Thank you for your opinions again! And here is the next instalment.
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Cuddy heard a knock on her bedroom door. It sounded like House, but she knew for a fact that he was in his own flat, in addition to which he had also promised never to come into her bedroom – at least not without a specific invitation. It had to be Blythe who sometimes did check up on her even though she knew that she and House had the walkie-talkies. Tonight, given all that had happened, it was likely to be her. Cuddy wiped her cheeks the best she could. She didn't really want to let Blythe know that House had made her cry, but she didn't want to worry her either so she opened the door to find House standing outside. She was stunned.
"Not crying my ass," House observed running his eyes over her face and taking in the signs of weeping.
"What do you want," Cuddy swallowed to clear her throat. "And what are you doing here? I thought the upstairs was supposed to be my territory."
"In principle, yes," House agreed. "But you don't really expect me to stay out of the nursery."
"This isn't the nursery," Cuddy pointed out.
"Actually it is, for the next couple of months still," House gave her a small smile and nodded to her midsection which was currently housing the Trips.
"You're just splitting hairs again," Cuddy groused. "Besides, even if you wanted to check up on the kids you can't come up here unannounced. For all you know I might have been running naked in the corridor!"
"In that case I definitely need to come up here more often," House leered. "Seriously though, I was sure you weren't doing anything of the sort, not with Grey around."
"Fine," Cuddy conceded. "Besides, I probably wouldn't be doing it anyway Grey or no Grey."
"Yeah, there is time and place for everything," House nodded wisely.
"I'm still in the dark about why you're here, though," Cuddy reminded him.
"I need to talk with you," House said. "Come into Aiko's room, please."
"You don't want to come into mine?" Cuddy wondered.
"I promised not to," House pointed out. "It's your territory. I may fuzz the rules a little when it comes to the upstairs in general, but your room is definitely off limits for me."
"Since when have you respected my privacy?" Cuddy wondered. "I mean I've lost count of the times you've broken into my office, my house, heck even my trash!" She did, however, follow House into Aiko's room.
House walked to the crib and looked at Aiko, then he took the baby monitor and said "Just me" into it and turned it off.
"That was practised," Cuddy observed. "This cannot be the first time you're up here."
"Well, I may have visited Aiko once or twice before," House admitted sheepishly.
"Once or twice my ass!" Cuddy laughed. "So if you have been sneaking up the stairs – and you would actually need to use the stairs since I would hear the elevator! - in the quiet, why am I supposed to believe that you respect my room? Who knows how many times you have sneaked in there."
"I haven't," House replied seriously. "This situation is difficult enough as it is. I had no problem invading your house, and I still have no problem in invading your office, but since I actually own this house, I need to make sure that you can be comfortable in it, and respecting your personal space is important. So I'm not coming into your room – barring a medical emergency or specific invitation."
"Thank you," Cuddy accepted. "And you can use the lift when you come up; your secret is out anyway now, so you might as well be comfortable."
"What secret?" House frowned.
"That Aiko has you totally wrapped around her little finger," Cuddy explained. "Though, there has never been much of a secret in that, I have to say."
"Well be that as may, we didn't come in here to talk about me and Aiko but about me and you," House pointed out. "Take a seat, the rocking chair is pretty comfortable. And then tell me why are you crying?"
"Because I'm pregnant," Cuddy stated sitting down as instructed.
"Let's not do that song and dance again," House refused to play. "You don't cry for no reason. True, some of the reasons that make you cry now would not make you cry if you weren't pregnant, but there is still a reason. So stop evading the issue and tell me why did I make you cry this time? And don't try to say it wasn't me, because it pretty much has to be."
"Even so, why would I unburden my heart to you?" Cuddy asked.
"Because if I don't know what it is, I cannot fix it," House sighed in exasperation.
"There is no guarantee that you can fix it even if you do know," Cuddy still prevaricated.
"Fine, obviously it's personal and sensitive and emotional and all those girly things I don't get," House was getting frustrated. "But I still need to know. I need to at least try to understand. If it helps I give you my word that anything you say in this room will not be used against you."
"But it's so silly," Cuddy muttered. House didn't say anything but waited. "I thought you were going to wait for my super tanker." Cuddy finally decided to give half an answer.
