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If I never knew you

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To Be A Kid Again

They sat for awhile parked outside of Troy's house. Ryan kept shooting nervous glances at Troy until finally he decided to speak. "Do you need me to go in with you? Explain what happened?"

Troy looked at him quite suddenly, his expression slightly skeptical. "Do you really think that that would be a good idea?"

Ryan shook his head slowly. "Well it never hurts to offer." Troy moved to unbuckle his seatbelt but he was stopped by Ryan's hand placed atop of his own. "What are you going to tell them?"

"Nothing that my dad hasn't already picked up in rumors." Ryan gave Troy's hand a gentle squeeze and both boys looked away from each other in mild embarrassment. Ryan's pale ears reddened and Troy nervously cleared his throat. He unbuckled the restrain of the seatbelt and stepped out of Ryan's car. Before he shut the door he turned back to look at the other boy. "I'll see you tomorrow at school?"

Ryan nodded his head, and a small smile spread across his lips. "You can count on it."

Troy closed the door and with a small wave he watched as Ryan drove off, finding himself already missing the other boy's company. He made his way up the steps that led to his front door and fumbled in his pocket for the keys. Opening the door to his home he stepped into the brightly lit front hallway and quickly toyed with the idea of running to his bedroom and refusing to come out until morning.

"Troy? Is that you?" Of course, no such luck.

"Yeah mom, I'm home." He stood there as she came rushing from out of the kitchen, a stern expression plastered on her pretty features. He could tell that she was ready for the intense questioning of "Where have you been?" but she stopped short when she saw the condition that he was in. Apparently word hadn't gotten around of what had happened after all.

"My God Troy, what happened?' She was by his side in a mere matter of seconds. She reached out to lightly run her fingertips over an ugly bruise that was forming along his cheek bone, and the fact that she was being so gentle, the fact that she seemed to care so much, was almost enough to send him into tears all over again.

"I'm fine mom. Really I am." He tried to sound reassuring in his statement. He tried to convince her that he was not this broken boy standing in front of her, when really in all truth he was. He tried to do that one little thing for her. Just tell her that he was ok, because she needed to hear it and he certainly did as well, but he would never be that good of an actor. He saw the tears forming in her eyes and his voice cracked in his reassurance.

"Please mom, don't cry." He was desperate in his request, because he couldn't handle this, not now. Not now. Suddenly, a new emotion came over her face. One that he hardly ever saw on his mothers delicate features, but one that he recognized nonetheless, fury.

"Who did this to you?"

"Mom, I-"

She cut him off by grasping onto his shoulders. Shaking him slightly, because he needed to tell her, because she needed to know. "Tell me who did this to you."

He let out a small groan as the pain shot up his arms from where her hands held onto him. She saw the grimace on his face and immediately let go of him. Her look of rage being replaced by concern. "I'm sorry, baby. I'm sorry."

"I can't tell you mom."

"You have to. As soon as if found out, that little bastard is getting what he deserves." Her voice was strong and malicious but the tears were now falling from her eyes. With each word of anger a new tear slid down her cheeks, and with each promise of payback, her voice cracked a little more. He reached out with one scathed hand and began to wipe the tears from her eyes.

"I can't tell you. I'm sorry. It would just make things so much worse. Don't you see that?" He was desperate to make her understand, and he thanked God, Jesus, Buddha, and anybody else who was listening to the gratefulness of one teenager, when she nodded her head slowly.

"Where's dad?"

"He called and said he had to stay late to work on something up at the school." Relief washed over him at the prospect of not having to deal with that situation. "Come on, if you're not going to tell me who did this to you, then you're at least going to let you clean up some of those cuts." He smiled slowly at her and she leaned in and kissed his forehead.

He was sitting up on the counter as she finished up applying all the necessary antibiotics to make sure he didn't get an infection and memories of being a little kid and having his mommy clean his cuts on the very same counter played out like lullaby's in his mind's eye. He wished to be that young again, because back then it didn't matter who your friends were. There were no fags to take the blame from society. You could hug other boys with out the fear of ridicule because nobody cared, because nobody was different.

"There, everything is all patched up." She said as she padded down one of the bandages on his elbow, probably from where he had fallen to the ground. With some help from her, he got off the counter.

"Thank you, mom. Hey, I'm going to just go to bed now. I'm really tired." He turned to walk away from her but she touched him lightly on the arm, halting him. He turned to face her and she pulled him into a hug that was gentle and firm all at once.

"You don't know how much I love you, kid." She whispered in his ear as she ran her fingers through his hair. He was taller than her and had been for quite some time now, but he was still her little boy.

"And you don't know how much I needed to hear that." He pulled away from her and kissed her on the cheek.

"Night mom." He left her standing in the kitchen and headed up to his room, shutting the door behind him. Ignoring the ache in his body he pulled his shirt over his head. Not even attempting to remove his pants he laid down on his mattress, burying his face in the covers.

His mind wandered to Ryan, a habit that had become all too familiar to him by now. The kiss was the first thing to pop into his mind, but not being really ready to think about it, he stored the thought away. In all his life he never thought that something could break him and restore him all at once. That he could want something and need something so badly, and yet be so damned terrified of it at the same time. There was no one like Ryan Evans. He was strong and beautiful and brilliant and most of all he cared about him. This boy that had taken so much shit, so much pain, actually had something left in him to care about someone else, and Troy really didn't know if that was a good thing or a horrible mess. Ryan Evans was someone that he wanted to think about for days on end and then hide him away so none of the world could see his dread of the fact that people might know. He was his hope and his nightmare all at once, and for the life of him he wanted to run away and escape this world that promised to bring pain, and yet he could never bring himself to run. Not again. Not ever again. Because he cared as well.

Ryan made him want to forget about everything. About his past, about his friends, about Gabriella……..Gabriella.

He sat up quite suddenly, causing his body to sear with pain. He had forgotten about Gabriella. What was he going to do? He couldn't tell her the truth, but he couldn't keep on doing this with her. Lying to her, because he could finally admit that there was no love left, and he wondered if there ever had been.

He fell back on his bed. Unsure of what events would happen the next day, and dreading them all too much. It was awhile before he drifted off into a fitful sleep but of all the thoughts that whirled in his mind one was always the strongest. A certain blonde boy that had suddenly become his damning salvation.