A/N: Funny story: When I write, I get really into my character's minds, so I tend to think like them in my normal, daily life. Well, since I'm already two chapters ahead of this one, you can guess that Hinata's thinking lustfully about Neji XD. Well, I was watching Naruto with my friends, and there was a scene where Neji was training with Hiashi, and he was panting all erotically (even though he was just training XD). Anyhoo, with my mind in Hinata-horny mode, (and my friend was sitting on my knees too, lol), I began to get a hot flash LOL. My skin got all damp and sweaty, and my friend had to put a pillow on my legs so she wouldn't be sitting in a pool of my sweat.
I really need to learn how to control my passion for writing XD.
Hyuuga Neji – The girl with the venom scent.
She was poisonous, that much I had figured out. Her small, white lips, delicate, round face, small, breakable hands that were so capable. Everything about her seemed alien, intriguing, she was intoxicating. It was the first thing that had led to the attraction. And it felt that no matter how much time had passed, I still felt odd – shaky and weakened, around her. The feeling flowing through my very being was so new to me, almost as strange as she was. Why? Why must I feel this way? And despite the fact that I was loosing my self control, I couldn't get enough. She was my heroin; everything about her made my blood rush, my lips glue together, and my muscles tense and relax from adrenaline.
The worst part was her scent. It was as light as she was, flowery, dirty, almost the same as her garden, but so much more irresistible. And it was like a poison; each breath I inhaled around her was painfully delightful. That was the mental high she gave me…pictures of her would rush through my mind like a blur, too fast for me to recognize anything I was thinking. It sent my mind into a deep, dark rage. I felt like I was loosing my wits, and every time I could smell just a whiff of her in the air, I felt like ripping apart everything within a one hundred foot radius. My body and mind were not very co-adherent. I longed more than breathing to simply be able to watch every movement she made, my obsession for watching her exist was above all logic. And yet, at the very same time, the way she made my head spin, the way all reasonable thinking went out the window when I was around her, the way she made my very existence feel out of whack, it made me so angry. I wanted to be able to think straight, I wanted to not have to worry about my body loosing control, and at the time, I couldn't really see a very clear answer to my problems. The fact that my mind and curiosity, and orders, let's not forget, were keeping me around her almost twenty four seven, did not help matters.
I longed to hear her speak, whimper, even a small, tiny, little gasp would send my blood racing through my body and into my pounding heart. It took all of my self control not to try and make her make a noise, not to give into my body's yearning. My composure around her was nothing short of tried. Watching her was like watching a very interesting movie on mute. I wanted to know what she was thinking, what she was saying, but she was so quiet, so scared looking, like one word could break her. I wondered if my words could break her, I wondered how delicate she was. I wanted to hear her scream in delight, in fear, in happiness, I wanted to hear what she sounded like while in ecstasy, while sad, while angry – I would gladly become deaf, if she was the only thing in the world I could hear.
Most of all, I desperately wanted to touch her. I wanted to feel her skin under my hand, I wanted to know if she was as soft as she looked, if her lips were as warm as they seemed. I wanted to feel the texture of her hair, the feeling of her eyelashes, teeth, mouth, hands, abdomen, everything. It turned my stomach, how much I wanted her. And I knew how greedy I was, how selfish I was, and I could tell she didn't want me to be around her, but I couldn't stop. I wouldn't be able to survive…she had poisoned me. There was no going back now. I was too young to understand what it was I felt, really, and it made me very, very angry.
All the wants – no, all the needs built up in me for two years, and then everything I wanted had been thrown in my face. I could touch her skin, her hair, hear her whimper, speak, gasp, moan, I could watch her body move fluently, feel the strength in her small hands, taste her sweat and blood on my lips, and after it was all over, I wished I could take it back. I had destroyed her in battle, and for what reason? Because I was angry about my position in the clan? No, that had stopped bothering me for a long time. The frustration of bottling up my feelings had come out violently, and even though the only reason I had lost my control was because I was put in the situation, I was sickened with myself. Only a month later, I had to fight Naruto, who had made my guilt even worse. He spoke only the truth, told me things about the clan I had already knew, and Uncle had confessed the truth about my father. He died to be free. What would I have to do to be free? Did it even matter to me anymore? Did anything even matter to me anymore? I was disgusted, guilt ridden, and I couldn't be around her, I couldn't look at her, I spent months avoiding her, going on missions, helping the clean up, and it wasn't like I didn't have an excuse for avoiding her.
The whole village had been attacked, and I was responsible, just like any other shinobi, to help out. This took me away from the compound for a lot of time, while she was in the hospital, and then back home recovering, then doing small missions with her team. But there was a hole in my avoidance…I could not stop myself from visiting her secret garden. At first, I just wanted to see if she was there. But for days, which turned into weeks, and then months, she didn't visit. I couldn't stop myself from doing her work for her, gardening and caring, then bringing her produce to the market. It was harder than she made it seem, and I gained a whole new respect for her, and a whole new perspective on her life. Just by being in her garden, using the tools she used, keeping the small empire of fruits, flowers and vegetables, I had quenched my thirst for her. Knowing that this was what had made her happy, that her small, capable hands touched and fed these plants, it was enough. I wasn't angry as much as ashamed, and this hard work, the insomnia…I deserved more pain then what I got. The guilt was unbelievable, I wanted her to hate me, I wished she would, I wished she would despise me like she did before the battle. I wished, more than anything, that she would never forgive me, because I wasn't good enough for her.
She deserved far better than I.
But when I had been obliterated in a gruelling battle during a mission, and brought nearly to death, I felt a complete sense of regret. The words Naruto had spoken to me about the clan made sense, I knew that already and I was content with my position. I thought I had died, and my last, fleeting thought was of her gentle smile. If I had have died that day, she would've been the last thing I thought about. I realized that his had gone on far beyond any normal obsession. I didn't simply love Hinata; I was completely and permanently in love with her. At the age of thirteen, after two years of bottling up my feelings, I decided to stop. I would never, ever allow myself to hurt her like that again, no matter how angry at myself I was. I had accepted it; I had an epiphany, while sitting the hospital bed.
I love Hyuuga Hinata. I love Hyuuga Hinata. And I would make sure she loved me back.
The moment I got out of the hospital, I made a vow to visit the garden each night. I took care of it while she could not, and I made it painfully obvious that someone was there. I didn't want to scare her away, so I also made sure she saw me walking there. I smiled at her in the compound, and didn't feel fear in looking at her with the warm, liquid eyes I wanted her to see. She began making tea while I was training with Uncle, and it was the most delicious thing I had ever drunk. It warmed me to the tips of my fingers, and filled my body with a sweet, refreshed feeling of stupor – it was like the fluid form of Hinata herself. She must've been confused, and I realized that for those two years, I must've scared her. And I didn't expect her to begin to warm up to me in the way she did; she had a kind, forgiving spirit, which was yet another reason why I didn't deserve her. But, I was selfish and greedy, and trying to rid myself of her obviously had violent consequences. I could not, would not give up on her.
The cards had been switched around, now. It was now I who tended to her garden, while she was in the shadows, watching me. It went on for weeks and weeks, and I worried if she was trying to build up the nerve to tell me to leave, rather than to ask me to stay. I desperately wanted her to talk to me, and each night it got harder and harder not to turn around and run towards her, and beg her to expose herself (I was sure that she thought I didn't notice her there). I held my composure, I needed to play this game right. I needed her to come to me.
But when she finally did, it wasn't what I was expecting.
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Cliff hanger for the win, am I right? You can guess that Hinata did something bold, so the next chapter there might actually be some freakin' ROMANCE.