Surprisingly enough, for a man who claimed not to understand girly things, House got the real meaning of the sentence – half-truth though it was: "I hurt your feminine pride!" House exclaimed. "I'm sorry. I was ... I didn't think. It's just that somehow I cannot associate you with casual sex. I don't mean that I couldn't have just sex with you, just that I was looking for something I could easily forget – not that that is what I got in the end, but that was the original purpose. And you really don't fall into that category."
"Yeah, I can sort of understand that with my mind, but why are you looking for something easy to forget," Cuddy wanted to know. "Why not see if we can be, well, I suppose the phrase is friends with benefits? I do know that it might not work, but why not even look into the option? It could make a lot of things easier."
"First of all, I wasn't really thinking that deeply last night," House pointed out. "Secondly, Akira has a theory that I was trying to escape my responsibilities even if only temporarily, and having something going on with you, would not serve that purpose since you are very closely connected – right now quite literally – with those responsibilities. I'm sorry for having hurt your pride, but last night was all me, not about you or how attractive you are. I think I've made it pretty clear over the years that I dig your ass like crazy." House gave her a slanted smile.
"Yeah," Cuddy conceded quietly, biting her lip. She refused to meet his eyes.
House stared at her for a moment: "There is more, isn't there? Come on, you cannot leave me guessing, I'm bound to come up with something totally outrageous on my own."
"You said that nothing I say here will be used against me?" Cuddy wanted confirmation.
"I promise," House frowned at how serious Cuddy was. "You know that I may want to outrage you or shock you but I have never wanted to hurt you."
"Yeah, I know," Cuddy sighed. "And you really haven't – well apart from once, but you sure have made amends for that! The thing is, sometimes people hurt themselves."
"I know," House agreed. "It happens with people. So how have you hurt yourself then?"
"I've fallen in love with you," Cuddy announced bravely, though House could see the tears in her eyes. House blinked.
"Oh," he needed a moment to collect his thoughts, because this really was the last thing he had expected to hear. "Are you sure? I don't mean to insult you, but is it possible that your pregnancy has caused you to give more meaning to our friendship? Because we do have a friendship."
"It's possible," Cuddy shrugged. "I have never been pregnant and in love before. But it sure feels exactly the same as it does without the pregnancy."
"I see," now it was House's turn to stare at the floor. "Why?" The question was honestly made. "Why would you fall in love with me? I'm..."
"No, don't you dare," Cuddy put up her hand to stop him from talking. "Don't give me your lecture about you being twice my age, which you aren't no matter how much I might wish that was the case, nor of not being good looking since you have no idea whatsoever of what women find good looking and most definitely don't say anything about not being nice. Niceness is greatly overrated. James is nice; his niceness has got him divorced thrice! Don't do all this why thing when the real question is: WHY NOT!"
"What do you mean, why not?" House was puzzled. "Why not love me? Is that what you mean? But it makes no sense!"
"If it made sense, it wouldn't be love," Cuddy explained patiently. "I know you hate emotions because you cannot rationalise them, at least most of the time you cannot. But the thing is, you don't deserve or earn love, you just get it. Or give it. Just look at Aiko! We all love her, but can you come up with any sensible reason for it? She is not related to us so the biological imperative is not there. When we first fell in love with her, she had no personality, she was just a baby: someone with very basic needs and very basic ways of expressing those needs. But we fell in love with her. Even you did, and you don't usually go for babies."
"Babies don't bother me," House shrugged not knowing how to respond to Cuddy's tirade.
"Not being bothered is not the same as loving a baby, and don't even try to tell me you don't know the difference," Cuddy lectured him. "This is the same, well not quite the same, but the principle is there. I love you, you have done nothing to make me love you; God knows you haven't. I'm sure I don't know anyone who works harder on not being loved than you do. But you cannot control it; do what you want there are people who love you nevertheless."
"Why?" House was truly mystified.
"Just because," Cuddy smiled.
"That is no answer!" House said irritably.
"It's the only one I have," Cuddy shrugged. "I'm sorry, but that's the way it usually goes."
"You shouldn't love me," House told her. "I'll just let you down."
"No you won't," Cuddy stated.
"I did last night!" House pointed out.
