Melee Academy of Higher Learning for Boys
Year Three
-Ten-
"Good morning, sleep heads!" Link chirped as he once again barged into Marth and Roy's room. The light from the hallway behind Link filtered through the otherwise darkened room. Marth kept the blinds shut for 'privacy issues', though the windows were high enough on the wall that onlookers from the street would see maybe his head and just a little below that. Certainly not enough for anything to be visible that shouldn't be.
"You forgot to lock the door again, didn't you," Roy murmured to his half-asleep boyfriend after he turned onto his side.
"Must've slipped my mind."
Link stood there in the doorway, waiting with his hands on his hips. "C'mon, lazy people. The sun's a-shining, the wind's a-blowing, and it's a-flurrying."
Marth tried to smother himself with his pillow. "If he adds 'a' to the beginning of another word, I'm going to asphyxiate myself."
"Oh, and Link?" Roy rubbed the sleep from his eyes as he rose up on the bed, and scratched in between his shoulder blades through his tank top.
"Yes?" That grin of Link's was a bit frightening. Just a little. If you woke up to that grin, you'd assume you were in a nightmare of sorts.
"It's 'sleepy heads', not…whatever you said."
"'Sleep heads'," Marth reminded him. "It sounds like…fish heads."
Link shrugged and decided 'sleep heads' sounded better than its grammatically correct version.
"Gods, what time is it?" Roy had his head in his hands – his eyes hurt from the overhead light Link decided to turn on. After all, the hallway light wasn't capable of lighting all of the rooms. Just the hallway. Because Master Hand didn't like using the expensive, ultra-bright, fluorescent light-bulbs. Those were capable of lighting the entire Manse with just one light-bulb.
Link looked at the alarm clock placed on the night table. "It's almost seven."
Roy shot out off the bed like it spontaneously combust. "What?"
Link didn't see the problem. "Seven in the morning on February the fourteenth, two thousand and nine, the year of our Nintendo Gods."
Roy scrambled about the room; all the while Link meandered over to the full-size bed (which was really just Marth's and Roy's twin beds shoved together) and poked the Altean.
"C'mon, Marthy," he whined. "Get up. Get up before I…uh…throw you off the bed. Yeah." He failed at sounding the least bit threatening.
Marth removed the pillow from his head and chucked it at the Hero of Time. "You wouldn't even be able to lift me."
Link waved dismissively. "Oh please. You're a waif."
Marth sat up and gave Link a confused look. "I'm an orphan?"
"Aren't we all?" said Link as he crossed his arms. "But seriously, you're like, all skinny and anorexic-looking. I could probably chuck you out the window."
Roy was half-dressed and came back from the laundry room with the rest of his clothes. Link didn't even know Roy left.
"Who's anorexic?" Roy asked, albeit muffled due to the toothbrush hanging from his mouth.
"No one," Marth replied, right when Link said, "Marth is."
Roy dumped his clean clothes on the comforter and looked to Marth for an explanation.
"Link's insisting he could pick me up and throw me out a window with ease."
Roy then looked to Link for his side of the story.
"I probably could," Link argued. "I mean, you can't weigh that much."
Roy stared in between them, for lack of anything else to gaze upon. "Marth's only a hundred and sixteen—"
"—twenty six," Marth corrected.
"Bullshit," Link interjected.
"—Sixteen," Roy amended Marth's correction. "You told me you lost ten pounds, remember?"
Marth sat up and blew a stray strand of hair from his face. "What does it matter? Link wouldn't be able to lift me."
"If I had the Silver Gauntlets, I could lift this house," said Link matter-of-factly, with a smug look on his face.
Link received blank looks in return. "Fine, don't believe me. Besides, Marth's tall. He doesn't look fat."
Marth looked affronted. "Are you calling me fat?"
"What the hell is going on in here?"
All three heads turned to face the doorway. There was Young Link glaring at them all, as if he were offended by the conversation at hand. Or he was offended at being excluded from it.
"Nothing that concerns you, Younger Self," Link answered.
Young Link scoffed. "Well, if it concerns you, then it concerns me since we're the same person."
"Can everyone leave so I can get dressed?" Marth asked, still covering himself with the bed covers, which he had pulled up to his chin.
"It's nothing I haven't seen before," answered Link. "Or Roy. Or even Young Link."
Marth glared at the blond.
"Okay, okay." Link put his hands up in front of him. "Walking out now. Come, Younger Me. We'll go terrorise Zelda or Peach or put arsenic in Ganondorf's Cheerios." Link walked backwards towards the door, turned sharply on his heel, and kicked the door closed behind him. If one listened closely, they would have heard an evil cackle.
"You can show me your chest, at least," Roy said as he finished dressing himself. He tugged his blazer on and buttoned it.
Marth refused and Roy sighed.
"It's nothing I haven't seen before, and I've seen every last inch of your body."
Marth still refused, so Roy took the foot-end of the covers and pulled them off the bed, off of Marth, and onto the floor instead.
With his hands on his hips, Roy said, "Get up and get dressed before I take my belt off and spank you. And you might like that, so I really don't want to do it." There was a hint of a smirk on his face, and Marth didn't miss it.
"Turn around." Marth even made the little 'spin' motion with his finger.
Roy sighed and complied. Marth could just be so stubborn when he wanted to be.
"It's only a scar, Marth. It's not some grotesque disfigurement, or a second—"
"Don't finish that thought, because I know what you're going to say," Marth interrupted, a hint of warning in his tone. He grabbed a dress shirt and pulled it on, found his pair of dress trousers and nearly tripped getting into them, and then he nearly concussed himself on the metal frame of the bed falling because he did trip then.
