Melee Academy of Higher Learning for Boys
Year Three
-Nine-
"I hate coming here," Link said as he slid the door to room 406 open, Roy close behind. "We have a psycho for a teacher, for starters."
"Exactly why most people don't take German," Roy alleged as they took seats near the back. It wasn't like it mattered where they sat – they wouldn't be able to escape from Schuldig, anyway. Though the students didn't somehow notice (or bother to hazard a guess) that Schuldig was a telepath. A masochist-sadistic telepath who could make the burliest of Fourth Years cry, all because he missed one homework assignment.
Such incidents, however, quickly spread around the school; Tabuu managed to find out, and thusly docked a week's pay in damages from Schuldig's nice-sized paycheck. The red haired assassin, however, didn't care. In fact, he didn't care much about anything, really. And that was the reason why most students didn't take German – they feared the man who taught it.
More students gradually spilled into the room, and once they saw their assassin-teacher sitting at his desk, they immediately halted their conversations and processed into the room in silence. Schuldig pretended to not notice them at all, though it was hard since he could hear every last thought.
It's truly amazing I haven't gone nuts yet, he thought as he relished the looks of fear he was given.
"Why are we here, anyway?" one kid asked, a 'super senior' with Third Year credits who cut half of his classes anyway. He'd probably end up dropping out, if he wasn't given the boot before then by Tabuu. The Melee Academy of Higher Learning for Boys was known for its high academic standards – this was because they got rid of all the stupid or lazy kids who wouldn't make it anywhere in life. And this kid would probably end up in that statistic on the pie chart.
Schuldig glanced in the kid's direction and nudged a manila folder with his boot tip. "Your new schedules," he replied. "Stephenie, hand these out."
Stephenie scowled as she reluctantly closed her DS and removed herself from her seat. Stuffing the pink handheld in her pocket, she approached the desk, grabbed and opened the envelope, and stared at the packet of schedules. She took hers and stuffed it in her pocket before beginning.
"Addam Liardo, Lloyd Lohandor, Philippe Llellado...," she said in a monotone. The aforementioned stood and walked zombie-like to the front of the room to receive their schedules.
"Link Mekkai, Remus Mendez, Martin Thomas Moran…"
Link nearly tripped over himself as he left his desk, Remus somehow bumped into a wall (and was therefore going the wrong way to begin with – he was the 'super senior'), and Martin's pants came undone due to Addam Liardo's prank (the world didn't really need to know Martin wore Spongebob Squarepants boxers).
"Roy Pherae and George Washington Bush Laurent Neo Pash Phinneas."
Since Roy didn't have anyone around him aside from Link, he had no one to trip over or undo his pants. He got up gracefully and received his schedule like one would their diploma.
"Say, Link," Roy said as he sat back down, "what's your schedule?"
Link handed his over to Roy and crossed his arms. "Completely different. Figures."
Link's schedule was as follows:
Zero period: Band (which Link rarely showed up for)
First period: PE/Chemistry
First period: Chemistry Lab (Mondays only)
"Hey, you have the same lab as I do," Roy remarked.
"That's one class I don't have to worry about, then."
Roy continued reading.
Second period: Chemistry 3
Third period: Hylian 2
Fourth period: Chorus
Fifth period: Japanese 3
"I thought you gave Japanese up?"
Link shrugged. "My counselor said I couldn't. I have to finish out the year, unfortunately."
Sixth period: AP Language and Composition
Seventh period: History – Foreign Cultures II
Eighth period: Geometry 2
"Your schedule sucks," Roy stated. "And where's your Integrated Maths class?"
Link shrugged once more as others in the room whispered discontentedly about their schedules.
"I guess because I passed the class with an A plus, I got out of remediation…?"
Roy handed Link back his schedule.
"Mr. Schuldig, sir?" another kid called as he raised his hand.
"I have no clue how long we're here for," Schuldig answered nonchalantly. "Too long, probably."
Another Kid was very scared. It's like he can read my thoughts!
"What was your first clue, kid?"
Another Kid screamed and promptly knocked himself out with his own book bag.
Like everything else, no one witnessed what had just happened.
