eyes dropped to the mat where Torren was usually to be found playing and crawling around. Teyla had built a small pen that they could set up around that area to prevent Torren from crawling out of the tent without their notice. Now though, the pen was closed up against the wall and Torren was absent.

Teyla's hunting jacket lay over one chair and he moved further into the tent to discover her combing her damp hair, clearly having just washed.

"Teyla," he greeted her and she smiled. "You went out with the hunting party?" He asked.

"Yes, new game has begun to return to the hills from the valleys again," she replied as she looked away from him and back to the small mirror she had brought with her from Earth. He looked down at her turned shoulder and couldn't help but feel the distance.

"I thought you said you were reluctant to go back up to the hills," he pointed out.

She laughed a little. "I said that in the days following my accident, Kanaan." The smile she gave him seemed to be slightly condescending, but he tried to ignore that reaction. It had not been that long ago since she had been returned to him as if from death. Saved by the sole efforts of Colonel Sheppard. The memory of the man stepping out from the Jumper with Teyla in his arms was unlikely to be one Kanaan would ever forget. The shame Kanaan had felt since that day had been a heavy weight for him to bear. He should have had more faith in Teyla. He had almost let her die – all of them had. There had been a strained atmosphere throughout the camp after her return. Perhaps everyone, like him, had felt the emotional weight of the fact that they had given up on her, as Sheppard had so angrily pointed out before he had gone and actually found her.

Since that day, and especially through her short recovery, Kanaan had felt guilty and shameful of himself. He had explained himself to Teyla once she was well and she had been understanding and told him that he was not to blame, that she would have done the same. But, she would not have he knew – she would have done as Sheppard had and scour the entire planet looking for someone else. Though, Kanaan had also entertained the idea that perhaps it was because it had been Teyla that Sheppard had been so determined. Kanaan wondered if he had been the one lost, whether Sheppard would have been so passionate about finding him as he had been Teyla.

They were twisted dark thoughts that bothered Kanaan. So, he had tried to make it clear to Teyla how much she meant to him, how sorry he was, but it seemed that something had been broken. She had absolved him of guilt, but he carried it anyway. There was a distance between them and despite all Kanaan did all he felt from her was polite distancing. Since they had returned to live with their people he had been battling to reconnect with her, but the distance had just seemed to grow. Now, with the events of her rescue and his failure to save her, he felt that she was even further from his grasp. But, when he attempted to speak to her about it, she would simply say the same things – that she forgave him, that he should not blame himself and that she was happy living back with their people. But, some deep emotional damage had been done between them and he had no idea how to fix it. And she did not seem inclined to help him. It had begun to annoy him.

"Why did you not tell me you were going hunting?" He asked.

She set down her comb and looked back at him along her beautiful shoulder. "It was a last moment decision since the game was only just spotted, and besides I assumed others would have told you."

"And what if you had been lost again? How would we have known where you were?"

She frowned lightly. "I was with others and plenty in the camp knew where I was, Kanaan." She reached out and touched a hand against his, but the action felt slightly patronising, like how an adult reassures a child. "You need not worry that I will be hurt again. I will look where I walk from now onwards." There was a smile on her lips as she said that. Though she had been able to laugh about her close brush with death, Kanaan had not, and her words only reminded him of Sheppard again. He had heard Sheppard say to her repeatedly since to 'remember to look where you're walking this time' when she headed off somewhere. It had clearly become a joke between them, but Kanaan could not see the funny side. She had almost been lost!

"Forgive me for being concerned for you," he replied grumpily, regretting it instantly. He should not react this way, after all he had almost given up on her. A familiar look of forced patience settled over her features.

"Kanaan, I appreciate that you are concerned for me, but you are not my guardian."

The words were rather harsh and Kanaan felt them as a near physical blow. "I am only worried for you."

She nodded patiently. "I am fully capable in looking after myself when hunting."

"You almost died in that cave," he pointed out.

