Chapter 19. I have twins.
Daphne Greengrass would like to note that both of her twins know perfectly well what happened before their siblings were born, and none of this has any blackmail potential whatsoever.
-==0==-
"So, how is the business?" Daphne asked.
"Er, all right" said Tracey.
"Not too bad" said Millie.
"Nott's mental" said Flora.
"Mr Weasley's mental." said Francis "But the cake he brings is very good."
"So, are there any actual business problems that need my attention?" asked Daphne.
"Not really" said Tracey.
"Apart from her" said Millie, jerking her thumb at Tracey rudely.
"The Quibbler wanted a quote for doing their books" said Francis "But their accounts are written on apple-peels, and I think that might be a bit … challenging."
'Apple-peels' thought Daphne. "If it's not on paper, or parchment, we're not going near it" said Daphne.
"That's company policy, right from the top" said Tracey "Apple-peels are right out."
Francis sighed "Thank merlin for that, that Lovegood woman's bonkers."
"Yes" said Daphne "But also a family friend, and just a quick safety tip, she fought Death Eaters, in her fourth year and did not die, when they invaded the Department of Mysteries. Miss Lovegood is a magizoologist who explores the world, accompanied by Rolf Scamander – Mr Newt Scamanders' grandson, I believe. Ever trip she discoverers some new species... And she's also completely mental."
"A fourth year?" asked Francis, looking a bit pale.
"I suggest not thinking about it – it will make your head hurt, and make no sense, because my husband was involved. Most of his escapades before the end of the war … well don't expect them to make sense. "
"And post-war he married you" said Hestia.
"And a number of other improbable things" said Daphne "He's surrounded with a … reality distortion field. Everyone who is involved in his life for any length of time goes slowly mad from it. I somehow ended up famous, and married to him, with twins."
"And with several magazine supplements about you" added Francis, unhelpfully.
"At school, nobody outside dorms knew I existed" said Daphne.
"No, outside the common room, the boys noticed." said Tracey, unhelpfully "You were Pansy's replaceable hench-witch number three."
Daphne really felt that was quite enough.
The staff meeting over, Daphne returned home to her twins. Who were, according to Harry both hungry. He was right. Again. He hissed at them and they hissed back. Daphne felt a surge of annoyance. Harry would have something with the children she never could.
But also… they finished their meals, burped messily on Harry's towel-covered shoulder and went back to sleep.
Daphne quickly got accustomed to feeding her twins, and got quite hungry herself, as a result.
Mummy and Andromeda started coincidentally being around at the same time. Daphne suspected mummy of enjoying Andromeda's company.
Harry became obsessive about the welfare of the twins, and would fuss over her. After a week that became a tad annoying.
To get away from her slightly annoying husband, Daphne gave him and Andromeda both twins to hold, dressed the most stylish robe that still fitted, slathered on enough foundation to hide the bags under her eyes, and put on her favourite hat. Suitably equipped, Daphne flooed off to Black Books again. Ready to face the world.
One of the Carrow twins was stirring the cauldron at the side of the fireplace.
"Daphne" said the twin.
"Flora" guessed Daphne.
"Hestia" said the twin "But at least you tried." she said.
"How is the apartment?" asked Daphne.
"My sister hogs the bathroom, jams the bathtub drain with hair, and only cooks potato stew." said Hestia.
Daphne shrugged "So better than living with your great-aunt. I'll have someone come and see to the drain. If it's any consolation, Astoria did the same thing till I got a home of my own."
"And yet Millicent has her own cottage." said Hestia, and she scowled.
"Which she pays for. I can check the inventory, but I don't think we have a spare habitable cottage."
"I just want a second bathroom" said Hestia.
Daphne considered that for a moment "Well… there is a spare bedroom."
"It's being used for storage." said Hestia.
"I'll organise an expert to space-expand your wardrobes, and turn the spare bedroom into a second bathroom… and space-expanded closet."
"We could just space expand a bathroom in" said Hestia.
Daphne rolled her eyes "Having read some carefully collated notes on space expansion charms, I don't want to try mixing plumbing and space expansion."
"Where do you get the space-expanded robes done?" asked Hestia. Daphne considered simply admitting she did them herself, and decided not to. "There's this little business, run by muggleborns" lied Daphne. If Granger would not start a business to benefit some muggleborns, then Daphne would do so in her stead, she decided… and make Granger the owner. When she started getting owls asking for executive decisions, she'd have to buckle down. There was no way a ministry job was using all that fuzzy-haired brainpower… besides, people like Perks needed jobs, and she could hardly hire loads of muggleborns at Black books… most of the staff were ex Slytherin's from dodgy families.
"Oh" said Hestia. "Are they cheap?" Not as cheap as you, thought Daphne. Daphne briefly considered the few muggleborns she knew, and suddenly, like a smile from Caph, or a ray of sunshine through a parted cloud, she had an idea. Finch Fletchly – he was well off, he could run the space-expanded bag business, or at least find suitable people. Harry clearly had him on a short leash, if he could be induced to take Astoria out.
Daphne blinked and realised Hestia was starring at her "Are you all right?"
"Just thinking" said Daphne, going to the front of the shop and interrupting Millie, who was sitting looking large and intimidating in the corner while Flora did sums on the calculator.
"Oh Merlin!" exclaimed Millie "You're here."
"Well I do own the place," drawled Daphne. "Staff meeting promptly, Mille. Flora, good to see you."
"How is being a mother" asked Flora in a monotone, not looking up from the calculator.
"Like being overweight and having two crying babies that suckle one's breasts" said Daphne. "They were a hell of a lot of work, and I find them beautiful."
"Probably hormones" said Flora.
"No, that just had me horny during pregnancy" said Daphne, hoping Flora might react.
"Gross" said Flora, without reacting. "Millie, has she been horribly graphic?"
"No that's more a Pansy thing" said Millie "Though Tori has claimed Daphne has talked about… matrimonial matters."
"I've been married for years, girls" said Daphne "We have some physical alchemy, and for some reason he loves me."
"I think it was the killing curse to the head" said Flora.
"Tori claims he er… pleasures Daphne rather a lot." said Millie.
"If he didn't I'd be very annoyed" said Daphne. "It'd be a waste of a handsome man that I'm married to otherwise."
"Is it true about the Parselmouth thing?" asked Flora.
"Yes. I never said that." said Daphne as drolly as she could.
Flora stopped keying in numbers, turned and stared at her, aghast. "You're joking!" she exclaimed.
Daphne shook her head, "The first time he did that, I forgot my own name."
Millie rumbled.
"Family magic, technically" said Daphne "And the only thing dark about it is the desires it creates."
"You," said Flora "are ridiculously lucky."
"No I'm not," said Daphne "He is. My life interacting with his is what made all the weird things happen. Everything around him becomes … ridiculous, or dangerous or strange. I swear if it's been say, you, you'd be happily married to himself."
"No, that'd be horrible" said Flora "I don't even like men."
Daphne found herself speechless. She looked over at Millie, who was wide-eyed.
She turned back to look at Flora. "Are you a erm, Witches witch?" asked Daphne.
"I'm a nobody's witch – it's impossible to find such a witch" said Flora.
Millie snorted.
"What Millie means to say, is that Sally Smith is one" said Daphne.
"Smith?" asked Flora "But … she lives in Edinburgh… hangs out with muggles."
"And works here. Do try to ask tactfully – don't ask me how, I know nothing about dating, ask Mille?"
"Not going near that with a ten-foot pole" said Millie. "Blokes ignore me. I'm not a bloody model like some people."
"Millie, there's more to life than looks" said Daphne "Someone who loved you for who you are wouldn't care about looks."
"Says you, model, married to Harry, sexy arse Potter." said Mille.
"Look, I have no idea, I spent years miserable, and I don't think I'll ever love him," said Daphne. "He's just too annoying." But he does have a sexy arse, Daphne admitted to herself.
Millie said "I've got five galleons on December. You're full of it."
Daphne was confused, then realised what Millie was alluding to.
"I do not love him. I love my children, and I am fond of him, in addition to some physical alchemy. No more than that." said Daphne indignantly.
"I should check the spread" said Flora "There might be a month near December with less wagers on it. I'd get better odds."
"Thank you both for reminding me why you are all horrible people," huffed Daphne, "Staff meeting."
Daphne went back to the back room, and down the maze of hallways, all alike, to find Tracey's office.
Tracey was drinking coffee with one hand and keying into the printing cash-register quickly with the other.
"Tracey" said Daphne.
Tracey stopped and looked Daphne up and down "No baby. Where are they?"
"With their father and great-aunt Black. We're having a staff meeting – gather the coven." said Daphne.
"It's not a coven, it's a business" said Tracey "I'm not calling you grand high witch."
"Fine you can call me boss instead," said Daphne. Tracey got up and came over and started her in the face.
"How are you talking under all that?" asked Tracey.
"Babies give you bags under your eyes" said Daphne. "If I appeared in public looking less than well-groomed, Skeeter and co would have me dying of … Hanahaki disease."
