The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone. --Harriet Beecher Stowe.
Dear Diary,
Mom's dead.
I keep hearing those words repeat in my head, over and over. It didn't sink in at first, I was on patrol when Jacob phased in, I'll never forget the layer of sadness, pity and grief in his thoughts. He slowly stuttered out that Carlisle called, it was urgent that me and Seth get to the hospital… there had been a car crash.
Edward drove us, dashing down the highway at blurring speeds, I yelled at him to go faster…
When we arrived it felt like when dad had died, they rushed mom to the operating theatre just like him. Seth paced while I sat numbly on the plastic chairs. Jacob arrived soon after, promising she would be ok. But I don't believe in promises anymore. Carlisle was the one to break the news, telling us there was nothing they could do, putting his hand on Seth's shoulder telling us his door was always open.
It didn't register, I was still dealing with the heartbreak of losing my dad and sam and barely a year later I lose my mother too.
I almost phased as Carlisle explained some drunken kid had smashed into my mom's car, colliding with the driver's side, near enough killing her instantly. I wanted to find him, rip him to shreds, I think it would have been the first murder my pack might have condoned but he also died in the wreckage. I had no remorse for him.
I couldn't see her, I didn't want to remember her like that, neither did Seth. News reached Charlie Swan pretty soon who broke down in the lobby while Bella tried to comfort him. I numbly stepped over him.
Soon enough we had both packs crammed into the hospital, I barely noticed when Sam shook my shoulder, Jacob pushed him away and led me home. Seth ran into the forest howling, in our living room Jacob crushed me into his side as wolves howled in the distance.
After the funeral I still didn't speak, Seth had to hold onto my arm to prevent me from collapsing, I stood in the same black dress I wore a year earlier as they lowered mom's casket next to dads. At the wake every pack member came up to me, each repeating "I'm so sorry for your loss."
I didn't eat, I didn't sleep. Seth begged me to get it together but how could I? Mom was my rock, she was there for me. Dad's death had driven us together and now she had been ripped away from me. The woman who had built me up, kissed my skimmed knees as a child, told me about boys as a teenager, held my hand as I watched Sam run off with Emily, hummed lullaby's as I cried over dad's grave. The woman who had promised everything would get better.
Whatever I had left was gone, only Seth remained and yet we were so independent from each other, my little brother. It was unfair to heap my grief onto him.
Thinking about mom I can't help but feel regret at each time I wasted, I never told her I loved her as she left for work that morning, I never stopped to appreciate her until she was gone.
Some nights I would go to her grave and lay down in front of it, I would gaze out at the sky, if I was lucky the clouds would part and I'd see the stars and think of everything I should have told her, stupid secrets and white lies I should have owned up to. The grief was tearing away inside me but I'd fight back the tears.
Days turned into weeks without me talking or eating much, eventually when I collapsed Seth took me straight to Carlisle.
When Jacob tried to hold me down and force me to eat I kicked and screamed, I finally broke down crying in the end, howling in Jacob's arms as Seth held back tears. I cried until I fell asleep.
I woke up in a bed drenched in an icy stench but ignored it, eventually Esme entered, carrying a bowl of food. Too tired to fight I sat up and let Esme spoon feed me, I only ate a bit before refusing again. Carlisle explained if I didn't eat he'd have to force feed me. Two days after no food Carlisle made good on his promise.
I still didn't talk.
They had Edward latch onto my thoughts which for the most part were blank; all I could focus on was the pain. Jasper's powers couldn't affect me. I was too deeply immersed in my grief to be reached by his fake sheets of peace. Seth was getting on but I wasn't.
I was surprised when Edward of all people slipped a small leather bound book into my hands, he told me if I didn't want to talk I could write my thoughts down, hence this dairy.
I suspect this book is just a way for them to monitor me since Jacob's ordered me to remain here until I start to eat and sleep properly. I'm paranoid of writing, convinced it will be stolen and read out as if it was a simple book reading.
I've had everyone's sincerest promise that my privacy will be respected; to be sure I wait until Edward's left for his cottage with his empty headed wife and miracle daughter so I can write without nosy mind readers.
I don't want to be here but I never feel hungry or tired so Jacob won't lift his command. It makes me shake with anger thinking that Jacob used a command on me when truly he has no business in this matter. He says he cares about me, that he'll be there for me, I don't believe him, what does he know?
He's imprinted.