"But, I was keeping close with the hunting party today. It was a lesson for all of us to keep the lines closer and to keep in constant contact when the weather is heavy." She had already moved away from the conversation and Kanaan squashed down his bitter feelings again. "We have all learnt from what happened and it is time to move on." She had said this several times before, but Kanaan couldn't help but feel that things had changed much more than that.

To keep the peace he nodded and moved away from her, heading into the main area of the tent, looking down to where his son usually played. A hug with his son would help him feel better. "Where is Torren?" He asked her.

"He is with Colonel Sheppard," Teyla replied. Of course he was, Kanaan thought.

"I will collect him then," Kanaan replied as he moved towards the exit. He would fetch his son from Sheppard and enclose his family around him for this evening.

------

Sheppard

John moved away from his seat as he spotted Torren crawling towards a break in the circle of chairs in the centre of which the play area had been set up. John picked Torren up, his little arms still waved in a crawling motion for a few seconds. The boy cried out grumpily.

"He's got some good speed to him," Lorne said with a laugh as John carried Torren back to the centre of the play area, which John had created out of a circle of chairs with thick mats inside to keep off the cold from the ground.

"He's crafty as well," John replied. Despite the fact that Torren could stand and walk for short distances, Torren seemed to prefer crawling, and heading off on his own adventures.

Lorne was sat on the outside of the chairs turned towards the landscape, a handcrafted easel set up before him. John sat back down on his chair and looked at the canvas Lorne had made. The view beyond it was beautiful, the snow melting away exposing the bare branches of the trees around them. "You need to paint faster to catch the snow before it's gone."

Lorne nodded as he dipped his brush in the white paint. "It's going to be almost a year you know, since we got here." His tone had been conversational, but the emotion was clear behind it.

John nodded as he looked away from the forming painting and back down at Torren, who was looking back up at him with an assessing look. John suspected Torren was planning another escape attempt. There were times when John felt that Torren was considerably more clued into the world than he should be at his age. John returned Torren's look and the kid laughed lightly before turning his attention to his wooden blocks, but John wasn't fooled – an escape attempt would soon follow, he was sure of it. God knows what Torren was going to be like when he was running around! That thought led back to Lorne's comment.

"We can't be all that sure that a year on this planet equals a year back home," John pointed out. But, then they had already worked out that the days were longer here, by their estimate over the seasons, a day on this planet was roughly 28 hours by their still functioning watches. John hadn't bothered to count days here, and it appeared neither had Lorne.

"Then we could already have been here longer than a year," Lorne pointed out. There wasn't any sadness to the man's voice, just an observation. But, when looking at Torren John suspected that the years were shorter here. By Earth standards Torren had been ten months old when Teyla had left Earth, since he and Lorne had been trapped here, and there was no way Torren was almost two years old yet development wise.

"Well, it's probably passing fast for you, what with your new company," John joked as he watched Lorne expertly touch some white paint to the canvas capturing the last vestiges of snow clinging to a distance branch. Lorne's cheek twitched despite his concentration.

"You're just jealous," the Major replied. Their friendship continued to be one of John's many solaces here. Though, there was a touch of regret in John's heart. Lorne appeared sometimes to have settled in here a lot more completely than John. John looked back down to Torren who was pushing over his built up tall tower of blocks. Giggles filled the air.

"Just making an observation," he remarked innocently to Lorne, looking back to see more snow had appeared across the canvas. He saw the smile on Lorne's face.

"Fera is good company, yes," Lorne replied.

John smiled. "Yes, the company, that's the part you enjoy."

Lorne laughed, but John could see the touch of red to his cheek. John looked away to see that the latest escape plan was being executed. Torrens's little arms and legs were pumping as he made his way under the furthest chair from John. It only took two strides for John to reach the chair and he peered over the top of it just as Torren appeared from under it. The baby realised he had been made so looked up and smiled at John.

"And where are you going?" John asked. Torren stayed under the chair, perhaps hoping that would discourage John from pulling him out from under it. A large baby smile didn't fool John. "You want to crawl out across the cold ground and get trodden on do you?" John asked.