"Don't be ridiculous. You'd be dying of eldritch complications from having twins, which witch-kind was not meant to do." said Tracey, and she asked more quietly "Are you all right?"
"I just had to get out of the house. Harry's fussing over me, and it's getting on my tits."
"They are huge," said Tracey "No homo."
"I'm breastfeeding twins. They have to be." said Daphne.
"All you?"
"No don't be silly. Bottles especially for night feedings, lets me get some sleep and makes sure they're gaining weight on schedule." said Daphne.
"Regret it?"
"No, I love them. Caph's so beautiful." said Daphne.
"And the other one" said Tracey.
"He's a good eater and sleeper – that's perfection in a baby really. Altair looks like a baby Harry, so he'll be very handsome once he's grown up."
"And a midget in first year."
"Which is why a carefully managed feeding plan." said Daphne "Mummy spends a surprising amount of time being a doting grandmother."
"And you've therefore forgiven her for the contract" said Tracey.
"No, I'm lulling her into complacency. She will get plaster clowns in the shape of out-of shape grandmothers." said Daphne, and smiled.
"Brutal," said Tracey, with a toothy smile. "Dad still going to get socks?"
"I'm considering buying a bulk lot, and handing them out one pair per birthday and Christmas" said Daphne "Emphasising the lack of expense."
"Really help him understand just how much you were annoyed" said Tracey, nodding.
Daphne remembered something important, and closed the door behind her and cast the privacy charm she'd wheedled out of Harry.
"By the way… Flora's admitted to being a witches witch. I've suggested she talk to Smith." said Daphne.
"Oh god. You're someone's mum, and now you're match-making" said Tracey, lifting her eyebrows "Smith and Flora?"
"Who else?" said Daphne "That's not an actual question. What's Smith doing living with muggles?"
"Oh" said Tracey "That's complicated. She's erm… self-conscious about being us."
"Us?" asked Daphne.
"Slytherin, not awarded an Order of Merlin, and unlike you, not married to The-Man-who-won."
"Oh god. He hates that shit." said Daphne. "One mention of one of those nicknames and he sulks for the rest of the day. Smith wasn't… one of them though."
"Well no, but people just look at the list, you know, in Slytherin, not dead or in prison, and assume… "
"Corrupt deal" said Daphne "Well… in that vein, if Smith did have a problem, I can complain to the Minister."
Tracey crossed her arms "That's not helping is it?" she asked.
"Harry won't." said Daphne "I have no compunction about being the annoying trophy wife of the man-who-conquered, if that gets DMLE to leave innocent friends alone."
"Would you… really? Doesn't seem like you" said Tracey.
"It's not fair that being sorted into Slytherin makes you automatically a Death Eater. Sally wanted to be a healer, well, head of, I think it was infectious diseases."
"But works here" said Tracey. "Because you hired everyone from dorms."
"Not Pansy." said Daphne. She suffered a moment of wondering if Sally's life was really what it could be.
"Who's in America anyway." said Tracey "Did you hear about Aberforth Dumbledore, getting caught putting lingerie on his goats?"
Daphne tried to look innocent.
"Daph!"
"I am not responsible for … all of that" said Daphne.
"What, you and Potter went off to harass him?"
"Erm no" said Daphne.
Tracey lifted her eyebrows.
"Got drunk with Granger at the Hogs head. She's a bad influence. All Gryffindors are." admitted Daphne.
"Granger… had the idea to conjure lingerie onto his goats?" asked Tracey.
"I'm not sure. I was um, quite pissed. We had to take the Knight bus home" said Daphne.
"What were you doing drinking at the Hogs Head with Granger?" asked Tracey. "The Hogs Head of all places? There are some dodgy looking characters there."
"Well, um…. Harry insists we get sloshed either at home, or at Grimmauld place in future, for our safety."
"For everyone else's safety. So I've been replaced by Granger?" said Tracey, blinking hammily.
"NO! We needed to have a talk about some … conversations with third parties, and I was trying to stop Granger from, well… getting as up herself as Ginevra Weasley."
"You really hate Weasley."
"I don't hate her." said Daphne "I just… she makes me feel fat and unfit and… that was before children."
"Yeah well, just remember that Harry Potter-Black loves you, not her." said Tracey. "And why me? Why do I have to give you a sensible talk? You're married with children, I'm just some witch what works at an accounting firm, and hadn't had a good shag since – "
"Please don't tell me" interrupted Daphne. "Oh – Finch Fletchly… Justin Finch-Fletchly, he's muggleborn, tall, rich. If necessary, my husband can boss him into a date. He declined to date Astoria again. Decided she was spoilt. Maybe your earthy, girl-next-door attitude would interest him?"
"Are you seriously trying to set me up with someone that turned down your sister?"
"Well ,you're far less spoilt than her, except for having an en-suite of your own as a teenager." said Daphne.
"You always say that like I had a solid-gold toilet seat." said Tracey.
"You're an only child, you'd never understand."
"Uh… Roger?" asked Tracey.
"Doesn't count" said Daphne. "He paints houses for a job."
"Part-time" corrected Tracey. "No way he could have been a Slytherin with his attitude."
"Have your parents ever… suggested he grow up?" asked Daphne.
"Er, since the whole Fleur Delacour thing, they're just happy if he stops masturbating for a few hours." said Tracey, with a malicious smile.
"Ugh! Gross." said Daphne. "Is he actually broken?" Daphne eyed Tracey, who had a sudden poker face "St Mungo's mind healers do good work." she added.
"No, honestly you believe anything!" said Tracey, rolling her eyes. "He's just lazy. But he is cheap, and you're saving real money using his limited painting skills."
"Do you find him an embarrassment?" asked Daphne.
"Your sister has been front page in Teen witch weekly on a feature on the chocolate cake diet" said Tracey. "My brother's a lazy bookworm. Who should be embarrassed?"
"Why doesn't he play quidditch, he played at school?"
"Lazy bookworm. There had to be a Ravenclaw team, so he played Quidditch but, I believe lacking that structure… he paints, he gets paid, he reads. And dates a succession of pathetic bitches."
"Oh he is dating?"
"Only complete muppets" said Tracey "I think losing out on Fleur Delacour to a Weasley ruined what little confidence he had."
"Well, your brother is not Bill Weasley." said Daphne, shaking her head.
"Is the um, graffiti about Bill Weasley true?" asked Tracey.
"Under the scars he was probably very handsome, and he keeps Fleur amused… and they have two children. I suspect they might have more… Fleur seems untroubled by pregnancy… lucky cow."
"Well, did Fleur, who you evidently are buddies with now, mention that he really did have a massive wand?"
"I think it's the twelve NEWTS" said Daphne, lifting her eyebrows. "Handsome, and very clever, and powerful and very confident. It's a good combination."
"It's a bloody impossible combination for us mere mortals to find."
"Oh Harry's not too bad" said Daphne.
"You don't count as one of us mere mortals" said Tracey "French Teen Witch Weekly's most beautiful teen witch."
"Years ago. A doctored photo, I'm a blimp." said Daphne bluntly. "I'm a size eight for god's sake."
"That's mostly boobs" said Tracey bluntly.
"I'm breastfeeding!" said Daphne. "My twin children."
"Yeah that sounded awful. I wasn't game to come in and watch. It sounded bad enough. You broke his hand, you know?"
"I did not" protested Daphne.
"Eh, he just changed hands" said Tracey "The healers explained loud enough we could all hear."
"I… may have been in excruciating pain as a child passed out my cervix" said Daphne.
"The screams and cries gave that away, yeah" said Tracey, nodding. "No way I'm doing that."
"The right man come along, you fall in love… you'll change your tune."
"Hah!" you admitted it!" said Tracey.
"No I had to have a Greengrass heir to keep cousin Bertie from inheriting. Getting Cassiopeia was a gift." said Daphne. "Obviously, given his predilection for stupid risks, we had to hurry things along before he died."
"Yeah I remember you screaming that you were going to cut Harry's balls off, as she came out" said Tracey.
Daphne cast her mind back to giving birth, but her memories were a bit hazy. Probably due to lack of sleep, she reasoned.
"So as I'm your best friend, can I get to come see the little beasts?"
"They're babies, not beasts." said Daphne. "Course you can."
"What about him?"
"He's harmless" said Daphne.
"The guy that exploded seventeen Death Eaters is Harmless?"
"They were a threat. You're a friend. I do have to warn you he has a terrible sense of humour."
"Excellent" said Tracey, steepling her hands. Daphne shivered involuntarily.
"That's what I'm afraid of… I think you could find Granger hilarious, well, easy to make blush." said Daphne. "She doesn't wear foundation, and the merest hint of smut, and she's red in the face."
"Smut, you?" asked Tracey "Are you stealing my life?"
"You're wasting it… you actually get to choose a partner… go find someone that makes you happy." said Daphne.
"OH god… you've gone all mum" said Tracey, frowning.
"Well you can come and play as Aunt Tracey. No dirty language in front of the children."