"Did you just cause Another Kid to bash his skull in?" Philippe asked as his mouth gaped in horror. Maybe he was the only witness to the kid's apparent suicide attempt.
Schuldig gave the creepiest grin ever. "And if I did…?"
Philippe said nothing.
"Look, kid." Schuldig removed his feet from the desk top and sat up straight in his chair. "I am an assassin. I kill people when they piss me off. I can easily turn someone's brain to mush. Don't question me or you'll end up like that kid with the bashed in skull. Verstehen mich?"
Judging from the blank stare Schuldig received from Philippe, he hadn't understood him at all.
"Du Leute enttäuschen mich."
"Hey, I know what that means!" Addam shouted as he nearly up-ended the desk. "It means 'you people disappoint me'!"
"Do you want a medal or something, boy?" Schuldig asked, resuming his position from earlier.
Addam thought about it for a moment. "Well, yeah, it'd be nice—"
"I was being sarcastic."
Link banged his forehead against his desk. "Is this period over yet? I want out before I commit seppuku with my schedule."
Roy gave Link a look. "How'd you manage that?"
Link looked up at his red haired companion. "Easy. I'd cut my carotid with it by inflicting a paper cut."
Roy wasn't even going to let Link know he couldn't die from a paper cut on his neck. Link just wouldn't understand.
-x-
"Midterms – over, semester – over… New schedule – get!"
Roy had no idea what made Link so hyper, but whatever it was, he wanted Link to share the stash. Roy shuffled dejectedly to the first period class he now shared with Link. In fact, he shared most of his classes with him; he noticed this when they swapped schedules to compare earlier.
"So is today a full day or a half?" Link asked, his nose still immersed in his new schedule. Since it was the first Saturday of the month, it was a half day. Link had been in the school for four years (twice as a First Year, once as a Second Year, and then his Third Year) and still didn't know how things worked.
"First Saturday and last Saturday of the month are halfs, Link," said Roy as they went down the back staircase to the gymnasium.
"I wonder what we're doing in gym…"
Roy shrugged. "My guess is sex ed."
Link snorted. "Like any of us need that, that's what Google and Wikipedia are for!"
They entered the gym and bumped into Ike; Link's eyes lit up when he came across his boyfriend.
"Hey," Ike said coolly as he wrapped his arm around the Hero of Time. Link pecked Ike on the cheek before saying, "What's your schedule, Ikey?"
So much for a simple 'hello' or 'Hi, how are you?'
"PE, English, study, lunch, art, Japanese, and some typing class they stuck me in," Ike answered.
Link pouted. "Aww, you're not in any of my classes."
Ike made a gesture that could basically be read as 'not my problem'. "Third and Fourth Years usually don't. But that's okay – we'll still see each other."
"Providing you don't forget to wait for me after school," Link said, and Ike ruffled his hair.
"I won't. Marth'll remind me."
Since when were you and Marth so friendly? Link wondered as they moved away from the doorway.
"Miss Aran's class over here!" one of the gym teachers yelled, gesturing to section L.
"Falcon's class over here!" Mr. Falcon called, and Ike gave a hasty kiss goodbye. "I'll see you – Falcon'll have a fit if I'm not there for his roll call."
Link barely had time to kiss him back. "Bye." He watched Ike's retreating back.
"Hey, Link," Roy called.
"Mm?" Link turned his head towards Roy's voice.
"Think we should head over to wherever Sonic's class goes?" Roy watched as students crowded the bleacher steps.
Link's mouth pressed into a thin line. "Makes sense to, doesn't it?"
And so they went to section J, where Mr. Hedgehog's class was congregated.
-x-
Link nearly died from the hike to the fourth floor all the way from the gym. And just to be an extra pain in the rear, he took the wrong staircase and ended up on the other side of the floor from his class. Sighing and realising that, gee, that wasn't such a good idea to do when one was nearly hyperventilating, he trudged on regardless and made his way around the floor to get to room 404. On his way, he saw Roy emerge from the correct staircase – the one across from their classroom – and scowled. Roy didn't have to climb up five long staircases and walk around in almost a complete circle whilst hyperventilating.
