A/N- Well, another long wait. Comedy is just hard for me to write. I like to take my time with it, make sure I'm in the proper mood to do it. I don't want the humor to suffer for this story just because I'm in a foul mood. Anyway, Sarah8, I think Jarley is a very humorous name. If it is a girl, that will definitely be one of the names under consideration. Well, I hope everyone finds this chapter well worth the wait!
Chapter 6- Shopping
Batman groaned, and his groan was flanked on either side by the groans of the two male officers chosen to accompany him. The three of them—Batman and the two officers—walked behind Joker and Harley, who were happily bouncing through the store. The store in question was a baby boutique, one of the most fashionable in Gotham. Harley was pushing a mid-sized silver cart, maneuvering easily through many stacks of bottles on display and brown and pink teddy bears. Joker, however, was knocking over nearly everything he came near. The officer on the left—the one with the unfortunate position of being directly behind Joker—had taken up the job of trying to replace every fallen object. The sales women were eyeing the group as if they expected them to rob the place.
"Whee! Look at all the pretty baby stuff!" Harley squealed, reaching out for a clear, simple plastic bottle that came with a set of multi-colored nipples.
"Uh, how do you intend to pay for that bottle, Harl? With ol' Batboy here, I doubt we could make a run for it," Joker pointed out, grinning back at the Dark Knight. "But it would be funny, trying to run out of this place, arms full of random baby items."
"Don't even think about it, Clown," Batman growled, stepping closer to the two.
Joker stuck out his tongue, turning back around. Like a child himself, he immediately picked up and began playing with a Cirque du Soleil inspired rattle. Harley's brow had furrowed during this time.
"Bats, how are we paying for this? I mean, I've got no money, and the baby has to have this stuff," she said, tears underlying her voice.
Batman smiled—or as close as a smile as he got—and said, "Bruce Wayne decided to donate the money to purchase the items your baby needs."
"Huh," Joker said, tossing the rattle behind him. The officer caught it nimbly and placed it back on its shelf. "Why'd he do that?"
Batman grunted.
"I suppose he worries about this child. After all, in any normal city, the two of you would not have even had the chance for this. Harley alone would have been moved out of the asylum, and the child's provisions would have been provided by the adopter of the baby."
"Adopter?"
Harley came to a screeching halt. She whirled around, glaring at Batman. The officer that had been behind had to trip over his own feet to avoid colliding with the mother-to-be.
"What do you mean 'adopter'?" she demanded.
"Harley, surely you knew that you would not be able to raise the baby yourself. You are an inmate of Arkham, a ward of the state yourself. The baby will have to be given to a parent seen better suited for it than you," Batman explain gently.
Harley's bottom lip quivered, even her blonde pigtails—free of the jester costume because Batman had absolutely refused to let her go baby shopping in it—seemed to droop. She swallowed once or twice before she spoke again.
"It's just…when you say 'adopter' like that…it just…"
There were real tears in her eyes. A part of Batman's heart went out to the woman. He knew that Harley loved children and had always wanted her own. However, he was positive that she had never wanted it like this. But her choice of consort had determined this end.
Batman placed a hand on her shoulder, noticing that Joker's attention had deliberately turned elsewhere. The Clown Prince of Crime did not deal with tears.
"Harley, I'm sure that whoever ends up with your child will allow you to be as involved as possible. I'm sure that they will even let you name the baby," he said.
Harley sniffled and nodded. Then, tilting her head towards the Joker, she asked, "What about Mistah J?"
"What about him?"
"Will they let him be involved?"
Joker's attention turned back, undoubtedly because he had heard his name.
"Well…" Batman began, than gave a short laugh, followed by the outright laughter of the two officers.
"What's so funny?" Joker menaced.
"We'll see," Batman said, patting Harley's shoulder.
She nodded and turned back to the endless shelves of necessary baby items. She picked up a baby bathtub, baby nail clippers, diaper pail, and a bottle drying rack—passing over a breast pump.
"Wait! Harl, wait!" Joker said, frozen in front of the selection of pumps.
"What?" she asked, turning around.
She was nearly in the next aisle. Batman was standing back with Joker with one of the officers, while the other had walked on with Harley.
"Don't we need this?" he asked.
"What?" Harley asked.
She turned the cart and walked back towards her puddin'. When she caught sight of what it was Joker was indicating, she visibly shuddered.
"Breast pump…uh…no. I mean—" she laughed a little nervously. "—if I can't keep my baby, do I really need it?"
"You have a point, generally, Harley, but you will be allowed a few days with your child after you have given birth. I've heard that breast feeding your child can be a bonding experience," Batman answered.
"I've heard it's also healthier," Joker put in, causing all to stare at him. "What? It's the truth, isn't it?"
"Yes, it is. We're just all surprised you know that," Batman answered.
"Well, there wasn't anything else to read in that waiting room other than baby stuff."
"But…" Harley said, her voice small.
"What?" Batman asked.
Harley's arms had come up, and she was covering her chest with him. Her feet were shifting back and forth.