"Course not. Can I really come any time?"
"Course. Obviously, you might want to send notice for catering… like a civilised human being, unlike some people."
"It's all in 'human being' not chocolate cake eating spoilt pig" said Tracey "How does she stay so bloody thin."
"Takes after daddy." said Daphne. "The limited intellect also" she added.
In the interest of not being reported dead, she went out into Diagon Alley, headed for Flourish and Blott's. With a simple plan: get a new book to read while she nursed the children.
"It's HER!" said a witch to her friend. Daphne tried not to roll her eyes, but failed.
The alley rapidly filled up with witches and wizards from the shops lining the alley, and the archway door to the Leakey was packed with people.
"Where are they?" asked a witch in a grey robe, with red piping.
"By they, you mean my twins?" asked Daphne "They are at home with their father and great-aunt. I'm here in Diagon Alley like any private witch, just doing a little shopping."
"We want to see them!" shouted some young witch.
"Excuse me?" asked Daphne "You want to see my children?"
"His children" corrected the witch.
"Trust me Miss, they're mine. I distinctly remember giving birth to them." said Daphne.
"When's Witch Weekly going to have a feature on them?" asked some florid old Witch.
"Well hopefully never" said Daphne snidely.
"But you're FAMOUS" protested the florid old witch.
"For marrying Harry Potter-Black against my will, yes" said Daphne.
"Oh go on. He's dishy!" said a middle-aged witch in blue, who had no business whatsoever observing that her husband was dishy.
"EXCUSE ME" said Daphne "Some of you are under the impression that because we are celebrities, that makes our private life your business. That is mistaken."
"Well, The Quibbler then" asked the florid witch.
"No" said Daphne firmly "They're not even two months old, they're just babies. When they turn eleven, they'll go to Hogwarts, and then other children can meet them."
Daphne suddenly realised she might sound the tiniest bit like old Madam Longbottom; Neville had been dragged to extended family parties, but apart from that he lived his childhood in seclusion at Longbottom Hall. Not that she was a maddened old battle-axe with a vulture hat. Her hats were tres chic.
"And why do we never see you and Harry Potter then!" asked some wizard in a stupid round-pointed hat, rather accusingly.
Daphne caught their eyes, and gave them a stern glare "PROBABLY" she said loudly "because you're not family, or a friend. It's none of your bally business – Harry hates being mobbed, by annoying people when he's just trying to do some shopping."
"But He's the man who WON!" said the wizard in the stupid hat. Daphne could hardly believe the tripe he was talking.
"The man whose parents were murdered when he was fifteen months old, who had to fight the madman who did it as a teenager?" said Daphne "He's the man that didn't die. Of course, I'm quite pleased with him these days… he grows on one."
"GINNY WEASLEY WAS HIS ONE TRUE LOVE!" shouted some narrow-eyed middle-aged witch in a simply dreadful lemon and green robe.
"Excuse me?" asked Daphne. "Do I know you? Are we relatives? No. I think not. My husband, when questioned under Veritassium admitted to loving me." Daphne felt quite smug about that; and the stupid witch in the lemon and green robe got a lemony look on her face. "You twisted his mind" she accused.
"Yes, with all my dark magical powers" said Daphne snidely.
"It's the gigantic breasts" said the wizard in the stupid hat.
Daphne drew her wand and aimed it at the idiot in the stupid hat with the death wish. People obligingly parted a little, giving her a clear shot.
"I'm breastfeeding, you twat" said Daphne "Twins, obviously." And she fired a wordless shrinking charm at the wizard's stupid hat, which shrank so suddenly it clung to his head like a felt bathing-cap. He grabbed at his hat and tried to remove it with both hands, struggling quite a lot.
"Oh. That went well" commented a witch next to Daphne. "You're such a good shot."
Daphne pointed her wand at the witch in the lemon and green robe "Want some?" asked Daphne, itching to hex the silly cow.
That had the silly cow yelling "Aurors! Aurors! I'm being threatened by a dark witch!"
Daphne gave up, lowered her wand and rolled her eyes very rudely. "Oh sod off you silly cow" she said. The idiotic wizard in the stupid shrunken hat had given up trying to remove his hat and was looking at Daphne sulkily. "You too" said Daphne.
The crowd of people started all talking at once, and Daphne's teeth ground.
"I'm TRYING to get to Flourish and Blotts" said Daphne.
"Oh, that's on the list" said a tired looking woman in jeans, trainers and a sweatshirt that reminded Daphne of one of Harry's old tops. She had a crumpled parchment in one hand, and the other holding the hand of a little girl, who couldn't have been more than eleven. Who was also wearing muggle clothes.
"Make room" said Daphne, projecting a little "We're going to Flourish and Blotts!"
The muggle woman followed Daphne, and after a few yards said "Oh, thank you I've no idea what that traffic jam was all about."
Daphne had no idea what traffic jam was. She paused and checked over her shoulder – the annoying people had left off following her, and it was just a normal bustling day in Diagon alley. Then, in the distance, Daphne caught a flicker of gold, and saw revoltingly green crocodile hide robes. Skeeter. Buggering hell with extra pitchforks.
"Oh bother" said Daphne.
The woman turned around "What is it?" she asked "Oh – there's a woman coming in crocodile. How vulgar. She must be a celebrity, I suppose."
"Worse" said Daphne, sighing "A reporter. Come on, maybe we can get to Flourish and Blotts"
"Muuum! I still need my wand" said the little witch.
"Get that last" said Daphne hastily "She'll play with it, and I admit I drove my parents mad till September first."
"You're a witch, of course" said the woman "I'm Angela Ryan, my Tracey's a witch."
"Daphne Gree- Black" said Daphne "Daphne Black.
"Greenblack?"
"Maiden name" said Daphne "Come on" said Daphne and she hurried almost indecorously quickly towards Flourish and Blotts.
"So… " asked Angela "You're married, I saw the big ring, is that a witch thing?"
"Family thing" said Daphne "I've got twins at home, they're just six weeks."
"Oh you poor dear, twins. Oh my." said Angela, and she patted Daphne on the upper arm.
"They're both beautiful and healthy" said Daphne, pursing her lips "You… the little witch."
"I'm Tracey" said little Tracey.
"Come on. Diagon Alley's going to get more crowded" said Daphne, and she set off, glaring at people to get them out of her way.
"Do people always stare" asked Angela.
"Lately, yes" said Daphne drily.
They reached Flourish and Blott's and there was a table out in front of the shop with remaindered books. Daphne could smell them from four feet off.
Daphne paused, and looked over her shoulder "Do not touch the remaindered books – some joker has let a dungbomb off."
Daphne opened the door, it rang gently, and held it open till Angela and Tracey had stepped inside , then let it shut.
One of the sales-witches started walking over. Daphne gave her a glare, and she nodded and stopped.
Daphne squatted and eyed Angela's little Tracey, who had dark hair and didn't look a bit like her Tracey. "My best friend starting Hogwarts was Tracey. Let's got your books sorted." Daphne stood up.
"Do we just browse?" asked Angela. Daphne picked up a basket, and held the wicker handle in her left hand "Well, we could insist the poor girl pick it all out, but that's a little rude."
"Can you spare the time?" asked Angela.
"I'm self-employed, my husband is hovering, and my twins are barely letting me sleep. I need a new novel, and I might as well help. I'll have done something good today." said Daphne. Angela frowned slightly.
She headed down the shop to the school textbooks area. A trestle table was covered in bundles of books tied with string.
Daphne pointed at the bundles of books tied with string "Hogwarts first year" she said, and raised her voice "I say, are those the Hogwarts first years sets?"
The sales-witch who'd followed them nodded mutely. Daphne went over, picked up a bundle and eyed the spines. They looked quite familiar.
"Right" said Daphne, and she put the bundle in the basket "Lets see that list."
The list was fairly familiar, but had a block of books on the bottom that Daphne had never seen before. 'A guide to magical Britain', 'An introduction to the magical world' and 'Magical laws and your family, a guide.' Oh – they must be muggles with a muggleborn daughter. Granger would have had these books. And she'd needed different ones.
Daphne clicked her fingers. The sales-witch dashed over. Daphne proffered the list to her "Get us those three books."
"Yes, Mrs Black, right away Mrs Black" said the sales-witch, and she fled.
"Daphne?" asked Angela "Are you very important?"
"Only to my children and husband" said Daphne drily "But the surname has it's perks."
Daphne headed down to the far corner of the shop and slowed "Now, Tracey this is where the very boring books on law are. They're made intentionally boring, so you won't read them."
Angela caught Daphne's eye. Daphne lifted her chin "Right" she said, and, with a little difficulty bending low, found 'Cyclopdeia of laws current and proper', and put it in the basket.
"Angela, that's … well, a good summary of the legal code as it stood a few years ago. It's been revised… but anyway, you and your husband should familiarise yourselves with it." said Daphne.
"How does it differ from normal law?" asked Angela.