"Yes!" Torren barked to John's amusement.

"I don't think so," John replied and reached under the chair, wrapping his hands around Torren's middle. He could feel the tension in the boy and knew grumpy crying would soon follow, so as he pulled the boy out from under the chair he tickled his little sides. The crying turned into giggles and then loud boisterous laughter as John leant down and blew a raspberry against Torren's belly. Small hands gripped his hair tightly and pulled.

"Ouch!" John replied as he sat up and Torren cried "more!" brightly. So John picked the boy up and blew another raspberry against his neck as he carried Torren back to the blocks. But, once John put Torren down he tried to crawl away again, back towards the furthest chair. John caught him up again.

"Look if you're going to try it again at least try another angle of attack," John explained to him as he sat Torren down again. "You need to keep them guessing, try different things," John instructed with humour as he sat down himself on the thick mat, using his legs as a subtle pen around the boy.

"Not sure you should be giving him tips," Lorne pointed out.

John gathered Torren's blocks and tried to renew the boy's interest in them, but had to drop them to stop Torren from climbing over his knee. Torren cried out unhappily, the sound defiant and frustrated.

"Now don't take that tone with me," John told him. Torren glared up at him, his lower lip protruding in an unhappy pout. "You think that's going to work on me? I've withstood McKay temper tantrums," John told Torren, and he heard Lorne snigger. Just the mention of Rodney's name brought that sad feeling back again for John. Friends never to be seen again.

John dropped all the blocks on the mat between him and Torren and began to build them up himself. Torren tried to pretend he wasn't interested at the small castle John was constructing, but it was one of his favourite games still. John got the castle pretty high before Torren reached forward and hit the blocks tumbling them down and the boy laughed haughtily.

"I heard him crying, is he alright?" Kanaan abruptly demanded from behind John, making him jump. John looked around in surprise at Torren's father who was on the outside of the ring of chairs and practically glaring at John.

"He's fine, just got grumpy because I wouldn't let him crawl off into the snow and slush," John explained with humour, trying to keep the conversation light.

He and Kanaan had not been getting on that well since the night when John had found Teyla. Before, they had been content with politely ignoring each other, but now there was a definite atmosphere between them. Where once John had felt it was all on Kanaan's side, being jealous or whatever about Teyla, now John knew he was half responsible for the atmosphere. Since that argument in front of a large number of the Athosians, John couldn't help but respond to Kanaan's attitude. They hadn't argued since, but it was clear that Kanaan was holding a grudge. Well, so was John, after all Kanaan had given up on Teyla. If John hadn't been in the camp Teyla would be dead and Kanaan, who should have been out in that snow every minute of every hour looking for her, had been warm in a tent feeling sorry for himself. Kanaan had written Teyla off, and try as he could John couldn't let that drop. It was unforgivable in John's opinion. Not, that he was going to have it out with Kanaan, but he would no longer just ignore Kanaan's attitude. The tension was building between them, but John had been making an effort not to lose his temper again. Teyla would not be impressed and besides he wasn't going to let Kanaan get to him that much.

So, it was with a calming breath that John turned back to Torren, not without noticing the frown Lorne sent Kanaan's way. Torren had noticed his father and pointed up to him and said "fater" which John tried not to find amusing.

"Father," John corrected Torren as the boy grinned up at Kanaan, but made no move towards him.

"He can play in the snow if he wishes," Kanaan said.

John looked round at Kanaan. "He did this morning, but you hardly want him crawling around on the camp ground," he pointed out patiently. Torren gripped one of John's hands, using it to leaver himself up onto his feet. John adjusted his hold on Torren automatically supporting him as the boy stood and walked the couple of steps closer to John, before he pointed up at Kanaan again.

"Fater!" Torren cried loudly.

Torren practically in his face, John wasn't really able to stop the smile this time and he was sure Kanaan saw it. He schooled his features as he looked back up at the Athosian. "You here to pick him up?"