"No you didn't. You are not responsible for my feelings or expectations, not when you have done nothing to raise them. Look, House, I didn't like you going into the bar, and I don't like what happened," Cuddy explained. "But I cannot expect you to do something, or be something just because I love you. You have made no promises to me, apart from being there for the kids, and that is already a huge commitment from you. I'm not even sure you can give me more. And I don't want to force you. My feelings are my business. Yes, I would like it very much if you could love me back, but things don't always work that way. And even when they start that way, they don't always stay that way. Just look at you and Stacy!"
"Let's not," House suggested. "We may not be the best possible example to bring up right now."
"Why not?" Cuddy frowned. "You loved her and she loved you. If not for the infarction..."
"We still wouldn't be together now," House stated. "It might have looked idyllic and everything, having the concerned girlfriend stay at my side through it all, making the sacrifice of saving my life at the cost of loosing me, but that is not the full picture. Yes, we were together for five years, but I wasn't faithful all that time. Neither was she."
"Oh," it was Cuddy's turn to blink. "She never said."
"She wouldn't," House shrugged. "It was nobody's business but ours. But though it might have lasted longer without the infarction, it would not have lasted forever. But then nothing much does."
"Are you trying to tell me that I won't love you forever?" Cuddy quizzed him.
"You'd be a fool to," House growled refusing to look at her.
"Well, I suppose that we'll just need to wait and see what kind of a fool I am," Cuddy offered. "I didn't tell this to you to burden you, but for the sake of the kids, you need to know. I'm not trying to make you love me or give me more commitment than you have. I'll live if you never love me. This feeling is not the be all and end all of my existence. I'll have the kids, there's my job; I'll survive. Just don't take your friendship away from me because of this. Please."
"I wouldn't," House finally looked up. "But I can't see how I could avoid hurting you, as things stand."
"Let me worry about that," Cuddy told him. "If you go too far, I'll let you know. I suppose it will be easier now, since the cat is out of the bag and I don't need to try and hide my feelings from you anymore."
"I don't know what to say," House was at a loss.
"You don't need to say anything," Cuddy said. She stood up and got ready to go back to her own room. "Just think about what I have said. Once the Trips have arrived we need to sit down and really talk over the rules of this house."
"I agree with that," House sighed. He wasn't sure he would have recovered from this shock by the time the kids were due. Cuddy loved him? Why?
At the door Cuddy stopped and turned: "And House, if you do want to cross the threshold of my bedroom one of these nights, don't be afraid; I won't trap you inside. You'll be free to go."
"Knowing you, though, if I do leave, I better be sure that is what I want to do, since you won't let me in again should I discover that I made a mistake," House mused.
"True," Cuddy nodded. "But we can talk about that later. Now I think I need my sleep since the Trips seem to have settled for the night, too." She walked out leaving House to his pondering.
House didn't stay long. Aiko was sleeping peacefully and though he liked watching her sleep, he rather needed his own sleep, too. He stood up, turned the baby monitor on again and left the room. In the corridor he ran into Kasumii who was on her way to the nursery.
"Oh, you were still there," Kasumii exclaimed quietly. "I thought you must have forgotten to turn the monitor back on so I was on my way to check."
"No, I turned it on just now," House told her. "Aiko is sleeping peacefully." He made to continue his way to downstairs but Kasumii didn't move out of his way. "What is it Infant?"
"Dare ni mo machigai wa aru dakara empitsu ni mo keshigomu ga tsuite iru," Kasumii said to House in Japanese.
"I know," House nodded. "But what happens when you keep on making mistakes, one after another?"
"Then you keep on erasing," Kasumii stated. "That is how life works: you learn from your mistakes, but you also try to learn from the mistakes of others, since you'll never live long enough to make them all yourself."
"True, but I seem to be doing my best to try!" House sighed.
"Are you and Dr Cuddy ok about last night?" Kasumii asked cautiously.
"Yeah, about last night I think we are ok," House stated. "I'm just not as sure about tonight." With that he left and Kasumii stared after him with a frown. What was that all about?
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The translation for the Japanese proverb is: Everyone makes mistakes. That's why there is an eraser on every pencil. – Or at least that was the translation they gave on the site where I found it from!