"Honestly I have no idea" said Daphne "My family are all magical, and until my husband took me shopping at Harrods, I'd never been anywhere muggle."
Angela's pupils shrank.
"Look, What you need is guide, and while I know the magical side of things, I'm rather ignorant of muggle things." Daphne paused, she had a brilliant idea.
Daphne drew her wand, and thought of Yule with her parents, when she was ten, her little sister only eight, and cast the Patronus charm. The silvery, glowing cloud of smoke congealed into a swan, and it craned it's snakelike head at her.
"Go to Hermione Granger. Hermione, I'm in Flourish and Blotts and have something of a book dilemma, apropos Muggleborn family education." said Daphne. The swan nodded once, straightened her neck and flapping, flew off.
"Wow" said Tracey "What was that?"
"That's so cool" said Angela "It smelt of mulled wine." 'Oh wow, that's how you do it,' thought Daphne.
Daphne put her wand back up her opposite sleeve "That was the Patronus charm, it's a charm – one of the five major classes of magic, and it protects one from a couple of nasty magical creatures. One of the lesser-known uses…"
"Is to send a message to someone called Hermione. I take it she's a witch too?" asked Angela.
Hermione Granger" said Daphne "Is a famous witch. I was at school with her, and she's an expert on the legal system as applied to muggleborn witches like Tracey – Hermione's a muggleborn witch and works for the government."
The bookshop door jangled and two witches tried to enter at the same time. There was a muffled grunt. Daphne looked over, and Hermione Granger, in office robes, was pushing past Rita Skeeter.
"Oh Hermione!" Daphne called "Over here!" She lifted a hand, and waved. That's what people did, wasn't it.
Hermione turned and said something very short and sharp to Rita Skeeter, and Rita Skeeter froze in obvious fear. Skeeter nodded and left the shop. Daphne's heart lifted. Granger was getting a really nice Christmas present.
A moment later, Hermione had arrived, hair a little out of control, a little sweaty.
"Is everything all right?" ashed Hermione. Who had her wand out.
"Hermione, this is Anglea… and Tracey. Tracey's a muggleborn witch starting Hogwarts, and while there are extra books for her family, I thought you'd be the expert on what books Angela and family actually need." said Daphne, and she smiled at … Hermione.
Hermione gave her a quick frown, then turned to Angela, and held out her hand "Hermione Granger"
Angela shook her hand "Angela Ryan. Not a witch – Daphne Black's been helping."
Hermione glanced quickly over at her. "Really?" she asked, smiling politely.
"There was this ridiculous traffic jam, everyone was standing around yelling, then I heard Daphne say she just wanted to go to Flourish and Blotts. Well, I tagged along, and introduced Tracey."
"I'm Tracey. Are you a real witch?" asked Tracey.
Hermione waved her wand, and all the nearby books took flight from the shelves, flew about flapping their pages, and landed back in, what Daphne was quite sure, were the same positions.
"That's a library cleaning charm" said Hermione.
"Oh yes – Daphne explained about the Patronus charm – seems like a wonky cellphone" said Angela.
"Well, it doesn't go flat, and is never out of signal" said Hermione "But yes, like a wonky cellphone. There are enchanted mirrors that are like phones, but you can see your caller. They don't, I think, work for more than one other mirror."
"They're rare" offered Daphne.
"Harry's father had one" said Hermione "Her husband. My best friend." she nodded in Daphne's direction.
"Oh my, so you're the other woman" said Angela.
Granger grimaced "Erk. The nauseated woman, anyway. Harry was my friend from I was your age- Tracey, till today. Daphne puts up with him."
"I have no choice" said Daphne.
"Well love's like that" said Angela.
"Yes well" said Hermione, changing the subject hastily. "The cyclopedia's okay, but Fleicher's 'Misrule and mistakes' is the book I wish my parents had had when I was eleven." Hermione paused "Well, but not, or I'd have been sent to a different school."
"Excuse me?" asked Angela "Is there something I need to know?"
"Yes" said Daphne "Many things."
"I'm bored" said Tracey.
"She's eleven" said Hermione. "Let's get something to eat."
"Icecream?" asked Daphne.
"Why not" said Angela "Tracey – icecream?"
"Oh yeah" said Tracey.
Daphne dumped the books on the counter next to the till, and Hermione summoned another black book with thick silver bindings.
"Oh" said Angela "That looks a little expensive."
"I can -" started Hermione.
Daphne picked up a novel with a cover depicting a young, buxom, corseted witch holding the back of her hand to her forehead from the pile by the till, and added it to the pile "I'll pay – my treat – like the icecream."
"Daphne, you're not seriously buying that drivel?" asked Granger, sounding scandalised.
"Granger, I'm spending most of my time with people who only cry and suckle. A book to take my mind off it, is what I want." said Daphne.
"I read magazines while I was feeding Tracey" offered Angela.
"I'm caught up on Arithmancy today and Rune seekers, so its trashy romances" said Daphne.
"You read Rune seekers?" asked Hermione.
"I've tried to do the runic crossword in the quibbler, but it drives me insane" said Daphne.
Granger nodded "Whoever sets it makes the clues cryptic and then plays language games with the rune sets."
"Um, runes are like… writing aren't they?" asked Angela tentatively.
"Very old spellbooks are written in runes" said Hermione. "And Arithmancy is well.. it's the magic of numbers… sort of… um."
"Sometimes used to predict the future, and also in spell and potion design" said Daphne. "Hermione dislikes divination."
"Divination?" asked Tracey "There's not a book for that. What is it?"
"It's an elective class starting in third year" said Daphne confidently "Predicting the future using various methods. The teacher at Hogwarts is a bit weird."
"A complete fraud, well… almost a complete fraud" said Hermione. Daphne felt her eyebrows climbing her forehead.
"That doesn't sound very good" said Angela, frowning.
"Well, Professor Trelawney is very bad at divination, but she is actually a Seeress. So she occasionally falls into a trance and gives a prophecy." said Hermione, pursing her lips "The annoying part is that she's extremely accurate at that, but can't control it."
Angela was frowning in a way guaranteed to cause wrinkles. Daphne wondered if she might need some really good wrinkle cream – the Weasley's Wonder-witch wrinkle-be-gone was good, and reasonably priced.
"Shouldn't the school get a proper divination teacher" said Angela.
Daphne shrugged "Very few people are good at it. It's often taken as an easy course."
"I dropped it in disgust" said Hermione, righteously.
"If you'd get me a copy of Fleisher's Mistakes and misrule?" asked Daphne to the sales-witch "Angela here is just starting out as a parent of a witch with Tracey – she's going to Hogwarts."
"I'm nearly twelve" offered Tracey "And Daphne said there'll be icecream."
"Trust me" said Daphne "There's going to be icecream."
Daphne rummaged in her robe pocket for her money-bag while the sales-witch summoned a copy of Fleicher.
"Are the pockets in robes very deep?" asked Angelea, once Daphne's arm was in up to her elbow.
"Space-expanded" said Daphne "Hermione – explain that ... my money bag's slipped behind my spare socks."
"Spare socks?" asked Angela.
"Tracey, Angela?" said Hermione "We, that is magical people, have discovered how to erm, shrink or expand spacetime. The practical result is that you can have a nature park in a suitcase, a suitcase in a pocket."
"That'll be five galleons, nine sickles and two knuts" said the Saleswitch "I'll wrap them – will you be needing them shrunk?"
Daphne's fingers finally found her money-bag "Got it!" she exclaimed, and pulled it out. It landed with a shinging clonk on the counter, about fist-sized. Daphne undid the cord around the top, and poured out a few galleons, and added "And moneybags are charmed to hold far more than they should, yet not weigh very much."
"Not weigh very much?" asked Angela.
"The laws of physics are more suggestions than outright rules to witches" said Hermione "We do have a number of laws of magic though, and Tracey will be learning about all of them."
"So you lot can do anything?" asked Angela.
"Can't create love" said Daphne, heading that one off at the gatepost.
"Can't infinitely increase the quantity of food." offered Hermione.
"Can't make food from things that aren't food." added Daphne "But you can make pretend food." she added for Tracey's benefit.
"And clean effortlessly." said Hermione.
"Though honestly" said Daphne "A really good scale remover is still the best thing for stained a porcelain sink." Angela's eyebrows lifted "Really?"
"Harry got me onto Viakal. It's revived sinks that magic could not fix" said Daphne.
"Viakal?" asked Angela "Magic can't do everything?"
"No" said Hermione "Though, a well-prepared witch can do everything with just her wand and some potions."
Daphne handed over six galleons, the till went ching, and she dumped the change straight into her money-bag, and tied it off.
"The tills are a little old fashioned, but it's a lot like a proper shop" said Angela.
Hermione had the good grace to wait till they were halfway out the door before explaining "Daphne owns the company that leases the cash-registers to everyone."
"The family own it, I'm just managing director" demurred Daphne.
"Black Books" explained Hermione "Daphne isn't going to tell you that she single-handedly modernised retail in magical Britian."