"Yes," Kanaan replied. "Teyla and I are going to stay in our tent tonight." John wasn't all that sure why that comment bothered him so much. Why should Kanaan need to give him so much information other than to try and make a point of some kind? John decided to ignore it, so he wrapped one arm fully around Torren and stood up with him in his arm.

"Okay, short stuff, off you go," he said to Torren as he stepped to the chairs and handed the boy over to his father who stood on the other side. Torren grumbled again, squealing his disapproval, though he gripped tightly to his father's coat. Kanaan bounced Torren lightly. "He's been a bit grumpy today," John said in an attempt to make Kanaan feel a bit better about the fact that his son was crying in his arms.

"Yes, I heard," Kanaan replied rather sternly. "Are those all his toys?" Kanaan nodded down towards the collection at the centre of the mat.

John bit the inside of his lip with the retort he wanted to give, like maybe Kanaan should know the answer to that question already. "Sure," was all he said instead as he moved to where the toy bag was stored under one chair. He took a patient breath as he crouched down and began gathering up Torren's toys, annoyed at Kanaan for just standing and watching, though Torren had decided he was very upset that his play time was over. The squeals were unhappy and Kanaan's attempts thus far to calm him were unsuccessful.

John closed up the toy bag and moved towards Kanaan and Torren. As he handed over the bag he spoke to Torren. "Hey, little Buddy no need to cry, we'll play again tomorrow." Torren paused in his protests to listen.

"I am not sure if you'll be needed to sit with him tomorrow," Kanaan replied offhandedly.

"Just trying to be helpful," John replied, managing somehow to keep the sarcasm out of his voice.

"Yes, as you always are," Kanaan muttered as he adjusted the now quiet Torren in his arm.

"What's that supposed to mean?" John asked before he could stop himself. Behind him John thought he heard the sound of a paintbrush being put down.

Kanaan studied him for a long moment and John saw the consideration going on in the other man's head. He apparently decided not to follow through with it as he replied simply "Nothing."

However, John's back was up now and suddenly he wasn't going to take anymore of Kanaan's resentfulness. "You meant something, let's hear it." John's heart was speeding up and he realised how much he wanted to have this out.

Kanaan seemed to respond to the challenge, rather than back down as John had half expected him to - giving up was his thing after all. But, Kanaan stood up straighter, fire in his eyes. "Do not behave innocent, I know what this is all about," Kanaan stated.

"What is it about, Kanaan?" John asked. "That I found Teyla?" John edged slightly closer to the chairs that separated him from Kanaan. John was idly aware that a few faces were turning towards them across the open space behind Kanaan.

"Yes, you want to hold that over me, do you not?" Kanaan stated.

"Hold what over you? That I did what you should have done?"

Kanaan drew in a sharp breath, his nostrils flaring. "Of course that is all that you are interested in, is it not?" He said sarcastically. "Wanting everyone to appreciate you, so you can get all that you want."

John shook his head at him, and gestured to the camp around them. "What I want? Did you miss the fact that I've been cut off from my world, that there's no way back? You think that's what I want?!" John demanded.

A few people were gravitating closer behind Kanaan, keeping back, but ready to intercede. John heard Lorne moving around the chairs towards them.

"I think you guys need to calm down a little," Lorne suggested, but it was lost in Kanaan's reply.

"Well, maybe finally you will know what it is like to have your home world taken from you."

That cut John - he had not been expecting that. Lorne paused and turned to Kanaan. "Hold on now," Lorne began, now shifting his role from mediator to joining the argument.

"No, I will not," Kanaan argued back with Lorne, but his eyes never left John. An Athosian, Hakon, arrived behind Kanaan and laid a hand on his shoulder.

"Kanaan, does not mean that, we in no way blame those from Earth for what happened to Old and New Athos," Hakon said calmly.

Kanaan shook off Hakon's hand and instead turned and handed Torren over to the man. Hakon took the boy and someone else moved forward to take Torren out of harm's way. John was only vaguely aware of all of this, for he was too angry right now to look at anything but Kanaan.

