I fished through my phonebook for Alyssa's number. She had been so kind to me, and I have done nothing but suspect her of being a backstabbing bitch. FML. I thought.
Ahh, here we go, Alyssa Harrington-Windstruck. Hello? a voice said.
Hi. It's Amy-.
Oh, hi honey! How are you doing?
wow, nobody has ever called me that before. I am good. Hey, I guess I'll go to that conference.
Good, yeah I think you will benefit from it a great deal.
Oh. Okay. I said.
So, are you doing anything tonight? We can watch a movie.
Sure. I said.
Alyssa and I watched Miss Congeniality 2, and then had some wine. It was a fun evening. I had noticed that I had no desire to check for laughs anymore, instead I would write my own list, to make myself laugh. 2 Weeks had gone by, and while I wasn't being praised for becoming little miss sunshine, the boss hadn't summoned me into his office to fire me. Also it was the week of the conference. Ahh, I thought, this conference should be interesting.
That Thursday we had a meeting.
Due to the abuse of the system- my boss kept saying how we would have to inform our consumers that had been buying products to sell and pass as their own, that they could no longer purchase from our store. Now, who is coming to our conference? A majority of hands went up, mine included. At the conference, I will be watching each of you and then decide who gets a promotion, who gets the raise, who stays where they are at, and who gets fired- I stopped listening.
Hey, wanna ride with me to the conference? Alyssa asked.
Nah, I'll just ride up by myself. I said. I wasn't much for carpooling, maybe because I liked the peace and quiet. I carpooled with my mom and brother for ten years. Not a good experience.
Okay. if you change your mind let me know.
Okay. I said.
The next morning I spent packing for the conference. I had procrastinated, like always. At least I didn't have to go into work. Ahh I said as I poured my coffee. Let's hope for the best.
I was a coffee addict. If I didn't have my fix, I wanted to punch the next person I saw. After I got done packing, I turned on the TV. Whitney Houston was singing "The Greatest Love of All". I remembered hearing it, as I listened. I cried whenever I heard that song, it was beautiful. Hmm, wish I could sing like that. I thought. FML. Then I remembered why I don't sing.
FLASHBACK
Mommy! Remember, choir concert tonight!
Yes, I remember.
I have a solo!
That's nice honey.
Aww gawd, ya mean to tell me the girl that can't sing has a solo? my grandma said. Gawd, she'll get on there and have everybody flee that damn audience!!! Ya better make sure she doesn't get there tonight if ya want that concert to be saved!
Grandma, I can sing. Jesus loves me this I-
What is that gawd awful sound!!
I know she can't sing but do you have to be so mean to her, in front of her face?
Mommy? I can't sing?
Well, Grandma shouldn't be making fun of you, but your singing is a little off key.
I remembered crying up the stairs and refusing to go to my concert. Since then, my singing was along with loud music. FML.
Speaking of loud music, on the way to the conference I had my music on full blast, almost loud enough people driving slow enough by me could hear it. Before I knew it, I was at the conference. I didn't know weather to be excited or nervous. I'm here. I thought as I pulled into the hotel parking lot. As I made my way to the check-in desk, I wondered where the others were.
I'm here for the MHBI Industry conference.
Room 209. The lady said. Your roommate is Marsha Gray.
Okay. I said as I made my way to my room. First. Check in. Second. Check the place out. The elevator was slow, which I hated. I hated elevators that took forever to come up or down, while you were waiting. It was easier to take the stairs. FML
I found my way to my room, which I was pleased with. Quite relaxing, and reminded me of my apartment back at home, except it didn't smell like vodka half the time. Afterward I made my way to the conference center.
Amy Grier, a lady said. I'm glad you could make it. Most of the employees are at the bar socializing. She handed me my nametag and the agenda for the weekend. Wow, 100 people? I thought as I saw the names on the list. Gah, They spelled my last name wrong. Oh well. I thought.
At the bar
Thank you. I said. I walked over to the bar and saw a few people, who I didn't even recognize.
I'll take a blackberry slush. A lady said.
Hi. I said, making my way to the counter.
Hello. The same lady said. Hey, do you want a drink? It's on me.
Sure. I said. I'll take straight vodka.
Why don't you try the blackberry slush? It's blackberry juice and vodka with a hint of bacardi.
Okay. What's your name?
Lauren Baker. She said. I think I've seen you before.
Yeah. I said.
Hey there! Lauren said.
Hi. I just got here. Another lady with curly brown hair said. Whose your roommate?
I forget her name. She said.
I think we should all go relax in the hot tub. Lauren said.
That would be a wonderful idea, when do the meetings actually start?
Seven.
Okay.
As I sit and listened to the ladies chitchat, I couldn't help but wonder why I couldn't just talk to people like that. I mean, sure Alyssa and I were beginning to be friends, but there was something missing. Something I didn't have. Confidence. I lack confidence, I wonder why.
The opening session started at 7. It was basically an outline of the conference and the ground rules. After that we had an ice breaker. I was not amused. I hate icebreakers.
For the icebreaker, we had to give an interesting fact about ourselves. It was humiliating.
I am Amy and I- I don't really- I'm sorry. I can't do this. I began to walk out of the room when Alyssa stopped me.
Amy! What happened?
I don't have anything to say, I am just average, no, worse than average! I said, beginning to put my hands over my face and weep bitterly. I was becoming weakened.
Girl, you need to have confidence. She said.
Flashback.
Im a cheerleader! Im a gymnast! Look at me! I said
You are soooo full of yourself. You need to loose that confidence. You think you're all that. My grandma said.
No, Im just being myself.
Nobody likes you. You are fat. You need to loose weight.
Look, I was verbally abused- I broke down and wept. I was weakened. I no longer kept my cold demeanor.
You are better than that though. Alyssa said. You have inner confidence, you need to find that
No, I don't. I said
Don't talk like that, you do have confidence inside yourself. Let's go back in there.
We walked back in there and I could feel everybody staring at me. Not again this weekend, Amy. I thought.
Afterward, we gathered around and talked, and ate the refreshments that were provided by the hotel. This isn't a total waste of time. I thought.