"It's just…it's…well…it's weird. The thought of having a baby sucking at…me is weird to me. Besides, don't I need to avoid mixed feedings?"
"Not necessarily, Harl. There are special bottle nipples that you can get that will prevent the baby from liking the bottle better than the breast," Joker said, nodding his head knowledgeably.
"I can't believe I'm agreeing with Joker, but he's right. Breast-feeding is the better route. It's also healthy. It helps prevent countless diseases as well."
Harley shook her head. "Don't you think I know that? It's just…"
Joker up a hand up, palm open and erect. "Stop. Our baby is being breast-fed, and that's the end of it."
One could almost see Harley's eyes turn red. She did a tiny cough to clear her throat, and replied, "Sure, puddin', but maybe you should know…my breasts will sag by the end of it."
Joker's eyes widened a little bit. If he were not already bleached white, he probably would have paled. He turned silently—mouth slightly agape—between Batman and Harley. Finally, he gave a cough small enough to rival Harley's.
"Uh, yeah. Let's bottle feed."
Harley nodded her head once, a satisfied grin on her face as Batman grimaced. He was shocked that she had been able to talk him out of breast-feeding so easily. However, he supposed that even the Joker had such weaknesses. They moved silently on throughout the store.
More and more items flew off the shelves and into the cart as Harley passed them. And she was no longer caring about price, knowing that she had Bruce Wayne as a benefactor. Soon, a mountain of both necessary and unnecessary baby items obstructed her view.
"I'm finished," she announced.
Immediately, the group heard the bustling of many feet. Harley peeked around the cartload—she could no longer see over it—and found that three of the saleswomen had blocked the exit of the store.
"Huh," Harley muttered.
"Can you believe this!" Joker exclaimed. "Do they think—do they honestly think—that I, the Clown Prince of Crime, would stoop to stealing baby items? I mean, I was no where near serious when I mentioned it earlier. Where would the joke be?"
"Actually, puddin', it—" Harley began, but Batman quickly and gently pressed a hand to her mouth.
She looked back at him, and he slowly shook his head. When Batman was sure she would not try to repeat her statement, he let go. Joker, meanwhile, had been oblivious to this. He was too busy seething over the saleswomen guarding their escape.
"If I only had a batch of my toxin…or some dynamite…or even an exploding whoopee-cushion! I'd show 'em! They'd regret the day they dare make assumptions on the Harlequin of Hate!" he fumed.
"How many of his nicknames can he possible fit into one rant?" one of the police officers murmured behind the two inmate's—and Batman's—back.
This brought a rare smile to the Dark Knight's face. Just as Joker began to stalk off to give the women "a piece of his mind," Batman caught the back of his jacket to stop him.
"Let's just pay for it. You can smirk all you want at them up at the counter. But nothing else. Understood?" he menaced.
With the help of the two cops and Batman—Joker had already strolled ahead—Harley maneuvered her cart up to the check-out counter, where one of the women had tore themselves away from the exit, placed a bright smile on her face, and had stationed herself behind the register.
"Will this be all?" she said, so automatically that it was reminiscent of an automated answering machine message.
The two officers unloaded each item as Harley nodded her response. Joker had begun grinning evilly at the woman, who pretended not to notice.
"Knock it off," Batman growled at him.
It took the saleswoman forty-five minutes to ring all the items up. And for some reason, she look dismayed when she was told she would have to bill it to Bruce Wayne. Perhaps she had entertained happy thoughts about seeing that amount of money. Batman soon decided that that was the case for the woman's sour face, for the Joker's expression matched hers perfectly.
"Credit?" he whined. "We can't pay in cash?"
"Normally, I don't carry such a large amount around in my belt, Joker," Batman replied.
Joker grunted. Batman forcibly employed his services in carrying the shopping bags out to the police vehicle. There, the bags were loaded into the prisoner-carrying portion of the vehicle. Harley opted to ride in the back of that truck, while Batman insisted that Joker rode with him.
"For precaution's sake," Batman growled as Joker buckled himself into the passenger side of the Batmobile.
"Yeah, yeah. Whatever you say, Batsy. But you know that you shouldn't have left Harley alone either, right?" he said as the two followed the vehicle back to Wayne Manor.
"She's a lot more trustworthy than you, I'm afraid."
"No, I mean, with all the new baby stuff. She's gonna open it all before we get back. Think about lugging all that in!"
Joker leaned back, his smile smug. However, Batman matched his with a smirk.
"Oh, I don't have to worry," the Dark Knight said, matter-of-factly.
"Why?"
"Because I'm not the one who's going to carry it all in."
The rest of the ride to Wayne Manor was blissful—and, for Joker—seething silence.
End Notes: Okay, so how did everyone like that? Actually, this chapter is much longer than I envisioned it being. Maybe they were shopping at Wal-Mart. Haha. Isn't that always the way there? You go in, thinking, "This is only going to take like five minutes." And when you get back out, like an hour's passed. Anyway, please review! And if you haven't voted, remember the last chance will be chapter 19. (Don't worry…it's looking as if you've got the time to consider.) Also, I didn't make up the rattle thing. I found it on a list of necessary baby items.