"This has nothing to do with that, you're pissed because I made you look bad in front of your people and Teyla," John stated.

Kanaan pushed forward in response, leaning over the back of the chairs between them. "We had all agreed that there was nothing else we could do to find her."

"Well, you were wrong, weren't you?!" John pointed out angrily.

Kanaan's face paled at that, but the argument was far from over. He narrowed his eyes at John as Hakon's hand landed on his shoulder again. "You think I do not know what this is really about?" Kanaan demanded.

"What, Kanaan? Tell me," John pushed. Lorne beside him had turned towards him, his shoulder very so slightly between John and Kanaan. John sensed Lorne's request for calm rather than heard anything said.

"This is about Teyla," Kanaan stated. "That you want her for yourself and you think you are better than me!"

Heat flushed through John at the words, but he didn't let Kanaan win with that. "Better at saving her life: yes!"

Kanaan grasped the back of the chairs between them and shoved them aside, knocking over several more which momentarily meant that those who would help to break him and John apart had to step back to avoid the falling furniture. Kanaan had done it for show John was sure, so he was the one who stepped forward glaring at Kanaan.

"How is that a bad thing, Kanaan?" John demanded. "How is saving her life a bad thing for me to have done?"

"You think you can get rid of me, you are sorely mistaken!" The furniture overcome the others pressed back in, Lorne's hand on John's shoulder was secure, but light. Hakon and another pulled gently on Kanaan's arms.

"I think we should all calm down," Hakon said. Kanaan ignored him, or either didn't hear him.

"I'm not out to get rid of you," John told Kanaan plainly, waiting a beat before adding "You're doing a good enough job of it by yourself."

That had gotten to Kanaan, and John saw the first true flickers of violence in the man's eyes. John felt the power in his body ready to be unleashed. He couldn't remember being so ready for a fight in his life.

"You know nothing about Teyla and me," Kanaan responded through a tightly clenched jaw. "You think you are better for her than I am?"

The arrogance of that statement angered John further. "If it was up to you, she'd be dead!" John shouted.

How dare Kanaan think that he was Teyla's best choice, as if she should be grateful!

"Okay, that's enough," Lorne stated, now pulling back on John's shoulder and someone else was pulling on John's other arm. Kanaan was being subjected to the same treatment, but John kept his eyes locked with Kanaan's. That was until Teyla's voice cut through the crowd.

"What is going on?" She called, clearly concerned and slightly out of breath as if she had hurried through the camp.

That broke most of the battle in John and he looked away from Kanaan. The small crowd parted for Teyla as she neared them.

"Nothing," John told her with what he hoped was a calm enough voice.

"Nothing," Kanaan repeated from where he had been pulled back by his people.

Teyla reached them and her eyes fell to the fallen chairs around them. Lorne and Hakon bent down to start righting the furniture. "Nothing, just an accident," Lorne told her, but it was clearly a weak explanation.

Teyla didn't take the clear and obvious excuse that Lorne had presented her. "It does not look like an accident."

John felt the first tinges of embarrassment at his behaviour and couldn't meet her eyes for a few moments, so he reached down and helped pick up a chair.

"A minor disagreement, nothing more," Kanaan told her.

John looked back to her, to see her look of disbelief.

"Just a difference of opinion," John tried to reassure her, keeping his tone level. Somehow he knew that despite their disagreements, both he and Kanaan equally didn't want to upset Teyla. At least Kanaan had that going for him.

"Yes, nothing more," Kanaan added, confirming John's thought.

Teyla frowned at John and then at Kanaan. It was clear she didn't believe either of them, but neither was she going to push them.

"Very well. Could I speak with you for a moment, Kanaan?" she said.

Okay, maybe she wasn't going to push it with John in front of everyone, but Kanaan was about to get a grilling. Though John felt a moment of amusement at Kanaan's expression of worry, John then realised Teyla was going to hear only Kanaan's side of the argument, if Kanaan chose to share it with her. John suspected Teyla wasn't going to just let it go.