"Well I don't do it on my own – I have staff" said Daphne, snagging a table at Foretescues, and sitting down. A young male waiter approached "Mrs Black… and Hermione Granger!" they blushed.
Daphne looked over and Hermione was rolling her eyes in a most undignified way.
"Chocolate mint sundae for me, Hermione ?" asked Daphne.
"Mint, orange choc chip" said Hermione.
"I want chocolate" said Tracey.
"I'll have um… what's good?" asked Angela. "I'm new here" she added.
The waiter looked thoughtful "The caramel sundae."
"Ohhh, ohh, get the hot cold fudge caramel sundae." said Daphne, dignity be dammed.
"Hot cold fudge?" asked Angela.
"The fudge is cold, the icecream is hot." said the waiter, with a friendly grin. "A house speciality."
"Is it safe?" muttered Angela.
"It's rather neat" said Daphne "But I like choc mint. … um with cherries."
"Many cherries?" asked the waiter.
"A handful" said Daphne, feeling her stomach gurgling.
The waiter left and Angela waited a second before saying "So Hermione's famous."
"Most famous witch alive" said Daphne.
"Sez you" said Hermione "You're on more witch weekly covers."
"You can put some Sleekeezys in your hair and use a little foundation" said Daphne mildly.
Angela laughed "You two are friends" she said. "Being a witch is just like being a normal woman."
"Well, obviously, just… we can rearrange the universe to suit ourselves" said Hermione.
"Where's the icrecream?" asked Tracey.
The waiter returned with a tray, and hastily served up four bowls to the right persons. "Bon appetit"
Daphne scooped up a cherry off her icecream, and crunched it.
Angela stared at her steaming ice-cream for a moment, then took a tentative spoonful.
"It's like baked alaska, but… magic." she said.
"Welcome to magical food" said Daphne, scoffing another cherry.
Hermione ate her mint icecream, and Tracey ate chocolate icecream enthusiastically.
"So… why is Hermione famous?" asked Angela.
"There was a war, and three people ended it. My husband was one, Hermione was the brains of the outfit." she paused and caught Hermione's eye. Hermione put her spoon down "My boyfriend – Ron, he was the third. He became a, um, magical policeman after the war." Hermiones mouth pressed into a tin line and her eyes clearly watered "he died in the line of duty."
"Saving my husband" said Daphne, generously.
"He's so blo – bally reckless . What was he thinking!" said Hermione, taking up her spoon and wolloping the sundae viciously.
"My husband can be notoriously reckless" said Daphne, in what might be the understatement of the week.
"You know how we said there are prophecies, well they're real" said Hermione.
"I gathered" said Angela.
"Before Harry was born there was a prophecy. He was the only person who could defeat, well this terrorist" said Hermione "The terrorist found out, and killed Harry's parents, tried to kill him. He failed."
"Because Harry's mother was a brilliant witch – muggleborn like Tracey and Hermione" said Daphne.
"She did some really clever magic to protect Harry" said Hermione "And… long story short, in ninety-eight, there was a battle and the terrorist died. Harry saved everyone, using some old, simple magic, and … taking a huge risk."
"So… he's an actual hero?" asked Angela. "Don't think I'm forgetting you said terrorist or war."
"She's an actual Hero" said Daphne, pointing at Hermione briefly "The highest award in magical Britain is the order of Merlin. The highest kind of Order of Merlin is first class. That is Hermione Jane Granger, Order of Merlin ( first class). War hero, legal reformer, and campaigner for totally equal rights for everyone, muggleborn, or from a long line of witches and wizards. Like me. They get called purebloods, but to be honest… there's a lot of inbreeding. I'm lucky my mother isn't from Britain – a lot of my friends have parents that are second cousins."
As Daphne had hoped, Hermione was blushing.
Angela gave a belly-laugh "You're making her blush!" she said, and chuckled.
"It is like hexing fish in a barrel" admitted Daphne drily.
"So, did you get a medal in the war I never heard about?" asked Angela of Daphne.
"No, I got Harry instead." said Daphne "The war was a civil war, between followers of the terrorist Tom Riddle and everyone else. They took over the magical government for a while, and I did almost nothing – I'm a coward, and I'm bad a fighting. Hermione is good at fighting."
"What Daphne is not saying" said Hermione "Is that Daphne's parents sold her off to a person in the terrorists inner circle, and only Harry winning and a few other coincidences, made that agreement become one where Harry married her."
"He chose to save me" said Daphne "He fell in love with me after a year or two. I'm not in love with him – but it was a stupid magically binding contract – they don't happen except… Harry's got this … "
"Strange things happen around him" said Hermione
"I can make things float" offered Tracey.
"Harry's life consists of freakish coincidences, accidental discoveries of ancient lost magical artefacts, and assorted magical contracts and, well, terrorists." said Daphne.
"Reality distortion field" said Hermione "That's the summary. Even for wizards, Harry's life is just improbable."
"And you have twins… but claim not to love him" said Angela.
"I love my babies" said Daphne defensively "I wasn't expecting twins, but then I swelled up like a prize pumpkin."
Angela snorted. "You poor dear." she reiterated. "So you're married to the hero of the nation, and you read trashy romances?"
"He's hovering" said Daphne sharply. "He fusses over me, and won't let me do things."
"And she was in labour for over a day" added Hermione.
"Good lord." said Angela.
"I don't remember." said Daphne "not sleeping plus medical potions."
"She broke his hand" added Hermione.
"He would have said" said Daphne, defensively.
"He's completely under her spell." said Hermione.
"I thought you said there's not a spell for that" said Angela.
"Daphne – don't mind me, French Teen witch weekly named me most beautiful ten witch alive" said Hermione, with a little smirk.
"Hermione, that photo was doctored!" said Daphne "And I've lost my figure."
"Hermione – are you implying that Daphne is very beautiful?" asked Angela, thoughtfully eating fudge.
"That Harry is a sucker for a pretty face, and her wedding dress had people biting their hands." said Hermione.
"Biting?" asked Angela.
"It was custom-made in Paris by a quite exclusive dressmaker" said Daphne.
"And as Daphne said at the wedding reception, leaning over the table at me – 'some of us have a waist.' She looked exceedingly glamorous."
"I was twenty-two" said Daphne "And a size six. I'll never fit in the dress again."
"You do look like a model, dear" said Angela.
"I look terrible." said Daphne.
"I didn't leave home for months" said Angela.
"Rumours were spreading that I had died" said Daphne "So I slathered on foundation and braved Daigon Alley."
"She's like, stupid famous?" asked Tracey.
"Angela, remember princess Diana?" asked Hermione "Daphne's magical Britain's Princess Diana."
"Oh come on Granger." said Daphne indignantly "I'm not a princess. My great-grandmother is, I admit, a countess, but I'm just a girl from Appleby."
"Countess?" asked Angela.
"Hungarian countess, small, drafty old castle with ugly historical baggage." said Daphne.
"Daphne's posh" said Tracey.
"Daphne's' quadra-lingual" said Hermione "English, French, German, and I think Hungarian."
"Well and Latin for spells" said Daphne. "Everyone learns Latin and Greek though."
"Would it be a good idea for Tracey to learn Latin and Greek during the summer holidays?" asked Angela.
"Muuum!" said Tracey.
"An excellent idea" said Daphne. "I'll have to work out what and how we're going to teach the children languages. Harry doesn't know a lot of Latin."
"You can wait till they can talk" said Angela mildly.
"How did you end up knowing so many languages?" asked Tracey.
"Well mummy uses French or German or Hungarian as the mood strikes her" said Daphne. "Daddy doesn't speak much Hungarian, but we visited the continent often in summer."
"Magical travel is very fast and quite cheap" added Hermione "As an adult you learn to apparate, which is like teleportation, but it's limited in range, and you don't do it over oceans. Tracey will learn how when she's sixteen."
"Teleporting?" asked Tracey.
"Well, you disappear here and reappear somewhere else" said Daphne. "There's a crack sound – it's the air filling the space you left, or pushing away."
"Is it safe?" asked Angela.
"Safer than driving" said Hermione. "Magical medicine can heal a lot. Well, if you're not outright dead, then with medical attention, you'll pull through."
Daphne lifted one eyebrow at Hermione, who shook her head. Fair enough.
"So is magical medicine on the NHS?" asked Angela.
"Near enough" said Hermione "The main hospital in Britain is nearly free, and the school nurse can do more than a muggle hospital ever could."
"Nearly free?"
"They like donations, they're co-funded by charity events" said Daphne.
"How would we get Tracey there?" asked Angela.
"Well... that's a good point It's easiest to just get the floo connected" said Hermione.
"The what?" asked Angela.
"The easiest magical transport is floo powder." said Daphne "you throw it in a fire, the fire goes green and you step in. The floo network connects fireplaces across Britain, the ministry for magic run it. There's an annual connection fee. You call out the name of the destination fireplace, and off you go. It takes a few seconds to a minute to get anywhere in the network, though you do get a little sooty."
"That's… magic" said Angela.
