A/N- Hey, me again. Just wanted to write a quick note here. First off, Tsuzuki and Hisoka most definitely will be OOC in this chapter, and I apologize for this, but this is the only way I can see it. Hisoka will probably seem like a completely different character, but it will be explained later in the story, I swear! Second, I just wanted to warn you that I will probably, in future chapters, be changing a lot about what is known about Tsuzuki, (I.E., making him know French and other things like that). I may or may not, it just depends on what I'm writing. I'm not sure yet, so I just thought I'd let you know. Hope you enjoy the rest of the story!
Disclaimer: I don't own Descendants of Darkness/Yami no Matsuei, no matter how much I wish I did. If I did, Hisoka and Tsuzuki would have been making out by volume three. *Grin*
Chapter 2- It was so dark as the memories flashed by. He was trapped again, just like when he had been possessed by the demon, Sagatanasu. He tried to run, he closed his eyes before he frantically tried to scratch his eyes out, anything to stop the memories, anything to stop the guilt. But he was frozen in place, reduced to thrashing about. The brown eyes of his family members that they all shared, the butterscotch-like color, so different from his own eyes.
"I'm sorry!" He cried out, tears falling out of the eyes they hated.
Luka stood in front of him, looking so similar to him, but at the same time so different.
"Please Luka! Please! I'm sorry!" He sobbed.
Luka looked at him, but flinched when their eyes met.
"I'm sorry too, my poor demon of a brother." She whispered to him, before turning away and walking away.
"Luka! Please, Luka! Don't go! I'm sorry!" He sobbed pathetically, being held back by thick, silver chains.
"Why should she stay?" A familiar voice said nastily. He turned and his breath caught in his throat as he saw the familiar faces of his father and mother, looking down at him with stuck-up noses. "She deserves better then you as a brother. How disgusting you are. A demon." His father said nastily, black hair flying around in the breeze as two pairs of butterscotch brown eyes stared down at him. "Nothing more then a mistake. We didn't need a son. We didn't want a son. And it's because of you we're dead. It's all your fault."
"How disgusting. You sit there, wishing for forgiveness. Do you honestly believe our darling daughter would ever forgive you for your sins? Do you honestly believe you DESERVE forgiveness, when you are nothing but a descendant of darkness? How pitiful." His mother sneered, blond hair flying around.
"I'm sorry! Mother, Father, I didn't mean to!" He cried out, thrashing against the chains that represented his sins. "Please!"
Luka reappeared, shying away from him.
"Father, get him away from me!" Luka screamed. "Get the demon away!"
Father held out a knife and threateningly began walking towards him.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry! Please Luka, make him stop!" He cried. Luka wouldn't meet his eyes. "Please Luka, please!" No response. "Look at me, please! Make him stop! Don't let him kill me, please Luka! Look at me!" Silence, the glint of a knife appearing in his vision. "PLEASE!"
"PLEASE!" Tsuzuki screamed as she woke up, sobbing violently. She sobbed, curling in on herself as tears ran down her face. She slowly calmed down, sniffling and wiping her eyes and nose on the long sleeve. She looked around and was confused, wasn't she at work? What happened? She looked around her large bed and room before looking at the table next to her, seeing a note.
She picked it up and opened it with hesitant hands.
"Tsuzuki,
"You fainted at work after having a nervous breakdown. In French. Call me when you wake up. I want to talk to you.
"-Hisoka."
Tsuzuki set it down before leaning back, remembering why she had freaked out. She hesitantly stood up, padding over to where the bathroom was. She could tell it hadn't been a dream, she really had been turned into a girl. She could see her pants were way too big, along with her shirt and jacket, though miraculously all had stayed on even as she thrashed around in her sleep. She could also see her hair touching her waist, and she had to admit, she liked it long. It felt nice. Luka had never had her hair long, she always cut it short, just above her shoulders. Longer then when Tsuzuki had been a male, but much shorter then his hair as a female. But she could get used to it being this long, she liked it. She walked into the bathroom after a moment of hesitation and looked in the mirror.
Yep. S/he looked like Luka, but with long hair and purple eyes. The purple eyes Luka had hated so much. The eyes she had flinched away from, the eyes she had tried to gouge out in a haze of madness. The eyes of a demon.