John watched as Teyla turned away, one of her eyebrows lifting at him which seemed to say that she expected better from him. Chastised with only a look, John watched Kanaan follow her back into the camp on their way to their tent. John turned from the image to see Lorne watching him.

"Sorry," John muttered.

Lorne shrugged dismissively. "Not like it hasn't been coming."

John nodded, and turned his attention to clearing up the play area, his body filled with the after-effects of adrenaline in his system and in his mind he replayed the argument and the things Kanaan had said.

----------

Teyla

Teyla walked purposefully through the tents towards her and Kanaan's tent, not looking back at him following along behind her. As she passed Halling's tent she saw Torren in there with him and Halling nodded, clearly happy to remain babysitter for a short while longer.

She reached their tent and moved through the entrance without a word. She was still rather stunned at what she had seen; John and Kanaan facing off amidst a clutter of fallen chairs, her people physically separating them apart. She hadn't heard any of the words used, other than John's last shout concerning her being alive.

As she moved further into the tent she heard Kanaan closing down the entrance flap behind them. She didn't turn round yet, instead she picked up her tea cup where she had left it when Fera had called her out in alarm. Teyla couldn't remember the last time she had heard John's voice that angry and neither could she ever remember seeing Kanaan physically aggressive towards anyone. In a way perhaps she should have known something was going to happen between the two men. Since John had found her in that cave and she had learnt of the altercation between John and Kanaan on searching for her.

Since her near death, Kanaan had been making a massive effort to make her feel loved and lingered around her to the point where it was making her feel smothered. He also now seemed to constantly wear that expression which said that he was anxious and no doubt feeling bad about how he had been unwilling to keep searching for her.

Teyla had told him she understood and she did. She knew from his perspective and the others, that she had been believed lost. They had looked everywhere they had thought to look, had spent two long days and nights out in the bitter cruel weather trying to find her. She understood why they had thought her lost and she knew she should not judge Kanaan for his decision. When she had lain in the healing tent for two days following her rescue, Kanaan had sat beside her all the time, holding her hand and reassuring her. But, somehow, since then she had been unable to see anything but regret in his eyes. Regret that he had been wrong. She had tried to reassure him, but clearly the distance was widening between them over this and it needed to be addressed, especially if it had led to Kanaan and John arguing so publically with each other.

She turned to Kanaan now and watched as he removed his thick winter coat, draping it over the hooks near the entrance. He looked back at her and she felt rather pleased to see the slightly shameful expression on his face.

"What was that about, Kanaan?" She asked him.

She watched him quickly consider what to say. "We had a disagreement. I apologise. I should not have lost my temper and made such a spectacle."

"I do not care how many people witnessed it, Kanaan, I care that the two of you were fighting so fiercely."

"We were not fighting," Kanaan argued as he moved away from the entrance and dropped down onto a chair facing her.

"Do not argue semantics, Kanaan. What happened?"

He rubbed a hand over his face before he looked back up at her. "Colonel Sheppard made a comment and I could not let it pass. It was foolish of me to let him pull me into an argument."

Teyla was instantly suspicious of him, for she knew it was a rare day indeed when John began an argument. Yet, neither was it in Kanaan's character to fight over anything. He was usually a level headed, calm man. His opinion she valued, however things had changed. She decided to push him.

"From the last words Colonel Sheppard shouted I assume you two were arguing about when I was lost."

He looked back up to her and she saw a change in him, clearly now it was out in the open he was ready to talk about it. "Yes, but he started it, Teyla."

She shook her head at him and dropped down into a chair of her own, the stretch of the tent between them. "I think we are all mature enough to know that it takes more than one person to have an argument." He nodded at that.

"He threw the fact that I was wrong in my face again," Kanaan replied.

Teyla frowned at him. "Again?"

Kanaan sighed heavily. "He has been holding it against me all this time, judging me over it." She suspected that it was Kanaan who was holding it against himself.