"And conveniently," said Hermione "The Leaky cauldron? The fireplace there is on the network. People use it to get to Daigon Alley quickly."
"Some stores have their own customer fireplaces" added Daphne. "The other magical places in Britian all have a pub or a shop on the floo network. It was invented in the um, seventeenth century by Ignatia Wildsmith. Very clever witch."
Angela looked around Diagon alley "It looks so old-fashioned, but… you have teleporters."
"Well, yes" said Hermione "but witches live a lot longer, so society changes slower."
"Define a lot?" asked Angela firmly.
"Over a hundred, generally under two hundred. Wizards tend not to live much over a hundred and fifty." said Daphne "Merlin lived to be three hundred, and a wizard called Nicolas Flamel invented a way to live a lot longer, he and his wife lived into their six hundreds."
"Wow" said Angela.
"The Flamels had the… thing destroyed, rather than live any longer. They were tired" said Hermione.
"I feel like I'm in Star Trek" said Angela.
"Well, the green skinned witches are actually Hags, and they're not human. They are carnivorous" said Hermione "They look awful, and our police – they're called Aurors keep the hags from stealing children."
"You're joking" said Angela.
"No" said Daphne "Hags behave these days. Since the statute of secrecy, all magical beings have had to get along in our hidden streets and towns. So, the last three hundred and fifty years or so."
"Except the goblins." said Hermione "They revolt about every century."
"Well yes, but they're goblins" said Daphne "They don't eat children." Daphne added for Tracey's benefit. "They run Gringotts bank, which is basically the only bank in Britain, because almost nobody'd be stupid enough to steal from goblins."
Hermione obligingly blushed.
It was all going quite well until Rita Skeeter and her photographer arrived.
"Daphne Black and Hermione Granger!" said Rita.
"Rita" said Hermione politely "We're having icecream with friends. Take a photo and leave."
"But I couldn't possibly" said Rita grinning ferally "This is the story of the year. Harry Potter's wife and Mistress … I suppose this is his other mistress, and another of his children"
"Is she for real?" asked Angela.
"Rita" said Daphne, suddenly feeling the yawning gulf between the imaginary take-my-photo Celebrity Daphne Black and Daphne. Herself. Daphne who was quite enjoying talking to Angela, and particularly the political possibilities of lying in wait with Granger to… help the muggleborn's parents not be such… suckers. To take a pointy stick and ram it up the bum of the old farts, the traditionalists… the bloody racist twats.
Daphne smiled her best camera smile for the flash.
"Rita, you have a photo. This is Angela Ryan and her daughter Tracey. Tracey's doing her Hogwarts shopping and Hermione and I are giving her a little help." said Daphne "Now you have a story. Now you leave."
Rita smiled and nodded, "But Daphne this is the best interview you've ever given me!" she said.
"Rita, I have two children and a husband waiting for me at home. You are spending time I was going to spend with Angela and Tracey. You are not a friend."
"Rita" said Hermione "Bug off."
Rita paled.
'Rita, darling" said Hermione "current sentencing trends" Hermione looked thoughtful for a moment – merlin her brain was scary – "Are that unregistered Animagi get approximately one week in Azkaban per year unregistered. That's at least… seven weeks. You have thirty seconds before I sent a patronus to Dawlish. Go."
Rita stood up taller and lifted her chin "I won't be bullied, I embody the freedom of the press!"
"Rita, the Black of Black, my husband , you may remember, the boy you used to slander, the one who won the war? That one, thanks to our family businesses doing modestly well has enough galleons to simply imitate the late, unlamented Lucius Malfoy. Donate to causes… like the radical extremists who want to see media outlets forced by law to run retraction on the same page and size as the lies they first printed. That would see you becoming the biggest liability to publishers, since Cornelius Fudge. As my dear friend Hermione just suggested… go. Because I rather suspect that If I was to turn your ears into leeks, my husband would simply say "I see no difference."
Hermione snorted, which rather ruined the delivery of the threat.
Rita started saying something pompous, and Daphne was feeling very irritable – so she lifted her wand and with a snap and flick and a backwards hook – Rita had pair of quite good looking leeks with earrings. She stopped talking and touched her alliums.
"You Cant do this to me! I know people! Secrets!" shouted Rita , clearly unable to hear her own voice.
Hermione waved her wand, and Rita's robe flowed from being acid green crocodile skin to a leek costume. Hermione then tapped a napkin which turned into a pink badge. A pink badge with flashing white writing Daphne peered past her ice-cream bowl. 'Rita Skeeter ,source of leeks". Then Hermione banished it onto Rita's dress.
"Oh my" said Angela. "Isn't this going a bit far?"
"That's wicked" said Tracey.
-==0==-
Harry turned up at the Auror office desk quite promptly, and slapped the desk bell unnecessarily hard. "SHOP" he called out.
Daphne noted he was wearing his good black robe with the dark green trim. And had a wand out.
"Ah… Mr Potter" said the desk sergeant , a fat man with the unfortunate name-tag 'Rotund.'
"Black" said Harry tersely "My name is Harry Black. You are holding my wife and my best friend. You are now releasing them."
Sergeant Rotund sighed "They assaulted Rita Skeeter, turned her, um ears into leeks and her .. custom crocodile skin robes into a leek costume, and stuck a derogatory badge on it."
"That sounds laudable" said Harry "Regardless. I, and more importantly , my twins now require their mother – whom they are being breast-fed by, or in this case, not. Do not make this unnecessarily difficult." He had lifted his chin and was glaring at the sergeant like he was Uncle Corbin at Yule.
"Look, Mr Black, there's forms to fill in, and they need to appear before a judge – at least a hearing"
"No, they don't" said Harry, tiling his head "They are just going to walk out, and you're not going to make a fuss, you know why?"
Office Rotund shook his head.
"Becuase I fucking well died to save you all, and they're two of my favourite people, who have lets be honest, just done what an angry mob should have done years ago." said Harry. Harry walked right up to the front bench, leant forward and motioned the sergeant closer.
"And if making a fuss does not work, I will call Kingsley, and tell him he either does what he's told or I will just take them, and leave a very big mess. I have had to tell my baby daughter that mummy is coming really soon because she's hungry. My daughter and son are not even two months old. They don't know any human words, they just want their mummy. You are going to release them, and Kingsley is going to make this all go away because I have had a very trying day, and I am tired, and my infant children are crying because they want their mummy."
"Parole" squeaked Office Rotund.
"DAWLISH YOU TWAT GET OUT HERE" yelled Harry unnaturally loudly. The room rang, and Daphne wiggled a finger in her ear – that had been wandless but effective.
John Dawlish, head of the DMLE arrived from the hallway behind Daphne.
"Ah, you're here" said Dawlish, in an ingratiating tone.
"Dawlish I've never done this before so lets be very quick – Daphne and Hermione leaving. Rita Skeeter can get stuffed. Daphne deserves a medal for putting up with me, and Hermione already has a fucking order or merlin first class for ending the fucking war. You, on the other hand spent a large chunk of it imperioused and confounded. Open the barrier, pat Rotund on the back, and explain that actually yes, I fucking am untouchable when my babies are crying. They're six weeks, they need their mum, and no your fucking paperwork does not matter. "
Harry lifted his hand and extended his left pinky upwards "Black family head of house ring. Gimme some parchment."
Rotund, remarkably cogently, pushed parchment under Harry's hand. He stamped the signet into the parchment and hissed. There was burning smell, and Harry grabbed the nearest self-inking quill from it's stand, and wrote on the parchment.
"IOU to the Auror office from me – Head of the Black family. Fill in the amount, and do be sensible – my accountant will turn your ears into leeks – she's got form." said Harry.
"Hermione, Daphne ,dear, we are leaving" said Harry, and he went over and opened the flap in the counter, and the door and nobody did anything.
And they walked out of the DMLE, took a lift that everyone jumped out of when Harry stormed over to it, and walked across the atrium to the fireplace and Flooed home to Potter Manor.
Dapnhe apparated immediately to the nursery, where Altiasr and Caph were sucking on bottles, and Missy the house-elf was wringing her hands. Daphne took one look and started unbuttoning her robes.
"Oh Maam, they's been inconsolable" said Missy.
Daphne got both babies on her lap in the nursing chair, and started to feed them.
Harry apparated in with a crack, and hissed something, and the children's hands pressed in her breasts.
"Which was?"
"See, mummy is here" said Harry "Leeks? I do like your style." he added, and bent over and kissed her forehead. "I was prepared to curse if they didn't let you go" he added.
"Oh please… they wanted you to come in and cow them" said Daphne "Dawlish can beg off, complain that Harry Black musckeld in and took the malefactors."
"I'm not sure you and Hermione are a good influence on one another" said Harry, and he knelt to kiss both babies on the heads, which put his face level with her breasts. He looked up and smiled, a genuine smile, with a drop of a tear in each beautiful green eye. "And I think I might be a bad influence on you" he said, giving her breasts a good eyeballing, then standing.