Tsuzuki closed her eyes tightly, fists clenching. Luka was pure. She wasn't a demon. His eyes had no right to be on her face. His physical representation of the sin he was had no right being on her pure, innocent face.
"Why?" She whispered, tears falling as her knees buckled slightly, leaning her head and fists against the mirror. "Why can't I be normal?" With a scream she punched the mirror, shattering it. "Why did I have to be the one born of sin? Why am I the demon?" She screamed, tears falling from her eyes as blood spurted from the various cuts on her hands and neck, the mirror shards slicing her skin. "Why was SHE the one who got to be normal? Why was SHE the one allowed to move into the afterlife? Why was SHE punished when she did nothing wrong? WHY?" She punched where the mirror was again, shattering what little was left. "Why can't I die? Why can't I be given the punishment I deserve?" She screamed, tears still making their way down her face. "Why am I rewarding for being a demon? Why am I allowed to keep living while they're all dead? Why? God damn it answer me!" She looked at herself in the shattered mirror, seeing the contorted image. "ANSWER ME!" She screamed, breathing heavily as she clawed at the mirror, blood pouring from her self-inflicted wounds until she gave up, sobs wracking her body as she fell to her knees, glass shards sticking out of her arms and legs and red blood pouring around her. "Answer me..." She whispered as she sobbed, curling up into a ball on the bathroom floor. She curled up and sobbed. "Why am I such a disaster? Why am I such a screwed-up mess? Why am I a disaster? Why can't I hold it together? I can't stand being so messed up, I hate it, why me, why me?..."
Hisoka glared angrily at the phone, as if it were the phone's fault he wasn't getting a phone call from his emotional partner. He had wanted to stay by Tsuzuki's side in case he-she, he corrected himself again, woke up and had another breakdown. He really didn't want the shinigami to try and summon Touda. S/he had promised not to after Kyoto, unless it WASN'T for a suicide wish, but Hisoka had never trusted Tsuzuki's word after hearing so many well-meaning lies from him. But he had to go back to work, someone had to get paperwork done. He scowled. Tatsumi really could be cold-hearted when he was confused. He could feel the waves of it rolling off of him from his empathy, and he knew that Tatsumi only wanted him there because he WAS confused.
He finally stood up and, after telling Tatsumi he was checking on Tsuzuki, teleported out to where he knew Tsuzuki lived.
He knocked on the door, quietly at first, until he finally grew impatient and banged on the door.
"Tsuzuki. Open up." He called out. He listened as there was a rustle of movement, before the door was thrown open. There stood Tsuzuki, still wearing the large suit as she looked up at him.
She was just barely over five foot, while Hisoka himself was at least five foot eight, something he prided himself on since he was just barely taller then Saya and Yuma.
"Hey Hisoka!" She chirped brightly. "Does Tatsumi want me back at the office? Just give me a minute to find something smaller, I just woke up a few minutes ago."
"Tsuzuki, do you honestly think I'm going-?"
"I'll be back out in a minute, Hisoka! Make yourself at home!" She cried out as she ran back inside. "I wonder if I still have those clothes Saya and Yuma left here awhile ago," Hisoka heard her ponder as she ran off.
Hisoka stared at her in disbelief. Her emotions were completely contradictory to her demeanor. Where she exuded cheerfulness and casual contentedness, there was a quiet despair and guilt surrounding her emotions. He stepped in though, and was surprised when he felt even more despair, guilt, regret, depression, and other emotions surrounding the entire home, mostly centering around the bathroom.
"Hey Tsuzuki, you don't mind if I use your bathroom do you?" Hisoka questioned casually as he was already walking towards it. He opened the door as she answered.
"Huh? No, not-" She froze. "Hold up a second, Hisoka-!" She cried out, sprinting out of the room, but it was too late.
Hisoka's eyes widened and he stifled a gasp as he looked in.
The bathroom was completely destroyed. The mirror was shattered, the sink a mess of porcelain and the bathtub had chunks broken off of it. What horrified him completely, though, was the blood, splattered on all of the walls and ground. Puddles of it were all around, way too much for it to be one person's. Unless, Hisoka thought in growing horror, Tsuzuki allowed herself to heal, before continuing. Unless she allowed herself to bleed until the wounds healed with her super-fast healing, passing out from the blood loss, possibly, or being on the brink of death, before she was brought back from the edge and continued trying, blood pouring.