"Can you believe we're gonna start Sex Ed on Tuesday?" Link asked when he and Roy entered the room together at the same time. Surprisingly, there was no collision or either of them getting stuck in the doorway.
"No, not really," Roy answered. "It's probably going to be all about abstinence anyway, how sex is bad for you, despite the fact that probably half of the school's done it at least once…"
Link tapped his chin. "Maybe you could teach the class about sex or something. You know, always wear a condom and use lube… Stuff like that."
They stopped short of their table and Roy gave Link a glare from the corner of his eye. "Can you honestly picture Marth going to the local CVS to buy condoms? He'd rather be caught in a lingerie store."
Link blinked. "So you guys don't…?"
Standing in the front of the room was someone completely unexpected, and Roy nearly had a heart attack. Well, for what it was worth, their substitute teacher nearly had a brain aneurysm, which would be twice as bad as a heart attack.
"Marth? What are you doing here?" Roy was almost the colour of his hair. Tell me you weren't paying attention to our conversation just now.
Marth gave Roy a look that said 'why were you discussing our sex life just now?' Roy got even more flushed.
"I'd like to know the same thing." Marth gracefully sat down right in front of the computer.
Link and Roy dumped their bags by their usual seats and stood there right next to the stools.
"This is my class," Roy answered as he pointed to the floor. "I come here every single day, second period. Except Mondays where you have us for first too, 'cause that's our lab day."
Marth rifled through some papers to find his class list. Lo and behold, right there, near the end, were Roy's and Link's names. He even highlighted them and hoped Tabuu wouldn't give him that list.
"…Right." I switched out of Japanese so I wouldn't have to teach him and be distracted. Here I am in Chemistry and I have the same problem. He sighed.
Roy finally decided he could sit down, and did so. Link, however, remained standing. He was weird like that.
"So where's Bowser, then?"
Marth shrugged. "I have no clue. You think Tabuu actually tells us anything?" He then looked at the computer and saw twelve new messages in his school email account. "He tells us anything that isn't important."
"Like what?" Roy asked with genuine curiosity.
Marth clicked on his inbox link and quickly browsed through the email subjects. "Like to wash our hands after using the restrooms, to not smack students with rulers, to not steal other people's lunches… Stupid things. He's never used email before, so I guess he's going a bit crazy with it. He's never once even given out what the Code Yellow and Code Red procedures are, so if someone dangerous is in the building, I'd have no clue what to do short of retrieving Falchion…"
Someone entered the room at that moment, long enough to hear the tail-end of Marth's remark, and said, "But Mr. Low-uhl, you can't have weapons on the premises!"
Marth drummed his fingers against the desk as he waited for the dial-up connection to not suck too much.
"I can have a sword that has a blade of about this long—" he gestured with his hands at Falchion's blade length; his left hand rested at his belt, his right hand rested somewhere near his chin. "—and that's not really all that big. That's only around twenty six inches." Marth was going to also ignore the mispronunciation of his last name, but it irked him, so he added, "And it's loh-ell, thank you."
"Most people say low-uhl," someone – whose name was actually Mark Scheptockie – said. "Potato, potahto."
Marth gave him a look, this time it said 'it is most certainly not potato, potahto, you moron'. "No. I don't care what most people say. That's not how my family pronounces it. All the way back to Anri, it was – and always will be – loh-ell. Most people say your name is sh-ep-tock-ee-eh, but that's not what you say, is it?"
Whilst Marth was having a debate on how Lowell was pronounced (and Marth had a point: if he pronounced it loh-ell, then it was loh-ell, because in Altean, that's just how the letters worked), more students filed into the class, the late bell rang, and Link managed to almost concuss himself on the lab table somehow. Since no one was paying any attention, no one was witness to Link's clumsiness. (Either that or they had become desensitized to it since, well, Link was just naturally like that.)
"Where the fuck is Mr. Koopa?" one of the students asked as they unceremoniously fell onto their seat. "Why do we have some fag teaching us?"
No one said a word, and it seemed like time had stopped then. Very slowly, half of the classroom faced the kid, glowering in his precise direction.
"Excuse me? 'Some fag'?"
"What the hell is your problem?"
"Do you realise how offensive that is? You should be ashamed!"