"I'll just go give Hermione a pep talk – she'll be overanalysing everything" said Harry. Perceptively, managing his friends to best effectiveness...after very sexily getting her out of DMLE by writing an IOU that the Goblins wouldn't honour. They'd ruled that account holders that were going to make promissory notes needed to use card impressions instead of signet rings, as the stamps were too slow to look up and read.
"Harry" said Daphne, feeling the tension in her back fading as well, her twins suckled. "The goblins won't honour that IOU".
"Yeah, I read the brochure they mailed out last month" admitted Harry "But it looked cool, and Dawlish is hardly going to go round stamping IOU's on his salary."
He smiled – a pleased, content smile that went all the way to his, unusually coloured eyes. "Back once Hermione's good."
"She won't die if she sees me breast-feeding, Harry" said Daphne. "She visited St Mungos."
"You okay with that?" he asked.
"Yes but walk, I don't want the twins upset" said Daphne. Harry nodded and walked out of the nursery, whistling cheerily. God rest ye merry hippogirffs – and he was practically in key too!
Daphne drew her wand "Expecto Patrounm!" she cast, and her swan appeared, and swam over and billed the twins, who seemed to like the feeling.
Daphne twisted her wand "Go to John Dawlish." half twist "Rita Skeeter is an unlicensed Animagus in the form of a bug. She has been one since at least nineteen ninety-five. Regards, Daphne Black"
The swan nodded its snakelike head, swum off a tiny distance, then flapped its wings, stretched out it's neck and vanished through the wall at speed. Discomfit my children will you, bitch. Enjoy Azkaban.
Harry helped her settle the children, well he hissed at them and they curled up and went to sleep, and he helped her to bed, and got into respectable green pyjamas, put his glasses on his beside table and kissed her hair, and held one of her hands.
"No" said Daphne.
"I just need to hold your hand. It was… it was awful, you didn't come home, then the Aurors called" said Harry. His hand was shaking.
Daphne looked over – he was squinting at her myopically "I was so scared you'd been hurt" he said. Daphne felt… quite protected by the silly man who'd just.. broken them out of DMLE by acting like a Pureblood father from one of her trashy romance novels. He wouldn't have?
"I could get used to being rescued like that" admitted Daphne.
"You'd get an intolerable ego dear." said Harry. "Goodnight."
He really did have his good points, thought Daphne.
-==0==-
Daphne got a letter from Barnaby Cuffe, editor of the Prophet. Mentioning that Rita Skeeter was in trouble with the DMLE and asking what she wanted as press coverage. Daphne lifted one eyebrow.
She picked up a blank parchment, and started to write. Black books was a respectable business. And those silly rumours that she was trying to take over all business in Britain, just the ravings of mindless dead wood. Why take over what you get a percentage from anyway. They were'nt fomenting rebellion with the goblins. They were giving the goblin economy a much-needed chance to restructure. A revolution for the goblins… a chance to have less to do with humans, and make more money. Daphne was in a good mood as she finished the letter. And cheated the vicious little beast, by giving the letter to Missy to put on Salazar.
She wrote another letter to Tracey, inviting her over – Tracey was welcome, and she missed Tracey. Or adult human company of any kind, And had goss about a new, mini-Tracey.
Harry and several helpers finished the ballroom, and Daphne got her husband out, dusted him off and danced. And he still danced quite acceptably, and moreover, still stared at her, even if she was in a dress like a circus tent, and some modest heels.
And that evening, nuzzled her hair and proceeded to erm.. well it was nice.
A few days alter he unexpectedly used a muggle condom – and that was rather tidy, and also, not getting pregnant again. The certainty helped encourage her to have a little of their old passion.
Then Harry proceeded to stimulate her till she clung to the sheets, feeling thoroughly pleased. And he used another one, rather vigorously. She went to sleep with a leg over his hips.
And by the weekend, Harry simply had to go buy another box from the 'chemist' in Hangleton.
-==0==-
Harry finally got back to reading old scrolls, and had apparently found a possibly misfiled medical parseltounge scroll for easing pregnancy and birth. He explained about it to Daphne over dinner.
"You want another child?" asked Daphne.
"An heir for Potter?" asked Harry.
"Not this year" said Daphne, drawing her wand. Harry had his eyes on the wand point. She lifted both eyebrows for emphasis.
Six months later when the condom broke and Daphne vomited a month later, well, he hexed his balls off. They could be reattached.Harry fled to St Mungo's.
Harry talked Daphne into letting him cast the strange Slytherin family spell, which supposedly eliminated morning-sickness. Of course, it was horribly complicated. Daphne hexed him every time she was sick, till he got the spell right. She was not suffering like that again.
Harry finally managed to cast the long flowing parseltounge spell and Daphne blinked, feeling suddenly comfortable. "I feel… less bloaty?" she said, and felt her belly, no tiny bump at all.
As a month went by without a single sick moment, Daphne remarked that this spell would have been a damn good thing to have known when the little angels were being gestated. Harry kissed her hand "Yes dear" he said.
Daphne gave him a sideways look. "This is serious" she said.
"Can we call it Sirius if it's a boy?" asked Harry.
"You would have to be persuasive" said Daphne, with a slight smile.
Harry kissed her elbow "How persuasive are we talking?" he asked. Daphne nodded. The sheets tore.
After four months, and hardly any baby-bump Daphne got some tests done. The confused healer admitted that Daphne was definitely five months pregnant, but not so you'd notice. All the diagnostic charms said her bump was doing quite well, but any attempt to determine gender or… heaven forbid, if it was twins, the spells went haywire.
"Has this space-expanded my insides?" she asked Harry.
"I don't think so," Harry admitted, "I'll write out the spell in English and maybe Hermione can work out the Arithmancy, reverse its operations"
"I have an O in NEWT Arithmancy" said Daphne "Granger has… oh, no NEWTs at all"
"You got an O in Arithmancy?" asked Harry "Isn't it really hard?"
"Do I seem stupid to you?" asked Daphne casually, drawing her wand.
"No, dangerously clever" countered Harry, eying her wand-point.
Daphne couldn't make head or tails of the spell.
She did however decide to apologise for the bollock hexing. Harry's eyebrows went up as she slipped into the parlour in a formal robe – not her wedding dress that wouldn't fit, dammit.
"Husband" she said.
"Are you going somewhere?" asked Harry, looking confused.
Daphne flicked her wand at the door out, closing it.
"I am sorry I hexed you, husband" said Daphne. Harry walked over And held out his hands "Kiss?"
Daphne knelt, and blinked at Harry.
"Oh" said Harry.
"I really want to apologise most thoroughly" said Daphne, and she licked her lips.
Harry called off activities a few hours later. "Bloody hell" he croaked, lying on the couch naked. Daphne felt she could apologise some more. Which might be hormones, possibly.
A day later, Hermione dropped by, had afternoon tea in the snug, chatted about the children, and stared at Daphne's belly then at Harry, who was lying back, hardly moving.
"Drained" said Harry, lips twitching "I feel drained."
Daphne felt herself go a bit red in the face. "It's hormones" she said quickly.
The Healers, at eight months, were concerned. Daphne had hardly more than a tiny bump on her belly. Her breasts were swollen for breast-feeding. Harry manhandled her – rather splendidly, truth be told. She ate like a room full of teenagers and it all went somewhere, but she was hardly pregnant looking.
After being pronounced perfectly healthy, if a mystery, Harry admitted to using a spell from his family library, in parseltounge. The healer was excited "Oh, parseltongue medical spells, how exciting. We have to go to India to see those. We've tried to get one of them to come here. Are you interested in learning medicine, Mr Potter-Black?"
"I'm kind-of busy" admitted Harry, and glanced over into her eyes.
-==0==-
Daphne was having thirds of a delicious lunch; and she had a massive appetite now she was nearly ten months into her Slytherin-spell modified pregnancy when she had what was definitely a contraction. A gentle one, but her legs felt wetter and wetter. She said "Oh."
"What?" asked Harry.
"I just had a contraction" she said. "And… I think my water might have broken."
A clean dress and a trip to St Mungos, Daphne and Harry were crowded by healers.
"It's just, this spell is fascinating. Clearly pregnant but with hardly any symptoms" said a grey-haired female Healer.
"Not big" observed Harry blandly.
Daphne, on the birthing bed, gripped Harry's hand firmly, and felt something slippery happening. There was a slithering sound that continued for a long time.
"Uh, Mrs Black you appear to have given birth to some… snakes?" asked the Healer. WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE HARRY!
Harry left Daphne's side and looked into a wet sheet under Daphne's legs. "Each one needs their own cot" said Harry firmly "Right now." Daphne glared at him, and he utterly ignored her glare, chivvvying the healers into filling five cots with tiny silvery snakes.
Harry hissed something. There was a pop and five small babies cried in unison where snakes had been.
"You turned our child… children into snakes?" asked Daphne. I could kiss you. Well, and a few other things, Mr Slytherin. I've had worse periods.
