Disclaimer: I do not own High School Musical.

A/N: It's been...awhile, and for that I apologize. However, I'm trying to get back in the swing of things, so after quite a few months, here is chapter 15. I do not have time to thank all of you who reviewed the last chapter, and I send my deepest apologies for that, but I will acknowledge all of you in the next chapter. However, I must say that OCP is amazing and that her review for my story is the best I've ever gotten and I love her for that. Thank you so much. Cheers and much love!

Danielle

It Still Doesn't Get Any Easier.

It was like breathing and being strangled at the same time.

Over the past day it had become impossible to deny the way he felt about Ryan, and a part of him was filled with a sense of blissful calmness that could only be achieved by admitting it to himself. But the other part of him, the one that refused to die out without a fatal fight, still remained through the depths of his mind and past the tips of his fingers.

That part of him that screamed accusations of "Oh God, you kissed another boy" and "You sick fag". That part of him that tormented him until he himself was enemy number one. That part of him that made him hate Ryan and wrongly assume that he had somehow done this to him.

He wished he could bury those feelings that strayed relentlessly in to his mind as he struggled to find sleep beneath the covers of his bed. He wished he could be strong and admit, if to no one else but himself, that he was...

But no, it wasn't that easy, at least not for him, and Troy begged to have the times back when none of this mattered and basketballs filled his dreams rather than blonde hair and soft lips.

He hated himself for constantly judging his own actions. He despised his weakness, and cursed his fears.

But he could not deny the fact that he was scared. Terrified, petrified, horrified, and every other sense of the word that could never even begin to describe the feeling in the pit of his stomach.

He didn't know what to do with himself. His whole world had been demolished in a matter of seconds by those incredible fucking lips pressed against his own, and he had no idea where he was supposed to go from here.

What would everyone think? His friends? Gabriella? His father?...Oh God, his father. His couldn't help the shiver that raced along his spine at the thought of telling that man.

There was a simple solution to his questions, of course. He just wouldn't tell them...couldn't tell them. Couldn't look into their faces and see that look of discrimination and disgust aimed towards him and the way he was. If he couldn't even admit it to himself, he sure as hell was not going to admit it to anyone else.

But then what was he supposed to do about Gabriella? He couldn't just keep holding her hand, kissing her and fucking her while he whispered the words "I love you" in her ear. He couldn't keep pretending...no matter how much he wanted to.

But he couldn't tell her either.

He raked his fingers roughly through his hair, ignoring the pain brought from the cuts that littered his scalp, as he cursed quietly to himself.

What did everything always have to be so fucking difficult?

He painfully pulled himself up into a sitting position, his groans of pain being lost in the covers that he had bunched around his mouth.

To say that he wished things to be different was a vast understatement. To say that he wanted to be 'normal' was even more so.

He wished it was as simple as just being with Ryan and being perfectly content, but lately it seemed like nothing was going easy for him, and in all honesty he was pissed and hurting, and he wanted it to be enough, but it wasn't...not yet. Because no matter how much Ryan gave to him, restored him, and comforted him, he had also completely fucked him up.

He was still stuck in this situation that left him terrified and trembling like a little kid. He still had broken ribs and cuts and bruises littering his body. He still could not deny the fact that he was completely infatuated with another boy.

But, of course, he also knew that it was not Ryan's fault, no matter how much a part of him screamed that it was.

He also could not deny that though Ryan recently seemed to be the source of all his problems, there was no one else that he could even begin to think of that he would rather talk to.

So it came as no surprise to him when he found his cell phone clutched tightly in his hand, its cool metal soothing his burning skin, as he began to push in a number that he had rarely dialed but knew by heart.

"Hello?" The voice came in muffled over the phone, filled with the sleep that had eluded Troy himself. He looked over at his clock, he hadn't realize that it was so late.

"Ryan, it's...it's me." He said slowly, an uncharacteristic stutter lacing his voice. He was nervous...dammit.

"Troy? Are you ok? Is something wrong?" Any sign of sleep immediately left Ryan's voice as he jumped to full attention.

"No, no I'm fine...I just...I just." Troy was at a loss of what to say, and he had already started off the conversation by lying when he told Ryan that he was fine. "I just wanted...to talk to you." He finished, gulping slightly and trying to calm the shaking of his hands as he held his phone to his ear like it was air itself.

"Oh, then why didn't you just say so?" He could almost hear Ryan's breath of relief as his voice lightened considerably.

"It was late and I, I-"

"It doesn't bother me, Troy, you can call anytime you want." And something in Ryan's voice assured Troy that he was not lying. He could not stop the smile that crept across his lips, despite the fact that his shudders did not cease.

"I'd do it again, you know?" Troy suddenly blurted out and he almost wished that he could take the words back. He hadn't meant to say them, he truly hadn't.

"Do what again?"

He gulped again and cursed himself silently for getting this nervous over a fucking phone conversation.

"I'd let you...kissmeagain." He mumbled quickly into the phone, finding it incredibly difficult to breathe all of the sudden.

"What?" Ryan's voice flowed into his ears genuinely confused, and Troy gritted his teeth and willed himself to calm down and just say it.

"Kiss me again, I'd let you kiss me again." He said with resolution he didn't even know he possessed, and fell back on his bed, ignoring the pain that the sudden movement sent through him.

If he had been able to look through the phone at that particular moment he would have seen the smile that lit Ryan's features.