Marth ignored the total anarchy that ensued due to one student's utter asshat-ness. He would have clobbered that student over the head with a blunt object, but that would not have been a good example to set.
Once things began to settle down (and Asshat was beaten into a submission of sorts), Marth started the lesson.
"Mr. Koopa will not be in for the rest of the year due to thinking his career choice over," the Altean prince explained, not giving the exact words Bowser used. (Bowser's resignation note said, "Screw you and the 'pwecious' children – I'm going back to kidnapping princesses for a living.")
Asshat booed. "So we have some princess for a sub, then?"
The poor student barely dodged the expo marker meant for between his eyes.
Marth somehow kept his composure the entire time, leading everyone to believe some phantom had come and thrown it instead of the calm and collected prince-king before them.
"See, Asshat, look what you did!" one of his classmates shouted. "You made the Nintendo Gods angry!"
Link shook his head in disgust. "How dare you anger Shigeru Miyamoto?! He'll smite thee with lightning and possibly cause a flood!"
"And the skies will turn blood red!" another kid added. "And Koji Kondo, the God of Music, will be playing your funeral march."
Asshat thought the whole world had gone insane. Marth thought the same thing.
Perhaps I should have just listened to Roy and left here.
-x-
After dealing with a class in which Asshat McHattery was sacrificed to appease the Nintendo Gods (and Marth trying to actually find Falchion so he could commit ritual suicide a la the samurai), Link was relieved to find his Hylian 2 class quiet and not full of weirdos.
"Today, class," Sheik announced after he teleported via Deku Nut into the class, "we will be going over suffixes. Who can tell me what a suffix is?"
Link raised his hand.
"Yes, Link?"
Link cleared his throat. "It's a word that comes after a word."
Sheik smiled, though no one could see it. "Yes, exactly. So these are name suffixes, or honourifics, I guess you could call them. If anyone takes Japanese, they'd know what I was talking about."
No one except Link understood, but that was okay; the only reason Link understood was because he was fluent in Hylian.
"So let's get the rules out of the way." Sheik began writing on the board in Hylian script. "There aren't many rules to follow at all, really, since not a lot of the name suffixes are gender-dependant. It's when it is that you have to be careful, and you always attach them to a name with a dash, like this." Sheik demonstrated on the board.
"What's that say, Mr. Harkinian?"
Sheik mentally slapped himself in disbelief. "Do you know your Hylian script, Youhan?"
Youhan shook his head. Sheik nearly slapped himself for real.
"Well then that's why," Sheik said through grit teeth. "Maybe you shouldn't be in this class."
Youhan said nothing further.
"Anyway, this example says Zelda-tay, which is what you would use to address someone of high respect, like your elders, teachers, royalty…"
"So we would call you Harkinian-tay?"
Everyone else in the room released a collective sigh of annoyance.
This is going to be a long forty five minutes, Sheik thought. "Yes, you would. And should, really."
So Sheik wrote the rest of the name suffixes on the board for them to copy. Link was the only one who didn't, reason being he didn't need to.
"So your fellow classmates would use sein since it means 'someone who is the same age'. You can use it for someone who's a little older or younger than you, but not by more than a year."
There was a knock on the doorframe, and a boy appeared in the door. He was around Young Link's age, maybe a bit older. In fact, it looked a lot like Young Link.
"Estat," the newcomer mumbled, excusing himself.
"Ooh, a newcomer," someone mocked, obviously thinking he was superior in intellect or some such nonsense. "And he knows Hylian."
The kid who looked like Young Link rolled his eyes. "Foo penzen yan foo ter si futacht?"
"Are you mocking my intellect?" the superior-feeling student asked, affronted. "My name is Steve fucking Machintosh, okay? And I know everything there is to know—"
"I don't think you know more than someone fluent in Hylian, dumbarse," the Young Link lookalike spat.
No one said anything to that.
"All right, enough," Sheik said. "I'm getting a blaring headache listening to the argument. Come up here and introduce yourself."
The newcomer came up to the front of the class and stood casually. "Link je dielja. Miare nin sin."