He could see the broken mirror, the broken sink, broken tub, but the only thing he was able to comprehend was the knife, lying innocently by his feet with blood covering it, still wet.
Tsuzuki had a hand covering her mouth as she looked away, shame and embarrassment covering over her. No regret for that, though, Hisoka noted as he bent over and picked up the knife slowly. It laid in his palm, glinting in the light and the blood finding it's way onto Hisoka's hands.
"I-I..." Tsuzuki couldn't find her voice, and Hisoka didn't expect her to as he looked around.
"Go sit down." Hisoka told her softly, not looking at her.
"Hisoka-"
"Now, Asato." Hisoka said firmly. She, unsure of what to do, walked off hesitantly, sitting down on the couch in her living room before biting on her lip and tears pooling in her eyes as she pulled her knees up to her chest and leaning her forehead on them.
Hisoka pocketed the knife before walking into Tsuzuki's bedroom. He pulled the large comforter and Tsuzuki's pillow ("Is that a bloodstain?" he thought, looking at the pillow with sad green eyes), bringing them over to where Tsuzuki was sitting. He gently guided her until she was lying down, when he then set the pillow underneath her head and covered her with the comforter.
"Hisoka-" She tried again, unsuccessfully stifling a sob, only to be cut off as Hisoka gently shushed her.
"Shh..." He covered her mouth with his hand before standing up and walking away. He walked into the kitchen, pulled out a sponge, bucket, broom, and dust pan, along with various other cleaning supplies, before he went into the bathroom. He cleaned up the entire bathroom, picking up every shard of the mirror and placing it in a pile, before scrubbing away at the blood, some of it still wet. And soon he has taken off his jacket and sweater, leaving himself in a black tank top, thin arms scrubbing at the walls and floor. Before long the bathroom is clean, and Hisoka picked up the pile of mirror shards, placing it in a plastic bag, along with the knife.
Hisoka stood up and walked back into the living room, sitting down on the seat across from the couch.
Tsuzuki was watching him with anxious eyes. Hisoka didn't say anything.
And after awhile of waiting, he was gifted with a short, hysterical laugh.
"Just get it over with, Hisoka. Yell at me at how stupid I am. Tell me how much of a mess I am. Tell me how I'm nothing more then a freak."
"Why?" Hisoka asked her in a neutral tone. "Why do you think I'm going to yell?"
"Because it's what everyone does," Tsuzuki answered with dull eyes. Hisoka was slightly surprised that, even though his partner had been changed into a girl, the voice wasn't too different, just slightly higher-pitched. "When Tatsumi caught me after one of my breakdowns, he yelled. When Konoe caught me, he yelled. Hell, when Watari caught me, he yelled. It's the same thing. I'm fine, a grown man." A pause. "Woman, at the moment, but old enough to take care of myself. I'll stop, I promise. It won't happen again, it was just a bad day."
"You honestly think I'm stupid enough to buy that?" Hisoka asked him, raising an eyebrow as he leaned back in his seat. "You might be able to convince Watari, you might be able to convince Konoe, and you might be able to convince Tatsumi with your fake smiles and lies. But not even you can fake emotions. My empathy is stronger then everyone thinks it is. Tatsumi thinks his shields are enough to keep me from feeling his daily confusion or frustration. Konoe thinks his are too. You think your own are. Let me tell you this. They're not, nor will they ever be." He enunciated slowly. "So I want to know what possessed you to completely destroy your bathroom and to bleed as much as you did."
"Why?" Tsuzuki snarled, tears falling once more. "Why does it matter to you? I'm just a burden you have to deal with. I'm just Tsuzuki, the lazy-ass of a shinigami who can't do anything worth a damn. Hell, I do some extra paperwork and it's a sign of the fucking apocalypse. What does it matter if I destroy my bathroom? What does it matter if I bleed?"
"It matters, because I am your partner, damn it." Hisoka told her flatly. "And someone has to care about you when you won't care for yourself."
"You don't care."
"Who says?"
"I do."
"Why?"
"Because I don't matter. Because I'm nothing more then a disaster. A freak. Demon. Burden."
"Who told you that?"
"Everyone."
"Everyone who?"
"Why does it matter?" Tsuzuki asked in exasperation, tears leaking from her eyes. "Do you want a list?"
"Sure."