"This is why you should sit down on the bed and put your pants on." Roy was still facing the opposite direction, but he could still see everything in the mirror. Marth glared at Roy's back as he rubbed his head.
"Did I ever tell you how sexy you looked in that position?"
Marth had stood by that point, and he nearly lost his balance again. Either Marth lost the ability to use his legs or Roy's words just had that paralysing effect on him.
"I could just pull your boxers down around your knees, grab your hips and—"
"Roy," Marth warned, flustered beyond belief now. "Shut up."
"Or what?" Roy turned around now and saw his boyfriend on the ground. "What'll you do?"
Marth managed to pull his pants up in one fluid motion, ruining Roy's chance to molest him.
"That was hardly threatening," Roy said, disappointment flooding his voice.
"The more you have to take off, the more protected I feel."
Roy smirked as he kissed Marth. "It only helps if you button up."
The look on Marth's face was priceless as Roy lovingly caressed him. The prince grabbed Roy's wrist to prevent him from going any further down, but the action didn't stop Roy from squeezing…
"R-Roy… If you don't… Don't stop, then we're going to…be…"
Roy pushed Marth onto the bed, his actions kept at a steady pace as he showered him with kisses.
"Why don't you finish that sentence, hmm?"
Marth couldn't. He couldn't even remember what he was saying in the first place as Roy pinned him down using his legs.
Since when was it so hot in here? Was the only coherent thought Marth could muster.
All of the sudden, as Roy caressed Marth gently, his tongue preoccupied with Marth's, a light went off in his head.
"Oh shit, I forgot my English essay was due today!"
If their life was but a scene in a movie, there would have been a sound effect akin to a DJ disc abruptly coming to a stop, also known as a disc scratching noise in most places. But since their life wasn't a scene from a movie, there was no such sound. Only the birds chirping their high pitched melodies, death threats coming from downstairs, and something probably expensive crashing to the ground down below could be heard.
Oh, and the sound of the sexual mood being broken, flung across the room, and thrown unceremoniously out the window. Figuratively, of course.
-x-
"Geez, what took you guys so long?"
Link was half-way done with his bowl of Cheerios-that-weren't-filled-with-arsenic when he saw Marth and Roy march into the room. Well, Roy kind of marched – Marth walked normally.
"Roy had to finish his stupid English assignment," Marth said as he fell onto his chair. He looked cranky, and people could tell his mood was soured somewhat. Peach flitted about the room, making a pink cake with equally pink frosting adorned with strawberries. "And what's with the cake?"
Peach gave Marth a look of utter shock. "Don't you know what day it is, Prince Marth?"
"King Marth—" Link corrected.
"Am I supposed to?" Marth asked, ignoring Link's correction. He preferred the title of 'prince' over the title of 'king', really. He hardly noticed anyone putting titles in front of his name anymore, anyway.
"Well, yes," she replied as she went back to slathering on more frosting to the top of the cake. "Seeing as you have a lover to shower kisses and love and gifts upon—" She said it with just a little hint of bitterness. "—you should know what today is."
Marth looked utterly clueless.
"Marthy, it's Cupid Day," Link said.
"'Cupid Day'?"
"Don't you have a day in Altea where couples give flowers or gifts or something to each other? Where two people who love each other confess their feelings? Something like that?" Roy asked as he reached for a spoon.
"Sarang Hilla," Marth replied.
Link laughed hysterically for whatever reason. It could have been from Marth announcing to all three people in the room what Altea's version of Valentine's Day was, or it could have been from the comics he was reading from the back of the cereal box. Whatever the reason, Marth still glowered at him.
"Sah-rah-ng… Hee-ya?" Roy repeated. "Like, um… saroonga hilana in Sacaean?"
Marth shrugged. "Possibly. It means 'love day' in its literal interpretation. Except, well… It's celebrated differently in Altea."
Roy and Link scooted closer.
"Do tell." Roy was interested.
"It's for virgins." Marth said this as if he were reporting the weather. "There's a special day for married couples, of course. It's the following week."
"What happens if you're not a virgin and you celebrate it?"
Marth pretended to not hear Link's question as he pushed away from the table. "I think we should go – it's almost eight."
"Do you just magically know the time or do you just throw out random numbers?" Link asked. "You never wear a watch."
Marth pointed to the clock on the wall behind Link. He turned and saw the answer to his question.
"…Oh. Right. Silly me."
Marth got up, pushed in his seat, and gathered his things. "You need a ride, Roy?"
Roy shrugged. "I guess. I'll take one if you're offering."
Link was going to make a sexual joke about that when Ike entered the kitchen.
"Ikey!" Link clung to Ike's arm and practically knocked him over.
"Hey, Link." Ike ruffled Link's hair and gave him a peck on the cheek.
"What're we doing for Cupid Day, Ikey?"
Ike quirked an eyebrow. "'Cupid Day'?"
Link threw up his hands. "Another one who doesn't know?!"
"Link, people from different cultures have different holidays, you know," Roy said as he followed Marth out the back door, grabbing their coats along the way.
Link glared at the closing back-door. "Anyway."
"What's a cupid, anyway?"
Link grabbed his stuff and rose from his seat at the table. At the rate he was going, he was going to be late for school.
"I'll tell you on the way to the Academy. You driving?"
Ike snorted and pointed out the window. "Link, it's snowing out. You know I don't drive in the snow."
Link sighed. "Well then, we'd better go before we're too late, then."
Ike grabbed his jacket and slipped it on, made sure he had his keys and that he was as bundled up as possible without impeding on his ability to move, and followed Link out the door.
How the hell can Link not wear a jacket when it's twenty degrees out?