"You call that an introduction?" Steve Machintosh asked as he stood angrily from his chair. "Who the hell just gives a first name? And that 'nice to meet you' was tacked on for tact, wasn't it? Wasn't it?"
Whilst Steve was having a heart attack over a simple introduction, someone else asked, "Hey, your name is the same as that kid's!" whilst pointing over to Link, sitting all the way in the back.
The other Link didn't look surprised. "Well duh," he said. "He's my older self."
"…Older self?" Steve's brain was on its way to self-destructing.
"Yeah, by three or so years," Young Link replied nonchalantly.
All eyes (except Sheik's) were on Link now.
"It's too long to explain," was all Link could think of to say.
-x-
"I hope your day was better than mine," Link said when he saw Roy enter the Chorus room, lunch in hand.
"Why? What happened?" Roy slid onto his seat with ease. "Aside from the blood sacrifice to the Nintendo Gods."
Some nondescript student by the name of Wilde Woode drummed his pencil against the desk. "I hope the teacher who condoned that gets fired, put in jail, and assraped by a guy named Bubba."
There went Roy's pasta. Wilde Woode had to wipe marinara sauce from his eyes so he wasn't blinded; Link had to restrain his best friend from knocking Wilde's head clean off his shoulders.
"Roland be damned if I find you in an empty corridor somewhere!" Roy threatened as Wilde cowered like a pansy. "If I had the Fuuin no Tsurugi, your body would be charred beyond recognition."
"Roy, calm the heck down!" Link said as Roy flailed in his grasp. He managed to close his legs just in time, otherwise he would've been on the ground, Wilde would have been dead, and Roy would've been thrown in jail.
"This is just not anyone's day here," Link said when Roy's homicidal urge dissipated.
"You're telling me," Roy said as he glared daggers at Wilde. "What's with everyone banging on Marth now, anyway? The hell'd he do to anyone?"
Link blinked. "Roy, perhaps 'banging on' is not a good choice of words to use…"
"They're probably trying to do that, too."
Link winced. "Terry again?"
Roy shook his head. "No."
Link folded. "Tell me, then, so I can help kick their butt."
Roy just stared at Link, looked like he was about to spill, and backed down at the last minute.
"You look like a Zora doing that," Link observed. "Just tell me. I probably don't know them, anyway."
"…I wouldn't say that, exactly."
Link's brow furrowed. "It's not Ike, is it? Because if it is, I will kill him with my own hands."
Roy shook his head. "No, it's not Ike."
"Then who?"
Zelda walked into her office, happier than Link and Roy had seen her in months.
"Wonder what she's so happy about?" Link asked, and Roy scowled. It was then Link realised something.
"…Oh, she doesn't. Tell me she doesn't."
Roy said nothing.
"…Shit, Roy. You're not kidding. That silence says all."
Roy nodded once as he looked at the blue carpeting.
"I suspected it for a while, but that just says all, really."
"She's banging Marth?"
Roy gave Link a glare. "What?"
Roy's reaction meant that Link was wrong about where he was going.
"What the hell does she have to do with Marth?" Roy asked. "She's in love with Pit. No. It's someone else."
Link's look of concern turned to bitterness as he watched Zelda twirl about the room. "So I really wasn't good enough for her, then. She goes after a friggin' angel because she'd rather marry someone who'll only hurt her in the end by saying 'No,' than someone who really loves her."
"…You never got over it, then," Roy remarked.
Link folded his arms on top of his desk and grimaced. "No. I haven't. She hurt me by cheating on me with Ike, so I got her right back."
Roy was bothered by this latest development now. This was the second time someone was actively trying to take Marth away from him. And this time, Roy was actually worrying.
"…How did you find this out?" Link asked, turning away from the happy-go-lucky princess and back to his friend.
"… …Well, Marth got a letter from someone."
Link leaned in closer. "And?" He slurped at his slushie through a straw.
"Whoever it was didn't know Marth was committed to anyone, because they asked for his hand."
Link shrieked. "Oh Farore, what would someone want with Marth's hand?! Is there a Jack the Ripper-esque guy floating around somewhere?" His eyes glanced about the room.
Roy covered Link's mouth. "No, not like that! They wanted his hand in marriage."
