XXXX

"Everybody's talking to me

But they just can't explain

Disappeared from all the pages

And nothing seems the same…

…You were golden and I was blind

Now it's like we've never met…"

-Neko Case

XXXX

The darkness was stifling. Unnerving. I had no idea how long I had been sitting in the dark, on the ground. If I looked left there was a golden glow, looking to the right was blackness.

It seemed obvious what each direction represented. I wasn't that out of it. And eventually I'd have to stand up and walk in a specific direction. I just didn't know what I'd choose.

I was alone for once. No one to help me through this.

As soon as Johnny had hit the machine something had snapped inside of me. My headache was gone as was my stomach pain. Yet, I didn't think this was a good sign.

Pain, as I was slowly realizing, was a good thing. It meant you were still alive.

I groaned and stood up. I really was tired but I couldn't stop here. It was too lonely. So I turned to the left and began the long trudge down the narrow passageway.

When I came out on the other side I was back in Windrixville. I was in the church, the sandy gravel crunching beneath my feet. Cigarette butts littered the pews. Nausea welled up inside me as I saw a coffin sitting up ahead.

Lights flickered on, cutting out and then emitting a soft, candle-like glow over the church. Weakly, I pulled myself into a pew and sat for five minutes, remembering Regina and Jimmy Logan, remembering Vietnam, Crock and Shep, my brothers, Slim and most importantly, remembering Dally and Johnny.

I sighed and pulled myself out of the pew and approached the coffin. I rested my shaky hands on top of the smooth oak.

An inscription was engraved on the front of the coffin. Peering at it in the dusky light it read simply: "Choose."

The word held many meanings. Choose this life or that. Choose to remember or forget…choose to fight or die…

Choose…

My mouth was dry as I ran my palms down the edge of the coffin and gripped the lid. I didn't think I could open it…too many terrible visions kept flooding my mind…

Would it be Darry? Soda? Steve? Two-Bit?

As I swung the lid open, I saw with relief that it was…myself. "Thank god," was all I managed to say.

This I could handle.

I stared at myself in that box, wishing I could go back, willing the pain to come again.

And boy, when it came, it hit me hard.

My stomach tightened in a vise as my mouth formed an 'O' and my knees crumpled. I fell to the earth and moaned. And I coughed and coughed until blood began hitting the dust and the rocks.

Rolling over on my back, I shut my eyes and waited, hating to go through this alone but knowing I had to. I had to hold on.

Then as my vision became hazy and everything turned gray I heard my mother's voice say, as clearly as Soda's would have: "Ponyboy, honey, don't be afraid. Just relax…"

I relaxed. I stopped fighting and let the pain hit me in waves. Everything turned dark and my eyes fluttered against the dimming goldness of the church.

And my last thought before I left this world was: "Is this all a dream?"

But I knew it wasn't.

XXXX

Very hot.

I tossed and turned and threw my covers off. I was burning up. I was dying.

An image of Dally laughing flashed before me and I groaned, my voice a near wail. It hurt badly.

"We need to get his temperature down. Now," a harried voice said. Coolness enveloped me as someone wiped a rag on my sweaty face.

I was between here and there, semi-conscious, trying to pull back, but not wanting to.

Either that or I couldn't.

I wasn't strong enough.

"That's not working," someone said curtly.

Unexpectedly, strong arms swept me up and I was hit with freezing water. I sank into the ice and before I could make sense of anything, I went limp, blacking out.

XXXX

When my eyes opened next everything was dim. Colors, voices. I tried to move but couldn't. I didn't have the strength.

Soda sat sleeping next to me in a chair, dark circles shaded his eyes and I briefly wondered how long I had been out of it. His hand lay across my bed, a copy of "Gone With the Wind" on his lap.

I licked my dry lips. "Soda," I whispered. "Soda."

He didn't stir, apparently needing his sleep. I yawned and before I could say anything else drifted off again.

XXXX

A very worried face peered down at me. Strong hands smoothed my hair back and then Soda was saying, "Ponyboy? Can you hear me, honey?"

I blinked once, objects and people coming into focus. But once again, it was the same dreary, gray focus. Darry stood behind Sodapop, hands in his jeans pockets.

My mouth moved but nothing came out, I was still too hot.

God, what did they have the heater turned on to in here?

"Am I dying?" I croaked aloud, more to myself than to the random people in the room. Faces blurred and I wasn't sure I knew who I was talking to.

A sharp intake of breath told me I had said the wrong thing. "Don't talk like that Ponyboy," Darry said in a strained voice. "You have an infection, now lay still and relax. Please be quiet."

I wanted to laugh at him, these random people giving me orders. And I did just that. I laughed and I laughed until a nurse came and stuck a needle in my arm. That quieted me down for sure.