-x-
Link did a little dance in the copy room as he turned the volume on his Nintenpod up a notch. He placed his flyer for yet another Do-It-All Club event on the copier glass, selected the options he thought were best, and watched as it was duplicated on about a million sheets of paper. Well, it looked like a million sheets of paper. In reality, it was only about a hundred or so. He had never used a copier before, so the fact that it turned out okay was a relief. He didn't want to ask anyone for help, because honestly, who hadn't ever used one? And Link didn't want some condescending librarian telling him what to do like he was five years old. He wasn't as stupid as everyone thought.
"Where is that music coming from?" some passerby asked his friend. "And why does it sound like U2?"
His friend gave him a funny look. "It's probably from someone's mp3 player, and it probably is U2."
One of them needed to use the copier and was disappointed to see Link sucking the ink and paper supplies dry. Never mind the fact that there were two other copiers waiting for someone to use them.
Roy was outside the copy room, his head in a book once more. It was a book about vampires and unrealistic romance, and Roy thought 'Days of Our Lives' was much more serious than this novel could ever hope to achieve. It was called 'A Luz da Manhã da Pena Bonita da Faísca', and despite its Portuguese title, the book was in all its badly written, English glory. What made the book even weirder was its constant use of what the internet termed 'fangirl Japanese', with every female screaming, "Oh, that shirt is so kawaii, girl!" or something like it.
Peach had recommended it to him and said it was the best thing she had ever read, and Roy was beginning to doubt the Mushroom Kingdom princess's taste in literature.
"Will you hurry up, Link?" Roy asked, looking away from the trainwreck of a novel to glance at his watch. "We still need to hang those stupid things, and if you lollygag any more, we won't have enough time."
Link came out five minutes later with a huge stack of flyers.
"It's about time," Roy said as he slammed the book shut. He didn't bother marking his place since it was basically the same thing in every chapter, and he wasn't even sure he was masochistic enough to continue on towards the end anyway. "You weren't making copies of anything obscene, were you?"
Link looked at Roy in a way that said "are you talking about me or someone else here?"
"Dude, this is me we're talking about, right? Do I look like the type who takes pornographic photos of myself and makes a bajillion copies to distribute?"
Roy didn't want to think about Link taking pornographic pictures. "You know how people sit on the glass and scan their arse in…and then leave the pictures there for all to see later."
"Well, I'm not the type to do stupid crap like that." Link brandished his stapler and treated it like a weapon of sorts. "Now help me put these things all over the school. It's imperative people know about this event."
Roy took half of the stack Link was holding and followed him over to the fourth floor bulletin strip. As its name suggested, it was a strip of cork board that went around the walls of the corridor most of the way. Reinforced with metal strips on the top and bottom, students used it to post announcements about various functions and activities occurring throughout the school year. Many used magnets to hold them to the metal strips, but a lot of people also used staples, thumbtacks, screws, nails, and push pins. One person even used a knife once. This happened when Crazy Hand was the principal, and he thought it was a great idea, much to the chagrin of Master Hand. If there was a knife stuck in an announcement now, the student body knew it was from the Head of Security, because only Solid Snake would be crazy enough to use a lethal weapon as a thumbtack.
Link stapled a whole bunch of announcements along the length of the bulletin strip, so that no matter where anyone looked, a flyer was always in view. He even placed them over existing announcements Link thought had little or no importance (such as ones about the Chess Club, or about the Saturday Lunch Specials the lunch staff never updated, because they were just that lazy).
"So just what is this event?" Roy asked as he taped a few to the opposite wall. The walls were a bland taupe colour anyway, so adding a bit of colour to them never hurt.
"It's a dance," Link replied, as if it were obvious. Well, it kind of was – it was on the flyer itself, if anyone cared to read it. "A Cupid Day dance. And it'll be awesome and lots of people will come. There's even this thing you can fill out to see who you're compatible with in the Academy."
That piqued Roy's interest. "Compatibility thing?"
"Yeah." Link unloaded twelve staples into the poor innocent sheet of paper. "You answer some questions about what you like in a person and it chooses five people in the school with those same answers. It chooses who would be your best friend, your lover, and your worst enemy, so…"
"What would happen if you got Ganondorf as your lover?"
Link nearly stapled his hand. "That won't happen, I sure you – we're about as compatible as water and electricity."
Roy nearly dropped his now-small stack of papers out the open window. No wonder the school was chilly – no one bothered to close the stupid windows.
"You never know, Link," said Roy as he collected the almost-fallen papers. "He could secretly be compatible." He chewed his lip thoughtfully. "Do I have to go to some stupid dance, though? I just wanna fill one out and be done with it."
Link sighed. "Yeah, I guess so. I may be able to find one. For you and for Marth, just for laughs."
One of the Second Years passed by and whispered to his friends, "Hey, the brunet's pretty cute." The rest of them giggled like 1x2 shippers at Yaoi Con and gave Link 'The Eye', which Link noticed.
Roy stared after them and then turned to gawk at Link. "…You're a brunet?"
Link fiddled with the stapler in an attempt to unjam it. That's what he got for trying to staple something to a concrete wall.
"What? Me? With brown hair? Pfft." Link dropped the stapler and it magically fixed itself. However, there were staples everywhere; Link didn't care and just swept them to the side of the corridor with his foot. "It's quite obvious I'm blond." He ran his fingers through his hair for emphasis.
Roy leaned against the wall as Link gathered up his things, and then pushed off from it and headed for the staircase.
"I mean yeah, there's been like, no sun due to all the stupid snow we've been getting," Link continued on as they went to the third floor new building, "but my hair is like, dirt blond at the most. Definitely not brown, though. If they took a look at my younger self, they'd be able to see it."
Roy and Link arrived to the new building only to find posters for a dance already there.
