Alrighty…pardon any typos, it's late. Also this was extremely agonizing to write having to get the explaining out without trying to be too melodramatic. Let me know what you all think. Sigh
P.s. Thanks to Alleycat for the lovely inspiration! ;)
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"I've been baking cakes for the enemy
i've been dying to find out the hard way
ive been taking friends to the alleyway
two down now but who's counting anyway?"
-The Dresden Dolls
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Ponyboy's POV
"Pone, let's go inside."
Someone was speaking to me, but instead I chose to focus on the intense sunlight that was dilating my pupils.
Glory it sure was bright. How long ago did I leave the house? I squinted, trying to remember. I could have sworn it should have been turning dark by now instead of being only three in the afternoon.
"Pone. Pone?" A hand reached out and gently shook my shoulder.
"Oh," I said blinking away the daze, "Sorry Darry."
"It's fine, Ponyboy. Just come inside." Darry opened the passenger door for me. He and Sodapop were standing outside already. I blinked again in surprise, suddenly realizing that I had zoned out the entire ride home. I didn't even remember pulling into our driveway.
Two-Bit said something in a low voice to Steve, who was standing by Sodapop. Steve nodded uncomfortably. Suddenly, I was dreading the inside of my house, the place where I always had explaining to do.
Slowly, I slid out of my seat and trekked up to the house. I badly wanted Two-Bit to crack a joke. For Steve to shoot his mouth off.
Something. Anything to feel normal.
As I was ushered up the steps, my palms began sweating and again I resisted the urge to run very far away.
The door shut behind me and I was inside, vaguely aware of my surroundings. I felt dreamy…odd. Then, I darted for the kitchen, filling up a glass with water and gulping it down. My mouth was so dry I didn't think I could speak, my stomach churning.
"Soda, stay there," I commanded my brother, who was nearly in the kitchen. "Give me a minute, will you?"
He gave me a small, sad smile and joined everyone in the living room.
Frozen, I stood there, my arms clutching the side of the sink as if I were hanging on for my life. I was coming down from the roller coaster realization that I had nearly been shot by an unstable gunman. Instead, what was beginning to get to me was the fact that I could have killed Slim.
Hell, I wanted to kill him.
I was no different than he was. Shaking, I hung my head, trying to breathe steadily.
Was this how I was going to turn out? After everything I had gone through, the progress I had thought I had made. It was as if all the anger of the past few years that I had been holding back erupted out of me today.
Clamping my eyes shut against the thought, I darted out of the kitchen and ran into Two-Bit. "Slow down, kiddo," he said as if I couldn't understand him.
"Sorry," I mumbled dumbly, "I forgot your beer."
Two-Bit's face fell. "Don't worry about that now."
"I gotta go," I said, heading for my bedroom.
"Whoa, whoa, not so fast." Soda caught my arm. "Pone, will you talk to us? What happened in there?"
I gave him a pained look. "Do I have to?" Sodapop faltered for a second, dropping my arm.
Darry took up for him. "Yes. You do."
"Darry, I can't. I just really can't right now."
In that same stern voice he said, "I understand it's hard but you need to." He moved closer and said in a low voice that only I could hear, "We should have talked first thing when you came back from 'Nam. But we didn't. I put it off. And it took you a long time to get back to normal."
"Darry, that wasn't your fault," I snapped before jerking away from him. "This isn't a band-aid that you can just rip off and it'll all feel better. It's shit."
"Darry…maybe we should let him-" Two-Bit began. Steve stared at the floor and groaned at Two-Bit's dangerous decision to contradict Superman.
"Shut up, Two-Bit," Darry spat. Resigned, Two-Bit snapped his mouth shut.
I threw my arms up. Game over No one would leave me alone if I didn't talk.
"Fine Darry. You want to know what happened?" I said, my voice rising slightly. "I practically had the ass-end of a gun shoved down my throat twice today. And because I couldn't shut my trap, some poor man took the bullet for me." I swiped at my eyes angrily, the weight of the day, my life settling on my shoulders. "Darry, Soda, everyone keeps taking my place. When's it gonna be me? I can't stand it anymore."
Two-Bit and Sodapop winced in unison. "Oh, kid…" was all Two-Bit could say. Darry covered his mouth, his eyes grim.
I began pacing, feeling my face heat up in anger. "I got us out of there. But I nearly killed Slim. I couldn't stop hitting him and finally Shakes had to snap me out of it."
Darry blinked, his face pale. "Who?"
I blinked too, hating the fact that I was referring to this guy as if I were his closest friend.
"The robber. I tackled him; he was going to shoot me." The words spewed out of me, ricocheting across the living room. "I wanted to kill him. It almost felt normal to do it…like I was back there…glory, I can't believe I'm back there…"
My brothers fell silent, not expecting this part. I could see Darry grappling for something to say. Then Soda spoke up, his voice pleading. "Ponyboy, it was a stressful situation. You did what you had to do."
"That's not the point Soda," I moaned, "I wanted to do it."
Steve, who hadn't said a word since we entered the house, spoke up. "Ponyboy, for Christ's sake, go easy on yourself."
I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror hanging over the mantle. I barely recognized myself anymore. "Damn it!" I exploded, quickly banging the wall with my fists. I ran a hand through my hair. "I don't know what I'm doing."
Wide-eyed Soda stared at me. He didn't know what to make of it. They all didn't.
Soda took a step toward me. "Pone, you don't look too good."
I cut him off before he could say anything else. "I really gotta go. I'm sorry. I really do." Then I grabbed the keys to Darry's truck and did what I had wanted to do all day.
I ran away.
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"Aren't you supposed to be at home?"
"I take it you've heard the news."
Caplan raised an eyebrow. "Sure, I heard it. But you're pretty much wearing it too." He held the door open and I stepped into his apartment.
"How're you holding up Curtis?" he asked, patting my shoulder as I sank into a chair.
"I don't know." Nervously, I rubbed my hands on my jeans.
Caplan settled down into his chair and scratched his beard. "You never told me." He gestured to the muted TV where my picture was plastered under the caption "17 year old hero".
I looked up at him in surprise. "You know I'm only 17."
"Not that. The other part. The part about your friends. The two that died."
"Oh."
Caplan chuckled. "You know, now that I know about this I'd a thought you'd have a lot more problems over in 'Nam." Caplan turned serious. "What happened today, son?"
"I almost killed that robber. You're wrong, I do have problems. I thought I could be something I'm not. I thought I'd turn out…"
…gold
After a moment of silence, Caplan raised his hand. "You carried a gun in 'Nam right? With the intent to kill?"
In spite of myself I laughed. "Well, it wasn't just for looks."
He grinned at me and I saw what he was getting at.
"Sarge, this was different. Over there I did what I had to do. I wasn't angry with anyone…I just did my job. But with Slim," I winced at the nickname I had given him, "I was so angry, I couldn't stop."
"Curtis, it's basic survival instinct. Don't apologize. I'm sure your brothers wouldn't be getting an apology from this guy had he finished his job."
"I'm supposed to be different!" I exclaimed. "I'm not him."
"Ponyboy, there's not a concrete line between good and bad. The difference between you and this guy is that you understand when you go too far and cross it."
"I thought I did." I said slowly, staring at my red hands.
"Hey," Caplan said sharply. I looked up. "You did the right thing. If it takes you a while to work through that than you damn well do it." Then, he looked pointedly at the TV where Johnny and Dally's pictures were now being shown. "But you can't live in the past. If you won't let it go, how can you change?"
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