I hated needles.

XXXX

The next time I came around, I could focus. I wasn't fully focused but at least I wasn't spouting gibberish.

"Hey," I said in quiet shock to the person next to me.

Shakes jumped, nearly falling out of his chair. "Oh, Jesus! You're awake. Jesus…" he stammered. "I'll get the doctor, hold on, just-"

"Shakes, don't," I told him. "I'm sick of doctors."

He sank back into his chair, looking at me warily. Shakes stuck his hand out and felt my forehead. "Well," he said with resignation, "you're not that warm…"

I stared at my friend and then turned my gaze up to the ceiling. "Shakes, I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Vietnam…I didn't know how and I-"

"Goddammit Ponyboy," Shakes said, half-appalled and half-angry. "Do you think that matters anymore? I didn't know what to do when I got the call that my best friend was in the hospital, bleeding out…" He took a shaky breath. "Well…let's just say I'm over it."

I smiled at the crooked ceiling and then I asked, "What happened?"

At his frightened expression I added, "I mean after the tornado. I remember what happened before." How could I forget?

Shakes cleared his throat and sank back into his chair. "When you were in surgery another tornado hit Tulsa. The power went out. All over town. The transfusion wouldn't go through…machines, everything went haywire. You were losing blood too fast. But you pulled through," Shakes said in an amazed tone. "A lot of people didn't."

I bit my lip, feeling instantly guilty.

Shakes, seeming to know what I was thinking, shook his head. "You are still sick, if that makes you feel any better. You've been fighting a fever ever since. The doc said your brain was gonna fry."

Shakes smiled. "Darry finally dumped you in a bathtub full of ice. You screamed and screamed but it got your fever down."

"Where are Darry and Soda?" I asked, beginning to feel dreamy again. It was as if, no matter how I tried, I kept sinking back down. I was sleepy.

"Darry's at work, Pone. And Soda…well Soda's real bad off…."

Shakes stopped, seeing that I was too upset to hear about Sodapop and then stared at me with serious eyes. "You were lucky this time. Real lucky."

I met his brown eyes with my glassy green ones and replied, "I'm lucky every time."

I wanted to thank Shakes. Thank him for being a great friend and a great narrator to boot. But I couldn't. My lids went heavy and I fell asleep.

XXXX

It took me a long time to come around. When I did, I was miserable. A few days later, I awoke, upset and alone. The room was deserted. It was night.

The vague conversations I had had with Shakes and Soda and Darry overwhelmed me. I couldn't shake the feeling of panic, of desperation. Saying goodbye to Dally and Johnny was beginning to hit me…somehow it was worse the second time around.

I knew I'd never see them again.

Would I see anyone ever again? Had everyone left me alone to fend for myself? Were they sick of my problems…myself? Irrational thoughts pounded my brain as I tried to convince myself not to worry.

It was hard to breathe as I pulled myself up on my elbows, my heart pounding in my chest. With great effort, I swung my legs over the edge of my bed, ignoring the pain in my side, ignoring the fact that this was beginning to mirror the last dream involving Johnny and Dally I had had a while ago.

My bare feet touched the cold tile. The coolness felt so good. I wanted to go home and find my brothers. On shaky legs, I padded across the tile and popped open a window, letting the chilly night air blow into the room.

I barely heard the creak of the door open and Darry exclaim in a voice that was struggling not to yell out in alarm, "Ponyboy. You shouldn't be up."

He crossed the room in three strides and led me back to bed. Darry tucked the blankets around my legs as if they'd keep me from escaping again.

"Darry. It's ok. I feel better." I said hollowly, knowing I didn't sound at all like myself. But I didn't feel better. I felt like shit. All of a sudden, I wanted to be in that black place again...alone.

My brother looked at me with doubt and worry. He felt my clammy forehead. "No. Your fever's not all the way down yet," he said sternly. "You're not supposed to overexert yourself-" Darry stopped himself and asked softly, "Pony, what's wrong?"

"Nothing." I swiped at my eyes, wishing I could disappear. "Everything." I rolled over on my side, away from my brother and clamped my eyes and mouth shut. I didn't trust myself to speak.

Darry did instead, feeling the need to fill the silence almost desperately. "You've been out for about a week or so. Kiddo…god, you have no idea how glad…"

He broke off as I began to cry. The sobs racked my body, three years worth of grief overflowing. Finally breaking for my parents, for Johnny and Dallas, even for Jimmy Logan and Slim.

XXXX

Perhaps cheesy…perhaps not…it just felt right. Since I updated twice tonight…please leave twice the reviews.

Sweet!

Thanks for reading!!

I suppose I am getting ready to end this in a few chapters, I don't want it to get too long or drawn out….any suggestions before I bite the bullet?

Thanks!