"What the hell is this?" Link tore the poster from the wall and examined it closer. Roy moved closer so he could read over Link's shoulder.
"'Do you have plans for tonight? Of course not! Come on down to the auditorium for a dance-off! First place wins a lifetime supply of KY Intense lubricant, twelve boxes of condoms, a manual on sexual positions, a name book, and cheez-its for those after sex munchies.' What the crap is this?" Roy's reaction looked like the poster was trying to proposition something.
"'Tickets are five dollars. Don't be a loser and go by yourself! It takes two to tango, after all, el-oh-el.' Who would honestly go to something like this?"
Then they saw who was in charge of it and it all became clear.
"Terry doesn't give up too easily, does he?" Link asked as he tore up the invitation to a sex promotion.
Roy shook his head. "Nope."
"Figures. Well. I'll show him. I've fought seemingly-hopeless battles before and came out victorious. This should be no different."
Roy had to remind Link that those battles involved shoving a sword into someone's chest, but Link just waved that away.
"That was only Ganondorf," Link said. "And let me tell you, even with a sword shoved in his chest, he refuses to die."
That was obvious considering Ganondorf was still walking around, albeit extremely bitter towards life and most people.
-x-
"Can anyone tell me what the male reproductive organs are?" As much as Sonic didn't want to talk about such a sensitive topic, it was his duty as a teacher to educate the masses, especially about something as important as sex. Especially sex, since it wasn't something to fool around with.
The class stared at Sonic like he had a third leg sprouting from his ear or something. Aside from Stephenie, the class consisted of males. Males who, for the most part, knew what was nestled in between their legs and covered by their pants.
Besides, the class was too busy laughing like a bunch of twelve year olds anyway. You couldn't teach sex to Third Years and expect them to take it seriously.
Stephenie – the only person who wasn't giggling incessantly like a moron – raised her hand.
"What the fuck would a girl know about male bits?" Kevin sneered with a smirk on his face.
"More than you, probably," she replied.
"Enlighten us, Stephen…ie," Sonic said, almost forgetting the rest of her name.
"You have the testicles, the penis, the prostate…"
No one could contain themselves. Well, Link and Roy could. Link wasn't paying attention and Roy was already given 'The Talk' four years ago by his father who, admittedly, was quite embarrassed and described sex as a 'special dance'. Then his father repeated the talk a year ago, over the summer, after Roy confessed his homosexuality. Except this talk was a bit more useful.
If Marth were here, he'd probably call everyone else douches for laughing at something so important, Roy thought. And then he'd call them childish and moronic for not knowing their own anatomy.
Instead, Marth was in room 404 teaching ungrateful students all about how to not mix certain chemicals. He was lucky the windows were open, or else cyanide gas would have killed everyone. Marth often threatened suicide via his sword, but he was only saying it in jest – he had lived through too much to be killed by some pansy gas.
Sonic passed out extremely detailed diagrams of the male anatomy, and the class just about lost it.
"Hahaha, this guy's wiener is small!"
"His balls are nonexistent!"
"You're all three year olds mentally," Stephenie muttered as she turned her attentions to Phoenix Wright. "OBJECTION!"
The whole class stared at her.
"…It's not as fun if you don't shout it," Stephenie stated, as if it were the most normal thing in the world.
Link doodled a top hat on top of 'Mr. Snake' and put a bow tie on it.
"Is this class really that boring for you, Link?" Roy asked.
Link sighed. "Yeah, it is. Besides, I doodle when I think, and right now, my brain is being pushed to the limit."
"What about?"
"What Ike and me are gonna do for Cupid Day. I wanna do something romantic, but I'm not sure if that's the way to go. I mean, I dunno if Ike is the romantic type, you know? So I'm kinda…questioning my decision a bit here." Link decided a mustache was in order for 'Mr. Snake'.
"Ike kisses you a lot, and he's not stingy at all about any sort of public displays of affection, like hugs and things like that…"
Link's pencil stopped moving. "Being physically affectionate doesn't really mean he's into candle-lit dinners, strolls along Ninty Shore's beaches while basking in the moonlight, or even presents like chocolate or something. I mean, Marth's physically affectionate with you, but that doesn't mean he's romantic."
Roy snorted. "No, but it just turns out that he likes a nice dinner, he likes the ocean, and he's a big fan of chocolate flavoured anything."
Link supported his head with his hand. "That's because Marth's easy to please. Ike isn't so straight-forward. In fact, he's not straight at all."
"Obviously not if he's with you," Roy joked, taking advantage of the unintentional pun Link made.
"Not what I meant," Link said, groaning.
"Have you tried asking?"
Link turned in his seat. "You expect me to waltz up to Ike and go, 'So are you romantic or are you just dull and don't like anything having to do with emotional attachment'?"
Roy clapped his hands on Link's shoulders. "Not being romantic doesn't make him dull. He might just not like cheesy stuff. I mean, he's not a girl."
"…I'm not, either."
Roy grinned. "That makes two of us. And Marth isn't either, despite what tons of people think. It just depends on the personality. Ike's not the type to wear his heart on his sleeve."
Link blinked. "Marth isn't, either."
"Because he's used to repressing his emotions 'for the sake of his people'. And he's not really good at expressing his feelings, anyway, though he has been working on opening up more."
"It helps that Marth's a prude, too, so he's more for the romantic, non-sexual things."
"Since when was this about my love life?" Roy asked. "I thought you needed help with yours."
Link banged his hand against the back of the chair. "I do need help! But that's the thing – Marth acts like the perfect boyfriend and Ike is just so hard to figure out."
"Well, dearest Link, Marth and Ike are two different people. And Marth's far from perfect."