"I told you I do not blame you for your decision," she told him patiently.

He narrowed his eyes at her across the tent. "There is no need to speak to me like I am a child, Teyla."

Taken back by his hostility she frowned at him. "And I do not care to be spoken to like that, Kanaan. Or are you planning to fight with me as well?"

He looked away. "No, I apologise."

"Regardless as to how you think Colonel Sheppard feels about your decision…" she began.

"I know how he feels about it," Kanaan interrupted. "He told me plainly today. At least now he has said the words. And how am I to repair my decision?" He asked.

"Colonel Sheppard will calm down as well. It is all in the past," she told him.

He looked straight at her. "But, it is not, is it?"

She sighed. "There is no point in us dwelling on what has happened."

"You do blame me," Kanaan said.

She rubbed cool fingers against her forehead as she tried to work out what to say to him. The truth was of course that he was right. How could she not feel slightly bitter that a man who proclaimed to love her gave up on finding her when she was lost in the cold winter landscape fighting for her life? Emotions swelled up in her chest. She had tried not to think on this, for it was painful for her.

Several people from the camp had approached her after her return and had confessed that they felt ashamed for not continuing the search. She understood and made sure they each went away without such guilt on their shoulders. She thought that perhaps it had been a good experience for her people to learn, for it was something to be learnt from those from Earth – that no one is left behind. Her people had spent too many generations with people frequently disappearing in the woods to the hands of the Wraith. She understood their mistake and had forgiven them.

Yet, she realised, when it came to Kanaan she could not so easily forget. He said that he loved her, that he wanted to spend his life with her and had even suggested they have another child, yet when the moment was truly upon her, he had not been there for her. Instead it had been John who had argued with them all, who had sought her out in the very heart of a mountain and had warmed her with his own body. The emotions she felt in her heart at those thoughts made what she felt from, and for, Kanaan so much paler. How could she trust Kanaan with her heart now? Had he ever really had it?

She looked across the tent at him and saw him watching her with haunted eyes. "You do blame me," he repeated with conviction.

She shook her head. "No, I do not blame you. I know you did all you could."

It was just that she wanted more than this man could give her. She had never realised how much she had wanted from a man now, that courage and determination were such important characteristics for her in a partner. She wanted a man who would track her endlessly until he found her, as she knew she would do for him. Kanaan would not do that, he would now, but only because he felt ashamed for what had happened. That was not the kind of love she wanted.

"But," she said softly, not sure how to convey to him what she now understood. She knew then why she had reacted so strongly when he had suggested having another child together. Not because of his choices, for he had meant well, but because there wasn't the love she wanted between them. "I think I have grown used to Earth mentalities," she told him as an excuse. "In Atlantis we would always search out those lost. When I had been taken by Michael they kept searching for me for weeks."

Kanaan hung his head and inhaled loudly. "You expect that behaviour from me? Do you not think I am ashamed of myself for not having the faith in you and the Ancestors that you were alive? I looked everywhere I could think of to find you."

She closed her eyes briefly; he had missed her point. It was that he stopped looking that hurt her. She knew in her heart that Rodney back on Earth would be struggling to allow him and others to come back here to see if John and Lorne were alive.

"In Atlantis…" she started to explain.

"Atlantis is gone!" Kanaan exclaimed loudly. "Am I to always be judged against those from another galaxy?"

"It does not matter where you come from," she protested. "Determination is hardly a characteristic only limited to Earth. Our people are strong passionate people and we have seen more hardships than many on Earth ever will experience." Yet, her people had also given up. In their minds they had searched all the possibilities and found nothing. Perhaps it was that on Atlantis she was used to there being options where at first there appeared to be none.

"You see me as weak for giving up on finding you," Kanaan stated.