Tsuzuki glared at him, while Hisoka watched him calmly.
"Why?"
"So I can throttle them for telling you those lies," Hisoka answered, still calm. "You are not a freak, a demon, a burden, or a mess. You are just having some problems. Now, who told you that?"
"I already told you! Everyone! Everyone, at some point or another, has called me one of those things! To Tatsumi I was a burden, to Watari I'm nothing more then mess that needs to be fixed with some sort of medicine. To Luka, I was a demon. To my parents, a freak of nature that needed to be put down! And you-"
"To me, you are a kind idiot that needs to think better of yourself." Hisoka interrupted harshly.
"And you're wrong." Tsuzuki laughed through her sobs. "You're so, completely, utterly wrong. Because they're right. They always have been and always will be. Because I am nothing more then an idiot who still doesn't know up from down and is a disaster. I am a disaster."
"Why do you think so little of yourself?" Hisoka growled. "You have saved my life countless times, and you've saved other people's lives-"
"Yet, more often then I save lives, I take them away. Their blood is splattered on my hands, Hisoka. I can feel it there, I can see it, and I can't wash it away."
"You can." Hisoka snapped. "You just won't let yourself."
"No." Tsuzuki agreed quietly. "I won't. I deserve to bear this for the rest of eternity."
"Why? Why do you, out of all of the rest of the shinigami, deserve this?" Hisoka asked him in determination. "We've all taken lives, and we've all killed people. What makes you so special that you don't deserve redemption?"
"Because I killed them before I was a shinigami!" Tsuzuki shouted, tears falling again. "Because I killed those people before I died! I killed Luka, and Mother, and Father, and the entire Tsuzuki family before I died! I killed them in cold blood! I remember their cries and pleas for me to stop, yet I couldn't! I killed them... So damn it I deserve punishment!"
"You're punishing yourself enough for not forgiving yourself!" Hisoka shouted back.
"I don't deserve to be forgiven-!"
"You're so stupid." Hisoka growled. "Do you honestly believe that load of crap you've been fed? You've saved enough lives and souls to redeem yourself, idiot."
"That doesn't give them their lives back." Tsuzuki whispered, wrapping the comforter tighter around herself. "That doesn't bring Luka back to life."
"What happened?" Hisoka asked Tsuzuki in a neutral tone. "What actually happened? How did Luka and your family die? What did you do that was so terrible that you can't be forgiven?"
Tsuzuki shook her head frantically, eyes widening. "No no no, not happening, Hisoka. You'll hate me. I can deal with you being mad, but I can't have you hate me, I wouldn't be able to handle that." She babbled, shaking her head still as she backed herself as far into the couch as she could.
Hisoka sighed. This was going to be harder then he though. Damn.
"I won't hate you." Hisoka said slowly and carefully, making sure Tsuzuki heard every word. "I know you. I know you didn't mean to hurt them, just by the way you're freaking out right now. And even if at the time you did, it was nothing more then anger that was guiding you, I bet, or possibly self-defense. Now are you going to tell me or am I going to tie you down and force feed you the truth serum Watari made a few weeks ago?" Hisoka raised an eyebrow at Tsuzuki, who he could tell was on the verge of another panic attack.
She shook her head. "N-no. I-I won't. You'll hate me and I can't take that." She whispered as she threw the comforter off and stood up, shaking her head still and her hands resting at her temples.
"Tsuzuki-"
"Don't call me that!" She screamed, covering her head with her arms. "I wasn't supposed to be a Tsuzuki! I wasn't supposed to have their name! I don't deserve to have their name!"
Hisoka was confused again, but he stayed calm. "Asato. You need to calm down." Her emotions were mixing, as if there were two people there instead of one. He thrust his shields up, leaving a small hole in them so he would still be able to feel what she felt on a smaller scale. "Asato, please. Sit down and calm down." Hisoka said softly, pleading with her gently.
"D-don't." She whispered. "J-just... Stop trying. Everyone has tried and nothing has helped. Just... I'm not worth it. I'm not." She teleported away just as Hisoka made a grab at her, him missing by a split second. He swore loudly and slammed his hands down onto the table, falling to his knees and putting his head into his hands. Every single negative emotion was radiating in the apartment, and Hisoka wanted nothing more then to burn the damn place to the ground in that moment. He stood up and walked out, slamming the door shut behind him.