Link crossed his arms on the desk. "Oh yeah? How come you and him never have arguments? Ike and me do. We have plenty."
"So do Marth and I. We have some pretty bad ones, usually over stupid things. And then we have hot, passionate make up sex and forget what we were even arguing about." Roy had that wistful look on his face.
"See, Ike and I discuss things without involving sex."
"If you had a romp with Marth just once, you wouldn't be able to remember anything long enough to discuss it afterwards."
The end-of-class bell rang out, as if it didn't want Roy and Link's conversation about their sex lives to continue.
"Thanks for telling me about your sex life and how amazing it is," Link grumbled as he collected his things.
"Why? Does Ike suck or something?"
Link shook his head as he got up from his desk. He almost crashed into Roy after he tripped over a poorly placed floor tile, but managed to recover before that head-on collision.
"Well… I wouldn't say 'suck', really. I mean, I enjoy it, but… I have to be the aggressor, and that's a problem because I like being dominated. Ike doesn't dominate very well."
If it was one thing Marth was good at, it was dominating. Well, when Roy wasn't slamming Marth onto the mattress and molesting him, anyway.
The thing was Marth secretly liked to be dominated, so he didn't mind. Much.
"Well, then, all you have to do is talk with Ike if it's such a problem."
Too bad that was a lot easier said than done.
-x-
"You know, if Ike ever teaches at the Academy, I'd want him to bend me over the table, threaten to fail me if I didn't perform sexual favours, and then proceed to take me right then and there." Link mentioned this to Roy as they walked into room 404, where Marth was trying to not swallow his whole bottle of Advil. Never mind the fact that Marth wouldn't be able to swallow that many pills without immediately throwing up, and he'd never go through with something like that in the first place.
"Do student-teacher relationships turn you on or something?" Roy asked as they sat in their usual seats.
Link shook his head. "I like distribution of power to be somewhat equal. But it'd still be hot because I like the feeling of domination in that situation."
Marth gave Roy a "what the hell is he talking about?" look and gestured to the Hero of Time.
"Sex," Roy mouthed, and Marth just rolled his eyes.
"What am I gonna do for Cupid Day for Ike?" Link shouted. "I dunno if he likes chocolate, or presents in general or romantic outings or…"
Roy grabbed the nearly hysterical Hylian and stared straight into his eyes. "Dude, calm down. You can treat him to a normal dinner, go to some place that's somewhat neutral, and give him candy or something. I don't think I've met anyone who'd turn chocolate down, so…"
"But—"
"For the love of Roland, Link, just try it and see if it works!"
Link's talk on how he couldn't figure out what to get Ike made Marth think about his boyfriend.
What am I going to get Roy? He thought. What haven't I gotten him yet, anyway? I want something symbolic, something important, without being too cheesy.
Marth was then reminded of the talk he and Roy had not that long ago about the future of their relationship. His wandering thoughts gave him the perfect present idea – something Roy couldn't refuse.
The bell interrupted Marth's thoughts and he instead cleared his throat in preparation for the lesson.
Marth thought as he grabbed his trademark blue Expo marker, I hope it's perfect. He better not have been kidding when we had that whole conversation.
"Chapter twelve – solutions," Marth said as he wrote it on the white board. "Who can tell me what a solution is? Don't be shy now. Someone has to know."
-x-
Young Link poked at his chicken parm sandwich and then sat back in his seat, disgusted.
"What's wrong, YL?" Ness asked as he bit into his chicken chipotle wrap.
"This chicken isn't even real chicken. In fact, it sucks worse than fake chicken. Like the stuff at McBurgerBell."
Ness just gave Young Link a look. "You've never been to McBurgerBell."
Young Link poked at his sandwich more. "That's why. The food sucks."
"So I was thinking of this place down by the river…"
The door to the Chorus room swung open, and Ike and Link entered at that moment. Ike was being a gentleman and carried both of their lunches; Link twirled a piece of hair around his finger, something he did when he was nervous or bored.
"Not McBurgerBell, I hope," Ike replied as he set their lunches down on the table in the corner of the room, right by the door.
Link laughed and playfully shoved Ike. "Of course not, silly. I have more class than that."
Ike took a seat and Link sat right next to him.
"PeachFly, then?" Ike asked as he dug into his macaroni and cheese.
"Well, yeah," Link replied. "That's the only place that's local and by the river. Plus it's not that expensive."
Young Link sighed scornfully and Ness simply turned the page of the book he was reading.
"So… You got anyone, Nessie?"
"For what?" Ness questioned without looking away from his book about aliens.
"Cupid Day."
"Well, I—"
"Aside from your books and studies, of course," Young Link joked as he pushed his food away.
Ness glared at him. "Aren't we a little young to be thinking of the fairer sex, YL?"
Young Link's eyes narrowed slightly. "Nessie, we're like, fourteen and fifteen, right? Aren't we supposed to be interested in girls by now?"
"You don't even like girls in the first place, Young Link," Ness countered.
Young Link seethed and grit his teeth together. "Just because Link happens to be in love with a guy, doesn't mean I like guys. I happen to like a lot of girls."
Ness closed his book, a look of amusement on his face. "Oh really, YL? Name one girl, then."
"Well, there's this girl I grew up with named Saria… Unfortunately, she can't grow up, so she's out of the picture. Then there's Malon, she runs a ranch with her dad just outside Hyrule Castle Town… There's also Ruto, but she's a Zora, so she's out of the picture. Then there's Zelda."
Ness didn't know who any of those women were, save for Zelda.
"Hey, Link…"
"Yes, Ikey?"
Ike gestured to the door. "Where's Roy? Shouldn't he be here by now?"