Link stopped screaming and pushed Roy's hand off his mouth. "S-So then… That's it? Pfft. Marth can just throw that in the garbage. Ike gets those all the time – he ignores them."
But Roy shook his head. "The letter said that, if he won't comply, he'll steal something important to him."
Link cocked his head to the side. "I just got déjà vu here."
"Déjà vu?"
"Yeah, like I've seen this before."
Roy leaned closer. "You mean like…" He was whispering now, like someone conspiring against the government.
"A vision? Naw. I don't have those anymore." Link waved his hand dismissively. "It just reminds me of something I saw in an anime once."
Roy pulled away and nearly fell backwards in his seat.
"What?"
The red head regained his balance. "…Well, how'd it turn out in the anime you watched?"
Link scratched his head as he tried to remember. "Uhm… This bandit guy burst through the window and kidnapped the main guy's best friend – the 'precious treasure' – and ran off. So the main guy and his other best friend ran after, weird things happened, there was a fight scene, and the main guy's treasure was freed."
Roy had a blank look on his face. "…That sounds like something from an RPG."
They sat in silence for a bit.
"So is Marth going to get married a second time, then?"
Roy wanted to slug Link. "No."
Link tapped his chin at that answer. "So then he's willing to have his precious possession stolen?"
Roy shrugged. "He probably figures it's an empty threat. I told him to be careful."
"And what'd he say in response to that?"
Sighing, Roy repeated what Marth said earlier, complete with his best impression of his boyfriend. "'My diadem cannot be removed from my head, so there's no concern.' I guess the letter meant material possessions."
Little did any of them know that that was definitely not what the letter meant, as they would soon find out.
-x-
The hellish school day was finally coming to an end. Link and Ike were against the front gate, Link snuggled contentedly in Ike's muscular arms, waiting with Roy. Roy was removed from them and instead sat on the steps. He was bored, and if Marth took any longer, he'd have to get his homework out, or do something productive.
At last, Marth emerged from the front doors. Roy got up and wrapped his arms around Marth's neck before giving him a kiss.
"I guess you missed me?" Marth asked as Roy pushed him against the brick of the school. Roy was too busy sucking on Marth's neck to respond.
"Roy…" Marth gently pushed him away. "Not in public, please."
Roy snuck in one more kiss before he pulled away, instead lacing his fingers with Marth's.
"I hope your day was better than ours," Link said when Marth and Roy came down the stairs.
"I don't think anything could be worse than human sacrifice," Marth said, wincing at the memory. "Or that weird letter I received."
Link snorted. "Well, let me tell you about my day, then."
"Why not just write in your Livejournal about it, Link, and we'll read it then?" Roy said, admiring the nice day. Sure, there was snow on the ground from a flurry earlier, and it was a little colder, but the sun was shining, and spring would be around soon.
"I could do that," Link said. "But you have to promise to comment on it. Otherwise I won't know if you read it."
Ten minutes of Link headbanging to music on his Nintenpod and Marth and Roy walking far behind him, they finally arrived at The Manse, more tired than they had ever felt in their lives. Marth and Roy immediately went up to their room; Link and Ike stayed downstairs to get something to eat and perhaps watch some television.
-x-
Roy stifled a yawn as Marth went around collecting all the dirty clothes on the floor. Throwing them in the hamper, he sat on the bed and rested his head on the pillow.
"I think I'll take Bowser's advice," he said suddenly.
"And what was that?" asked Roy, who was working on a paper for English.
"Put in my resignation slip and leave before I lose my mind."
Roy saved his English essay and logged off the computer. He turned the monitor off to conserve some energy and plopped down on the bed next to his lover.
"My back hurts," Roy said. "I must've sat in some weird position for too long or something."
"You want a massage?"
Roy stared at Marth. "We all know what that's gonna lead to."
Marth kissed Roy softly. "That's why I offered. Some people vent their frustrations through sex."
Roy let Marth stay on top of him for once. "If we did that, we'd never have time for anything else."
Marth smirked. "Like you'd mind all that much."
Roy shut Marth up by sticking his tongue in his mouth. In fact, Marth couldn't speak for the rest of the night because of Roy. Nothing coherent, anyway.