She tried not to wince at his words. "No, I do not. What I feel is…I feel that," she started and tears filled her eyes. She remembered on Michael's ship, that she had had to talk Kanaan into helping her save their son. Yes, he had been under the influence of Michael, but it had still been disheartening to have to persuade him. Perhaps it was foolish to think that had he been another man that he would not have needed convincing. She had pushed those thoughts far back in her mind over the past year and a half, but now they seemed so relevant. She remembered when John had been mutated by the Iratus retrovirus and even when cornered in the city and clearly stronger than her he had run rather than attack her.

"I feel," she whispered through her tears. "That our relationship is not as I wish it should be."

She saw the pain in his face. "Because I did not keep looking for you?" He asked with a disbelieving tone.

"No, not just because of that," she realised as she spoke. "I have always cared for you and I always will." He looked away from her as she spoke and she felt pain in her chest. Then he looked back at her.

"Atlantis will not return, Teyla. That life is over. As you said, we need to live in the present, the here and now. You said you wanted to return to our people."

"I meant it. I could not imagine never seeing them again and Torren never knowing what it means to be Athosian. I do not regret the decision, but that does not mean that it was not difficult for me and that I think of what might have happened if I had chosen otherwise."

"And if we had remained living in Atlantis?"

"I believe we would still have found ourselves at this point."

He frowned. "We could have a good life together, Teyla. I want that for us."

She nodded. "I know that you do, but," she met his eyes. "I do not."

He sat back in his chair, his arms crossed over his middle. He looked angry and hurt all at once. "Did you love me once?" He asked.

She looked down at that. "I have a love for you, Kanaan, and you will always be a vital part of my life. We have shared so much together, since when we were young." A gentle smile ghosted over his face. "But, I do not think either of us has found all we wish in the other."

He looked down at his hands now resting in his lap. She watched his expression and wondered what it was that he was thinking. "You mean much to me, Teyla. I knew when our relationship began that you were focused on more than our world. You have always been passionate and aspiring for our people and those in our galaxy. You are a wonderful mother for our son and when we returned here I hoped that we could make a life here together. That you would be content here with me, but perhaps it was not the place, but rather us." His eyes lifted up to meet hers. "I feel as if I have been trying to prove myself to you all this time, but I failed."

She frowned at him. "You should not have to live your life that way. You deserve someone who is just what you want and need."

He nodded absently. "I was working so hard to be like another, that I forgot who I was."

She watched him curiously. "You have not appeared happy since returning here, despite how much I know you missed our people."

He frowned. "I was at first, but then Colonel Sheppard and Major Lorne arrived. I had hoped that you would forget your life in Atlantis and be happy here, but I feared that their presence would distract you again."

She felt a touch of annoyance at his words, though she appreciated his honesty.

"Perhaps I have always known that I was not what you truly wanted," Kanaan muttered.

She stood then and moved across the space to sit on a stool near him. "What we shared together I valued and still do. I think that perhaps instead it is that there are the right times for things."

He nodded as he reached for one of her hands. "That our time together is now over?" His voice was soft and honest. He seemed so much calmer and centred than she had seen him in many months. She had not realised that until now.

"I think that it is," she replied. "But, we will always be part of each others' lives. We share Torren, and I would hate that we could not remain friends."

He nodded again as he squeezed her hand, his eyes following his thumb that brushed over the back of her hand once more. "I would wish that as well and," he paused. "And that whatever life you choose, that we can still be important to each other."

She nodded, the tears in her eyes blinding her. She was giving up a kind and gentle man. He did mean a lot to her and now as he sat forward and they embraced she absorbed his physical strength. That he did not love her as she wished he did was one thing lacking out of so much that was good between them, but it was such an important thing. She wanted to love a man more passionately and completely than she had ever felt for Kanaan, and she wanted to be loved more than he loved her. She felt bad for those thoughts, for she had been so blessed with his love, and received such a gift in their son, but still she wanted more.

But, as they parted physically and began to softly arrange parting into separate tents, she knew also that the love she did feel for another was not returned either. She did not love one man enough, who was willing and eager to live a long life together, and she loved another man with a passion that was not returned.

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TBC