Link shrugged. "Marth has his break at this time, so…"
"Ah." Ike understood. No other explanation was needed.
-x-
"Can you believe that HSPA is next month?" Roy asked as he, Link, and Ike walked to his locker.
"Is that why they were passing out these 'practise booklet' things today during our English class? To prepare us?" Link asked. He took his out of his bag and threw it in Roy's locker. It wasn't like he was ever going to look at the thing in the first place, let alone actually take the test and pass it.
"Oh, Link, it's not that difficult," Ike said. "I took it already."
"When?" Link asked, leaning against the locker row.
"Back when I went to Brawl High." Ike twirled a pen between his fingers. "It wasn't that hard. I thought it was easy."
Link assumed the begging stance.
"The test is different every year, so don't even bother asking me for answers."
Link pouted. "There has to be some sort of secrets you have…"
Ike sighed. "Just answer all the open ended questions and fill in all the multiple choice and you're golden. You can't fail then."
Roy shrugged his jacket on. "Link, calm down. There's nothing to really worry about – you're just making a huge deal out of it, and it doesn't have to be like that."
Roy had a point, after all. The school hyped up the test to be so difficult, but in reality, it was probably easy as pie.
"And if it's hard?" Link questioned.
"…Then it's hard." Roy sighed. "Just do your best, Link. That's all you can do."
Ike was looking over his assignment list with a grim look on his face.
"Something wrong, Ike?"
Ike absently shook his head. "Not really. Just forgot I had a creative writing assignment due tomorrow."
Link looked at Ike's assignment pad and scanned the list of items on it. "Well… Hey, at least it's only a poem!"
Ike gave Link a look. "Easy for you to say. I have to write it on forbidden relationships."
Link poked Ike's chest. "Should be easy for you then."
Silence.
"You're saying that two guys—"
"Not what I meant, Roy," Link interrupted. "I meant, you know… Ike's a commoner and Zelda was a princess…"
When Roy gave Link a blank stare, Ike pitched in with, "My previous relationship."
Roy wanted to bang his head against the lockers. "Don't tell me you're still bitter over that, Link."
Link shook his head. "Pfft, no. I've gotten over that since it interferes with my duties as her personal guard."
This time, both Ike and Roy gave him blank stares. Ike almost dropped his assignments list, even, and Roy's book bag slid from his shoulder to the ground, almost landing on his foot.
"What? You didn't know I was obligated to be her bodyguard? That's why the relationship really didn't, uh…work out."
If they were in an anime, they would have face-vaulted and Link would have sweatdropped. But since they were not in an anime, they instead settled for stares of disbelief. After all, Link was quite bitter when Zelda didn't accept his feelings and instead went for Ike – who was a commoner – and Link couldn't really deny that.
But he could have at least told them that.
-x-
"Where are you going?"
Roy cocked his head to the side, something he did whenever he asked a question and expected an immediate answer, as he watched Marth suit up for the harsh February weather. It was a lot warmer in the morning than it was now, and though Marth had high tolerance to extreme temperatures, he was feeling it now.
They stood there in the grandiose hallway of the Manse, right next to the bay window. Roy had traded in his uncomfortable school uniform for a pair of lounge pants and a shirt that said "It's not easy being green" on it with a picture of Kermit the Frog, Link's idol. Roy had found the shirt in his room one day, and Link – though a fan of Kermit – claimed the shirt wasn't his, so Roy kept it. If he hadn't, Marth would've thrown a perfectly good shirt out, because Marth wasn't a fan of other people's things on his side of the room. Marth had also traded in his work clothes for something more comfortable, a simple blue turtleneck and dark wash jeans.
"What, I'm forbidden to leave the house now?" asked Marth as he patted himself down for his wallet and keys. He didn't need to be pulled over, only to find out he left his wallet in his other pants. And he wouldn't get far without his keys.
Roy idly sipped something from a straw – probably iced tea or soda or something, Marth surmised – and walked closer to Marth.
"No, I'm just curious. Usually you don't leave at, uh…" He glanced at the clock in the hallway. "Six at night."
"I have an appointment," Marth said, wiping a stray strand of hair from his eyes. He really needed a hair cut.
"Marth. It's Cupid Day. You and I are supposed to spend time together."
Marth sighed and placed one hand on Roy's shoulder, the other cupped his cheek.
"When I get back, we'll have all the time in the world for that. Besides, you'd kill me if I had no gift for you."
That nearly made Roy drop his soda, or at least sputter a little on it. "You didn't get me my gift yet?" he wheezed.
Marth winced. "That's why I have to go. I'm not coming to you empty-handed. I never have and I never will." He kissed him on the cheek. "Now let me go before the place closes."
Roy gave Marth a peck on the mouth, leaned against the now-open door, and casually took a sip from his drink as Marth exited.
I should get shoes on or something, Roy thought as he finished his drink up. I still have to get Marth something.
With that, he ran up the stairs to the second floor, made a slight left so he could enter the correct dormitories, and sprinted to his room for some sort of footwear.
-x-
"Hey, look at the birdies, Ike!" Link pointed to a whole flock of seagulls and the odd pigeon. He whistled a short tune and the birds all sat down and waited.
"I don't think I've ever seen so many birds," Ike mused as Link dragged him closer. "Not even the Bird Laguz have this many people. And there's a lot of them."
Link had let go of Ike's hand and instead picked up a seagull. "What's a 'laguz'?"
Ike chuckled at Link's child-like nature. He had asked the same question once, and his comrade Shinon answered with, "They're sub-humans, Ike."
"They're, uh, half-human, half-animal, and they have the ability to transform into a given animal. The Bird Laguz can turn into various types of birds, the Beast Laguz can turn into various beast animals – lions, tigers, things like that, and there's probably a few more I missed somewhere along the line."