"The spell eases pregnancy, eliminates morning-sickness, and makes birth relatively painless" said Harry "Salazar Slytherin made is so, of course he used snakes."
"Arse" said Daphne fondly. "Apart from eating like a starved hyena, that was a painless easy pregnancy and well, I've had much worse periods that giving birth to them. One question. Why are there FIVE?"
"Um, snakes that give birth to live young have litters" said a Healer.
"I've had a litter" said Daphne feeling unsurprised – it was the Harry effect. "Never again." She glared at Harry and he nodded philosophically. Their new five children – quintuplets cried.
Daphne agreed that Estelle, Stella for short was acceptable for his second daughter, and Sirius was a grudgingly acceptable name for their youngest boy. The other three; Daphne wanted more thought put into. Harry had not mentioned Albus or Severus or James. Which was just as well. Thought he could probably talk her into James. He could probably talk her into lots of things – just not more children.
Harry kissed his her hand and asked the Healer "I need to be sterilised to prevent further outbreaks of pregnancy. When can I get it done?"
"There's no rush" snapped Daphne. "Right now is fine."
The Healer looked unsurprised.
"Snip Snip" said Daphne, holding two babies "Daddy's off to get fixed, because Mummy's quite fed up with having babies". There was a lot of crying going on.
"Uh, this is sort of important" said Harry to the Healers. They took him off and he came back a little later.
He went back to her side and her forehead "Fixed" he said with a smile. "You know, we've got our own a quidditch team now?"
"We've got as many as the Weasleys had." corrected Daphne "It's a bit embarrassing."
Harry hissed something and the newborns relaxed.
"All Parselmouths?" asked Daphne "I suppose it's not so rare now."
Harry shrugged.
Daphne looked thoughtful "I'm going to sleep. Harry; find names for the other three"
Daphne woke up the next day feeling slightly ill, but she'd had worse periods. Harry arrived a bit later with the children, to see the babies. He kissed her softly on the cheek.
"Oy that's not a proper kiss" she said. Harry kissed her properly, and well, his tongue tasted of mint toothpaste. Harry looked down at her and lifted his eyebrows.
"Seven children" said Daphne "But still… when we get home." And she winked at him. He blushed. Daphne barely resisted laughing. He was getting thanked up and down the bally bedroom.
A day later Daphne accepted graciously that Hesper Lily and Euphemia Roxanne were family names for the other two daughters. Rigel Samuel was an acceptable name for the other boy.
"We don't know birth order for these five" said Daphne, preparing to leave St Mungos.
"We'll just tell them they're third equal with the angels" said Harry.
"You are the only person that call the twins that" said Daphne.
"Cassiopia looks like her mum, that's angelic." said Harry.
Daphne kissed Harry for that, wrapped a hand into his hair, grabbed his hard arse and snogged him properly for a bit.
Daphne murmured in Harry's ear "Later, you're getting a proper thank-you." And she felt his pants twitch.
Harry gazed into her eyes intently "We'll go home, and we'll have our family."
"Harry dear?" asked Daphne "You realise that one day, our daughters will date, and bring home suitors?"
Harry smiled at Daphne, looking dazed, "I'll just ask them to slay a dragon. Nothing unreasonable." Daddy smiled awkwardly. Mummy hissed to daddy "Is he joking?"
Daddy shrugged "I would have if I could have." he replied.
"I'd have asked if a basilisk counts" said Harry. "I fought a dragon as a teenager; I could take one now."
Daphne smiled at Harry and pecked a kiss onto his cheek "If you ever do anything dangerous again, I'll sleep in a different room for a month, and Missy can have a break from nappies."
Harry nodded. Having the twins for two years had given them more common ground.
The next morning at home, Daphne took the time to firstly, cast a charm Harry was not hearing about, and then thank her husband properly for his magical pregnancy spell, and getting sterilised.
"I'm sore, please stop" Harry whined.
"But you like it" said Daphne, pulling her hair behind her ear.
"Twice…. Five times and I'm clear you're pleased." said Harry.
"Oh I'll be pleased later." said Daphne "I think it'll help me sleep."
-==0==-
"Harry!" yelled Daphne "Transfiguring our children into cute fluffy bunnies is not appropriate!"
"It's Easter" said Harry "They're so cute like this."
"Normal parents use costumes" said Daphne, reversing the transfigurations. They had been cute bunnies, but it wasn't right.
That didn't stop her putting on a bunny ear headband later. It was originally a fertility festival, after all.
-==0==-
The quintuplets first birthday was attended by everyone Harry knew, except Ginny Weasley, and everyone Daphne knew, all of her extended family, and friends except Pansy, obviously. And two three-year olds and their five little brothers and sisters. Who all had green eyes, and fortunately mostly had light blonde hair not his birds-nest.
The ballroom made a great venue, Daphne sat the high-backed chair, her children around her, and felt like she might be…. Queen of all she surveyed. Over by the door, Molly Weasley was talking at Harry but he didn't look peeved. He looked handsome, if a little messy from the depredations of the children, and she had… more children than anyone except Mrs Weasley – which seemed for reasons that Daphne never mentioned, to make Harry very happy.
Daphne looked over at the windows where Victoire Weasley was standing looking out like a tiny Veela, and wasn't playing with Teddy. They'd had some falling-out. Daphne sighed softly – she definitely didn't want either of them thinking they were required to marry the other. Caph was over in the corner, on the beanbags with Dominique Weasley, and they were playing cat-cradle. Daphne eyed Caph – who from a distance looked like a mini-Daphne, and wondered why Caph didn't seem to want a pet. Which had her thinking about Buttercup, who was moving slower, and Daphne suspected, she'd have to stop riding her soon. But Buttercup wasn't dying, she was a little old for being ridden around. She craned her neck a little, and couldn't see Altair. He was probably playing elsewhere in the house. On the other hands, Stella and Sirius were cuddled up to her, and the rest of the quints were riding her parents, and Mr Weasley. He seemed to regard playing with her children as a treat. Which it was, except when people were fractious, or Caph monopolised her husband.
Daphne wondered what James and Lily Potter would think of her children. Of her. She could ask Harry to erm, find out, but he seemed prepared to pretend that had all never happened, and hadn't em raised the issue. Pansy had sent a letter in reply to her letter telling her about the party she wasn't inivited to for obvious reasons.
'Well, I'm sure you love being a fat whale.' had really stung. And with the pool and currying Buttercup she'd lost some weight.
Daphne spotted Teddy Lupin waiting for his Uncle Harry. He had his back turned to Victoure Weasley. Hopefully Hogwarts would let them both meet someone else. Fleur didn't want them to have an arranged marriage, and Daphne felt that if Fleur's parents suggested it, she might say something very rude. In German. Mrs Weasley wandered over to see her husband, and her face lit up as she greeted Hesper, easily distinguished by having Harry's messy hair. Daphne had resolved that Hesper would simply be given Sleekezeys for her entire stay at Hogwarts. She would be the mother that mailed parcels. The other six would … well the boys could be touselled looking, but her daughters would not be looking like they just got out of bed. They could save that for their husbands. Daphne saw Caph and winced. Except for Caph, she doubted Caph would erm, find anyone that measured up to her father. Hopefully she'd be like Granger and find an academic, then governmental interest. Caph was already a little manipulator; her big eyes and pout were quite effective on the extended family, though even Daddy was learning not to indulge her every whim. She wasn't raising a Pansy, and any sign of that, and Caph was going to be given to Tweedle the gardener to weed and turn the compost heaps…. And muck out the stables at mummy's… and then learn to ride.
Andromeda patted Harry on the back and said something to him.
"Daphne, have you had a crème biscuit" Harry asked across the room, maybe a bit louder than was appropriate.
"No dear, why are they very good?" asked Daphne, wondering if that was going to be nice.
"George!" called Harry, as Andromeda turned into a very large canary. Oh Merlin.
Harry's wand came out, and George, top hat and all, flew out an open pair of doors into the swimming pool. George climbed out and dripped theatrically, hat still on, then shook himself and his trademark purple suit was dry again. George grinned rather unrepentantly, but a large Canary hopped over and pecked him, and that actually was funny, so Daphne chuckled. When Andromeda could hold a wand again, George would live to regret it.
Over by the drinks table, her staff had congregated, and Hermione, or as the Daily Prophet tended to refer to her, Departmental Under-secretary Hermione Granger, O.M. The staff were drinking the free booze enthusiastically. Hopefully they were not discussing that proposed tax on financial services companies. Rosier was behind it and it only really applied to Black Books.
Mrs Foster said something to Harry, and that drew Daphne's attention.
"Everyone old enough to eat solids" said Harry loudly "Lunch is served in the kitchen."
Mrs Foster said something, and Harry frowned at her and said something negative. Then he looked up and headed towards the quints. Daphne intercepted Harry and wrapped her arms around him and looking up, kissed him "We did this" she said.
"It was a fluke" admitted Harry. "Love you."
"Love you" said Daphne and kissed him. And… well it wasn't like she worshipped the ground he walked on or anything.