Link looked at the seagull he was carrying. "Can any of them turn into a seagull?"
Ike shrugged. "I don't know, but I can ask one of my friends back home for you. He's quite knowledgeable about things. Mostly because he's stuck in the library for all eternity."
"…What should we name our seagull?"
Ike shrugged, and then did a double-take. "…What?"
"Our seagull. Our pet," Link clarified. "This is your present."
Ike blinked a few times in quick succession. "Uhm… What do you want to name it?"
Link petted the bird and it cooed, seeming content in his arms. "I was thinking… Either Aouette or, uh, Aryll."
Ike cocked an eyebrow. "Aouette? Aryll?"
"Aouette is Hylian for 'bringer of the sea' – basically a fisherman – and Aryll is Hylian for 'child of the sea'."
"Maybe Aryll would be good?" Ike suggested. "I mean, Aouette's kinda…long for a bird."
Link chuckled. "Yeah, I guess. So Aryll it is!"
The sun was beginning to set as they and their new pet stared out at the river.
-x-
"You said you had it in stock when I came here on my break!"
"I'm sorry, sir, but we sold the last one."
Marth took a deep breath in an attempt to keep calm. "How can you sell something that's personalized for a specific person? Unless there's someone else named Roy Eliwood here in this town…"
The sales clerk simply gawked at the secretly seething prince before a light bulb clicked on in his head.
"Oh! You wanted… You wanted Roy!" He chortled to himself as Marth's jaw locked. "I thought you said 'boy'. Someone earlier came in here asking for an engraving for 'It's a Baby Boy!' and, well, you know. Millions of sales every day, it all melds together eventually…"
The sales clerk left Marth momentarily to go into the back of the store to retrieve the item Marth wanted so bad. He came back with two items: a ring box and then a longer, thinner box.
"Cash, charge, or cheque, sir?"
Marth handed his charge card to the clerk as he rang up the order and waited as patiently as he could.
I'd better get home before Roy wonders if I fell into a ditch and died.
-x-
"This is the twelfth place I've gone to," Roy said to the cashier at the local Bargain-Mart. "And it's the twelfth place that doesn't have it," the cashier said as she examined her nails. Obviously she didn't want to deal with Roy.
"You have signs all over the stupid store saying it's in stock, and how many are left. And according to my iNintephone, your store has it." He leaned against the counter. "You just don't want to bother going to the inventory and actually getting it."
She looked up from her nail inspection. "Like… What's your point?"
Roy grit his teeth. "I want to see your manager."
At the threat of her boss coming out and seeing her slacking off, she stood to attention and quickly ran off to get the item Roy asked for.
Roy smirked and examined the other wares of the store from his place in front of the counter as he waited.
Works every time, he thought. Ask for the manager, they get scared, they do whatever you want.
She returned to the register and rang the order up like a good little employee. "That'll be twenty five dollars."
Roy handed her exact bills, took his purchase, and hurried back home.
I hope Marth didn't get back before I did.
-x-
"Link."
"Yes, Princess?"
"Why do you have a bird waddling around the kitchen?"
Link looked up from the comics section of the newspaper to see Zelda's ever-calm face.
"Aryll needs exercise, too, Zelda."
She sat next to him and helped herself to a piece of strawberry-and-vanilla cake. "Link…"
"Hmm?" He had resumed reading his comics and didn't bother to look up at her again.
Zelda fiddled with her fork as she stared at the front side of the comics.
"…Since when did you start calling me 'Princess' and 'Zelda'?"
Link set the comics down and took a swig of Mountain Dew. "Well, that's what I really should be calling you. You're my liege, after all. My obligation. My duty. My—"
Zelda placed one slender finger to his lips, shushing him.
"But it isn't necessary," she said, removing her finger from his mouth. "I…I liked it when you called me Zel. I mean…Gan calls me 'Zel'…"
Link thought nothing of it until he heard the last part.
"'Gan'?"
Zelda took a few bites of the cake. "Yes. Gan."
If Zelda thought he couldn't figure it out, she wasn't as smart as she thought she was.
"Since when did you call Ganondorf 'Gan'? In fact, since when were you and him best buddies?"
"Since… Since Ike and I split up." Her voice was softer than usual. Perhaps she felt bad about admitting that she and her archnemesis were friendly.
Link wanted to just crawl into a hole and die.
"Zelda. Zel, listen to me." There was a far off look in her eyes, he noticed. "Hey! Zelda! Listen! Hey! Hey, Zelda! Zelda!"
Young Link took that moment to enter the kitchen for a cold glass of Lon Lon Milk.
"If you're trying to be Navi, you're failing at it," he said. "She's much more high-pitched than that. If you want, I could kick you in the balls and—"
"Go away, Young Link," Link said as Zelda snapped back to reality once more. "Zelda and I are having an adult conversation. Butt out."
Young Link sighed, took a bottle of Lon Lon Milk, and left to play a prank on Bowser involving paperclips, duct-tape, and a loofa.
"What were we saying?" Zelda asked.
"About you and Ganondorf." He spat the latter one's name, the harsh Gerudo syllables uncomfortably rolling of his tongue. "How you're all buddy-buddy with him now."
Zelda sighed. "Peach is civil to Bowser. In fact, she treats him like she treats anyone else, despite the fact that he's accosted her several times."
"Bowser hasn't tried to murder her, Zelda. Ganondorf only wants your Triforce piece and he'll do anything to get it."
Zelda scoffed. "Link, you're just paranoid."
"I have every right to be paranoid, Zelda. I'm your protector. I went forward and backward in time to save you and Hyrule, I rallied for his execution – and he almost got it, had he not killed most of the people who tried to kill him…"
She said nothing in response.
"I want good relations between the various countries in Hyrule, Link," she said at last. "That is why I…could not go off with you."
Link froze. He knew what was coming next. And he knew deep down, it was the last thing he wanted to hear.
"You're…"
All Zelda could do was nod.
Link sneered. "Whose idea was this?"
"My father's. But I agreed to do it." She took Link's hands in hers. "I am sorry, Link, but that is the way it goes."
Link gave her a determined face. "I'm not giving up. I'm not going to let Ganondorf of all people take my princess away. I'd rather see you dead at the bottom of Lake Hylia than in his hands."
And with that he picked Aryll up and left the kitchen without another word.
-x-
"You knew I was running out, didn't you."
"Well, no, I noticed you weren't wearing it and I wondered why. Especially since it's your favourite and you wear it every day…"
Marth kissed Roy's cheek. "Let me guess, you had to go to five different stores before you found this rare cologne."
Roy snorted. "I wish. More like twelve. I had to threaten one of the employees to get off their rear and get it from inventory."
"Well, then." Marth reached from behind him and handed Roy a long and slender package. "Open it."
It figures he wrapped it so perfect; I don't even want to touch it.
Roy carefully tore open one end of the paper so he could slide out whatever was inside. He wasn't like Link who, on Christmas last year, nearly ripped the thing to shreds. Inside was a black velvet box.
Oh Elimine, he went to the expensive jewelry store, didn't he.
Roy opened the box just a little so he could peek before opening it all the way.
"…Wow." Inside was a small pendant in the shape of a dragon, and it was blue. Blue like an Ice Dragon. "How did you…"
Marth removed the necklace from the box and unclasped it. "We went to the jewelry store that one time for your birthday, remember? And you were browsing around when you pointed that out to me. So when you weren't looking, I had that customized for your present."
"You're sneaky," Roy said as he turned so Marth could put it on him. "Very sneaky."
Marth snaked his arms around Roy's waist and kissed the back of his neck. "That's just how I work, love. And…" He removed one of his arms from Roy's waist so he could flip the dragon pendant over. "It's engraved. You can't really read it from this angle, but when you take it off…"
Roy leaned back into Marth. "You spoil me, you know that?"
Marth kissed Roy's shoulder. "Yes. I spoil you rotten, because that's what I'm supposed to do. Shower you in love and attention."
Roy shifted slightly. "You know, we really need to buy a new bed. Like a full size or something."
"I know, but we know what Master Hand will say."
"Yeah. 'What do you need a full size for? That costs money! I have better things to spend it on, like stain glass windows and big stadiums!'"
"Well, it's true."
Little did Roy know that Marth had another present for him, this one hidden away for another point in time.
-x-
The next morning, everyone received what looked like a large and very thick envelope in their room mailboxes.
"I didn't know we could even get mail on Sundays," Fox remarked as his half-asleep roommate leaned heavily against the door frame.
"'s it pos'marked?" a heavily slurring Falco asked.
Fox looked on both sides of the envelope and saw nothing. "Nope, just 'Mr. Fox McCloud'." He fished into the mailbox and pulled out Falco's. "Here's yours."
There was a scream from near the end of the hall, and everyone poked their head out their doors to see what was up.
"This is my worst nightmare come true!" Link shouted as he let the envelope's contents fall to the ground.
Bowser roared as he appeared in the doorway of his bedroom, a sleep cap resting haphazardly on his head.
"I just wanted to tell all of you to shut the hell up," Bowser said. There was some sort of murmur coming from the inside of the room, and Bowser added, "And Ganon said, 'If you're so distraught about whatever, Link, just jump off a bridge.'" With that, Bowser retreated into his room and slammed the door.
Roy and Marth were looking at the envelopes like they were going to be executed. And from the sound of Link's shouting, they probably were.
"Let's open this, shall we?" Roy said as he tore the seal. Inside was another envelope, this one saying 'Lord Pherae and Guest' on it in fanciful cursive script.
"I hate it when people put 'Lord Pherae' on things," Roy muttered, opening the inside envelope now. "It makes me think they're addressing my dad and they sent it to me by mistake."
Inside that envelope were a number of things. There was a card with the heading The Umi no Suifu Hotel, talking about how they were pleased to offer special overnight accommodations for the week of the…
Did that say the Ganondorf Dragmire and Zelda Harkinian Wedding?
No wonder Link screamed, Roy thought. Zelda's marrying Ganondorf of all people.
This would be like my sister marrying Garnef, Marth pondered. What was she thinking?
With that shock aside, they were greeted by a white and gold bordered invitation. It was about the size of the second largest index card you could buy in a store, maybe a little smaller.
Reception at six o'clock in the evening
The Umi no Suifu Hotel
Hartford Avenue at Sixty-Fourth Street
Sega City, Nintendo
Then after that was the invitation that basically hit Link in the balls with a two-by-four.
His Majesty the King Dedeus Harkinian of Hyrule
Requests the honour of your presence
At the marriage of his daughter
Her Royal Highness the Princess Zelda Harkinian
To His Majesty the King Ganondorf Dragmire of Gerudo Desert
Saturday, the fifteenth of August two thousand and nine
At half-past three o'clock in the afternoon
Blansén Lilien Church
Fifth Avenue at Hartford Avenue
Sega City, Nintendo
"Oh wow," Roy said when he was finished reading it. "This is quite unexpected."
Marth was still in shock, so he didn't bother telling Roy his sentence made no sense.
"Hey, um, Link?" Roy put everything away and then set it back in his mailbox. He saw the Hylian's blank stare and knew it wasn't a good sign at all.
Then, suddenly, Link collapsed.